When I first read about Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy breaking up, I was convinced it was media gossip. I glanced briefly at an article in the tabloid press, dismissed it, and went on with other things.
When sound bites concerning the couple’s separation became too glaring to ignore, I still told myself they’d work it out.
When I saw that the Skinnygirl mogul and reality star had filed for divorce and discussions were taking place over the custody of their 2-year-old child, I couldn’t even bear to read the details.
This one feels personal.
As if a friend is going through it.
Most of us experience hopefulness when we see couples marry, and naturally we feel disappointment when they split. We have impressions, we have theories. We share our opinions and conjecture. Something in us is triggered – especially if we’ve weathered a divorce of our own.
In trying to understand, we seek blame, we want answers, and we’re intent on identifying a Good Guy and a Bad Guy.
But life isn’t that simple.
Generally I don’t pay a great deal of attention to celebrity divorces. I skim and move on, no doubt because I’ve been the busy single mother myself for years, and live a “real world” existence that requires me to maximize each minute.
Celebrity Divorces – Do They Matter?
A celebrity’s life?
It has little to do with mine; I have no mega-watt career, no doting entourage, no millions to fight over, no public persona to bolster or defend in the wake of my personal interactions.
I am not concerned with J-Lo’s comings-and-goings, though I wrote on it. I admit that I took no notice whatsoever when Heidi Klum and Seal hit the news. I weighed in on the Kelsey-Kayte-Camille affair, which struck me as a testament to Me Generation meets Happiness Industry, and I confess that bit of media fodder got under my skin and stayed there for awhile.
The Kardashian-Humphries marriage? Now there’s one that caught our collective attention, though for some of us that short-lived union makes a mockery of marital vows. Might we mention that the divorce is enduring far longer than the marriage itself? My, how the legalities drag on, posing a bit of a glitch considering Ms. Kardashian’s current relationship and pending parenting status.
Beyond momentary interest, these celebrity doings are little more to me than a daily distraction. And daily they seem to be, which leaves me shaking my head.
Why Bethenny Touches Her Audience
But Bethenny Frankel is another matter.
Maybe it’s because she seems strong and simultaneously fragile, coming across as the tough cookie with a soft underbelly. We glimpsed her vulnerability on more than one occasion, most moving when her friendship with Jill Zarin ended badly, as her father was dying, and at the birth of her child.
Maybe Bethenny touches us because she “made good” with her business ventures. Maybe she touches us because like millions of others who came to know her on Reality TV, we were cheering her on to that most elusive win – a deeply satisfying relationship, and the precious gift of a healthy family.
Perhaps I relate to Bethenny personally because her upbringing was far from ideal. How many of us can say the same?
I relate to her because I can’t imagine she’s easy to love, and I say that with awareness that many of us are in the same boat: we’re complicated, we’re scarred, and we erect defenses we’re loathe to let down.
I don’t know Bethenny Frankel. I’m an outsider, a viewer, a member of the audience. I see what I am “allowed” to see, yet I find pieces of myself in her.
I feel for her, for her husband, and I worry for their little girl.
Sadness, When Marriage Ends
I have no idea what caused this marriage to end though I suppose I could speculate as so many have. And yes, I’ve scanned the rumors that flash across the Internet – everything from emasculating her husband because she brought in the big bucks, to affairs, and other assorted tales.
But truth? The movable truth of any marriage?
If I’ve learned nothing else a decade after divorce, it is this: There is no “single” truth in marriage. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Like others who watched Bethenny and Jason over the past several years, I “attended” their wedding, I smiled at the birth of their daughter, and I cringed through their fights and let out a sigh of relief at their making up. I viewed the televised therapy sessions with interest, trying to discern how much was scripted, all the while sensing an essence that appeared both genuine and instructive.
Surely, there are regrets over the intrusiveness of Reality TV, and allowing their lives to play out so publicly.
I was rooting for this family. I was, from the cheap seats, invested in their happiness.
Sentimental? A little sappy?
No doubt.
Life After Divorce: Rebuilding Hope
As for the future, we can well imagine that Bethenny and Jason are both resilient. Naturally, money helps, assuming they don’t engage in a blistering battle over their recent fortune. But any divorce is, for most of us, a personal and intense source of sorrow. I would hope they will keep proceedings fair and civil, protecting the best interests of their daughter, Bryn.
And yet here I sit, unable to shake the sadness, knowing that life after divorce is a difficult road back.
I wanted to believe – not in happily ever after – but in the value of commitment and doing the work. I wanted to believe in the tough cookie with the soft underbelly. I wanted to believe in Bethenny and Jason – for all of us who aren’t easy to love.
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Even Bethenny admits that she is hard to love and difficult to deal with. I’m sad for them.
Me, too, Kitch. Terribly sad.
BLW, you know I love you, but I think you’re falling into an easy trap with the notion of someone being easy to love, and IMHO, that’s exactly the trap that Bethenny fell into. Jason seemed like such a good guy, and I think he is. Mostly. Just like most of us. And yes, she’s had a complex life, but why should that make her the hard one to love? I think all of us are hard to love; some of us are just better at putting on a socially acceptable public face. Jason was really good at that, but the reason we liked Bethenny was because she was honest about who she was. Also, I think Bethenny fell into the trap of thinking that in order to be truly successful, one has to be in that type of relationship. I really think some of us are meant to be single, to fly freely, and we should be able to celebrate that, too.
You make good points, April. But honestly? I know people who really are easy to love – or certainly – much easier than some of us. That doesn’t mean we aren’t all worthy and deserving of that sort of intimacy, but without question (in my mind), some of us battle our own demons, and make it that much more challenging for those who do or would love us.
And yes, I agree. Some of us are much better off – and better selves – single. And yes, we should celebrate that, too.
Thank you – always – for your great perspective on these issues.
I don’t follow celebrity weddings, They come and go and most are not real in my mind.
I agree with you BLW – had high hopes for this marriage to work – to prove the naysayers wrong that a strong, outspoken, ambitious woman could still find the man who would support her career and be content to sit in the background a little. Who knows what went wrong – but I for one admire the fact that Bethenny always spoke up about her faults – and yet when it came to her husband – it was like he could do no wrong – that she was the difficult, overbearing, driven and hard to live with partner, so I applaud her for owning her part of the problem. Even in the media releases she has been respectful and honourable – and on her Facebook page even with some of the rude comments she still takes the high road. The show was called Bethenny …. after all – and she could have edited it any way she wanted but she always came off worse for wear.
I guess I would go back to my mother’s recipe for the best chances – to let four seasons pass before you make lifelong decisions. It takes such a long time to really know someone. Maybe I am wrong but I’m under the impression it all happened so quickly – they were still in the honeymoon phase and there was too much changing – even her staff couldn’t cope with the pressure.
Bethenny is a remarkable woman. I do hope in all of this that she can remain strong and be happy in herself, even if it means being alone. Both my daughter and I think she is wonderful – such a dynamo – I don’t want to be like her but I admire her for all she has overcome to do so well.
You described my thoughts exactly.
Hmmmm, I don’t follow her at all but just saw her on Ellen, speaking of her divorce. If there’s one truth, it’s that no one, no one, outside a marriage really knows all that goes on. I agreed with what Ellen was saying about that. I agree with Ellen’s encouragement to her as she ventures into her talk show next September to be able to talk about and thereby help women who also move through divorce. She’ll have empathy now. Hard earned empathy.
I just saw a clip from the Ellen show over at Huff Post. Made me terribly sad. I couldn’t agree with you more, Barb.
Okay, I’m feeling much better now because I do not care one bit who celebrities marry or what they wear or what they’re doing, but I felt totally upset and sad for this family. I think you make good points that maybe we just like her as a person and maybe we strivers were inspired by a woman who worked her ass off and made it big.
The best saying about marriage that I’ve heard is from a Puerto Rican friend so I’m going to assume it’s a Puerto Rican saying, “No one knows what’s in the pot except the spoon that stirs it.”
Wonderful saying, Kelly.
And you make me feel better now, too. (I wonder how many are unwilling to admit that occasionally something like this gets to us.) And yes – we “strivers” did – and do – look to her, and others, to see how they manage.
I admit, I live under a rock. I don’t know who Bethenny is, but even then, I feel her pain. As a divorcee myself, I remember the sides our friends took even though they knew nothing of what went on inside my marriage. And because it was me who broke it off, I was naturally to blame, and I became the plague.
Even though we both eventually moved on, knowing that this decision was better for the both of us, that period right after the divorce was the toughest. Years and years of tradition that we’ve built together down the tubes, and starting from scratch is never easy.
Good luck, Bethenny. Celebrity or not, pain is real, and I feel really bad for her.
I’m afraid I don’t recognise most of the names you’ve listed. I have to say I’m rather happy about that. Divorce is tough, but I’m guessing it’s generally a relief for at least one of the persons. One could look at the glass as half full… Or is that too glib? I was culling my video collection yesterday and thinking how Mel, Tom and Arnold had all disappointed me. On the other hand, if I just watch the film and not worry about their personal lives, I can still enjoy myself… Jerry McGuire still had to go in spite of Renee’s great performance.
I have two sayings I tell myself: a) just because I haven’t managed it yet, doesn’t mean it’s not possible; b) if someone else can do it there is no reason why I can’t.
I am so sad for them. This felt so personal to me as well …everything you said here resonates with me.
I know there are many who “celebrate” their freedom – or say as much – when it comes to divorce. I know there are situations in which freedom and relief from abuse, addiction, or simply profound unhappiness are part of the end of a marriage. But I think for most of us, those of us who quietly live through the dismantling of a family we put our hearts and dreams and so much sacrifice into – it’s devastating. It feels like failure. We feel like failure though we fight that feeling when we know we’ve done all we could, or all we knew to do at the time.
As far as I’m concerned, divorces, like marriages, like committed relationships, are all different. But the end of those dreams – especially when children are involved and they would be better off when both parents together – terribly, terribly sad.
Hi there,
I’ve been a huge fan of Bethenny, and this is just sad to me; I mean, she had it all! However, after watching her on The Real Housewives, something that really stood out is that she really didn’t get closure from her dad, which is something that continues to haunt her to this day. I think she’s gonna be just fine, but she’ll have to deal with her demons once and for all.
Alana