It’s almost impossible to skim any online magazine without seeing news of the latest celebrity divorce – generally accompanied by a sheepish (or pseudo-remorseful) confession of infidelity.
Our tabloid press – and yes, blogs – can’t seem to get enough.
We consume articles on monogamy (and whether or not it’s actually achievable). We seek signs of a cheating spouse (and begin sniffing around our partners with a raised eyebrow and churning stomach). We wonder if men are programmed to hunt (and jump) more than a single sexual partner.
We wonder if we’re all programmed to desire sexual variety, with more than a single partner.
We blame breakups on philandering. We rant about affairs as though they’re the most hurtful acts in a marriage – almost to the exclusion of any other reason for divorce. But isn’t the problem something more? Isn’t it the deception? And isn’t that a matter of living with lies or more precisely, living with a liar?
Rampant Infidelity?
I’m tired of reading about infidelity as if it’s the preeminent reason for breaking up a marriage, as if it’s the only global reason we’re able to agree on – perhaps because it’s easy to grasp, because it sits at the surface and we can see the surface and we’re comfortable remaining there.
And so we trot out age differences when it’s an older woman and younger man (Demi and Ashton). We cluck our tongues, nattering that it was inevitable that he would sleep with another woman. We look at the sexual liaisons of politicos and Hollywood heart throbs and condemn abuse of power, while shaking our heads at easy access and equally, at the spouses who turn a blind eye.
Not only do we live at the surface, but we judge by the surface. We dismiss seeds that may have been sown years before marriage, including issues to do with values. So why aren’t we teaching – through media, through relationship coaches, in any way possible – that shared values are a non-negotiable in a viable relationship? Isn’t it true in friendship? Why wouldn’t it be true in marriage?
Reasons for Divorce
The most common reasons for divorce, according to most sources?
Infidelity typically takes the number one spot. And I suspect it’s a symptom more often than a cause, though we have legitimized this symptom as an acceptable and all-powerful reason for divorce.
That said, the Guardian (UK) reports that extramarital affairs have been bumped out of the top slot, as “growing apart” becomes the most common reason given for a marital meltdown.
Growing apart? Really? And how many issues might that glossy phrase cover?
Other sources around the web neatly group reasons for divorce into categories, including communication, conflict management, and sexual intimacy. Got it. We divorce because our communication sucks. We divorce because we nag or we’re passive-aggressive. We divorce because our partners want sex and we don’t, or vice versa.
Nice taxonomy (she says, sarcastically); yet, props for addressing behaviors that approach actual problems.
Closer to the Nitty Gritty
About.com gets a little more down and dirty with its reasons to divorce:
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Infidelity
- Economic / Financial Infidelity
- Drug or Alcohol Addiction
And each of the above reasons to divorce, assuming you’ve exhausted your efforts in trying to change the situation, is addressed with sufficient detail so we inch a little closer to root causes.
Moreover, each of the above involves deception; one or both spouses lying to the other, one or both spouses lying to him or herself, and one or both spouses complicit in perpetuating destructive and devastating behaviors.
But we aren’t quite there yet.
Conflicting Values
Living with lies – or with a liar – is only one example of conflicting values.
What if you’re living with someone who believes that ruthlessly maneuvering others in business is fair game, just shy of breaking the law? (“Ah,” you may say to yourself, “But everyone does it, especially in these difficult times.”)
What if you’re living with someone who believes it’s acceptable to pummel the little guy in order to get ahead? (“It’s survival of the fittest,” you’ll say; “Don’t be such an idealist.”)
What if you’re living with someone who believes it’s every man for himself, any means to an end, and ethics are for suckers? In our narcissistic society, do we even notice these people any more or are they us – all of us? And issues of character? Other dramatic conflicts in values? Do we really think they can be tolerated for a lifetime?
Sharing Values
I say: If “get the other guy before he gets you” is part of your value system as well, you’re made for each other. But better watch out. Your head (and heart) may be next on the chopping block.
If you share the belief system of your mate – however others may perceive it – then you’ve got a leg up on making your relationship work. If you feel – and act – in similar ways when it comes to respect, to honor, to community, to social responsibility and personal accountability, you’ve got a shot.
You’re more likely to communicate well because you both believe in the importance of actively communicating. You’re more likely to resolve conflict respectfully because you both believe in the validity of the other’s thinking. You’re more likely to share a satisfying sex life because you’re willing to discuss it, do something about it, and because generosity, if a shared value, works in the bedroom as well as around the kitchen table.
But if what you believe is constantly clashing with what your spouse believes – politically, morally – don’t you think that eventually that will wear on the union until there’s no union at all? Aren’t you more likely to find yourself in a relationship that is emotionally or verbally abusive – an insidious game of shame, blame, and manipulation?
Lies in Marriage
There are many reasons that people lie. They lie because they can. They lie because it may be learned behavior for getting what they want. They may grow up in an environment where that’s their means of survival – projecting a self to parents who will not accept them for who they are.
They may lie occasionally, as do we all. They may lie pathologically and exceptionally well; by the time we find out, we’re tangled in their web and wondering if we can every extricate ourselves.
Yes, I said we may all lie occasionally. We are none of us perfect. Who doesn’t omit a detail in order to sidle out of an awkward situation? Who doesn’t shave the truth in order to protect the sanctity of a friendship?
But those of us who cherish our integrity and strive to honor our obligations (including in marriage) have difficulty living with even tiny deceptions. We put on our Big Boy Pants (or Big Girl Pants) and seek perspective – trying to discern where confession is unnecessary and hurtful, and where honesty is the only path to living with ourselves, and living with those we love.
Relationship Killers
Infidelity?
I’m tired of reading about cheating spouses. I’m weary of hearing that a few minutes or hours of sexual intimacy (or release) with another somehow trumps years of responsible and loving experiences, shared in a committed relationship.
Does it damage trust if found out? Only an idiot would think otherwise.
And if not found out? For some, it’s a splinter that’s unlikely to be forgotten.
But short of falling in love with another and leading a secret life, short of serial affairs that put the other spouse’s health (or sanity) at risk, must it break the bond – irrevocably – if there isn’t a pattern of lying and deception? If there isn’t other behavior that flies in the face of the shared values, and if you can use the situation to roll up your sleeves and talk about what’s really wrong in the relationship?
Infidelity is a painful breach; I understand. But it is not necessarily the only painful breach, or one that merits a knee-jerk response of running to the nearest divorce attorney. There are many reasons for divorce, and valid reasons to divorce.
But when are we going to start addressing the core issues that undermine interpersonal relationships – and before we ever marry? Not the behaviors that obfuscate and wound. Not the tools to deal with our broken trust, after the fact.
Living with a person whose values are a deception, a shambles, a set of personal excuses and entitlements; living with a child abuser, a domestic abuser, a substance abuser, a user of other lives – these, if you ask me, deserve our greater attention and examination – as individuals and as a culture.
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I think the infidelity is actually the end result of the issue…there’s so much that has gone on between the lines beforehand, don’t you think?
I agree, Kitch.
Your section on sharing values — and lies — perfectly sums up why my marriage fell apart. We were like Rosa Parks married to Newt Gingrich. There was no way I could keep a shred of integrity and stay in the marriage and as I was increasingly being perceived as “weak” for valueing empathy I was a target for bullying. And there were so many lies I didn’t know what the truth was.
But because there were no stereotypically “obvious” deal-breakers i found that many people questioned why I chose to end the marriage. Add that to all the divorce backlash and I’ve often felt that my reasons weren’t good enough.
You’ve hit on the complex, foundational issues that erode a marriage. And yes, these are not nearly as headline-grabbing as infidelity,
You are not alone, Pauline. And part of the residual damage is the lack of support for those who find themselves shaken – and second-guessing – for so many years after.
Abuse, neglect, deception, betrayal, substance abuse/dependence, contempt, rotten communication, paranoia… a common core of disrupted attachment and the trans-generational cycle of the behavioral correlates.
If we see crappy behavior with compassionate eyes, what we might see are myriad terrified and angry/hurt babies running around in grown-up bodies.
I’m with you all the way on this, and on the general cultural cluelessness that we carry about why we’re not better related to each other and our world.
If we cared to fix this at any sort of societal level we’d be well-advised to take better care of the mommies so they could in turn take better care of the babies and staunch the tide of hurt begetting hurt.
Cultural cluelessness. Well said, Bruce.
Might I add that not telling everything in a marriage is not lying. Do I tell my husband all my erotic dreams? Of course not because there is no reason. (I know you know this, Wolf, and have written about it before. Do you have the link handy?)
Why my husband and I continue succeeding, despite everything thrown our way, is because those shared values you mentioned. Ours includes building up low-income communities, helping low-income women and children, and leaving society better off when we leave than when we were born. Does that mean we are immune from petty fights and behaviours? Hell no. But we can connect on a deeper level that goes beyond pettiness.
I agree with you: adultery is not the cause of divorce. Generally much has happened before that point to cripple a marriage. Or, perhaps, the marriage was never there to begin with (like you hit on with your post Something Like Marriage). I also love the term, “irreconcilable differences” on divorce papers. Clearly there is more depth to that statement because differences in people doesn’t cause divorces. It’s a complicated web that when viewed from the outside is impossible to untangle. That’s why marriage (or divorce) is a personal decision and when a person makes it, we should support them. They must have their reasons and we should not expect ourselves, the outsiders, to completely understand all of them.
Very thoughtful response, Amber. And you two have really been through so much, and if not for those values in sync, I can’t begin to imagine how you would have managed. (My hat is off to both of you.)
As you say, we cannot know all the complex reasons people choose to marry (sometimes, I think they don’t know). Nor can we know the reasons they choose to divorce or, ultimately, concede to divorce.
As for the “no need to tell all” post you mention (grinning)… there’s this one – “Not Talking,” and this one “Private Matters” and, as with so many things, requires that we use adult discretion and common sense.
I hope no one minds, but since my comments are often novel-length, I thought it might be better if I just broke up my responses to various items into a few posts. I’m already late to the game—we had a home inspection by the adoption social worker to prep for—and I can post what I have and respond to more later. I’m also going to attempt using the html tags for quoting…so sorry if I mess up!
Wolf, though I agree with what you are saying, the commenters brought up something that is often a misconception and your comment is still related, so I’ve bundled them. I was the betrayed and I work with the betrayed. We are extremely sensitive when it comes to being judged because one of the most common judgments about infidelity is that it is merely a symptom of a bad marriage–or something bad in the marriage.
Sometimes it is true that there is a lot that has gone on between the lines beforehand and much has happened before that point to cripple a marriage. But sometimes it is not true; often it is not true. And though I understand that sometimes comments are not meant to blame the betrayed, they are an unintentional form of blame. And some forms of that sort of comment are meant directly to blame the spouse. He wouldn’t have had to find someone else if you weren’t such a bad wife.
But we do dismiss those sown seeds too. I think it is something we all need to ask ourselves in such circumstances. We need to search our reflection for our flaws and what we need to do to change. But no matter what those flaws are, we are not responsible for the betrayal. Adultery is a poor choice and it is made by the betrayer. There are better ways to solve problems.
Yes, it’s the deception. The lies are so stupid. Sweetheart told me he was leaving for someone else. He told me I would know when he became physical with her because he would no longer be physical with me. With me listening on one end of the phone (we were in the same room) he told a good friend he was leaving me for someone else. He introduced her to his family and she announced their engagement—within a couple weeks of his moving out. So I knew.
He was a lot more honest than many and maybe even most. He told me how he felt about her. He told me how he was scared she didn’t feel the same way. He showed me teenage-sweaty-palm fears.
But then…about a month after the affair became physical he visited. I don’t recommend what I did. I recorded and then transcribed a 50 minute conversation. But I have found the transcript useful. Here’s a piece. He’d been denying his affair, we talked about babies, he asked if I was ovulating and I told him he could touch me when he was clean.
Sweetheart: I’d have to have an AIDS test first.
Me: I guess you do. And I really think you should be using stuff. We’ve got stuff in the drawers.
Sweetheart: [a muffled denial!!]
Me: I know it’s going that far. Why do you underestimate me? It’s not even funny. [He’s laughing slightly—I’m probably smiling] Well, I mean, you’ve shown me enough times. Te’Amo [our Dog] wouldn’t be playing with her dog. You wouldn’t be driving her daughter’s truck, you wouldn’t be driving her car, you wouldn’t be bringing her over all the time and having her wait in the car. You’re letting some things cloud you. It’s fine that you’re sleeping with her right now. [He looks surprised or something] Yes it bothers me—yes, it’s not really fine. It’s not allowed. But we’re not gonna get into that. That’s not important. The thing is, you just need to stop denying it; stop lying. The worst part is the lying. Okay?
He had no reason to lie and yet he did. He knew that I was going to contest a divorce—though maybe he didn’t believe me about that yet. But I was adamant that I did not want a divorce and would not consider myself divorced. I even offered him condoms! That conversation was from 2005. Fast forward. He’s moved in and out several times. I have not kicked him out, rather each time he’s about to move out, he’s escalated his taunt-n-flaunt behavior. Then he came home and stopped the taunting. He was home for 13 months. I caught him with a cell phone. During that year we’d tried counseling. We’d gone on vacation. We’d resumed sex. Things weren’t smooth, but recovery and reconciliation isn’t supposed to be easy, right?
I missed a key piece of that when I first read it. I recall thinking that I wanted to comment about how some of the value differences you mentioned could result in forms of abuse—and now after re-reading I see you included that.
You mentioned someone whose values are about pummeling others or being ruthless to get ahead. Whether the pummeling is physical or by some other means that sounds like bully behavior to me and someone who is a bully outside of the home may be more than likely to be a bully at home as well.
Political difference won’t always be differences in value. But they may, depending how important and politics are to you and how involved you are in them. I think I could live with someone whose views on abortion differ from mine. But then, they aren’t views which I make active. But I’d certainly have a problem if Sweetheart decided that he should go shoot doctors who performed abortions.
My best friend Lingy’s husband was probably seen as a bully by many. He looked the part of the tough guy and I think he may have been in a few bar fights in his younger days. But was that part of his belief system and values, or was it something that pointed to his own internal dysfunctions? Lingy wasn’t a bully. But I think she felt safe and protected with him. So at what point do we label a negative behavior a value versus labeling it an indicator of a person’s personal issues and fears like inferiority and low self-esteem? Lingy saw through his tough guy façade and knew more about the core person within.
I loved your point about values needing to be congruent and deceiving a partner about values. But I don’t think it is always so simple. Are our behaviors rooted in our values, our complexes, a combination of both or something else?
So much to process in what you have shared, RollerCoasterRider. But let me reiterate something you just said: Not so simple.
I don’t think any of this is simple. Not what it takes for a marriage to thrive (or your definition of what that means). Not what it takes for a marriage to endure (and we could debate the pros and cons of the importance of duration, if it is not serving the many anything-but-simple needs and expectations of both parties – though some might say either party). And there is surely nothing simple in the scenarios that lead up to a couple considering uncoupling.
Perhaps that is why I write of this (utterly unsimple) subject matter so often. If not only for myself, to process and continue questioning, so that we might all process and question – and realize that we shouldn’t judge what others choose, though we can certainly learn from it.
Yay!
I so love it when someone validates this for me. And this points back to what you were saying earlier (and to what Kitchenwitch and Amber said) about infidelity being a symptom. But here you said it subtly because infidelity may very well be a symptom of something gone awry, but the thing is it may not necessarily be a symptom of something awry in the marriage. It is sometimes an individual’s negative and poor manner of handling something that is about them, their issues, their fears… Is something wrong in the relationship? Yeah, now there is. But sometimes infidelity is the cause of the relationship problems. Not always, just sometimes. I’m not saying the relationship was without flaws, but infidelity happens in solid marriages too and sadly it can destroy those good marriages just as it can help destroy the already fragile marriages.
Exactly, RollerCoaster. My writing was likely insufficient in this area. It is not necessarily that there is something wrong with the couple or in the couple; I certainly believe (and have seen / experienced) that one individual may be going through something and by the time it is shared, the distance, the destructive behaviors – all have progressed. (We might generically put the “midlife crisis” issues into this category, though I’m not looking to categorize particularly. On the contrary.)
Amber
Personally I hate that term and find it a convenient excuse when the person wanting out cannot verbalize an explanation. Sweetheart had no real grounds to divorce me, so all that was available to him was irreconcilable differences. I contested those grounds, but what I learned is that objecting to a spouse’s request for divorce is itself an irreconcilable difference that would justify the divorce. The entire system was working against me. Within the system I had no power. And many think that is probably fine because they will assume there were opportunities before it became too late. But that was the problem; there was no space between good and too late, at least not space in which not good was communicated to me.
There can be a refusal to reconcile differences, but that does not mean the differences are irreconcilable, maybe that should be the grounds. Refusal to Reconcile Differences. And some differences should be irreconcilable. There are differences that will not be reconciled in every marriage. So as a reason for divorce the term can be applied to almost anything: I’m female and he’s male, I think purple is the greatest color in the world, he only likes it; he doesn’t like steak and I think it’s okay, but can go years without it. A difference or disagreement is not evidence a relationship is beyond the possibility of reconciliation. I have proven that differences are reconcilable and if it was possible for my marriage, it may be for many more.
Amber
I agree. There are valid reasons for divorcing and I don’t know what’s gone on behind the closed doors. So what do we support? Though I did not want Sweetheart’s family to support his actions, I very much wanted them to support him—the person. I spoke with a good friend of his about being there for him. I knew he’d call her for emotional support and I explained what he would do, what he would need and what he would want. She was shocked at my accuracy. I asked her to just be his friend. If she couldn’t resist the urge to say something about his infidelity…okay, but please try to simply love him. So when I think of supporting someone, that’s what I think of.
The problem I see is that those who give significant consideration to whether they should divorce put effort into improving their relationship, they go to counseling—even if they go alone—and they work on their own flaws in the relationship with divorce as something they are trying to prevent… Those people are not all people, but many of those people assume the other people do that same due-diligence. And some who think they are doing all that really aren’t.
Sweetheart left me with little thought. He left with a lot of turmoil, but no effort was given to working on our marriage. And I see that happening all the time. Yes, I’m biased because my website is geared toward the sudden abandonment niche, but my point is that it happens. Not everyone seeking a divorce thinks about the ripple effect it will have on everyone else, many don’t even care. All Sweetheart cared about was starting his affair; it was all-consuming and so it consumed any desire he could have had to work on our marriage.
What interests me more than what goes wrong is what goes right. Shared values, yes. A kind of ruthless mindfulness with oneself. And a genuine fondness for the opposite sex with all their foibles. It’s plain you excel at the last two, Wolf.
What a lovely thing to say, Wolf. Thank you.
I was married 13 years, and near the end of the relationship I had two affairs. This detail became the topic of endless gossip amongst our mutual friends, as if I was the sole cause of the breakup. Although I am not proud of what I did, it was a response to a decade of living with a compulsive liar and how dishonesty broke down the trust and ultimately the intimacy of our marriage.
More often than not women are the scapegoats of a divorce. There is always more to the story than what one sees.
There is indeed always more to the story. Thank you for sharing your experience, Shesthebadgirl.
In most of the cases, divorce takes place because of less trust. You must have faith and trust in your partner.
I’ve been married to my wife for 32 of our 35 years together. I’ve just filed our divorce after so many years of her lying. I can’t do it anymore, and was starting to feel crazy. She lies and is incapable of admitting to any wrong doing. Now she is giving me an attitude as though I were the lying one. More game coming out of her. And by the way, she still sleeps mostly naked and has sex with me. Anyway, I’m laughing on the inside out of relief.
Can I comment here?
You can comment here if you have something to say on the subject… ?