This morning I came across one of those aggregating pseudo-newspapers in which I’m mentioned as a “news spotter.”
That always surprises me, and of course I’m curious to see what is referenced. In this case, one of my posts on adult children of divorce sat just above a link on a book called Making Divorce Work.
That’s quite an effective title I think – short, upbeat – and reflecting our collective cultural desire to simplify what is exceedingly complex.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s much to be gained from many of the sources in print and online to do with divorce. I wish they had been around when I was engaged in the divorcing process. But my immediate thought? Shouldn’t we be flooding the market with books on making marriage work?
Then I realized that perhaps we are, and not being married, I haven’t noticed.
Books on Marriage, Books on Divorce
So I Googled.
First, I Googled “making marriage work.” There were 12,600,000 results in less than half a second. Naturally, these aren’t all books – many of these references are articles or web sites, not to mention various services that may offer some sort of counseling.
Then I Googled “making divorce work.” There were 164,000,000 results in a quarter of a second. More than tenfold the supply – or am I really measuring the demand?
Again, there were books, articles, web sites – and of course, divorce attorneys offering their services.
How to Make Relationships Work
Dismayed at the discrepancy in results, and trying to look at the bigger picture, I reasoned that what we really need is relationship education, regardless of purpose. Oh, there’s nothing original in this thought. It’s the logical conclusion, isn’t it?
Wouldn’t we all benefit from learning to get along with each other? To give and take? To clearly state what we need and want? To attentively listen? To negotiate? To reacquaint ourselves with the basics of respect over disdain and narcissism?
I know, I know – not so simple! It ought to start in the home, right? Yet don’t we quickly circle back to all the societal pressures that are straining marriage at the seams – time, money, jobs – or lack thereof? And of course, kids?
Incidentally, I Googled “making relationships work.” 327,000,000 results! That’s astonishing – considering we don’t seem to be making progress in succeeding at making relationships work.
Divorce Discussion Around the Web
There are three fascinating conversations taking place over at the Huffington Post at present. The first is from Lisa Belkin, who raises the issue of blogger Heather Armstrong’s announcement of her marital split, on her widely known blog, Dooce. The second is a column by Mandy Walker relative to Colorado’s decision to nix legislation requiring a cooling off period for divorcing couples. The third is an article by Dr. Howard Markman on the importance of acquiring relationship skills so that we enter marriage with more capacity to make our unions work.
I recommend all three of these articles, as well as the comments that dig deeper into the issues from a variety of viewpoints. These discussions impact all of us. Who isn’t touched by the desire for an intimate relationship, the potential of its demise, and the impacts on one’s own health – much less the future of our children?
What is a Working Divorce?
As to making divorce work, are we now looking to define the successful divorce? Is it when both parties remarry? And if only one remarries? (There’s that marital agenda again, that underlies so much in our culture.)
Is it a matter of at least one of the former spouses claiming to be happy? Or freer to pursue happiness?
Where do the children fit? Do we ask them? Do we attempt to see through their eyes? Does everything depend on circumstances – whether the marital home was abusive, utterly miserable, or simply a mismatch of the adults as time wore on – though there’s nothing simple about it?
Sure, some “succeed” at divorce, and it’s a matter of perspective, don’t you think? I’m sure divorce “worked” for my ex-husband. I’m sure it “worked” for many exes, particularly those who know their way around the system in their particular state. To my mind, it’s a gray area – all of it.
And you certainly will find children as well as their parents who share the opinion that they are all better off after a “restructure” of their family unit. But how long does that take? How often does it occur? What assists in creating the conditions for that to be true?
As to making marriage work, frankly, I expected to see fewer results on Google than for divorce; by the time we’re looking for how to make that happen, it’s often much too late. But I didn’t expect such an extensive difference in my unscientific experiment.
Loving is the Easy Part
Love may come to us easily; love may require us to face hurdles. Loving – for most of us – is something good, sweet, at times bittersweet, necessary.
But love isn’t enough to make a marriage work. Most who have spent any time as a couple realize that, knowing that friendship and common values are make-or-break, that lovemaking or its absence is both problem and symptom, that children add stresses we never anticipate. Nor is marriage for everyone, or for that matter living as a couple.
So I come back to the notion of making relationships work. What about those 327,000,000 results that highlight our awareness of the problem? Why aren’t we doing better?
Click on image of Lovers to access Susan G. Hammond photography site.
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Good topic, and the Google ratios give us an idea of what’s happening. Have I mentioned that because so many marriages are poor, I changed my relationship with Fran from “married” to “in a relationship.” This produced some interesting confusion for those who missed my explanation that it is “relationship” that is significant, not the license recognizing “marriage.” Wish I could had the answers to put in simple form here. We’re all different, we learn (hopefully), and hopefully we learn early enough to put good practice into practice in our own lives.
What a fascinating experiment, Paul (whether or not you intended it to be). Yes, the relationship is what matters. At least, I share your opinion of that.
The operative word in all this is work. I think we are scared of the work it takes to make relationships successful. We want the soap opera, romantic, Cinderella story. We want the lust and pheromones that happen when we first meet our mate to carry us through life, through taxes, death, lost jobs, gaining weight, etc. I say throw away the rose colored glasses, roll up our sleeves and dig in. It really is worth it. And remember this, THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER. That grass has been worked, my friends.
Such an important reminder, Michelle – that the grass that seems greener has, indeed, been “worked” by someone – or likely two someones.
If only our focus was on relationships – with or without that piece of paper – before, during, or after a union, especially when children are involved.
Totally agree with you — there is not nearly enough awareness that our focus needs to be on educating people so that they don’t pick the wrong person to marry, or at least have better relationship skills, in the first place. I have been saying for awhile that high schools should require students to take courses in Family Systems and Child Development in order to graduate. I think if people understood early on their family-of-origin issues and the results of various kinds of couple and family communication/alliances/dysfunction, they might recognize they are with the wrong partner and not marry that person.
And I agree that courses in high school (and even younger) could and should be part of the curriculum. The kids could receive community service credit for them – required for graduation.
My recommendation would be to start even earlier, as 16, 17, 18 may already be too late. Many years ago, I volunteered in the public elementary school system, and used a variety of methods to teach 8, 9, and 10-year olds elements of planning, communication, and teamwork. You’d be surprised how readily they pick up the fundamentals and understand the benefits. They’re still so open to those “interpersonal” skills at that point – the basics of clearly communicating and attentively listening. I believe that’s when we need to start, and build courses that would roll forward from that age.
All too many kids never learn any of these basic skills – at home or in school. And they would help not only with relationships, but later on, schooling and jobs. This is obvious stuff. Why aren’t we doing it?
Interpersonal communication education in the early years, I highly recommend. I would not agree, however, with teaching my kids about marriage in school. Even if you’re talking about what makes a good marriage, it still assumes that marriage is a goal. I fundamentally disagree that marriage is an institution for which we all should aspire to join.
My comment was going to be something else before I read the other comments. My comment was going to be that I fully agree with your sentiment, BLW, that love is easy, and love alone is not enough.
I fully understand your point, April, now that you make it so clearly. Perhaps relationship skills is more the way to go – helpful in so many areas. And yet, for those who seek to cohabit in a relationship – there is certainly room for additional “expectation setting” at the very least.
But something has to be done, April, in my opinion. The challenge is that there are so many factors involved that push / lead us to marry, and so many of us are ill-prepared for what’s ahead.
You know…because I’m not ready to talk about it too much yet, I will say that this very issue has been on my mind a lot lately.
It’s hard to know, Christine, what to say, to whom, and how much. I have found that taking our time and erring on the side of discretion has worked for me, personally. I balance that with the benefits of processing what I think and feel through the act of writing, often delayed (in my case), and the conversation that follows. There’s no “one right way,” as with most things in life.
I think the emphasis needs to be taken off the “wedding day” and re-directed towards what a marriage “partnership” entails. This comparison is very culturally evident between the US and Europe (more people live together or are PACs in France than are married)…
I couldn’t agree more, labergerebasque. This appeared in December at Huffington Post, on the emphasis we place on the wedding rather than the marriage. Unfortunately, I don’t think many saw it. I think it’s a worthy discussion.
My two cents is that fear is a key piece of this puzzle. When we are in our fear brain we do not connect; loving, making a relationship work, making a marriage work, doing our best for our children and having a happy and fulfilling life all depend on being able to connect (with our Self and with others and the group). Thus understanding our fears, individual and collective (especially in an “age of terrror/war on terror”) and how to ameliorate them, should likely help move us in the right direction.
Again, my two cents on this is to intervene as early in the stream of human development as possible—for we know a lot about what actually facilitates secure attachment in infants (we just don’t widely disburse this information nor socially support the skillful implementation of its implications—longer maternity leave, screening pregnant women for trauma and treating that trauma before babies are born would have huge implications for physical health, crime, health care dollars spent and likely have huge positive effects on the general tone of relatedness in our society).
Government is clearly not going to step up on this, but no one can stop us from loving if we are so inclined, and know how to love. I’m still learning this fine art, but I see that it is up to us and not up to the government (where right now it’s one dollar one vote).
Martin Buber called relating, at the soul-level, “the essential deed” of human existence. This is beyond parenting, marriage, sex and love—it is the all-encompassing field in which relationships of all stripes occur.
You know how it’s done BLW—and I thank you for inspiring us to deeply think about such things and then roll up our sleeves and make it happen.
“Shouldn’t we be flooding the market with books on making marriage work?
So I Googled.
First, I Googled “making marriage work.” There were 12,600,000 results in less than half a second. Naturally, these aren’t all books – many of these references are articles or web sites, not to mention various services that may offer some sort of counseling.
Then I Googled “making divorce work.” There were 164,000,000 results in a quarter of a second. More than tenfold the supply – or am I really measuring the demand?”
Wow. These things shouldn’t surprise and yet they still do. Or maybe it’s not surprise—I’m not shocked—but it is saddening.
“Incidentally, I Googled “making relationships work.” 327,000,000 results! That’s astonishing – considering we don’t seem to be making progress in succeeding at making relationships work.”
But that is interesting and a bit more heartening as well.
Paul: “…because so many marriages are poor, I changed my relationship with Fran from “married” to “in a relationship.” This produced some interesting confusion for those who missed my explanation that it is “relationship” that is significant, not the license recognizing “marriage.””
Paul brings up an interesting point about relationship versus marriage. Cohabitation has a higher rate of splitting up than those who are married and those who cohabitate prior to marriage—I’ve read a few variations on this in the past week—have a higher divorce rate. In particular it is those who lived together before engagement without plans to marry that had the higher rates, though perhaps those who were engaged or planned to marry (without being officially engaged) had higher rates too, but not as high as those who just married because they figured they might as well since they already shared a house and pets.
But what is marriage? I know cohabitating couples who see themselves as married, but without the civil sanction. Sweetheart and I lived together for three years and I would not have considered it had marriage not been in the plans. Today we live in a world where we have ready access to someone who can put a legal stamp of approval on our union.
But 250 years ago a couple might not have had access to someone who could legally marry them. Were they not allowed to be married in their own eyes and even God’s because there was not a minister, judge or captain of the ship present? Well, God will make His own decision on that one. Was it considered fornication for such a couple to have sexual relations? God’s not a prude, but we often are.
There are benefits beyond social acceptance; tax benefits, protections in case of a break-up, medical benefits… Without those valid benefits is marriage just a label? Some companies offer benefits to partners, but those are not extended to the government and taxes. What if they were…?
Marriage is a commitment. But I don’t think married couples have a monopoly on that. So what makes a commitment? Sometimes people assume commitment but fail to discuss what it means with their partner. Does a commitment need a ritual or ceremony? Must it be made in public or with at least one witness? If those things are helpful, but not necessary, how are they helpful? Does an official ceremony commemorating a commitment give each person (or some people) a psychological protection and feeling of validity?
There is a couple from my home church who divorced years and years ago. They got back together—also years and years ago—but did not renew their vows. Are they married or cohabiting? There are actually several unmarried couples in that congregation, so it seems odd, but my Mom said that it seems like some people are a bit judgmental of this formerly married couple. My comment to her was that they are married in the eyes of God, so what’s the big deal.
“Dismayed at the discrepancy in results, and trying to look at the bigger picture, I reasoned that what we really need is relationship education, regardless of purpose. Oh, there’s nothing original in this thought. It’s the logical conclusion, isn’t it?
April says: “I would not agree, however, with teaching my kids about marriage in school. Even if you’re talking about what makes a good marriage, it still assumes that marriage is a goal. I fundamentally disagree that marriage is an institution for which we all should aspire to join.”
When I talk about Marriage Education at the High School level I don’t mean that there must be a message of intimacy and commitment for marriage only and April, you are correct that the curriculum should certainly not be limited to paired intimate relationships, nor should it promote such relationships as the only acceptable way to live in adulthood. Some of the Standers at my forum are technically not married. They have children together and have been together 10+ years; to me that’s a marriage in the manner of the relationship.
Michele Weiner Davis (Divorcebusting Founder) wrote a post comment to the Boulder Weekly that talked about Marriage & Family coursework being available in some middle schools. Home Economics was a requirement when I was in middle school, but it did not cover relationships—at least it did not seem like it to me. There was the awkward session on sex ed. where we could ask our questions in secret by putting them in a box and that orgasm thing just did not make sense to me!
Some relationship education is general kindergarten stuff about sharing and playing nice with others, but let’s be honest those are important to marriage, but it’s not that simple. Of course, as you say, ideally it should start at home, but sadly that is often not happening.
But the solution if education brings the main question: HOW? I love the solution, now how do we enact it? How do we promote it at all levels—home, family, church, school, after school activities and programs…media (good luck with that one).
“As to making divorce work, are we now looking to define the successful divorce?
…Where do the children fit? Do we ask them? Do we attempt to see through their eyes? Does everything depend on circumstances – whether the marital home was abusive, utterly miserable, or simply a mismatch of the adults as time wore on – though there’s nothing simple about it?”
Since 80% of divorces are unilateral, some people will do their relationship work and still find themselves divorced, single parents. Regardless of whether they are Standers holding a goal of reconciliation or not is not what is important. It is the children who are important and no matter what some kids will experience divorce even if it could and should have been prevented. I know a woman in her 50s who contracted polio as a child because her mother didn’t belief in vaccinations. We did not cure polio, we prevented it, but not without the vaccine. And even if the only divorces (or separations) were in dangerous situations such as abuse, incarceration, addiction or other high conflict relationships, we would still have those children of the necessary divorced who would need help.
It is important that we encourage good or workable or functional divorces. Something where the former spouses can have a non-confrontational (at the least) co-parenting relationship. How do we do that? I don’t know. Some people blame the contentious process of divorce for creating more conflict. It is true that conflict often increases with divorce—to the surprise of many. But is that the process of divorce, or is a piece of something bigger. If 80% of divorces are unilateral 40% of divorced spouses likely felt rejected at some point during the process. Rejection is a powerful motivator and some will lash out from their pain and encourage the contentious process of a divorce. It’s the chicken and the egg: Does divorce make us contentious or do we make divorce contentious? We certainly existed before divorce and we are its creators; I think we are responsible for being contentious and contentious divorce—and the courts—are convenient weapons. It’s a lot easier to hate the one you love than to hate that stranger down the street.
“So I come back to the notion of making relationships work. What about those 327,000,000 results that highlight our awareness of the problem? Why aren’t we doing better?”
Maybe because that searched the commonality of the quest for answers rather than answers. How do you search for answers? I mean, isn’t searching for them showing that we still don’t know? Will we ever? Do we want to know the answers? Or is part of the joy and even purpose in life the search for the answers?
“I know her so well now that I have not the slightest idea who she is.”
– Gabriel Garcia Marquez about his wife
As for the “contentious process of divorce,” among other things, if we reduced (or eliminated) the profit motive in making it contentious, that might be a good start…
It was a requirement of our son’s school (which goes from pre-school through primary) that all parents take the communications workshop offered there. The focus was on listening, setting boundaries, and conflict resolution. Our son was only two and a half when we took it the first time. I said to the workshop leader, “I can’t wait to use these techniques and skills with our boy when he’s older.” (He wasn’t even talking then.) The teacher said, “Why not begin now?” We did, and our son responded, at two and a half.
There may be an age when it’s too early for learning about family dynamics, but I don’t think there’s an age when it’s too early to be listened to.
Quite true, Wolf. Genuine listening helps everything, and it’s never too early – or possibly too late – to begin.
After I read this, I’ll need to head over to the article on Heather Armstrong…I’ve followed her on and off for years. I am saddened to hear the news.
We seem to share these virtual cups of coffee often, BLW. I think from the perspective of compassion and personal experience, you could write a riveting book on relationships. Like you eluded to, there is no money in making a marriage work. Similar to cancer, the profit is in easing the pain, not eliminating the illness completely.
My husband and I took a great course on communication through the Church a couple years ago. We did learn ways to communicate with one another and it worked…for awhile. But throw in financial woes, with everyday stress, to built up resentment, and those communication skills amount to very little when one (or both parties) views an exit from the relationship as a viable solution. Toss in a very willing (third party, maybe even fourth?) into the mix and you have yourself a hell of a mess.
If we are looking at non-violent, non-abusive relationships, I think all couples contemplating divorce/separation should be forced to enter therapy/counseling before doing so.
I recently read a comment on a website where the woman was insisting divorce benefited the Left Behind Spouse financially and the law was in her favor, especially if she had custody of the children. I wish she knew your story.
Although divorce should always be considered an option (some people do enter into unions quickly and without much thought), it should not be thought of as a possibility…if that makes sense.
You are so right, love is never enough. It takes a lot of work to make any relationship work – even when it comes to parents-children, spouse-in laws, boss-coworkers. We (usually) don’t think of disowning our sister/brother when they irritate us. Why are we so quick to toss out our spouse when things are rough?
I am the co-author of Making Divorce Work, one of the books referenced in this post.
I suppose the ultimate irony is that much of the text of Making Divorce Work is actually devoted to making your post-divorce relationship work… a lot of things that, if you had done them before your marriage got the point where you were considering divorce, would have probably saved your marriage.
“Wouldn’t we all benefit from learning to get along with each other? To give and take? To clearly state what we need and want? To attentively listen? To negotiate? To reacquaint ourselves with the basics of respect over disdain and narcissism?”
That’s basically what we’re talking about in Making Divorce Work.
Better late than never, I suppose.
Thank you for referencing our book as part of your post! It was very fun to get a notification on Google Alerts and then read such a thoughtful post. Thanks!
Diana Mercer, attorney-mediator and co-author of Making Divorce Work, and Your Divorce Advisor.
Thank you for stopping by and reading, Diana. Now if only we truly could put those conflict resolution skills to use in marriage – early enough to assist – and before we get past the point of no return.
Given my experience working with couples and those going through a divorce I agree with Bruce, one of the main key factors in the failure of relationships is fear, the fear of being vulnerable.
How can two people come together or “couple” with each other if they are not capable of opening themselves up to the possibility of emotional hurt? Cause let’s face it, there are no perfect couplings. At times your partner will be your ally, at times he/she will be your foe.
We teach our children to be strong and independent, to stand on their own two feet. We should also be teaching them the virtues of dependence and being open to loving and being loved.
Relationships fail because people are less willing to find a happy medium between independence and dependence. Most of us are all looking for the same things out of a relationship. We all want someone we can rely on BUT many of us aren’t willing to allow ourselves to rely on anyone.
Maybe we should be reading books on how to become more vulnerable or more able to truly, intimately be attached to others?
http:cathywmeyer.com