A caveat before I begin: I have not yet read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, though I am anxious to do so. Last week’s New York Times Sunday Book Review features an excellent piece on the Sandberg stance, from none other than Anne-Marie Slaughter, which seems fair-minded in its assessment, and encourages me to dive in as soon as possible.
In an unrelated bit of browsing on the web, I pursed my lips through an item on Huffington Post reporting on studies to do with delaying marriage. While having nothing explicitly to do with Sandberg’s recommendation for women to establish themselves in their careers while they can, the statistics and conclusions in the article seem to contradict her advice.
At the very least, they provide food for thought.
Delay Marriage… Yes or No?
In “Delaying Marriage Has Serious Consequences,” the University of Virginia’s Marriage Project is cited. We are told:
In a report released Friday, the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project found that the average marrying age is at its highest ever: 26.5 for women and 28.7 for men. However, unmarried twenty-somethings reported higher rates of depression and drinking, and lower life satisfaction than their married peers.
Young adults are increasingly seeing marriage as something to do after they have gotten their “ducks in a row,” according to the study, rather than as a starting point for adulthood…
Well now. Am I the only one to read a “leaning in” toward the Marriage Agenda, albeit one that recognizes more young adults wanting to establish themselves first?
Marriage Statistics: Do We Buy Them?
“Higher rates of depression and drinking, and lower life satisfaction.”
Hmm. That leads me to want to “lean in” to take a close look at the data. I imagine the demographics would prove interesting. I might also suggest that married twenty-somethings (if used for comparison) are still in the early years of marriage, if not the honeymoon phase, and both would skew results.
Besides, a woman marrying at 26 is hardly old, particularly in light of a theoretically life-long commitment. If anything, gaining relationship (and sexual) experience before you wed, not to mention work experience, seem as though they would bode better for a “successful” marriage.
Of course, we would have to agree on how to define “success.”
As the article references income levels (success?), may I reference my own musing – “Does Putting Yourself First Pay Off?” Doesn’t the ability to put yourself first come with a certain maturity?
Optimal Age to Marry; Marriage Debates
Suggesting that marriage delays pose problems sits in direct opposition to increasing debate over taking more time before we tie the knot, rather than rushing to the altar in a romantic haze. Moreover, any such suggestion strikes me as seeking to encourage women to opt out… of exactly the sort of experience and expertise to be acquired through independence, and yes, time pursuing a career.
The article does go on to clarify differences when speaking of education:
“For the college-educated third of our population, [delaying marriage] has been a success. For the rest, including large swaths of Middle America, not so much,” said report co-author Kay Hymowitz in a press release.
And we’re back to that definition of success… Even in the above remarks, with or without a sheepskin in hand, aren’t we pushing the Marriage Agenda?
- Do any of us have a clue at 22 or 24 – or for that matter, 26?
- Did you marry young and get lucky? Did you marry young and later regret it?
- Do you buy these statistics and their summarized conclusions?
Data… Take it With a Grain of Salt
Be sure to check out the accompanying slide show at Huff Post. Some of the reported statistics are interesting – conflicting, mind you – but interesting nonetheless. Among them is this tidbit:
A study released in January found that the health benefits of marriage decrease over time, and that couples who cohabitate but remain unmarried experience greater happiness and self-esteem.
Your thoughts?
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I got married at 22 because I wanted to be married and someone asked me. I thought it would solve all my problems. I now tell people I got married because I was young and stupid. It lasted for six years, and I am a much more confident and assertive person for having experienced it. Not having any children made the decision to leave because of being miserable so much easier: I could focus on myself without forever scarring young minds. (Can you tell that I am the product of divorce?)
Like you, I am looking forward to reading “Lean In”. I think if I had any career ambitions at all and an ounce of self worth, I would have waited to get married. Thank goodness that life’s lessons, while hard, did not make me hard, too. I can see myself getting married again, and now I have the skills and mindset to make it work, and I will actually put a priority on finding the right person.
I love this comment that you made, Tammy: “Thank goodness that life’s lessons, while hard, did not make me hard, too.” Thank you for reading and commenting.
Tammy’s first paragraph x 2 (only I was 21 and 32). I married the second time because I wanted babies and husband one didn’t and I’d found a (gorgeous) man who was willing to have babies too. Since that wasn’t going to happen I’m grateful that I found my career ambition about that time as well so that when divorce two came along I at least had something to show for the years, something that was mine.
Age and Youth
We live in a society where people may legally be adults at 18, but we are reminded that the brain is not mature until 25. During the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal of 1998 the blame was more on President Clinton due to his position, but Monica Lewinsky also got more of a pass because of her youth. It didn’t seem fair to me. Monica had been 22 during the affair in 1995. But she was an intern—a position that identified her as not yet mature.
In 1987 the scandal involving preacher Jim Bakker and Jessica Hahn painted Ms. Hahn as a grown woman in an affair (that’s the polite way of saying it). She had been 21 during the affair which had happened in 1980.
So two women of about the same age had relations with a married man; one was portrayed as a hussy and 11 years later the media reported a similar situation, but this time the woman was a more innocent participant (not completely innocent, but she was portrayed as more innocent than Jessica Hahn had been). Not fair!
60 is the new 40 and 50 the new 30 and 24 is apparently 14. But the problem is that our biological clock’s disagree with our cultural ideas of youth. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I believe a youthful attitude is important, but that doesn’t mean it should be unrealistic. No matter how healthy you are, if you are 85 you are probably closer to death than a 40 year-old of average health. My Gram was young until 87 and then BAM, she broke a wrist her foot, her pelvis…all within a few months and years. At 90 she was using a walker, but her good friend who was 95 did not even need a cane. Gram had exercised and maintained healthy eating habits, why was she not like her older friend?
The fertile peak is 27.5—only 2.5 years after we are now being told the brain reaches maturity (and what is maturity anyway?). Women (well, at least educated women which would be my demographic) are being encouraged to postpone childbearing until after their fertile peak. Statistics show that couples who marry before 25 have a significantly higher rate of divorce. (Sorry, I don’t know the source; I just recall reading that being under 25 at the time of marriage increased the divorce risk.) Given that, I can understand waiting to marry. But what’s going on here? Is our culture leading on the younger generations when they encourage them to wait because there is still time. That’s not true. Time ran out for me and I wasn’t even trying to postpone after 32, midlife crisis did that for me. What about those who deliberately put it off?
To me one of the problems may be our attitude. 200 years ago was a person considered a kid because they were 24? They may have been considered young to someone who was 55 and had seen more life, but both were adults and the 24 year old may have been married at 16 and already had 3 children, one who had died and this could be their 2nd or 3rd marriage considering the death rate.
We live in a world where responsibility is no longer pressed upon us during our 20s. We get a pass and are encouraged to enjoy this part of our youth—the freedom of not having kids and a spouse. That means we do not develop responsibility tools necessary for the next phase in our 30s and 40s and beyond. If we don’t mature when we are meant to (biologically) will we ever? I understand that there are parts of the brain that are still maturing in our 20s, but that should not mean we are not adults and given adult expectations of maturity and responsibility. Pretty soon some court is going to use being 22 as an excuse for a light murder sentence even though 22 is 4 years past the age of legal adulthood. And to be honest, I mixed about this being wrong—but writing this I wonder if I’ve been culturally brainwashed.
Marriage before 25 may continue to have a greater risk of divorce if we continue to postpone treating 20-somethings as adults and putting adult responsibilities on them.
Marital Timelines—Chemistry and Love
This trend of postponing marriage is something I have thought about a lot and my feelings are mixed. Were I not experiencing age-related infertility (perimenopause, but premature) I might not have such mixed feelings. When we were kids my step sister and I talked about when we wanted to get married.
Me: 26 or later after 2+ years of dating plus another year of engagement.
Her: 22 years old.
I felt then and now that it is important to get through the early stages of infatuation hormones. I did not experience being in-love until meeting my husband and even when I met him, I think I kept my head. I wanted us to get through the early phase of urges and longing and fireworks because I believed it when I was told such things are fleeting. I wanted to get to the real part and make sure we still wanted to be with each other. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I did not want to repeat that experience in my marriage.
My sister married the day before her 22nd birthday and I married 11 days after my 26th. Interestingly she met her husband only after deciding to give up her search and timeline and be patient for the man who she felt was ideal for her. I do think she found him!
I did not date in High School and Sweetheart was my first date. We met while taking summer courses between my Junior and Senior years of college, a few days after my 22nd birthday.
Fast Forward
My initial plan was to have a first child before turning 30—or at least be pregnant. But I chose grad school and I don’t regret it. So the plan was then to start trying in my last semester, but my company was bought and everyone was laid off. Once I was working again I figured it should be time and that’s when midlife crisis and infidelity entered my marriage (I was 32.5) and this time I knew pregnancy was on hold for a long time. I was 37 when we were stable and ready to try again and I was diagnosed with premature ovulatory failure (early perimenopause) and given a 1-5% chance of being able to conceive. It’s weird, but I think I always sensed this—I somehow knew at 32.5 when things went bad that having children (by being pregnant) was probably not going to happen.
Look back at what I told my sister. Date for 2+ years (and I told her that was a minimum 3 was probably better), then an engagement of at least a year. I also said that I didn’t think I should have children until I had been married at least 2 years—so not getting pregnant before the 2nd anniversary. That timeline would get a couple through the getting to know you’s getting to know living with you’s and the in-fatuation and it was 5-6 years long. I also wanted 3 kids—I still do.
From the Website Knot Yet: http://twentysomethingmarriage.org/in-brief
“Americans of all classes are postponing marriage to their late twenties and thirties for two main reasons, one economic and the other cultural. Young adults are taking longer to finish their education and stabilize their work lives. Culturally, young adults have increasingly come to see marriage as a “capstone” rather than a “cornerstone”—that is, something they do after they have all their other ducks in a row, rather than a foundation for launching into adulthood and parenthood.
But this capstone model is not working well for Middle Americans. One widely discussed reason for this is that Middle American men are having difficulty finding decent-paying, stable work capable of supporting a family. Another less understood reason is that the capstone model is silent about the connection between marriage and childbearing.”
I don’t want to have a marriage agenda for all people. I think that we should encourage people in their marriages and to direct their lives in the path of their bliss rather than what we want their bliss to be. For me, I want marriage and children. I didn’t think of marriage as a capstone; it is a cornerstone and part of our foundation. I was mid 20s, not late and I waited because I felt we needed to be together for a significant amount of time before making a final commitment of life together. We were initially waiting to start a family for two reasons: I feel it is important to be together alone for a couple of years before adding children and I think this is when we wanted our “ducks in a row.” For me marriage is not something to achieve—a capstone—but something to build and build upon—a cornerstone.
The Huffpost Article
“…unmarried twenty-somethings reported higher rates of depression and drinking, and lower life satisfaction than their married peers.”
Okay, but why is that? Is being married the factor that causes those differences or might the differences that lead some to be married and others to remain single be the reason?
And if those married twenty-somethings have a higher divorce rate than the average, do those symptoms catch up with them later in life when perhaps the now married but previously single twenty-somethings are married or still single?
“Ninety-one percent of young adults surveyed said they believe financial independence must precede marriage.”
Why? This is how I felt regarding having children—up to a point. I did not plan to postpone forever if we did not reach our financial goals. Is this because people want to responsible for their own debt—or not take on responsibility for someone else’s; ex. student loans? Aren’t married couples better off financially than singles?
Is this part of the “live your life now while you have freedom” message? That message is dangerous because what do those who didn’t feel later? Are they the ones leaving their marriages in their 40s because they missed out? And why is this pre-marriage space seen as the time of joy and freedom and post marriage is responsibility but no freedom? Married I have more access to financial stability which gives me more freedom to do things that cost money and I have someone (Sweetheart) available to do things with? And as an introvert, I would probably stay home and be less social if I were single. Marriage balances me and opens opportunities. Why are we not seeing all phases of life as blessed? We honor and long to be the maiden, idealize the mother and dismiss the crone.
“Marriage Offers Few Benefits Over Living Together
A study released in January found that the health benefits of marriage decrease over time, and that couples who cohabitate but remain unmarried experience greater happiness and self-esteem.”
” Married People Are Healthier, Live Longer Than Singles
Studies show that married couples experience lower levels of cancer, heart disease, depression and stress. The health benefits are even more pronounced for marrieds than for couples who are simply cohabiting.”
Of course there are studies that will contradict one another, but if you are going to cite both, you need to explain why even if it is simply to highlight how studies contradict one another?
I am curious about the differences in how these studies were designed? Was one flawed or more flawed? What were the biases of the designers for both? How was the data collected. And especially, what would the designers of each say about the other? How do they explain other studies that contradict their own conclusions?
Knot Yet (http://twentysometingmarriage.org)
This is a great website. The tagline is “The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America”
It has pages of reports with charts and other data. It discusses the educational divide mentioned in the Huff Post article, but in greater detail. It makes me wonder if we are heading to a class system where we have poorer families with more children and young parents—who may have a higher risk of divorce and middle class(+) families of older parents who have more solid marriages and fewer children. The poor families will produce more offspring, but will have less ability to help their children rise above their poverty because the cost of college may be unattainable. The middle class educated will produce fewer children—by choice and because they have fewer fertile years to do so. What might this mean for the future?
I did not see myself as postponing marriage—and in today’s world I married young for a woman with a college degree. I saw myself as taking it seriously and thus dedicating time to courtship. That is what I wish people would do. My husband and I knew we wanted to marry each other; it was not one of those will they or won’t they things. His reasons for waiting were different than mine. I was still in college—I was a double science major with a few minors, so it took almost 6 years. He wanted to wait until I was through—and I agreed with that since it would have changed my financial eligibility. But I was also strict about the timeline I had described to my step sister when were kids. My goal was to prevent divorce and that meant I needed to respect the commitment and give it time rather than rush in. That is what I wish people would do. I also wish they would approach fertility realistically—and not postpone because of the availability of in vitro fertilization. And I wish we would change our attitude toward weddings. I think they are vastly important as a Rite of Passage event and when seen as that they have a lot of power. But as a day to be a princess in a fancy dress and get fancy dishes and spend more on the day than a person might make in a year—absurd. We need to get our priorities straight.
I think the changes that are needed are changes in our cultural attitude—and those may be the slowest and most difficult. Our attitude now is the deny aging and romanticize youth. Marriage is often viewed as a trap and marriage bonds are a form of bondage. We have created this culture of high conflict divorce, fancy weddings (another reason some people postpone is simply to pay for the single-day event) and fleeting love. We let our children be children even when they are in their 20s. We provide and rescue rather than help them to learn from their mistakes and failures by resolving them on their own. It’s time we start giving them a hand by applauding (cheering them on) rather than offering our hand to pick them up.
I love this line – and sentiment – @Rollercoasterider:
“I saw myself as taking it [marriage] seriously and thus dedicating time to courtship.”
I understand feeling pressure when one is up against 40 if the biological clock is ticking an you really want children. But… otherwise? And even if that clock is ticking, to jump into marriage?
So much more food for thought here. I thank you, as always, for giving us resources as well as much to consider.
Ugh! Articles like this make me mental! The “one-size-fits-all” mentality of life. The beautiful thing about life that everyone chooses to ignore is that there is no right answer. What works for me probably won’t work for you. Add into that equation choice and responsibility and the possibilities become endless.
I got married at 22, my husband was 23. 17 years later (tomorrow, in fact, is our anniversary) I consider myself lucky that he is still my very best friend and biggest supporter. Here’s the thing, though… marriage is work. It requires sacrifice. I’m not entirely sure that this generation currently getting married has been raised with those expectations or knowledge of how to do it.
If my children come to me when they are 22 saying they are going to get married, I can’t really tell them no. Would I advise them against it? I’m not sure. I suppose it would depend on their maturity level and who they were marrying, etc. at 22, I had already finished a degree, lived on my own for 4 years and lived abroad.
My husband and I often comment on how if we had to do it all over, we’d do things the same. We had kids early, too, and I’m thankful that at 40, I’m not just starting out with baby things, and when I’m 50, my oldest will be 25 and my youngest will be 18. I can’t imagine having a 4 year old at that age. But again, to each his own. Maybe we are the exception, and considering skyrocketing divorce rates, clearly we are becoming the exception.
All that to say, there is no right age. For marriage, for kids, for a job…I think it’s all a lot of rubbish for writers to write about and to make people (especially women) feel bad and guilty about their choices.
I hear you, Sarah, on the one size fits all mentality and the way that women feel as though our choices – whatever they are – aren’t quite good enough.
Marriage, kids, job… so much work, yes. But a hearty congrats to you on your anniversary. And thanks for stopping to read and comment. I hope you will again.