How to be successful at blogging? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been asked. Naturally, you can find information on the basics of blogging all over the net — with cursory or in-depth coverage of everything from finding your niche to optimizing content to self-promotion.
The response I give?
Sure, you need to know and engage your audience. You need quality content and consistency. Easy navigation, well chosen images, and proper technical elements always assist. But ultimately, to succeed at blogging (or anything else), you must understand your definition of success.
Lately, I find I’m reflecting on success — and failure — in a variety of contexts, and more often than I might like. I know that I’m hard on myself in assessing my accomplishments. And I certainly recognize that we live in a culture where it’s common to point fingers, to compare, and to label each other as a success or failure.
Is Your Blog a “Success?”
Having been asked to write about the blogging experience as part of the final “By Invitation Only” post, I’m recalling a recent conversation with an old friend. Our talk was a serious one — about success and failure, hard choices ahead, and acknowledgment of a year in which I’ve had to say goodbye to people I loved, to parts of myself I once believed in, and to long-held dreams.
I wasn’t looking for someone to artificially bolster my mood; rather, I was seeking insight.
The conversation went something like this.
“Why am I a failure?” I asked.
“You’re not a failure. Don’t exaggerate. You’re just feeling down on yourself.”
“Fine,” I said. “I know I’m capable of setting goals and meeting them, but that’s not the same as feeling successful, much less being successful.”
“What about your kids?”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ve done a good job with my kids. There are things I could’ve done better but, at the very least, I know I’m not a failure as a mother.”
We were both quiet for a minute.
“It isn’t enough,” I said.
“What about your blog? What about your other writing?”
I shook my head.
“No. Especially not that.”
How Do We Define Success?
When my friend and I were discussing how I could be more successful, she had offered this observation: “You’ve never been able to sacrifice your integrity, have you.”
It was a statement, not a question. And it’s a remark that has me thinking.
I view integrity as non-negotiable. It’s a must for me — in blogging, in writing, in relationships. It was a must throughout my corporate career for two decades, and likewise with clients these past 10 years. It may be one of the reasons that I haven’t been as successful as I could have been, but if I sacrificed my principles, I would indeed be a failure — in my own eyes.
One other remark bears repeating: “Feeling like a failure and being a failure are two different things. Besides, isn’t it all about how you measure success?”
I’m also remembering an article in INC Magazine that addresses this topic. Essential ingredients for success include:
- Being yourself
- Sharing the limelight
- Showing interest in other people
Am I following that recipe in my blogging? Am I following it “in life?”
Be yourself.
That, to me, is all about integrity.
But what if you find “yourself” becoming humorless? What if you find you’re increasingly uninteresting? Then must you — no matter what — put on a pretty mask? Or are these indications that major change is a must?
Making Excuses Helps Us Try Again
My friend was quick to point out the shit storm I’ve been dealing with for years — much of it the fallout of a messy divorce, an even messier aftermath, a few family events I’ve never spoken of, career challenges in a lousy economy, and medical issues — with no money to adequately address them.
“You’ve had a lot to deal with,” she said.
“I know,” I replied. “But I have it easy compared to some, and everyone has crap to deal with. There has to be more to why I’m not where I want to be. I need to stop making excuses.”
One of the ways we come to understand what we have is reading about others. Reading their words. Understanding their challenges.
Is this about blogging? Successful blogging? The experience of blogging?
Yes and no. Be patient with me here… I’m thinking “aloud” through my fingertips…
Do Accomplishments = Success?
I can see my accomplishments — laying out the words, asking the questions, pondering the comments — all of which is informative and helpful. I can see that I’m a “good” person, and I’m clear on my flaws. When I think of my reasons for falling short — better still, let’s call them excuses — unhappy with where I am and what I haven’t achieved, I wonder if making excuses isn’t helpful in a way.
Excuses may allow us to dust ourselves off and try again.
We know that circumstances can change. We know that attitudes can change. We can hone our skills and working methods in order to achieve change. The nature of our support systems, which are vitally important to succeeding in any realm, can improve or deteriorate, affecting our probability of “success.”
As long as we recognize that something needs to change, the well worn adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again…” seems like solid advice. And perhaps those excuses dressed as reasons enable us not only to try to address what isn’t working, but to affirm what is and own it.
Accepting the Risks of Failure
When we set goals for ourselves, we run the risk of falling short, and falling short hurts. If it happens too often — if we feel we fail too often — naturally, confidence is eroded.
Of course, without risk, we may never know success.
This is hardly the first time I’ve considered my wins and losses. Nor is it the first time that I’ve confronted the possibility — the likelihood? — that some of my standards are too high, and more importantly, I may be unconsciously placing obstacles in my own path. Obstacles to do with those expectations.
Hello? Women? Isn’t this a common tendency? Doesn’t it also tie to the much discussed female confidence gap? We know that women struggle with success and unwittingly self-sabotage. We do this in our professional lives. We do this in relationships. God knows, we do it on diets! The reasons are psychological and social; they can be hard to pinpoint and harder still to combat.
As for yours truly, I allow myself to recognize a degree of success in some areas of my life — parenting is one — and in others, not so much.
And yet I would like to scratch the term failure from my vocabulary. However accurate at times, it’s unhelpful. It diminishes the importance of effort. It squeezes the life out of motivation. It dampens hopefulness. And hope is what gets us through our hardest days — when life isn’t what we imagined, when we’re facing troubles that loom large, when it’s almost impossible to ignore a culture in which pretending to be “fine” has become the norm.
A minor example?
My own visual social sharing is restricted to those very limited areas in my home that aren’t a total mess!
“To Thine Own Self Be True”
This is the time of year for merrymaking and smiles, for family gatherings and counting blessings. We’re not supposed to speak of what is painful. We’re not supposed to reveal our vulnerable side. If we’re feeling lonely, if we’re depressed, if we’re mired in money problems, if our children or parents are wearing us out — if life is less than picture perfect, we feign that it isn’t so.
Or, we stay silent.
‘Tis the season for “chin up, smile for the camera, tie it up with a pretty bow.”
I’ve done a bit of this myself.
I recall my European father-in-law’s bewilderment over the American tendency to say everything is “great” when clearly, it’s anything but. He seemed okay with a measure of positive attitude, but not with the perpetual pretense that our lives are something they are not.
That conversation (in numerous forms) took place a decade before social media gave millions of us a way to “perpetually pretend” on public platforms, and to measure our success in likes and fans and followers. His definition of success was about family, health, intellectual pursuits, and financial security.
Looking back, I like that definition. I would expand it to include friendships, creativity, and giving back — but fundamentally, I was in sync with my father-in-law’s values.
I remember other conversations as well, with acquaintances suggesting a variety of directions for Daily Plate of Crazy and of course, as accompaniment, a breadth of related social media activities.
Some suggestions I tried. Some, I did not. Those I didn’t attempt are not me, they don’t represent my life, and simply put, they feel false. I may downplay the negative in my little universe, particularly in a public venue. However, selective focus and discretion differ from ignoring who I am, what I value, and the faith I place in the intelligence, thoughtfulness, and interests of those who have so graciously been reading what I write. Blogging, as in other writing I do, must, for me, be honest. That “quality content” that we speak of must, for me, come from an authentic place.
Defining Your Success at Blogging
How to be successful at blogging?
Luck, timing, relationships. These elements are critically important — at least as important as that great content, promotional strategy, and finger on the pulse of SEO.
Sure, you can know what you want, know what you’re good at, and settle into your targeted (and possibly profitable) niche. You can set your goals to include related content on Instagram and Youtube, and you can forge alliances that reinforce your “brand.” You can tweak what you’re doing along the way, acquire new skills and use them well, and maintain the ability to stay open to opportunity. Listening, learning and change are critical to success in any undertaking.
I’m looking at my past 12-month period and what I see is a year filled with disappointments. There have been significant losses (that I have chosen not to write about), times of terrible fear (that I have kept to myself), and painful isolation, which is a growing challenge for those of us starting over in our fifties and older, that I am determined to continue to write about. On a world stage in which terror and violence persist, personal losses — and perhaps, goals — shrink in significance.
I am also clear that this past year offers unanticipated wins — a deepening of the relationship with my younger son, and most recently, an eventual beginning of what I hope will be the resolution to a long-term physical challenge.
In blogging specifically and writing in general, I have never achieved the goals I’ve set. I suspect I’m due some introspection in this regard. But what I come to realize is this: In blogging, the frosting on the cake for me is people. I have encountered men and women of all ages, across the world, whose lives and experiences are dramatically different from my own.
And in our connection, our growing community, our mutual respect, our shared stories, our unexpected laughter; in the affection and friendship and insights gained along the way — this frosting has become the cake, which renders “failure” virtually impossible.
How to succeed at blogging?
Connect, connect, connect.
Happy Holidays — With or Without Blogging
Looking ahead?
I sense I may choose a new direction, though I’m uncertain precisely what. That direction may or may not include the way I approach blogging, and other more sweeping changes in my life. I began this adventure years ago with coffee, curiosity, and anonymity — and with no particular plan. I have no specific intent to bring this chapter to a close, but it may indeed need to take a back seat to other ventures.
In the meantime, I wish all those who read a very joyful holiday season. If you’re healthy and have family, I ask that you remember to count your blessings. If you find yourself alone, I ask that you know you aren’t as alone as you may feel, and that you reach for the perspective to find what is good in your life. If you’re struggling, I would invite you to reach out to me if you wish. Just as so many of you have been a friend to me through hard times, though we’ve never met face-to-face, I hope I can always be here for you.
And a very special holiday thank you to Marsha Harris and the international group of bloggers at “By Invitation Only.” It has been a genuine privilege getting to know you all, and a delight participating in your monthly blogging party.
Please visit Marsha at Splenderosa and all the BIO bloggers for this, the last in a series of topics “By Invitation Only” — on the blogging experience. It is with enormous respect and appreciation that I say thank you to Marsha and the other wonderful women who so graciously invited me to join this group. It’s been great fun and a delicious experience.
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YOU have written SO much here it’s hard for me to COMMENT!
Your KEY word………. CONNECT.
That is the BEAUTY of the BLOGGING world for me TOO!
I LOVE the CONNECTIONS That I have made with YOU and others……………. and I will ALWAYS be here for you and your SONS!
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME!
XOXO
Contessa, as always, you are pure pleasure! xo
I am kind of new to your blog, but I enjoy it immensely! I love all of your content. Your writing always makes me think and that is remarkable considering many of the blogs out there are a lot of “fluff”. I like fluff too, but it is much like biting into whipped cream instead of a much more satisfying steak. (If you are a meat eater) Anyway, I enjoy your ponderings and getting to the heart of things. It is like talking to a good friend and hashing things out.
Thank you so much, Arell. What you just said means the world to me, especially since you’ve never commented before. And as a meat eater, I love being compared to a satisfying steak! 🙂 Wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday.
Well, I think we all can see ourselves, in some respects, relating to the vulnerabilities you discuss here. For me, labels have always been a “slippery slope”. What do they really mean anyway? If I’m more thoughtful about my response to certain events, I’m a “conservative”, and incapable of showing compassion and generosity, qualities only bestowed by “liberals” (who are what, exactly)? If I have a view that stands in the face of “political correctness”, I must be a “racist”? If I have a wonderful car and a healthy 401K, I’m a “success”; but, if I need to be cautious with my spending, I must be a “failure” because, obviously, I’ve made bad choices? The only word I continually employ as I assess my life is “reason”. Are my assessments reasonable; are my expectations reasonable; are my goals reasonable…and if so, how do I achieve the reasonable so that I can enjoy a quality of life that feeds my soul.
Though it may be more difficult to redesign our lives after a certain age, do the young have it any better? Are they really more comfortable? Happy in a great job one day, laid off and looking for work the next. Back in the day, your job/career, which was probably held for most of a life, seemed to be the norm. Fast forward thirty years and the mantra seems to be “redesign”, redesign, redesign. So, for me, these labels that are still used to categorize us, are meaningless. I believe we need more faith in ourselves and our ability (strength) to adapt to this constantly changing world. Facebook is flooded with photos of long ago images, especially at holiday time, and quotes reminiscing about old values and beliefs. Real friends, Facebook friends, and complete strangers want yesteryear back again…all this tells me is that we are not alone.
Wishing you, Daily Plate of Crazy, tomorrows of realized expectations and the continued sharing of your beautiful words and thoughtful wisdom. With warmest regards and heartfelt respect…
Thank you, Angela. And you, in turn, always make me think… Wishing you a wonderful holiday season!
What a wonderful final BIO post ….. as always. You always go that extra mile and you always leave me thinking (and also wishing that I’d made more effort with my post !!! haha)
I am rather sad that our BIO series has come to an end …. I loved reading everyone’s take on our monthly subject and shall really miss them. But then, things change and we must move forward.
It’s been lovely to have shared the BIO experience with you and I look forward to continued blogging friendship in 2016. XXXX
It is a bit sad this has come to an end, but I am thrilled to have met you, Jacqueline, and the others in the group. Chapeaux to Marsha who has managed this great “party” all these years!
Can I tell you how much I love that you went right to the very heart of the issue, as you always do, when it would have been so much easier to just make a simple gloss? You are, my friend, incapable of bullshit and I admire you greatly for that. True, you are harder on yourself than ANY writer I know. And the whirlwinds of this past year have challenged us both, creatively. And yet, we are still here and I believe in what we do. “Success” is a word I have come to take a good hard long glance at…
Sending much Love to you brilliant one,
H
Hugs to you and Remi, Heather. Tu es un vrai trésor. xo
Those days when the words don’t flow, when the ideas fail to gel and when I question myself… those are the days when I step back and fight my own inadequacies and trust that tomorrow will be a new day and somehow and in some way my ability and desire to communicate will return.
Knowing the connections are out there, waiting and supportive, really helps me to forge on.
Thank you for your continued wisdom and thoughtful words… however you choose to share them, I will be here to listen… Have a wonderful holiday season… xxv
Merci mille fois, Vicki. And you, too! xo
D.A., I truly hope your holidays bring peace, joy and a sense of rest. I enjoy the thoughts your blog directs in my head and the respectful commentary made here. I wish you the best in 2016 and will keep track of how your blog and your story continue to unfold. I believe I have a sense of your loss and hardship this year, and hope only that you will find this to be a year which helps in more clearly identifying how you want your life to be. I applaud the deepening, adult relationship with your son – and admire that aspect of yourself greatly.
I recently wrote about the butting of melancholy and merry that often happens this time of year. I am learning that these opposing feelings do not cancel out one another and to accept both, even in this season. It’s been very freeing for me.
Blessings to you this season – I would love to meet you face to face in 2016, I am in your area several times!
Do let me know when you’re headed this way, Missy. I would love to meet you face-to-face, too! Wishing you and your family (and your fabulous mom!) a wonderful holiday and a very happy and healthy 2016.
Ahh, success is subjective, isn’t it? Your writing has inspired and instructed and clarified many times for me. Success? To me? Yes. This has been a very difficult year for me and I know you’ve had your struggles too. Through it all – you’ve kept on writing. I suppose it’s what writers do. It’s often how we make sense of the world. It’s also, so importantly, how we connect, which is, of course, the very aspect of blogging you nailed as the heart of it all. I couldn’t agree more. I’m so happy for the connections I’ve made with you over the last few years. Blessings to you!
Thank you so much, Barbara. Sending love at the holidays. xo
Your writing always blows me away. I frequently find myself thinking, yes, yes, yes! I think that way too. I’m just not capable of expressing it as beautifully as you do. My life has its share of shit shows constantly running, but I choose not to share it on my blog. If I thought my family wouldn’t kill me, I probably would.
Good luck with whatever you’re planning in the future.
Wishing you a wonderful holiday!
Xx Jennifer
You’ve touched on so many things here, but the one that stands out for me is “integrity.” It’s something I’ve really become conscious of in the last couple of years with regard to blogging. (I think you have it in spades, BTW.) I always think back to an interview with Patti Smith and her recalling that some of the best advice she was ever given was to protect her “good name,” (integrity). I think it’s one of the most important guideposts we can use in blogging and in life. Happy Holidays to you, and wishing you a good 2016!
I love to read your thoughtful and beautifully written words…. I live vicariously through your ability to communicate through the written word. It is a gift you have that only lives within my heart… You have been blessed…
I am new to your blog from another blog I found you. I wanted to comment on this blog today after reading. Sounds like you have been thru a lot and still going thru tough times. I just wanted to say leave everything in God’s hands…..Pray, Pray, Pray! I too have been thru a lot in my life and I am 58 yrs. young. I am suppose to be dead according to the doctor but I know why I am living. GOD. You can not please anyone no matter what you do or say other than GOD…….Live everyday for GOD and life will be pleasing. I thank GOD and Jesus I found this life here on earth with what we are surrounded around. Thanks for writing this today and letting me write. Love you and Prayers with You.
I’m going to try NOT to pontificate, oh but I could. As I said on my post today, life is a series of cycles. Some are not so good. Some are not caused by anything we said or did. This is an old world we live in, but it is mostly a good world. Everything in the universe is good, even the process of stars crashing & burning because the destruction leads to something better. Take a break. Step back, turn off your computer, unplug. Go for a long long long walk, to nowhere. Open your eyes to the heavens and ask for goodness. Expect goodness, expect rewards just for asking. Open your arms to new experiences and leave some of the old ones behind. Please believe me, Wolfie. Put the bad stuff in a box and leave it there, securely taped up, unable to be opened again. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, don’t wear clothes you hate or eat food you don’t love. Watch NFL football at the local bar and meet new people. Please believe me, as I have been through hell. I am happy now for the 1st time in 9 1/2 years. Shed your skin & renew yourself before you do anything else. Be really quiet for awhile. Just wait. In a few days the sun will shine brightly for you. I love you !!
I look forward to whatever and wherever your new direction takes you. I love reading your blog. It feels so sincere and unfiltered. What I appreciate about the old days of blogging compared to now, is that we have lost the blogger somewhere in their ‘brand.’ When I read your words, I have such a sense of you as the person who wrote them, and not like someone is concocting what they think works as a brand. I hope 2016 brings you much joy and some smoother waters. xx
Your extraordinary ability to get straight to the point is EXACTLY why I have missed reading your fabulous blog. I love that you pour integrity into every single sentence – and nearly always find myself nodding as I am reading your words, thinking “yes, that’s exactly what I am thinking too” (but can’t express it as poignantly as your deliciously all-encompassing words).
Success, failure – they mean different things at different points in our lives I think. I would like to think that we all include “the ability to make things better for others” amongst our list of definitions of success. And through parenting and writing, at the very least, you have done that. Tick! Wishing you a very beautiful holiday season and I look forward to re-discovering your wonderful words. x
Bravo! I want to jump into your aura and give you a big “beautiful’ shake!
I have realised over the last year or so that the only way to measure life /family/ friends/ work etc is to look at how I was feeling right at that time. I, like you DA, have been through so very much over the last couple of years that I often ask my higher being… come on, what else are you going to throw at me now?
I must say, that our blogs are certainly like standing in front of a mirror naked, they give us so much information, some that we don’t really want to see!
And, I have to laugh at your comment about your photographs, if you could see my house at the moment, which has also become my photographic studio, my “cropping tool” has become my best friend!
I think we are so lucky to have all found each other in this blogging world, I don’t comment much on many blogs, I know I should, but I don’t mostly because of finding the right words to say. (Which comes back to judgment doesn’t it?) oh my we learn so much through these marvelous blogs of ours!
I hope this all makes sense to you? Wishing you a fabulous Christmas and a beautiful and blessed New Year ahead! xxx Coty
Simply brilliant post, so well-stated!
Best wishes for a MERRY CHRISTMAS and 2016 – keep blogging!
Warmest greetings from the Périgord, Karin
Wolf,
I love your message in this piece. The point is, through perceived success and failure, you stick to the heart of what matters – the writing. In this process, you hope to deconstruct what is truth for you. I think the definition of success/failure evolve over time, but through it all, if you keep connecting with your core, it will help to keep you grounded.
Happy holidays, to you and yours, Wolf. xo