“People don’t change,” he says, edging his chair closer to the table as we begin to eat.
“I disagree,” I say. “I’ve changed. You may not realize to what extent, but I have.”
He looks up to scan my face. I’m certain he’s searching my expression to see if I’m sincere.
“How have you changed?” he asks.
I hesitate for a moment as I gather my thoughts. Then I rattle off a litany of items, some of which are behavioral and others, to do with my belief systems. Even as I explain, I realize there are changes in progress, if not yet firmly established.
I include mention of ways I’m changing by knowing him. It’s a matter of positive outcomes replacing experiences of hurt. It’s also a matter of lessons learned – pacing myself in a relationship.
I add: “My fundamental nature hasn’t changed, but I might say it’s broadened to allow for a greater set of possibilities. But behaviors have changed, and perceptions as well. And I never said that all these changes were for the better.”
We sit quietly for a moment. I consider the events of the past ten years. Some within my control, and others, not. I consider what I’ve accomplished – raising my sons – and I consider specific goals I’m trying to achieve now. I’m acutely aware of how far I have to go, my tendency to set the bar too high, then push myself beyond all reason to attain my objective.
In this, I haven’t changed.
“People only change if they decide to do so,” he says.
“I agree. But change is possible. I think it’s continuous. It’s a matter of openness, and wanting it.”
I’m thinking of individuals. Apparently, he’s thinking of couples.
He shakes his head. “The worst thing a couple can do is for one to try to change the other. Not only does it never work, but it irritates the person on the receiving end. You either love someone as they are and accept them, or you shouldn’t be there trying to make them someone they’re not.”
“And the fact that life changes us? What about that?”
“Then you’d better communicate clearly as it’s going on.”
I nod, and we eat, and I wonder about his marriage. I wonder if his ex-wife was constantly nagging him to change. His easygoing manner suggests that he didn’t expect change from her; then again, I wasn’t there and I don’t know. And my own belief that we change – especially in the wake of divorce – indicates that the man across the table from me may or may not resemble the man who sat across the table from another woman, for twenty-some years.
I tell him that change is inevitable whether we address it or not. Life as it unfolds may make us braver, or send us scurrying to emotional hiding places. At least, for a time. This – trusting another enough to let him in – this is a change. A significant one. More for me I suspect, than for him.
I know myself to embrace change (in theory), to recognize its necessity (wholeheartedly), and to resist certain types of change (initially). I anticipate change, I accept change, I fear change, and sometimes I initiate it – purely for myself, convinced that change for its own sake (within reason) will shake loose new options.
But these days, change feels overwhelming. My pep talks to myself are less assured in their voice and less effective. In light of what I need to accomplish, I’m relying on persistence – and discipline – to keep me going. But the stumbling blocks are frustrating. Changing the game and changing myself are both proving to be grueling tasks.
- Do you believe that people can change?
- Do you believe that it takes traumatic or significant events to do so?
- Will some people never change, for lack of introspection or desire?
- Are you resistant to change – or fearful of it?
- Do you try to change others? Has it ever been successful?
- How do you create an environment that fosters change?
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Trying to change others NEVER works! Paradoxically, I think changing one’s own behaviors can change other people because we’re all part of a system and a dynamic and our behaviors impact others. I think I’ve changed in some regards, due to life circumstances, but in some way I’m very much the same. I think people who are not challenged much in life (meaning they’ve had a lot of luck) change less than others of us who have been challenged beyond what we could have ever expected.
It’s an interesting irony, Pauline, but I have observed it as well. Those who are lucky may in fact change less in their lifetimes than those who are challenged more, and therefore are constantly reinventing.
People change their behavior in response to aging and changes in experience/circumstances — yes. But would those responses be predictable if we had a complete understanding of the individual personality at some point in childhood — yes also. It may be that we simply did not know another person as well as we thought we did. In any case, our circumstances are so changeable that we could never adequately predict/prepare regarding all the things that life might throw at us.. Of course, things are always clearer in the retroscope.
Bottom line — I long ago dropped any notion of changing people. (I’m in education — I believe folks learn a lot from me that affects them, but that’s not the type of change we’re talking about here.) People don’t change that much, but they continue to surprise me, daily.
We don’t have a complete understanding of ourselves or anyone else, Paul. Perhaps seeds are planted in childhood that might be predictive of willingness (or susceptibility?) to change (good or bad). And yes, then there are the unknowns…
I believe people can change. From my personal observation, change (that lasts) precipitates from crisis or some earth shattering epiphany. People have to feel it in their marrow before real true change can happen.
“In their marrow.” Well said, Rudri.
I think it may be harder for men to accept change than women. Not sure why I believe that, but it seems that men have a harder time handling it when their lady changes (in appearances or mindsets) from what she was when they met. But the only thing constant in life is change. We all evolve to some extent based on our experiences. Sometimes the change is for the better…sometimes not. But I agree it’s never a good idea to go into a relationship thinking you’ll change the other person. Even if you do succeed, the result will probably be short-lived and come with many repressed resentments.
Interesting viewpoint, Lisa. I hadn’t thought about the gender divide on this one. Do you think it’s nature or nurture in your experience?
I read the article. I went through each comment. I went back and read the article again. I have just one question. Who’s the guy?
😉
I would totally agree that people can only change if they decide to, which leaves us with the question of free will. A crisis will surely help, but I also think that a healthy appetite for change, a benevolence, a sincere (and constant) desire to better oneself for the sake of others (your kids possibly? 🙂 ) as well as for your own sake might do the job, albeit more slowly maybe.
In the context of a relationship, I find the words of your man very wise : clear communication along the process is a requisite. There also has to be an anchor to help the other partner (man or woman) welcome the change though, something stable on which change and evolution can rest and from which (among other things) it can grow. Love for me.
An anchor to help the other welcome the change…
I’m letting that one settle in, Alain. I’m thinking through changes I’ve made that haven’t “stuck,” though I wanted them to. I’m thinking through the many times I’ve observed a friend attempt to change something significant in herself, only to be subtly sabotaged by a romantic partner. I’m thinking about what it takes to reinforce a child’s changes, behaviorally. I’m thinking about the significance of certain sorts of changes, how they rock our world, and how easy it is for us to topple from the disorientation of our own changing – if there isn’t acceptance and support from those closest to us.
I think you offer an extremely important point to consider, if we want any change to truly become part of who we are.
I believe people can modify behaviors, through experience, through desire, but I believe the core of the person remains the same. We can control our actions and our reactions, and with time we mellow a bit. I believe it is always a matter of choice. Which is exactly why changing someone else has such a high failure rate.
Really interesting questions here. I’m mostly in your camp. I think people can and do change all the time. The prerequisite here: they usually have to want to change. Of course there are times when life exerts its influence making us more hopeful, or pessimistic, or conservative, or aggressive because of the events and circumstances we experience. Those types of change don’t necessarily require us to want them. But other change – becoming more open-minded, assertive, yielding, compromising, empathic, self-advocating, charitable, etc – can happen so long as the person wants to make the change.
I’ve changed a great deal based on my husband’s influence. Not because he tried to change me, but because through his example I was able to see ways in which I wanted to be different. Likewise, he has changed based on my influence.
I think your friend has a point, though. We have to be very careful in how/when we go about suggesting change to another person. If it’s for their benefit alone, that’s one thing. If it’s because it’s something we want for ourselves, that can be quite problematic.
You raise a great point Gale. Even in relationships, we need to look at the “stakeholders.” We need to assess the change for its benefits to each partner, and to the couple. Sometimes, even those we love have an agenda. It may be unconscious, but it behooves us to examine any significant changes we’re considering from all angles.
As you said in response, change is inevitable.
Yesterday I finished my chapter on Eriksonian Development for my book—it was the last thing to finish!!! In many ways it is an outline of how we change.
Erikson reviews 8 stages of development through life—and his wife revised after his death to include another. In the last few days I completed stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (young adulthood) and stage 8 (with Joan Erikson’s addition): Ego-Integrity vs. Despair (old age, Erikson’s term, not mine!) and a mention of Gerotransendence—the addition. I had already completed stage 8 Generativity vs Stagnation (midlife, about leaving a legacy, giving back/paying forward) several months ago.
Intimacy is about fusion with another or others without also abandoning Self—and it may be platonic or romantic. But a person cannot give themselves to another if they have not advanced and achieved a full sense of who they are—identity. The challenge after Stage 5 (Identity vs. Role Confusion) is to risk what was just achieved-identity—through intimacy.
I am a different person with Sweetheart than I am separate—m mother has told me I’m different when he’s not present. But I have also developed and become a different person through my relationship with him than I would have become in relationship with a different person. That doesn’t mean I am so flexible in identity that I mold myself to each intimate partner; I know who I am. But each relationship influences me and I will forever be a work in progress-YAY!
Retirement compels a shift in value systems to reevaluate self-worth to find ego differentiation beyond vocation. Old age includes a greater degree of physical decline, ; there is a diminishment in healing powers as well as physical prowess. Positive development requires that a person transcend their physical limitations, balancing their losses to emphasize gains in social and mental powers. And the elderly experience death as a reality as they watch their friends, siblings, and spouse die; they know tomorrow it could be them. There is thus a shift from ego-preoccupation to ego transcendence if they are secure in the legacy they have left. The person in late old age needs to accept their legacy is sufficient even as they may continue to build it.
Daniel Levinson who wrote “The Seasons of a Man’s Life” said we go through transitions (jargon for change!) every 7-10 years. In my book I’ve likened that to punctuated equilibrium, a theory in evolutionary biology describing a pattern in the fossil record of long periods of equilibrium, punctuated by episodes of rapid development. It parallels patterns of external change in relationships as well as internal changes realizing personal growth and development, where intense periods of growth and change interrupt periods of stasis. I think that as we transition from one of Erikson’s stages to the next we are in a punctuated period and perhaps our changes are fewer or less significant during the middle of those stages.
Do you believe that it takes traumatic or significant events to do so?
Change doesn’t require a significant event, but significant events certainly compel change.
Newton’s First Law: Unless acted upon by a net external force, a body, at rest, will remain at rest and a body, in motion, will remain in motion.
Well, life is active—in motion and since we are all in motion we are bound to bump occasionally—force. Typical daily life has the small bumps and we adjust and often continue on course, significant bumps shove us off course—the twin towers, a car crash, sudden death of a sibling, friend, spouse, child, parent… and yes, divorce or even the threat of divorce.
Will some people never change, for lack of introspection or desire?
Change, as you said, is inevitable. But introspection is not. So the changes some experience will be negative changes and those may be due to a lack of introspection. Eriksonian development describes a positive and negative path for each stage—and development in each stage is based on development in preceding stages. So someone who did not develop intimacy and isolated themselves instead may be come bitter and angry, they are less likely to be generative at stage 7 and will stagnate—increasing their anger and bitterness. Increasing is change! At stage 8 they will feel despair as they review their life and fail to find purpose and they fear death as they fear they will die with their body-no legacy. Each of those negative realizations causes a reaction—a change.
Oh, I love this statement so much! This is what I tell the Standers at my forum—but you described it so beautifully. It’s not about not changing yourself either. Standing is about consistency amidst change and often the Stander becomes the axis around which their in-crisis-spouse revolves—like a compass where the middle is stationary and the pencil runs round.
How do you create an environment that fosters change?
I think you do this through acceptance. Live in the present and accept your life—without settling for those pieces you want to change that are within your control. Living is active-settling is passive.
I think change comes from both external and internal factors. However, it only occurs if the person chooses. I can think of personal changes I have made recently that would have been difficult without a supportive partner, but they occurred because of me.
My husband and I were having this discussion this morning. He recalled (out of the blue) one of our vacations together that was extremely painful and fraught with anger and upset. 10 years ago, the night before we left for Europe to be witness to our daughters’ engagement, we had a fight. The cause, not a big deal in and of itself…but it was the same fight about disagreeable behavior (his), that we had been having for 25 years. He is a human being and therefore makes his share of mistakes. I do not begrudge him that. I make more. The difference is that when he makes one, he refuses to acknowledge it, take responsibility or apologize. I begged, screamed, pleaded, reasoned, counseled him to see the light, every way I knew possible from the beginning of “us”. So all those years later this particular infraction left me unforgiving and bitter. OFF TO EUROPE FOR THE TIME OF OUR LIVES. We fought, we didn’t speak while staying in the most romantic hotel in Sevilla Spain.We faked it for our children, while shooting daggers at each other across the room.
So this morning, after he brought that up, we talked about how we have changed. He is still not big on apologies, but he is way more careful about his selfish tendencies. He thinks about my well-being as much as his own…that has not always been the case.
I am so completely in love with him after 32 years. I think it has to do with fighting the fight. I think it is a result of smoothing each others rough edges so that we fit better. Change is possible when you are motivated by those things that matter most.
There are so many lessons to take from your experience here, Kristine. Our infallibility. Our willingness to own it. What happens to the relationships with those we love when we don’t. How much we miss out on.
And the ability to stick out the bad because the good still wins out, and because we honor our histories and our commitments, and sometimes manage to change separately and together, for the better.
Thank you so much for joining the conversation.
I believe that people change. I’ve witnessed it first-hand in myself and in others. As has been noted though, it’s a function of wanting to change. I also think it’s a function of self-awareness. Good discussion and not one that hasn’t been spoken recently in my house!
Sometimes I think trying to change is like forcing yourself to relax. It doesn’t compute. That said, I’m always working on it. Now I’m reading The Power of Habit, which argues that we are trainable. But that’s habits. Fundamental change? I think it’s more like peeling layers off the onion–layers in place because we never see them. Near death experiences can help. Also falling in love.