When I’m swamped with tasks and responsibilities, I’m satisfied to make it from 7 a.m to midnight in one piece, especially if the bulk of my daily checklist is addressed. Worry about my motivations, my inner voice, my inner anything?
Not so much.
As a single mom for years, that was the best I could hope for (I discovered), and eventually, I learned to be okay with that. Not thrilled, mind you. But okay.
I prefer a life of awareness – which is not the same as the cultural preoccupation with “presence.” But neither awareness nor presence is possible during the blur months (and years) that we all experience at certain times.
Still, awareness – which is defined as knowledge or consciousness – feels vital to me. Its absence feels like stagnation. Consequently, in the thick of the blur years, I was discouraged about “just getting through the day,” without recognizing there was nothing “just” about it.
In fact, getting through the day was a victory.
I allowed myself the recognition of my children’s milestones – a new skill acquired, a tricky stage navigated at last – each birthday of course. But I had more difficulty feeling good about my own accomplishments when life was a stream of items on a list, with no contemplation in the schedule. I need introspection, and a small measure of alone time to fully engage in its benefits.
I need self-awareness.
Self-Aware?
So what is the value of self-awareness anyway? How is it useful in a practical way?
This article in Your Tango caught my interest – asking the question in very pointed fashion: What is Self-Knowledge Good For?
Hitting on a few of the main points (and elaborating), self-knowledge helps us clarify:
- motivations, choices; choices we might want to cultivate
- decisions (good and bad)
- areas for improvement, progress toward goals
- areas of conflict (so we may work on them)
- information to assist in gaining perspective.
In other words, we take stock, which is helpful if we believe in gradual change or major overhaul, a.k.a. “reinvention.” Better still is that elusive perspective to cut ourselves some slack, or tighten it up – if we’ve been slacking off.
Taking Stock; Avoiding (Midlife) Crisis
Personally, I like taking stock. Perhaps I never suffered a midlife crisis because I’ve always taken stock – periodic assessments of who I was, where I was, and how I was doing as the woman I wanted to become, the professional I wanted to become, and then the wife and mother – when I stepped into those roles, and as they changed with the years.
I think of it as a performance appraisal by the self, on the self.
I used to consider the resulting shifts as “tweaking” – a word I like because it suggests tinkering, an unfinished process, and openness to change. I liken this tweaking to creating choices and generating options as a result of periodic assessment.
I find self-examination to be a hopeful exercise, and the resulting awareness, a useful mechanism for living more fully, as well as redirecting my energies if it appears that’s necessary.
Does this mean I never experienced crises of other sorts – the result of change in marital status, or losing a loved one, or financial problems? Of course not. But while these changes shake us – sometimes to the core – by looking inward, it may be easier to find the strength and flexibility to deal with them.
If You Don’t Care About You, Who Will?
Occasionally, I’m thoroughly disinterested in introspection. I’ve usually been cranking through many weeks (or months) of focus, and I crave a dose of “beautiful boredom” and its therapeutic benefits – in other words, as my kids would say, time to chillax.
When I’m in this mode, I remind myself – or my sons remind me – that I’m no good to anyone if I’m sick, distracted, or constantly cranky. My tendency to be busy beyond all reason – which I can always justify – is excessive, and even I perceive it as such. I have a moment of clarity: If I don’t treat myself reasonably, how can I expect anyone else to do so?
And I take a breath.
- Do you seek self-knowledge?
- Do you use it for positive change?
- Have you avoided a midlife crisis, or fallen into one?
- What do you do to freshen up your view of yourself and your options?
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Great article …
If we fine tune along the way there is less work to do in the long run … like a car – get regular tune-ups and you avoid the major breakdowns.
As we mature further there are quite a few issues to confront, whether it be our appearance, our aches and pains, health, eyesight, children leaving home, career changes, ageing parents etc. It’s a lot to process at ‘mid-life’ and each day being mindful and introspective is healthy … we need to reinvent because there are so many changes at this time and it can be very confronting and easy to lose sight of who we were, who we are and who we want to be.
What do I do? I try to be kinder to myself – to give myself a break about the state of the house, the way my face and body is changing, that life is getting shorter and things around me are changing every day … and instead turn every negative thought and feeling into a positive…. and therefore balance things a little so my perspective is more realistic.
Always learning, always seeing both sides … and hopefully staying centered so my body has less stress … it has a long way to take me 🙂
I agree with you, Vicki Lee, that as we mature, the issues grow – or at least, change. We may need to be more creative than we once were in addressing what life tosses our way, and those pressures you mention – health, empty nest, ageing parents and so on – those are major adjustments that require practical solutions and often, significant compromises.
I like your attentiveness to being kinder to yourself in those areas of (real) lower priority. It sounds to me like you’re very adept at what you call “centering” – and it’s a great way to put it.
(So happy to have connected with you last week via Tish! Delighted to have you here, and headed to your site now!)
I think self-awareness is important. I’m with Socrates (or whoever) about the worth of an unexamined life. It’s one of the ways I keep from lying to myself about things. I still second-guess myself, but at least I don’t lie. As to mid-life crisis, I’m not certain what one is. I’m taking on board the body changes of being 56 okay just now; one has to have a certain amount of humour about things and also to be confident enough to not need to ‘trade on’ youth or looks or whatever. Being me with my personality and my opinions seems more important to me now.
One thing I am undecided about right now is that I’m very much inclined to ditch some of the activities and commitments that grate just now – committees and volunteer work I’m not enjoying. It feels very much like the work I retired from doing, only now without the paycheck. On the other hand, I don’t want to turn into a mindless vegetable, having hidden from all the challenges I could. I’m undecided about a lot of this. One thing I do know is that there is a long list of other things I would like to do if my time and energy weren’t absorbed in the way it is now. I suspect that is giong to be the direction I will travel.
To know who you are, where you came from and where you’re going helps tremendously when we experience crisis in our lives. I can’t say I had an official “mid-life” crisis (yet). I actually like where I am in life right how, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Physically, I have about 10 more pounds to go! ;-D
First of all, Hi! (waves.) Sorry I haven’t been around much.
Second of all, You’ve written about a topic which I think about a lot. If I push and push and push, I feel good about my productivity. But if I push aside my desire for quiet, meditative activity, my productivity is all for naught. I become cranky, bitchy and usually get sick.
So, yes, three cheers for self-awareness! Even when, especially when, it means heeding what I learn when I’m aware, even if it conflicts with what I think I want.
Happy to see you, Denise (waving back)! Strange, how some of us are so wired into productivity as a measure of self-worth. But we still need the quiet. (So hard to take it for ourselves, isn’t it?)
Since reading Situations Matter, I’ve become a bigger fan of situational-awareness, and how much that impacts our decisions, our choices. We tend to think of certain traits as part of our personality, and that alone causes us to repeat behaviors unless we can see how the situation affected our reaction. It allows us to think of ourselves as more pliable. But I agree that taking the time to think about it is incredibly valuable!
Such a good point, April – the distinction between situations we are in and “self.”
I haven’t had a mid-life crisis, but I have had a feminist crisis! 🙂
With my mental illness, it is vital that I remain self-aware so I can keep my facilities in check while also taking care of my family. Introspection has helped me through some very difficult times. I think, though, that I don’t see introspection or self-awareness in the same way that pop culture does. I see them as tools to help keep me grounded in my life and in my children and to help fight off those constant desires to run away. It has also helped me see others through a different lens and really connect to the world around me.
Alas, I don’t read articles or books on how to be happy or how to be more self-aware. I focus, instead, on researching issues pertinent to me, my family, and my friends so that I am educated on what I and they are dealing with. What is that called? Other-awareness? I guess I believe in that too.
I appreciate the distinction you make between awareness and presence. Can I be a little annoyed with the idea of ‘being present’? I think I have possibly been way too present; investing myself fully into other people, and paying little attention to my own self-awareness. Seeking a little self-knowledge is something I should have done more often throughout the years. It is so easy to just let time fly by without a little self-reflection.
As a result I did have a mini mid-life crisis around the time of the empty nest. After a little self-reflection, I offer this bit of advice to anyone else who goes through the same thing: Do NOT get yourself a dog (or 2 in my case) until at least two years have passed after your children fly away.
You make some wonderful points about taking stock and how it can benefit us. Self-knowledge does give a person something to draw on when making important decisions about life’s choices, our motivations and goals, areas we need to improve, resolving conflict, and gaining perspective. It is never too late to take stock, is it? No time like the present…
I love Jesus, who said to us:
Heaven and earth will pass away.
When heaven and earth have passed away,
my word will remain.
What was your word, Jesus?
Love? Forgiveness? Affection?
All your words were one word:
Wakeup.
— Antonio Machado