You go on vacation to a far-off city. To your surprise, you fall in love with a local. Then what? Or… Maybe you encounter your special someone online — a person who makes your heart skip that proverbial beat — as the two of you beam at each other over messaging or Facetime or Skype, as you share images of your respective lives, as you do your best to communicate without a common language. So what comes next?
My latest guilty pleasure in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep — a show on TLC called 90-Day Fiancé. (I know. I did say guilty pleasure.)
If you aren’t familiar with this reality show, it follows couples who are seeking to decide whether not they will marry within the 90-day timeframe, which is a requirement of a K-1 visa. Cutting to the chase of what drives me crazy about this show, however interesting (and addictive?), consider this:
The Americans — both the men and the women — don’t seem very interested in learning about their future partners’ non-American culture. This seems especially true of the women, however, who then subsequently wonder what is wrong with the Spanish man, the Moroccan man, the Dominican man, the Dutch man… But the men are frequently similarly inclined when it comes to the Philippine woman, the Thai woman, the Russian woman, and so on…
All the while, these starry-eyed lovers seem not to have explored even a few basics about the culture of the person they are theoretically going to marry.
Hello? Common sense? Cross-cultural common sense? A little simple respect via reasonable research?
What about religious differences, gender role differences, varying expectations in terms of family relationships and responsibilities? What about differences in food and its meaning in certain settings, differences in PDA (public displays of affection) and pre-marital sex, differences in expectations towards in-laws? What about issues around money or objects of value? What about language? Body language? And then there’s child-rearing…
These are just a handful of the problematic areas that come to mind.
This, of course, is what causes conflict and, no doubt, is part of the reason the viewer is watching these train wrecks in process.
Do some of these couples manage to make things work? Sure. However, the apparent state of cultural cluelessness is stunning.
When I married a European oh-so-many years ago, I had already lived abroad, spoke a few languages, and was accustomed to doing business in my soon-to-be spouse’s home country. Moreover, he had lived in several parts of the world, had been living and working in the U.S. for more than two years, and was multilingual. Nevertheless, there were all kinds of cultural differences that reared their irritating little heads, especially after we had children. Many of them were very subtle, but they were nonetheless culturally based, and the only thing that could get us through was a bit of humor and patience.
And of course, love.
That said, some of these differences grated for years. On both of us. And our two cultures of origin were not terribly different, which goes to show you that these differences do indeed matter.
Point of contrast: My most successful, significant relationships have been with French men, which I chalk up to a cultural chemistry that seems to work well for me. But I also understand the importance of moving beyond limerence, beyond the madly-in-love stage where emotion trumps reason and you get yourself into trouble…
Personally, I believe shared values are one of the key “must-haves” for any relationship to work. And that gets to the heart of the matter — our values are at least partially determined by the culture in which we are raised and live. Other must-haves? Oh, there are so many for some of us! But they’re about character — honesty, integrity, fairness. And of course, one’s willingness to open up and be vulnerable in communication is huge; this too is heavily influenced by culture. And it requires that you understand what the other person is saying! (And also, how to read what they’re not.)
So as I watch these couples in their 90-day period, before getting married, and in some instances their pre-pre-marital period of time either in the US or overseas, I am astounded at how little the Americans seem to know about the cultural norms of their theoretically future spouses.
And as an American, I’m a bit embarrassed!
I’m all for romance. I’m all for the richness of cross-cultural matches. But achieving intimacy and making a relationship work are hard enough when you come from the same city, much less two different cultures or countries. If you are indeed seeking to succeed at cross-cultural couplehood, shouldn’t you do your homework when attempting to mesh customs and mores that may ultimately pose serious challenges?
This isn’t a situation of the ugly American per se, but it certainly seems to me to be a situation of the ignorant American. Interesting reality television? Sure. But… Shame on those of us who cannot even bother to spend time on Google or YouTube or… heaven forbid… picking up an actual book!
I welcome your thoughts.
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I’ve been watching this show as well and see SO MANY significant differences between the man and woman with these couples. Just their age differences alone are huge-especially since women have a biological clock and if a man has already had kids 20 yrs ago does he really want to start all over again?
Or can he even still have kids if he got fixed already as we find out on this show?
I know from experience that the closer two people are in terms of age, culture, gender expectations and maturity the less bridges there are that keep them apart over the long haul.
And isn’t that the goal to increase our optimal chances of a long term, healthy relationship?
Yes, yes, yes! I so agree with you, Nancy Kay. The age differences do seem to pose significant problems. As does what appears to be desperation on the part of some of the individuals involved. Not to mention the fact that they don’t seem to know each other very well, and being pressed into a three month period for so monumental decision is ridiculous when you don’t really know who you’re dealing with. But it is fascinating television!
Ouf! This is a big topic!
My first husband was an American whom I met overseas. After we divorced, I dated a United Nations of guys, which was easy between living in New York and Europe. I eventually married a Belgian. One attractive thing about many Europeans is that even hard right conservatives are practically to the left of the left in the U.S., more so now than 10 or 15 years ago as the U.S. has shifted to the right.
What happened with the first husband? We both applied for better jobs. I got my dream job; he got no offers. So he left. Although it was hard at the time, clearly I was better off without someone who didn’t want me to be my best self but just a cheerleader for him, when sadly he wasn’t doing much to cheer about.
In any case, marrying under a short deadline and without fully knowing family and friends on both sides is a terrible idea. More crazy reality TV.
I am chuckling at the way you phrase certain things. And yes, political differences are also major, though I have experienced and observed the same thing with regard to your conservatives comparison.
I hesitate to give my opinion on this subject in case anyone takes offence. But here goes…..
I have lived and travelled abroad. In all circumstances, when I was in the company of Americans, I found them ignorant of other cultures and resistant to even learn. I’m afraid as a big country, you are insular. It is a pity because other nationalities have so much to share. The experiences enrich our lives. Try to step out of your shoes and into someone else’s and your world will open up.
Always a fascinating and thoughtful read D.A. Wolf.
I certainly don’t take offense, Joanna. I couldn’t agree more.
AGREE!
I must tune into that show sometime. Probably when my husband is away canoeing… he hates reality TV. Except for What Not To Wear… I totally converted him to that show.
In a less major way, understanding your future spouse’s culture is kind of like travelling without having done any research. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to watch other travellers make asses out of themselves in foreign countries. Travelling “blind” can sometimes even be dangerous. We still wonder about the two kids who tried to hike the Tongariro Crossing in New Zealand in flip flops. We had boots, long-underwear, and Gortex jackets because we’d read that it could get verrry cold at the top… and it did. I say “tried to hike,” because we didn’t see them after the first km or so. I assume they turned back. I hope they turned back.
Your husband likes What Not to Wear? (chuckling)
I imagine with your travels you’ve really seen some crazy things…Flip flops? Really? (That’s nuts!)
AMERICANS were an embarrassment when I lived in FLORENCE, ITALY 25 years ago!
They would demand ice cubes in their COKES…. The ITALIANS did not use ice cubes!
They would only order PASTA as THE MAIN DINNER….. NO ONE IN ITALY DOES THAT!
AS you said, READ UP ON THE CULTURE YOUR GOING TO VISIT!!!!!!!
ASK WHAT YOU SHOULD EAT……..WHAT IS IN SEASON!
AND BE GRACIOUS……..NOT LOUD and DEMANDING!!!!!!!!
YOU will have a much MORE enjoyable trip……..I PROMISE!
I MARRIED A REAL ITALIAN.
Are you hinting I should lower my expectations for an intellectually and emotionally fulfilling relationship with a mail-order foreign bride? 🙂