I am not a matchmaker. That said, like most women – yes, a generalization – I enjoy introducing people to each other, if they’re so inclined.
I love seeing the bounce in a man or woman’s step, knowing it’s because they’re connecting with another person – falling for another person. It’s very sweet stuff. Sweeter still, when it’s mutual.
But using my Daily Plate as a dating site? I’m not sure how I feel about that. At least, not unless I can somehow determine if the intentions are honorable, silly as that sounds.
And a stranger – to me – wants to do just that. Use this spot – to meet and greet.
So how do I proceed? Do I say yes without another thought? Do I attempt to “vet” him in some way? Do I worry that he’s trying to use me – or worse, use you – in some self-interested scheme I can’t foresee?
Don’t we all suspect scams on the web? Don’t we imagine ourselves exploited or hurt? Isn’t it smart – and necessary – to exercise caution? Aren’t we understandably afraid of feeling foolish?
French Men, American Women
Perhaps instead of knotting my brow and popping a Tums, I should commend this man. He knows what he likes. He knows what he wants.
Perhaps I should feel tickled that a gentleman on the other side of the ocean, a Frenchman, is a fan of American women. After all, don’t I adore French men based on my personal experience? (Might I add that Jean Dujardin, recent Oscar winner for The Artist, has long held my fancy due to his sense of humor – among other assets?)
Do I take it as a compliment (or oddity) that he hopes through commenting here that he may meet someone of like mind, who might want to get to know him?
And if I could vet him – then what?
He writes in email that he’s soon to be 31, his last girlfriend was an American living in Europe, he lives in France (no, not Paris), and he prefers women from this side of the Atlantic. If American women can adore French men, why not vice versa?
What Do Men And Women Want From Each Other?
I’m always impressed when men clearly state what they want (and like) – in a woman, or about a woman. It’s putting yourself out there, and risking rejection. It’s that “let the man be the man” quality which, I recognize, is considered traditional gender fare to some.
And please note – that doesn’t preclude my feeling that women can and should initiate if that’s their preference. I’ve been on the receiving end; I’ve also done my share of approaching, though admittedly, less.
As to the Monsieur making the exploratory request, I find – or rather, found – that I was skeptical at first. Then again, I confess to my unabashed attraction to French men for so many reasons – their delight in flirtation, their sparkle in conversation, their ability to savor all things sensual – which is something we are losing in our Chase-To-The-Finish culture.
And yes, again, these are generalizations.
Move Over Patti Stanger
I don’t think it’s easy for men in the dating world. I don’t think it’s easy for women in the dating world, especially as we grow older. But all of us are too judgmental, too impatient, too demanding. I’m not convinced we even like each other anymore, though we may desire each other for sex, and need each other for much more than that.
And the man who has written to me?
- Do I allow him to post his email? To talk about himself?
- Does that leave me in any way “responsible” (or worse, liable) for anything that happens?
- Why doesn’t he use some of the online venues available?
I am not a matchmaking service. Then again, should I be?
The readership here is diverse, smart, caring, funny… you range in age from early 20s to 60s, best I can tell. Some of you are married, some widowed; many are divorced or divorcing, and some have never married. These are pieces of a puzzle I’ve assembled over nearly three years time – as I read your comments, and follow your own content.
What do you think of this Frenchman’s request?
Relationship Advice? Moi?
Of course now he has me contemplating, and why not – especially on a Friday?
I might enjoy getting to know some of you and what you want in a relationship, what you want in a partner (not quite the same), and encouraging you to express it in ways that are more natural than checklists – through conversation, through emails, through less hurried means of getting to know one another. And hey, here’s a novel concept, through honesty, which does not mean divulging too much information, way too soon.
Should I put into practice what I preach and what I’ve learned – at least for myself? That values, character, and humor must sync up? That libido must be compatible? As for chemistry, that’s the elusive element that no one can predict. The twinkle in his eye; the way she moves her hand to her lips…
And moi?
Would I make a good matchmaker, or more precisely… Introduction Facilitator? Is this my next career move – with (my signature) hot shoes and an occasional French twist?
Image of Patti Stanger, courtesy BravoTV.com. Image of Jean Dujardin, AP, Remy de la Mauvinière; Click to access Canadian source.
© D. A. Wolf
Hmmm…seems a little weird, but then again, maybe he admires the quality of women who read you regularly. I have no idea!
You and me, both, Kitch… (I’m putting him through the third degree in email!) 😉
I would vote thumbs down unless you know the people in real life; knowing somebody from their writing/online persona is not the same thing. Good matchmaking requires the social debt that the matchmaker wants to continue being friends with the individuals and vice versa; it brings a level of respect to the couple that they will treat each other extra well in accordance to their respect of their common friend. In Patti’s case, if we assume what we see approximates reality, there is an implicit and explicit code of conduct with her matchups. The personal vetting and monitoring is also part of the matchmaker ethos, friends want to see friends succeed in love.
In terms of a business opportunity, you may have a germ of an idea for a specialized dating site where you could provide articles and forums where people could communicate with the intention that they may be contacted by other users for dates. Nothing wrong with that if the intentions are clear from the outset.
I couldn’t agree more, batticus, relative to exercising every caution online. It’s very easy to create one (or more) personas. But can they be “verified?” We seem to do far too little of that, with potentially serious consequences.
Thanks for weighing in on this one! (And my tongue-in-cheek-or-chic possibility of a niche service!)
🙂
Being the recent recipient of a friend’s successful matchmaking efforts (it is weird how your articles are almost psychic sometimes!), I can attest to the fact that a good matchmaker is worth their weight in gold. It is too bad for your virtual friend that matchmaking falls apart in the virtual world.
Psychic, batticus? (Well that sounds cool… )
Honestly, the Frenchman who wants to meet an American woman may be entirely legit. There’s just no way to know – at this time. Now, as for your premise that matchmaking falls apart in the virtual world, you have me thinking. One of to the issues I always had with any online dating service is the expectations that people bring to the process. It seems to me that it is an opportunity for introductions, and cannot possibly be more than that.
Only extended periods of writing (for those of us who thrive sharing that manner), phone calls, online “visual” time and real world interaction can take a spark and let it loose, or shut any thought of it down.
But I admit, one of my loveliest romances ever was initiated (indirectly) online. Now, as to your enjoying a new relationship – that’s great news! (It does put a bounce in your step, no?)
Ms. Wolf, if you are contemplating setting up a Frenchman and an American woman, will your potential service be bilateral? Will you be offering to American males the possibility of meeting women with a certain je ne sais quoi? What kind of counseling will you be offering perspective parties on either side of the gender divide?
* At what point in a relationship (the very first date?) may I safely correct my potential future life partner by explaining that the word handcuffs is spelled with two F’s?
* If I invite a date into my home to show off my culinary skills with a home cooked meal, should I remove the frig magnet entitled, “Top Ten Domestic Uses of a Feather and a Can of Reddi-wip”?
Other commentators are wisely bringing up the question of safety when meeting a stranger and any female reader should probably consider something like pepper spray. Man, does that stuff ever sting the eyes… Wait! How do I know that?
I look forward, Ms. Wolf, to hearing about your future endeavours spelled with a you. I’m reading.
wb 🙂
Mr. Belle, I suspect you are an “agent provocateur.” Yes, do remove all frig references from the fridge. I daresay the Reddi-Whip might stay. Though low-fat Cool Whip may be the preferred option for desserts – just and otherwise – of all sorts.
Indeed, we must be wary of wolves on the web. And other unknown dangers.
I’ll take the psychological position, and the importance of encountering free of memory and desire. In that spirit I inquire, could this man be unconsciously in love with you, or with the projection of the sexy mother/all powerful Mother onto you? Does he want someone who is intoxicatingly perfect for him AND living on the other side of the Atlantic, an oceanic Great Mother in Her own right, and one that separates at the same time as it connects us all through Her wine dark sea pulsing in every calm and excited heart?
We are always meeting the Self, and thus we must individuate, become our own unique Self, in order to truly love, to love not merely our own projections but the real others we might meet when we take back our projections and see what is actually there.
Then it gets very confusing because one sees the luminous and eminently lovable spirit in everyone and every thing; then it’s quite the summer of love, but oh so hard to commit. Sometimes it pays to fasten one’s seat belt, and keep ones pants and knickers on until the turbulence passes.
I think you shall make a splendid match-maker, should you choose to accept this Mission Impossible. But I suspect that Monsieur Je Ne Say Quoi has been never none but our very own lonely, lovely, loving, longing and confused Selves. Perhaps we, as we mature, may be so fortunate as to love him and all the women he so desires, making merry mischief, carnivals, bacchanals, trysts, nuptials and fetes as we make our way violently and gently to that great party that unites us all: Love.
Comment répondre à ça ?
I think he just wants to meet girls… and / or women…
😉
Then again, who knows? And yes, love. We do all seek love… and some of us gravitate to certain sorts, “de toutes sortes.”
(Did love your interpretation, Bruce!)
I think if there is chemistry it is worth a safe and friend-supported face to face. I accompanied a friend who answered a personals ad in the paper. One thing led to another and now they have been happily married for 17 years.
I want to MATCH MAKE my gorgeous daughter. She is the perfect woman… brave, brilliant, compassionate and gorgeous. But too many losers spoiled her for now. She is back at school studying Zoology. Hard not to want her life filled with LOVE… but, I am keeping my mouth shut and so far, not found her a date.
You are a brave woman to consider matchmaking your daughter. Then again, if you two have a good relationship, why not? (My mother fixed me up once long long ago – disastrous, but hilarious!)
It’s hard to see those we love not loved in the way we would wish for them.
I agree with Bruce that you’d make a splendid matchmaker. But it would probably be better if you knew both parties. My wife and I were fixed up by a mutual friend, twenty-three years ago.
🙂 Thanks, Wolf. And cool, that you were fixed up… I still find personal connections to be a better way to meet, if possible. You dispense with the elements that dehumanize those involved.
I agree the request is a bit strange, but perhaps he finds your readership engaging and interesting (which is no surprise). Get to know him through questions and the best barometer for these situations: trust your gut.