Should you keep old love letters that were written by someone other than your spouse?
This story about the 99-year old man divorcing his wife of 77 years over an affair in the 1940s does seem like an opportunity for jokes. But considering the (possible) circumstances involved, who are we to judge?
Some have suggested that the man may have wanted to exit his marriage, and discovery of the 60-year old affair gave him the perfect “out.” One could also look at his age and say he’s lost a bit of perspective, and a calmer (younger?) head would have otherwise prevailed.
But apparently, he discovered letters.
What sort of letters might they be? How might that hurt? What does that change?
Let’s hypothesize for a few minutes, shall we?
Perhaps this wronged spouse came across communications from as recently as 10 or 20 years ago, in which his wife was writing about the relationship. Perhaps he laid his hands on actual love letters exchanged between his wife and her extramarital partner, dating to the 1940s – or possibly after.
If she kept letters for more than half a lifetime, does that mean the man remains close to her heart? Can we blame her spouse for being hurt, not to mention surprised?
Old Loves, Accepting a Loved One’s Past
Have you loved one and only one person in your life? And even if you haven’t, if your spouse is older or previously married, isn’t it logical that he or she has loved before?
If you’ve been in love, even as a teenager, have you kept the letters you received, not to mention photographs or little gifts that celebrated your relationship? Don’t many of us hold old flames dear in our memories, whether the romance was fleeting or lasted for years?
Don’t we all have a right to honor our past, including others we may have loved at a younger age or different stage?
Must we destroy all traces of another time, simply because we marry – or for that matter, must we destroy traces from happier times if we divorce?
Love Letters to Treasure
Rare is the man in my life who has penned me a romantic letter. And when it has in fact occurred, I have kept those few precious missives and treasured them. If it was someone I loved and who loved me.
Tucked away in a drawer are just a few letters from two different men. And keep in mind that if you take a walk down the aisle at 30-something (as in my case), it’s likely that you have been in a relationship or two prior to your spouse. And with a marriage dissolved at 40-something, I may not have plunged back into a social life as in my twenties, but do you really think I retreated to the nunnery?
Personally, I believe that “love” is too often a four-letter word – pronounced carelessly, used as an excuse, and in committed romantic relationships, accorded far too much prominence.
In the case of the 99-year old man versus his 96-year old wife, isn’t a lifetime of commitment a demonstration of her fidelity to their union? Hasn’t she more than honored her vows, despite the affair in the 1940s? Do we assume that he hasn’t slipped, himself, in 77 years?
Do You Know Your “Number?”
I don’t believe in telling all or sharing all. Not only is it utterly lacking in mystery, it’s simply unnecessary. And certainly, the older I get the less relevant my “number” is – remember that Sex and the City episode? – and likewise, the less relevant the adventures I may have enjoyed 30 years ago, and while single, I might add.
Somewhere, I’m sure I have a snapshot or two of the gentlemen in question – one man from my thirties and the other from my forties. I have no intention of destroying those mementos, any more than I would share the details of those relationships other than to characterize them as good (and why), how I learned from them and how they ended, and that – if asked.
As for any serious relationship with a gentleman in my age range, naturally I would assume (and ascertain) that he has loved before, that he would have a past life (or several), and that if he’s fortunate, he has good memories and quite possibly letters or picture to mark those times.
His number? I wouldn’t ask.
Lab tests and results to ensure safety?
A different matter entirely.
Old Flames, Sweet Memories
Frankly, until I was searching for some papers recently, I completely forgot I had the old letters that I mention here. They were a delightful find, and reading them years later – in one case some 25 years later, was particularly poignant, as the very special man in question has since passed away.
I’m glad that I kept these letters, and that after marriage, divorce, and many years of midlife dating, I can look back and recall these tender and romantic times in my life.
What about you?
- Do you keep love letters or throw them out?
- Do you believe that once you marry, you must destroy all traces of your previous love life?
- Have you shared your “number” with your partner or spouse, or is it none of their business?
- If you discovered love letters from a partner’s former romantic interest, would you be hurt?
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When I purge I get rid of old letters and journals after reading them. If I died suddenly I don’t want them around for others to read. I had my kids go through everything I had from their dad when we were married. They could keep what they want and we threw away the rest. It is their life too just not something I need in mine anymore so if they want something they took it.
It’s an interesting approach, Madge. I wonder how many others do that? (I suspect we may find two schools of thought here. The “purge” school and the “tuck away” school.)
You make an excellent point about what children might find, and how they would react. (I have nothing I think would be offensive.) I know that after my mother’s death several years ago, a few letters that I found clarified a certain period of time, and they were not (to me) offensive. And then there were the love letters exchanged between my grandparents during WWII. Quite beautiful.
I for one also kept love letters/letters card from my husband. Since we were miles and ocean apart, our means of communication is thru letters. He even numbered our letters/envelopes so we’ll know if we missed one. When I came to join him, I took my letters with me. I put them in my luggage. Even the envelopes were compiled. He asked me how come I brought those. I said those were my treasures. The cards we sent to each other were in a scrap book. I plan to book bind the letters & think of a title to name it. We’ve been writing letters for seven years (since we were a partner).
Incidentally, as my children were still young children when I divorced, they weren’t at a stage to take photographs or other things from the marriage. I would have liked to purge certain things (and did), but I didn’t do as others suggested when it came to destroying photographs or other objects even if they were painful for me to have around. I packed them away. Like you, I believe that those times and memories are part of my children’s lives and as such, should be honored. They have a right to them, if and when they wish to take them when they’re adults.
This topic has haunted me for years, ever since my now ex-husband sat home one afternoon and read my diaries from age 14 – when I met him, all in one sitting. He didn’t speak to me for days because I had been with other men before I met him. We got past it, but ultimately he used it as an excuse to cheat on me. I can proudly say I was faithful to him our entire marriage, and I always told him every prior romance brought me to him.
That said, I remember the scenes in “Bridges of Madison County” where her grown children, after her death, are so appalled by their mother’s confession. If my kids get hold of said same diaries, and all the things I’ve written since, including fiction, what will the damage be? How will their memory of me be affected?
And yet if I burn it all, do I dishonor myself? Who I was, what made me who I am, and who I want to be? It’s like what Isak Dinesen said: “If I know a song of Africa… does Africa know a song of me?” Does some part of me cease to exist if my words are gone up in smoke?
Overly dramatic, perhaps, but it haunts me.
Oh, Madelia. This is terribly sad and also seems so unfair – to you. If we didn’t stigmatize sexuality to such an extent in this culture, I can’t help but believe that we wouldn’t take offense at the tangible traces of the fact that we are sexual creatures – and human beings express love (among other things) through that sexuality.
It is disheartening to say the least that your husband read your private diaries and then used experiences you wrote about before being involved with him in a way that hurt you. It seems very dishonorable of him, if I may be so bold as to say so.
I do remember that scene in “Bridges of Madison County” and I thought it was absurd. Very American perhaps, but absurd nonetheless. We are all human and grow into who we are in a constant state of trying things out and learning from them. Some of our choices end up being mistakes. Some enrich us, though others may not realize how. If we ceased judging every aspect of others’ lives (and ceased judging ourselves so harshly?), perhaps we could accept that our experiences make us who we are, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of them. Especially experiences of loving.
For me – and only for me – to destroy words of love by someone I loved, would indeed dishonor that memory. And anyone else I would love needs to understand as much.
Not that I’m the perfect example, but when I was married, I still had love letters from old flames, and my spouse didn’t mind. The letters weren’t just a reflection of the old relationship, but of who I was at the time, and he understood that. I think if there’s confidence and trust in the relationship, it shouldn’t be an issue.
It seems to me that this is a very healthy way to view this issue, April. And likely a good model for your daughters as well. Confidence and trust in the relationship – yes – that’s key to this not undermining the relationship.
I moved last August and stumbled across a box that I don’t think had been opened since just before I got engaged in ’95. The contents included all sorts of odds and ends from my life in high school and college.
It included a very ‘descriptive’ letter from a girlfriend about a gift she wanted to give me. My seven-year-old daughter almost got a hold of that letter and that would have created a few issues that I’d rather not deal with.
A good reason to put things in special places where curious little fingers do not wander? 😉 And I’m thinking you kept it as a delightful writing sample. Writers are reluctant to part with good words, no?
The only “love letters” I have are from my husband from when we were in college. If something were to happen and I found myself remarried, I would certainly NOT destroy them. It was part of my life prior to the present relationship and some things should simply be kept private. But, the letters/photos would be tucked away so not to undermine the current marriage. And anyway, if a woman doesn’t have a few little secrets, where’s the mystery when she smiles? 😉
I couldn’t agree with you more, Lisa! (It’s a Mona “Lisa” smile, after all!)
TOSS. How would you like to find your partner’s old letters from an ex when they are gone? It would hurt. Live in the present.
Thanks for the perspective, Flamingo Dancer. We’re all so different, aren’t we? (I’ve seen letters and pictures of “those who came before me,” but it doesn’t bother me. Go figure…) 🙂
Years ago, girlfriend #2 (okay, #8 or #23, I forget) discovered I still had a photo of girlfriend #1. She insisted I destroy the picture. After all, I was with #2 and no longer had any feelings for #1. Right? Right!?!
Years later, after #2 is long gone, I run into #1 and we have a coffee and reminisce. Guess what? I no longer had the picture. I would have loved to have had it; it would have been both funny and nostalgic. But because #2 had a moment of doubt about “us”, I end up losing a part of my past.
Jealous? Get serious. Are we so personally insecure that we can’t handle that our current flame has had a past? Come on, we have to be made of tougher stuff than that. I think I’m man enough to accept that my partner has had a life. In fact, those experiences are what has made her the woman she is today and guess who’s benefiting from that? Plus, I do not subscribe to the double standard that I can have a history but she can’t. After all, my history has made me who I am today and guess who’s benefiting from that?
In Sex in the Digital Age, I jokingly said, Once the dating starts, 72 percent of women admitted in the survey to looking through a current partner’s ex-girlfriends’ Facebook pages. What? Men have a list of ex-girlfriends? Now there’s a recipe for disaster. Never admit to anything. The current one is the only one and any previous ones were just insignificant lead-ups to the right one, that is, the current one. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
However in trying to funny, I uncovered some unwritten rule, a traditional expectation we all seem to have about our relations. I’m the one and there is nobody else. Listen, there are ex-boyfriends, maybe an ex-husband or two with possibly children, other jobs, other lives. I am not the only one. I know it. I admit it. I accept it. Anything else would be stupid, naive and your typical macho male. However I’m here right now. I’m alive; I’m real; I’m not a memory but flesh and blood. That gives me a big leg-up on anybody else you have ever known. Ha! I may not be the only one, but right now, right here, I’m number one with a bullet. I’m the one holding your chair, listening to your every word and looking longingly into your eyes.
A guy leaves his wife after 77 years of marriage because of an affair that happened in the 1940s? *slaps forehead* Oh brother!
wb 🙂 Dec 31: Let’s party like it’s, ah, 2011!
P.S. – Some day, the kids are going to come to the realisation that Mom and Dad are human beings with their own lives and their own dreams, hopes and aspirations. I’m not saying I’m leaving scandalous materials around for them to find but someday they’re going to find out I’m just a guy, a guy like any other guy who tried to do his best and was far from perfect. I hope they’ll understand. No, I’m sure they will. After all, they’re smart kids.
Ah, Mr. Belle, the male perspective is always welcome, and you are ever the voice of reason and logic. (Or do I simply think so because I agree with you?)
A very happy New Year’s to you!
Well, my number before Sweetheart is Zero, so nothing to hide on my side of it.
As a guilty Catholic, his number before me was quite low. He’s 7 years older, but was still a virgin at 20 or 21.
He had one serious relationship before me–they were engaged. Letters? I don’t know. I can imagine me reading them though. I’m so terrible–as a writer I think I’d be looking for poor grammar and at the linguistic style and I’d edit them in my head and feel so much better because I would think that I would have written something better. As a relationship coach I’d read between the lines and analyze for immaturity and instability. Wow, and usually my focus is toward the positive!
But I do have a stack of letters the alienator wrote to Sweetheart at the beginning of the affair. I’ve got them, so it’s not like Sweetheart is hiding them. I keep them because they are a great teaching tool to show the mind of a mate predator. He sort of knows I have them. I told him, but I don’t think he remembers.
Soul Mates
The term mate implies mating. But I think that there are other types of soul pairings. I think of two. One was my childhood best friend–Jenny. Every little girl my age probably was a Jenny/Jennifer or had a best friend named Jenny/Jennifer. In the 5th grade she “broke up” with me officially. She said she hated me and told me to “Go Suck an egg” Like with Sweetheart, I refused to stop being her friend. We only sort of made up, but she stopped hating me. I wrote poetry about friendhsip through junior high and she was the focus.
I last saw her the weekend of Thanksgiving 2003. I visited her in the hospital. She died Thanksgiving 2004–Cancer. Her break–up letter fell in the toilet and I was distraught. But I have one treasured letter she sent early in 2004. She’d beat the Cancer about 10 years before and this time I think we all knew it would be terminal.
And then there is Lingy. We met online in a support group. Her son is a couple years older than me–so she’s not exactly in my peer group. But I know–perhaps more than with anyone I’ve met–that she is a part of my soul family. Though over 20 years my senior she was the little sister in our relationship–my Mom who overheard some of our phone conversations when I was staying home to help care for Gram and she agreed–she said it was obvious. I don’t know what it was about her, she’s probably a lot like many other people. But you know how people say they’ve never met anyone like someone and they have this connection? That’s it. There was some connection that was beyond either us or beyond this particular incarnation.
I only knew Lingy for four years–she died a few days before Christmas 2 years ago. I have a treasured Christmas letter she sent one year. It hangs on my refrigerator. In it she tells me how special I am to her; I cried when I received it and I cried again now when I just went to re-read it. I know that our connection goes beyond having met in a support group. That was just the synchronicity that brought us together–this time.
So “love” letters may not be from romantic relationships.
Oh, RollerCoasterRider – I love this idea of “soul family” that you describe. I’m not convinced there is such a thing as a soul mate, but I certainly believe that there are those who touch us for periods of time and change us irrevocably – for the better. And likewise, we do the same for them.
Yes, love letters may be exchanged between those who touch each other in ways other than romantic. And how tragic it would be to lose these precious words and memories.
I have love letters from young men prior to my first marriage. I have my wedding photos from both previous marriages. I have kept them because they are about me, not because of the men involved. I can see a day when I need to part with ‘things’ to save people I love the burden of sifting through it all. I don’t see anyone being hurt by the letters or photos because it’s nothing to do with them or the time that they’ve known me.
Yes; No; Yes; No.
Funny, I went to the attic yesterday and culled a few extreme items from my past (mostly to protect others). But I still have enough to scandalize/interest/amuse/amaze my children, that were part of my growth experience at one time. The attic is a jumble now – I’ll cull significantly when we downsize. At this point in life, for Fran and me it’s like “so what.”
We’re back from visiting my 101-year-old Mom in New England. So what’s to worry?
Oh Paul, you make me laugh! 🙂
“Have you shared your “number” with your partner or spouse, or is it none of their business?”
I noted “yes” in response to this, while my best friend (a psychiatrist) says one should not discuss such things because jealousies and insecurities would be inevitable. Jerry’s good, but I joke that I always do the opposite of what he suggests. However, things may not be as simple as this question presupposes.
In response to this question, a lady friend once named the men she had loved in her life. I said our numbers (at the time) were comparable. What? She had not kept count of the men she had slept with, these were the men she had “loved” and that was what she counted.
For either Fran or me, you don’t need all your fingers to count our partners. But she is insistent that numbers per se are quite irrelevant and therefore sees no point in taking count. Did it have any meaning, then or now? Is there revirgination? Maybe. Or maybe simply, who cares?
I have a good friend who married a woman in her 40’s. Her first marriage. He says he has no idea if she ever had sex before they met.
I think the “count” is seen as more important by males with young wives and also by older married women (in both cases, the parties who might be considered most at risk re infidelity).
p.s. I got a number or estimate from all partners. What was more interesting was the discussion that this question generated, seeing that the number itself is not the real issue anyhow.
p.p.s. Will be in contact with all (living) past partners this season, either by card or otherwise. Friends for life.
Today we went to a party on the other side of town. The place was up the street from my wife’s ex-boyfriend’s place. (He’s since moved away.) Before we went in to the party, she took a walk to inspect the old haunting ground, while my son and I waited. When she came back, my son (nine) said, “Did you want to marry him?” She said, “He wasn’t the marrying kind.” I said: “And then mommy met me, just in time.” (Sort of true.) We had a great time at the party.
Back to your blog after a few days of first end of the year vacations with my kids as a newly divorced dad. Still unpacking and stumbled on a few letters from my ex-wife. I have kept and shall keep them, not only as a reminder of a past I’m grateful for, but also because It’s something that concerns our kids as well, and I’m sure they will be happy to decide for themselves if it’s of any interest to them when the time comes. Writing love letters can be emotionally draining, as I’ve discovered recently after writing one. Its nice to think that they can be kept as a souvenir and still bring a smile to the person they were intended for, years after they have been penned.
As for numbers? They don’t bother me. Enjoy the here and now and the privilege of holding your beloved’s hand, no?
Nice to have you stop by, Alain. I hope it was a good vacation with your children. (Love letters do represent hard work and a piece of self. They’re something of a gift to another, no matter how they’re received, aren’t they? Perhaps we should treat them that way when we have some in our possession.)
And I agree – we should try to savor the here and now, even the ordinary here and now. We rush through so much, and tend to focus on the flaws rather than what is good.
Wishing you a bonne année 2012.
Et une très bonne année à vous BLW! Elle s’annonce sous les meilleures auspices apparemment. Vous me compterez désormais parmi vos fidèles, mais moins silencieux qu’auparavant 🙂
Here and now, alive and breathing.
So I’ve had something on my mind and I’d really like to get a different perspective on the matter. Recently I had found an open love letter my partner is getting in the mail from an old friend. He talked about great times they had together in the past and is talking about how much he loves her, and wishes to see her soon when he gets out of jail. Now I never seen her letters to him, but it seems heart wrenching to feel when your girlfriend is still accepting these from him. I’ve never had any reasons to mistrust her and I know she’s not a cheater, but I have these insecurities that she might pick him over me (recent insecurity I received from my past relationship). When I approached her about the letter I saw, I asked. “what does he send to you?” She mentioned just general things about old times, and drawings he sends her. When I mentioned what kind of drawings she showed me one that was innocent enough, but when I asked if there was others she denied it. But the thing is, the letter I saw basically confessed his love to her, even through “love struck” sketches. So I confronted her and she denied her ever liking him, that they are just friends, but why ignore his phone calls when I am around and keep his letters with you? It just doesn’t seem right and I don’t know the best way to accept this or even approach the matter. Can anyone with relationship experience help me out? I would really like a second opinion.
I burned most of mine the other day and I do not regret it. I kept a few from each relationship I had and some of my favorite photos of us. I did this because for ten years I never looked at any of that stuff and to me it was a reminder of failed relationships. I always worried someone would find them one day and then my personal memories with that person would be exposed to someone else. I like our memories to remain “our” memories. I definitely learned lessons from each experience but that was now part of who I was and I could pinpoint where it came from without a letter or picture. We each have memories with a person that no one else has and that’s special. I kept a few just as proof of my past love experiences and because that person was very important to me at that specific time. As I said above those letters reminded me of a love failed and I think that kept me from opening up to new people. Now that most of them are gone I feel relieved and I do not think my next love will fail.
I have quite a few letters and things from high school and some college. Not only do I have relationship history but also general events during that transitory time. I keep the stuff because my memory is bad and seeing things from the past jog the memory and with it comes sweet nostalgia. It all depends on what emotions you get from these things. I feel happy about being reminded what happened along my life’s journey. Digitizing it soon.