The words repeat in my head: I love him, but I don’t want to marry him; I love him, but I don’t want to marry him yet; I love him, but I don’t know if I can give him what he wants – if what he wants is the traditional commitment of marriage.
The words circle again, though twisting their tune slightly: I love him, but I don’t always like him; I love him, but he’s driving me crazy; I love him, but I don’t know if I can live with him; I love him, and I know I don’t want to live without him.
I started with a premise of “I love him, but…” and used our favorite auto-fill feature of you-know-what, hoping to see what queries popped up first, second, and after.
To my surprise, the phrase that appears in Google and strikes me first is one I have used at various times in my life — I love him, but I don’t want to marry him. I imagine others are familiar with these words, knowing the realities of relationship challenges and especially, what can happen after “I do.”
What Drives Us Nuts About Our Partners?
Our feelings about a much-loved partner will depend on the latest kindness or tiff, the current tranquil mood or period of stress, a happy compromise or an unresolved conflict that plagues us time and time again.
A few of my “love, but…” phrases:
I love him, but he interrupts when I’m working, and then I have to pick up again later at night while he’s sleeping.
I love him, but I need more time to myself; I’m a relatively solitary creature at times. (How does he manage to live with me?)
I love him, but there are a handful of core issues on which we disagree; we can navigate around them now, but what about in the future?
I love him, but I don’t want to marry him for at least as many reasons as I can imagine that I might, someday, feel differently.
I am not ready to marry — make that remarry. I do not “need” marriage. I don’t know if I will ever need marriage, though that may not be the case for him.
When We Aren’t Ready to Marry
When I was younger, I sensed that I wasn’t ready to marry. And this was before I had been through the experience of divorce, which has surely impacted my ability to ever see myself remarried.
My reasons when I was younger:
- I love him, but I’m not ready and I haven’t lived enough. (I was 22 at the time.)
- I love him, but we haven’t been together long enough. How do I know how we’ll weather the storms? (I was 30ish.)
- I love him, but I don’t know if I can deal with his children and his ex. (Legitimate concerns; I was 32 then.)
And then there came a yes, with flickers of awareness that I ignored.
I love him, but I’m uneasy when he acts so selfishly, when his friends seem more important than spending time with me, when he discounts what I want though he charms his way out of it, and then… I see his family… they show me so much and it is good, and yes, we have a shot… I love him, I love his family, we’ll live halftime in Europe and halftime in the US or some similar arrangement and that suits us both. The rest? It will work itself out, there is no perfect, there is no couple with “no problems,” so yes… I will marry him, yes, I said yes, I say yes, I live the consequences of yes.
I Should Have Paid Attention
On that one, that yes, I should have listened to my “buts”… but… then I wouldn’t have given birth to my amazing sons.
When we are tangled in inner dialog, wrestling with what we know and see about ourselves, our circumstances, our partners – shouldn’t we listen?
I love him, but I don’t want to marry him may apply to this day, this month, this year – and if he sticks around, may no longer apply in the next. We ought to focus on our non-readiness, but more importantly, the reasons for it.
- Will those reasons change?
- Do we want them to change?
- Is there something specific making an indefinite engagement an excellent solution for now?
- Are we making excuses for some other reason we have yet to articulate?
- Are we making excuses out of fear? Not only of our level of commitment, but of our partner’s?
- What is the worst that can happen if I say yes?
On that last, the “worst” can be pretty terrible. “I can always get a divorce if things don’t work out” is not as simple an option as one might think, and for marriage, not a particularly positive attitude going in.
The process of disassembling a publicly declared and legally established family unit is far trickier than if you haven’t publicly declared yourselves, much less invoked the jurisdiction of state law.
And if there are children?
It’s exponentially more complicated – financially, logistically, emotionally.
12 Signs You Shouldn’t Marry Him (or Her)
Signs you shouldn’t marry him – or her?
- Trust issues – with cause. Your infidelity; his infidelity. Big. Red. Flag.
- Substance abuse issues – alcohol, drugs, gambling. He or she denies or tries to kick it, to no avail.
- Any inkling of physical abuse – even once is TOO MUCH; walk away – better yet, run!
- Verbal or emotional abuse / manipulation – passive-aggressive behaviors, withholding, disrespectful or diminishing language; you or what you care about is belittled.
- Clash of values / priorities — children, importance of career, money. When a couple’s values are out of synch, it can only get worse.
- Lies – anything other than pertaining to your hair, your singing voice in the shower, how much he likes your mother / brother / best friend — another red flag.
- Communication stalemates — Touchy topics are avoided rather than discussed – over and over again.
- Persistent dislike or discomfort on the part of your kids — often, kids have great instincts. Pay attention.
- Emotional distance – if it’s there now and persists, what will it be like after marriage?
- Libido — This is less an issue of how you like it; more an issue of how much / how often.
- Your kind of sex – how you like it. If you go for everything in the Kama Sutra and he’s missionary all the way, you’re headed for a disconnect – literally.
- Something in your gut says “no.”
No doubt there are more signs; no doubt you sense them. Don’t bury your head in the sand.
What Do You Do With Your “But” When You’re in Love?
A few thoughts on real world relationships, and our choices once we’re in them:
- I love him, but he’s driving me crazy.
- I love him, but I don’t always like him.
- I love him, but he doesn’t give me what I need.
- I love him, but I don’t give him what he needs.
- I love him, but I worry that his first family will always take priority.
- I love him, but his career always seems to come first.
- I love him, but he doesn’t take what I care about seriously.
Those first two? Join the crowd. None of us carries on a long-term relationship without driving the other crazy occasionally, and vice versa. None of us lives a blissful existence during which we don’t feel dislike for the other person at times, especially when we ourselves are under stress, overtired, or possibly, in physical or emotional pain.
Worrying about what he or she needs — and not just what we need? That’s essential. Relationships must be a two-way street. Concern over priorities? You’d better find out where you fit before you seriously consider a next step. You can successfully work through some conflicts, while others will persist. Ask yourself: Can I live with these differences? Should I have to?
Then there’s this: “I love him, but I don’t want to marry him.” If these are the words of your inner voice, then pay attention — especially to your reasons.
And if the words are these — I love him, but I don’t want to marry him yet — communicate your sentiments with all the tenderness and compassion you can possibly manage.
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I’ve heard of home ec (or the like) classes that make a couple care for an egg in the same way they would a baby: can’t leave it alone, handle tenderly, etc. It demonstrates at least a small part of the commitment that his parenthood. Perhaps there are dolls for this now.
It seems to me that someone should have to read (memorize?) the terms of the marriage contract and of the divorce procedures as set out by the state. We are not free to marry in the way that we wish, the contract is defined for us. People only ever seem to see the white dress, the exotic honeymoon or the combined incomes. They never seem to see that part of the marriage, the legally binding relationship. If a woman doesn’t want children and she doesn’t need money, that legal relationship may not have many rewards for her.
Of course, built into your assumption, Shelley, is that a woman will be better off financially if married. Not necessarily how it goes in this world these days… But I do quite agree that one needs to take a practical look at marriage, and that certainly includes those entering this institution young, and for the first time.
I was 24, he 23 when we married. I had had 2 horrible relationships before we met, and he treated me so much better. We shared similar goals, similar career aspirations, similar values. But there were warning signs, and I should have paid attention. My family never responded warmly to him. He was always treated respectfully, but never truly accepted. I was terrified of being alone, and I wanted children desperately — two awful reasons to marry, I now know. And while we were dating, and even during our year and a half engagement, I always felt I had to earn his love. Little did I know how devastating that would be. Now, two children and 20 years later, all signs point to divorce. “I love him, but… WHY didn’t I pay attention to the warning signs?”
I’m so sorry you find yourself in this place, KT. And I understand. Too many of us, both men and women, have asked ourselves: Why didn’t I pay attention to the signs?
Perhaps if our society didn’t place so much status and importance on women (especially) being married. If only, if only… There are no easy answers in any of this.
I know. When I went to college it was expected that I would get my BS, MS, and my Mrs. I did, and you know what has happened since…
Thank you for understanding. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
And why oh why do these warning signs only ring true when it is too late? At any given time any one of these signs apply to a marriage. It seems they loom larger only after the old axioms of either ‘he/she will change’ or ‘I’ll get used to it’ has run its course.
Cornelia – Lovely to hear from you. I join you in bemoaning our attentiveness to hindsight, rather than heeding those red flags.
Have you noticed that more couples over 60 are living together, but not marrying? Not for those negative reasons in the article. I love this at Zest Now.
That’s a great article about living together from Zest Now, Dianne. Thanks so much for including it. (And I agree completely with their viewpoint.)
My friends married life is bad. she had a love marriage. now i’m also in love. she always told me that my bf and her husband have the same nature. she says i should break up with him because after marriage my life also will become worse because it is a love marriage. i’m very negative about it…
I haven’t been able to articulate this before. Thank you so much~
I rather want to ask for help from you guys. I am in love rightly with this boy but my parents want me to bring him to the house and to marry but am still 23. I don’t want now. What should I do and their reason is for me to have children. Please help me.
Is it usual for your friends / brothers / sisters to marry at this age? Is there a way you can bring him to your home for your parents to meet him, but explain gently tht you aren’t ready for marriage yet? (Je ne sais pas si le français te convient mieux ; je ne sais pas si, dans ta culture, à 23 ans c’est “normale” de se marier.)
Do you have a friend or other family member or even a clergy person who could also speak to your parents and support your position that you aren’t ready yet?
I’m 22 and i’ve been in a relationship for a year plus… we got engaged this july but now i feel like I’m not ready to marry yet and I’m not sure if i even want to marry him. Don’t know how to handle this. We are set to marry by February and family has gotten involved.
Just one woman’s opinion, but… 22 is very young! If you do not feel you are ready to marry, then don’t get married! Surely your family and your fiancé’s don’t want the two of you staring at a divorce a year or two down the road, much less bringing children into a situation without sufficient foundation. Marriage is challenge enough when both are certain they are ready.
Speak to your fiancé. Speak to your families.
My fiance is a great guy, but I do see the warning flags. I feel so guilty because he helped me through a very difficult time and I don’t want him to think I was using him. I didn’t ask for the help and did try to refuse it at one point. I do love him, parts of him. There are some things that I just don’t think I can overlook, which make me not want to marry him. He’s very passive aggressive, he never apologizes when he’s hurt me, the sex is very quick on his part, and not nearly often enough, and we rarely discuss anything important. When I try to discuss things, he usually just walks off or makes up excuses. I don’t know what to do. My family adores him. My friends adore him. I’m so confused.
I obviously don’t know you or him or your situation, USAngel. But what you list here are issues of character as well as behavior. And they are not small items.
Have you been able to talk about any of this with him? If that’s a yes, and you think there is any meeting of the minds, you might have something to build on in these areas that concern you.
Depending upon our circumstances – like age and peer groups, finances as well – we may feel pressure to marry someone when we aren’t ready to marry, or we know in our gut that it isn’t the right situation. Personally, I try to listen to my gut. I made most of my mistakes in life when I didn’t.
The fact that others adore someone does not mean that the person they ‘show’ is the person they are… with you. And that is what really matters.
Just my two cents.
I agree. Please look up signs of emotional abuse. Those issues are huge. Blaring red flags. Just the fact that you didn’t want his help but he forced it on you says something. I had more subtle warning signs that I ignored. Many years later, I’m starting over. It only gets worse. It sounds like a relationship where nothing will ever be resolved. What happens if you push for a resolution of issue? If you are walking on eggshells now, you will be later. Please pay attention to the “warning flags”.
My bf is complete marriage material and is all set to settle in life. I’m just 22 and have different prospects towards life, and career goals. We love each other a lot, take care of each other and have fun together, but something inside says I’m not yet ready to get married and not even sure about him. I’ve told this to him and after a long argument he says its ok. Heart now feels less burdened and it’s better to have different ways rather than ruining lives.
I’m 53, been married and divorced. I NEVER want to go through another divorce. I’ve been dating this man for 4 years and he wants to marry. It’s not that I don’t want to marry him, I love him. I just don’t want to marry AT ALL! I feel guilty that I feel this way. I wish I felt differently. Sometimes he brings it up in a joke or around other people and then they start trying to talk me into it. I feel pressured and that makes it worse. What do I do? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to marry him just to keep him. Any input would help
Thanks!
Anna
Hi Anna. Thanks for reading and commenting. Personally, I understand completely where you’re coming from. This isn’t about how much you love him or your willingness to commit your heart to him. This is about an experience of divorce that is so bad that you just can’t risk going through it again. And, it is about your awareness that things can happen in relationships that cause them to deteriorate.
A few thoughts.
First, if you are living together or plan to live together, I strongly suggest you consider some sort of cohabitation agreement. Especially if either of you have children. This protects you and your children (and him and his) in the event that there is confusion or a difficult situation should one or the other of you have issues down the road such as illness, accident, or worse. You also need to understand the differences legally between marriage and cohabitation, all the more reason to think about the various ways that you would or would not want this person to have any power over decisions in your life should you be incapacitated. Likewise, the power you would have over his.
A second thought is the following. Perhaps the two of you might want some kind of celebration in front of friends and family to show how much you care for each other. This need not be legal, but could be a sort of proclamation of your love and commitment to each other that would display how important he is to you.
There is no question that when a long-term relationship dissolves, with or without marriage, you are going to go through a great deal of emotion. There is no eliminating that. Of course, no “partner” wants to think that you are even considering that such an ending might occur. Naturally, there are no guarantees for any of us – married or not. But from personal experience, I can certainly say that it’s a whole lot easier when a committed relationship ends and you aren’t legally wed than adding the rancor, expense, and time involved in going through a legal proceeding.
One final thought. Have you talked with him about all the reasons he wants to marry? Giving them (and him) a thorough, fair, and open-minded hearing could be helpful… to both of you.
Thank you so much D. A. Wolf. That was a huge help. I appreciate and will follow your advice.
The best to you!
Anna
I love him but I can’t wrap my head around the idea of marriage… he says i don’t love him enough to marry him, and I’d marry him if that’d mean not to lose him… but, I don’t want to get married and he does… he just told me we’re just wasting each other’s time 🙁