Socializing is vital to our health and well-being. However, with the convergence of remote work, empty nest, and the isolation that may come with midlife (“gray”) divorce, is loneliness inevitable? And given the natural attrition that can occur in longtime friendships, is it any wonder that loneliness is reaching epidemic proportions — especially in those 50 or older?
Many of us were once part of a reliable social network in our jobs. But if we were laid off, and if we’re now in middle age, we may struggle to find secure positions again. Though we can pick up contract work and part-time projects, these don’t encourage forming long-term attachments. Likewise, any number of work-from-home positions generally offer little to no “real” human contact.
If we have children, they may be in high school, college, or already out of the nest. Our families (if we have them) are often scattered, going wherever the work is. If we are divorced or widowed, we may no longer “fit” into the couple groups that were once our community. And, more important than many will admit — changing financial circumstances when we go from married to single, or after job loss, also creates distance among one-time friends.
The net: We seem to be increasingly cut off from groups that previously provided community, connection, and a sense of belonging, as well as emotional and logistical support. And let’s not diminish or dismiss the importance of fun! Don’t most of us have more fun when we are with at least one other person?
Addressing these issues of friendship, isolation, and loneliness, this recent New York Times article struck home.
“How to Maintain Friends” makes a simple point that those of us willing to admit to growing circumstantial loneliness already understand all too well:
… research shows that bonds of friendship are critical to maintaining both physical and emotional health. Not only do strong social ties boost the immune system and increase longevity, but they also decrease the risk of contracting certain chronic illnesses and increase the ability to deal with chronic pain…
Duly noted. Many of us have lived it. But let’s not dismiss the impacts of life stage, employment status, marital status — and more — that play a significant role in our “friendship status.”
So what do we do?
Sure, technology assists in staying in touch. But is that enough?
For the middle-aged among us, these suggestions on fighting loneliness are worth noting — taking classes, joining clubs — but (yes, there’s a but)… It is assumed that money is not an issue, that you don’t have to earn a living, and that you have family in your life to help.
I cannot quantify the number of people for whom this is no longer the case. However, I am among them, and I certainly know that many readers could say the same.
Does that mean we throw our hands up into the air and give up? Absolutely not. So how do we bridge the loneliness gap that threatens our emotional and physical well-being?
If you are physically (and financially) able to do so, volunteer. Try a community center, a library, a school, a hospital, an elder care facility. Talk to everyone when you go out! Even if only one out of 50 efforts yields a connection, that’s terrific. Especially considering statistics like these, as cited in the Times article.
An estimated 42.6 million Americans over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness, which significantly raises their risk for premature death, according to a study by AARP.
Scary stats? I agree. But hang on… the article also makes suggestions for the care and feeding of existing friendships that may otherwise be neglected due to work schedules, family obligations, distance, or personal circumstances.
For example, small gestures go far — like a quick hello via email or text. Or, remember a birthday, the anniversary of a spouse or parent’s passing, and ask about the new job or new relationship or new pet.
Critical — and not mentioned in the Times article — how we communicate. Few of us are without struggles. How, when, and if we share them requires discretion. And I try to keep this in mind: People remember how we make them feel.
Sometimes I forget this essential guideline, and then I kick myself and vow to do better.
Given the isolation I have experienced in my own life after moving a year ago, the online world helped, some; phone calls with my sons helped, some; one old friend who traveled hundreds of miles to unpack boxes (that I couldn’t manage) helped, some. And a friend I stay in touch with via Skype also helped, tremendously. And then there’s this — knowing in my gut that my circumstances would not stay the same forever. I told myself they would get better.
Besides, I am not one to give up when I set my mind to something. So, these days, among other things, I am looking into meetups. And, I keep chatting with people in the supermarket.
As for the online world, it can be — and for me, is — a help. It is not, however, a substitute for the real world. That is something I am, at times, painfully aware of.
Now, while connecting online may not be as good as girls nights out back in the day, it enables me — and you — to create and maintain long-distance relationships with friends and family, remembering the important friendship-maintenance tips above.
Another takeaway?
Refreshing our options by plugging into new communities, however they are structured — creating a pipeline of sorts — is equally essential. All communities shift and evolve.
So how do you fight isolation?
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It’s very hard, especially as one gets older and has more constraints–namely family and work.
I read someplace that one of the keys to making friends is being sure to see them regularly. So co-workers, other parents waiting to pick up kids, fellow exercise enthusiasts at a gym class….otherwise things happen and you lose track. One drawback is that life changes that mess with the schedule can make those friendships dissolve without great effort on everyone’s part.
OTOH, even though I don’t talk to them regularly, time seems to melt when I do get in touch with my decades-long friends.
I hope your supermarket friendship flourishes. Even occasional exchanges of humanity can be nourishing.
Oh yes! I can relate to every word. While retirement three years ago promised me the opportunity to re-ignite and nurture friendships I hadn’t had enough time for, moving a three-hour drive-and-ferry trip from my community the following year made those friendships tougher to enjoy. I’ve been very pleasantly surprised to find that my friends are willing to travel to me and that the visits I make every few months — seeing five or six friends in three days — exhausting but fun, gratifying — are apparently enough to keep the friendships alive. Still, I would like to have a network beyond family here in the city, and I’m working on that. It’s not so easy as when I was doing PTA meetings and standing with other parents on the soccer field. Or when I went back to grad-school as a “mature student” or got to know my colleagues in the university corridors. Some days, I can get a bit low (okay, a lot low) at feeling invisible, seeing everyone else, seemingly, with their buddies (I’m very lucky to have a beloved life partner, but still, sometimes I need someone reliable to talk to besides him –sometimes about him;-) And yes, I think those daily interchanges in the supermarket or when buying a new pair of shoes or standing in a lineup at the theatre washroom, at the very least reassure me that I have some social skills, and they keep those in practice.
Thanks for this post — good to know that we’re not alone in occasionally feeling alone. . .
I believe loneliness amongst those of us who have moved away from our family and friends is more common than one would expect. I found a Newcomer’s group helpful in joining groups and making friends with many like minded ladies. Unfortunately, none have morphed into a deep friendship. Some days, I wonder if it’s me as I’ve aged. I try not to dwell on it or I can get quite down. I do have my friends from back east that I am in contact online regularly. I love seeing them once a year. It’s enough to keep the friendship alive but I do miss the almost daily contact.
Thank you for the thoughtful posts. I must say I get some consolation in knowing I’m not alone.
I agree with you. I think there are many more of us in this boat than we know. And somehow we feel shame for our feelings, which adds to the burden. In any event, I am happy to have you stop by and comment.
I couldn’t agree with both of your statements more. I’m in a similar boat. Actively part of a group, but haven’t really made what I feel is a deep friendship with anyone and wonder if it’s me, too. Thank you for sharing. How do I fight isolation? By saying YES when I am invited to a group event. Volunteer when I can, and taking myself to concerts. I have had good luck finding ONE seat available close to the stage! 😉
I am an introvert and find groups of people overwhelming. I still have two friends from “the neighborhood” I see occasionally. Friends I made when my children were young. We have rallied around each other for over 25 years. I moved away from the neighborhood 10 years ago and don’t get to see them nearly often enough. My husband travels for work so I spend most of my free time alone with two Westies. I work full
time in an industry that has not been conducive to making long term friends. I am 64 years old and I still need to have friends around me to have some easy fun. I am not sure where or how to find new friends when I work full time and have a long commute. This all hits home with me.