I’ve been rethinking the issue of love – the need for it, the pursuit of it, the glorification of it – and whether or not we ought to have more synonyms for the word, or use different words altogether.
We spill the word “love” at the drop of a hat, or so it seems. And isn’t love a precarious term to use aloud, given the imprecise nature of the word? Its many interpretations?
When it comes to romantic love, is the distinction between “loving” and “in love” sufficient – or cause for more confusion?
Don’t we have enough confusion around relationships already? Once we introduce the word “love” into the mix, isn’t everything more complicated?
In a recent musing, The Cougel Chronicles addresses the question of love and why we need it. I find myself contemplating why some seem to need love more than others – the illusion of it at the very least.
Some of us create love (the result of great sex?) where it doesn’t necessarily exist. In my experience, women especially, convince themselves they’re in love – sometimes in a matter of days.
Marriage: Business As Usual?
The marriage industry is booming, as the wedding market was estimated in 2006 at $58.5 billion, with some estimates reaching $139.8 billion.
Might the size of this industry be a contributor to our focus on weddings rather than marriage itself? And yet, don’t we wish to believe that marriage is based on that four letter word – love – and as something all powerful? This, despite the statistics that tell us one out of every two marriages will end in divorce, as we choose to believe we’ll beat the odds, and find our own version of Happily Ever After.
We rush to the movies (or browse Netflix), eagerly consuming the next romantic tale. Millions of us continue to renew memberships on sites designed – in theory – to assist us in our search for love. But are we searching for the right thing? Are our expectations skewed by the fluidity of the word itself?
Name That Tune (… Love?)
I have fallen in love. I have spoken words of love. I have silenced words of love.
Love is a term I use often with my children, but otherwise, I use it sparingly. And when I do use the word, I mean it.
Like most adults, I know what it is to suffer for love, and suffer from love. But I also know what it is to break things down into finer detail – we suffer from disappointment, from shattered illusions, from our own foolishness.
Having been on the receiving end of “I love you but I”m not in love with you” or “I love you as a friend,” I have also used those same lines, when I’ve attempted to let a man down gently. Like most women – and men – I know there is an inexplicable “something” that pushes us over the edge (of reason?) into a kind of romantic haze (or folly?) that can be passionate, explosive, soothing, inspiring – or the source of untold ridiculous acts.
Love, Defined
According to Merriam Webster, love is defined as (paraphrased):
strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; tenderness, admiration, warm attachment, devotion; the object of attachment, a beloved person
So how can strong affection, admiration, or devotion develop without time? Without truly knowing another person – his or her stories, feelings, beliefs? Where he comes from, how he or she deals with other family members or co-workers? When we fall into the habit of “love you!” – are any of the elements above actually present – or are we expressing an easy, superficial affection, or responding to expectation – without genuine qualities of significant attachment?
Are we back to clarifying “in love” versus “love?”
And by that, do we circle the items that generate butterflies in the stomach – package those up as “in love” – ignoring elements like admiration and devotion?
Relationship Building Blocks
And abiding passion? Trust? Respect? Delight?
Each of these involves nuance; we tend to recognize them when we experience them, but we plunge headlong into a single phrase – I love you – not necessarily pinning it down to the whats, the whys, or the wherefores, much less what we really feel.
And maybe we should.
I’m hungry for you. I desire you. I long for your body, your lips, your laughter, your scent.
Those words would fit scenarios I’ve lived, well aware that long-term stability was out of the question, and marriage – not even a consideration. Still, there was delight, relish, mischief-making, intrigue, ardor.
But devotion? Doesn’t that indicate something more? Something deeper?
Sexless Marriage
A recent Huffington Post piece suggests that “none-ogamy” may be grounds for terminating a marriage, citing a widely quoted 2009 article in the New York Times which offers data on sexless marriages and divorce filings.
Who doesn’t realize that sex nourishes intimacy, but doesn’t replace it? That there are many reasons for the sexless marriage – not the least of which is the “workhorse wife” as is mentioned in the “none-ogamy” article?
But does sex nourish intimacy, or is it lovemaking? Is it any kind of sex for a man, and only lovemaking for a woman? Are those myths based on gender bias, though we recognize there are differences between sex and lovemaking – and to some they matter enormously?
Who doesn’t realize that sex (and lovemaking) dwindle in marriage – perhaps more quickly when children are involved, and even more so, if medical conditions intervene? How many sexless marriages – however you may define them – are nonetheless sustained – for any number of reasons, including commitment, familiarity, companionship, family, common values, respect – not to mention – love?
Are they as fulfilling as unions that are consummated on a regular basis – to the satisfaction of both parties involved? I have my doubts, but I also know they’re common, they’re survivable, and they don’t preclude the existence of love, though we can be certain they weaken it considerably.
Four Letter Words, And Then Some
Should “love” be considered a four-letter word – something to be avoided, or at the very least, used judiciously?
We all need affection, a sense of belonging, physical touch, emotional reassurance. Some consider one or more of those feelings to be love – when it may be anything but. It could be kindness, emotional need on the other side, sexual need in the other.
In a culture with a propensity for labeling, we may grab on to anything resembling love and hang on for the ride – pursuing its high and seeking to perpetuate it even if we see and feel interactions with the other person that flash warning lights. We come to justify almost anything – including destructive relationships, marrying when we know it doesn’t feel right, and we pave the way for our own mistakes.
Relationship Realities?
Some of us might be less likely to tie ourselves up in (nuptial) knots if we stopped to think about what we really need in a relationship, and whether that one little word – love – is truly at play. And if it is? If enough of the elements of love are present, do they justify marriage? Is lack of love enough to justify breaking up?
Maybe we all need to look more carefully – hopefully in sync with the ones we allow ourselves to “love,” that we choose “to love” – and more importantly – to respect, to befriend, to engage with, to value, to open up to, to support, to feel ardently about, to desire, to cherish, to trust.
And a touch of devotion wouldn’t be such a bad thing either. To me, that’s about commitment, the test of time, and the sort of love I’d like to “fall into” – eyes wide open.
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Sometimes I worry that I employ the L-word too easily. I say it with conviction many times a day to my husband and my kids, but I also use it much more loosely (e.g. “I love this post!”) and wonder if I’m cheapening the meaning by using it to mean too many different things. Then again, I suppose there could be worse things than doling out affection profligately.
I do love your writing, though. And there’s nothing profligate about that usage of the L-word. xo
Oh Kristen, you do make me smile… 🙂
There are so many ways of loving, some healthy, some not. Love can be glorious, horrible, comfortable, trying, devastating, so many things. Love is a necessary part of our life, but is hard to define, hard to recognize – to tell the imagined, longed-for from the real – but liking is also very necessary. Perhaps moreso. We demand so much of a relationship: like, love, passion, comfort, security. No wonder it’s not easy.
Quite a mouthful, Carol. No, not easy.
Maybe if we chose our words more carefully? If our expectations weren’t to find so many qualities in one person – and for that to “fill us up” rather than filling ourselves up, and expanding our universe a bit, besides?
So many ways these words can be used.
I LOVE YOU 1st. We’re excepting/accepting the use of it in family. Good. I make a point of saying “I love you” often to Fran (and we still kiss at the door and wave when one of us drives off), and my son has made me more comfortable with this among family, along with hugs (New Englanders didn’t do too much of that when I was a kid).
I LOVE YOU 2nd. When in the throes of passion can be very nice. My view is that, when making love, you can do anything that doesn’t truly degrade the other or send somebody to the ER. No need to hold anything back. Fact is, you’re really saying “I LOVE THIS” or “I LOVE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.” Okay, we all know about that as adults, but my former wife got me on the hook for that one.
I LOVE YOU 3rd. When said in the cold light of day, in thoughtful conversation. THAT’S ANOTHER STORY. SERIOUS. STOP AND LISTEN.
When do you NOT say “I LOVE YOU” to a person you love? I’ve been there, done that (or, not done it) and very complex and still not sure what was the right thing.
The SEX issue. Don’t feel a need to justify sex by calling it love, if in reality it’s just because you love the sex or you need to justify behavior you would otherwise regret.
Sexless marriage. It’s whatever folks can truly agree upon. But it’s not for me.
Marriage. I see it as a statement of commitment, and I was happy to make our Quaker commitment public with family and friends and loved ones offering their support. I think I’ve posted on this already. Common law marriage is good enough for me – let the state recognize the real thing, not license it like dogs and drivers.
Marriage re individuality/commonality. At our Meeting for Marriage. I said “My love is intended not to encumber your freedom, but to support you along your life path, so that you may live fully and authentically.” We do look out for one another’s best interests, so she doesn’t get a free ride on things if they appear wrong for her. Dealing with such an issue at the moment…not easy, but sure we’ll come out fine.
@Paul – Much food for thought. Thank you for this response. (Again, I wonder – if we chose other words in some instances, might that help?)
@Ms. HalfEmpty – A woman after my own heart… 🙂
I do not use the word love loosely. In fact, I think I probably have difficulty saying it because I pride myself on meaning what I say and follow through. I was never one of those kids who said “luv ya” to all my friends. I rarely sign letters love unless to a romantic love.
Real love is still alive in my life and the word has not lost its meaning for me.
Love spans a kaleidoscope of emotions. Phila, Eros, Agape…all forms of the same feeling. So simple, yet so complex. And I think it’s safe to say that most of the time for women, intimacy is needed in order to enjoy sex; for men, sex is needed to fully engage in intimacy. It’s a Catch 22.
And do you think that considering our words more carefully might help, Lisa? Learning to identify the elements of what we feel with more clarity – or does the “haze” of feeling in love make that difficult, if not impossible?
As the guy who often gets asked, why are you smiling (my sister sez she gets that too so I’m thinking maybe it’s genetic), I love so many people, things, places and ideas that I tend to use the word too much. So I try to be more descriptive than the average Joe or Jane to help the listener understand a little bit more about my feelings.
Just like the word fuck is used too much by many people, mostly for shock value if you ask me, love is used by lazy or imprecise types to describe a variety of wonderful things in our lives. You luv that jazz ensemble; what does that really mean? How does that group, it’s musicians, and it’s melodies speak to you. Tell me more.
And as that special person, if you have to ask me if I luv you, then we probably are not meant to be a couple. I’m just sayin’…
Interesting point, Gandalfe. But some people do seem to need the reassurance of hearing “I love you” more than others. I try not to make assumptions that it is purely insecurity; I think it may be more complex than that. But I don’t say it when I don’t mean it, and I won’t be coerced into saying it (which some try to do… ).
First off, besides the BIG thank you for mentioning my blog (“LOVED” that you did that! … ;), you bring up many thought provoking questions. I recently talked to a 56 year old man (never been married but a romantic, deep person) who after years of being dubbed a “player” is finally “in love.” He won’t call it that. He says that instead, he told the woman “I am falling for you.” Maybe that’s what it really feels like. A “letting yourself go” of sorts, an uninhibited soaring feeling. I agree that our culture throws the word around too loosely, but it’s probably like many words that help crystallize an intangible feeling. But that aside, I have to believe it is different for all of us. We’re all built a certain way. For me, I fall quick. I’ve been guilty of professing my love for someone two months into a relationship! I’ve never regretted it, because when those relationships went south, they were going to go there regardless. Anyway, great post. I could comment all day 🙂
And I “loved” your post, Cougel, obviously…
Interesting tale about the 56-year old. Amazing how hard it is for some people to say those words, and how easy it is for others, regardless of the feelings. But one of the problems I see is that once the “L” word is thrown around, expectations change, and sometimes in ways that aren’t good for the relationship. Or, that are premature. Thoughts?
Oh, this is all too much for me to take in. I always go back to (have I mentioned her before?) Simone Weil:
“It is only necessary to know that love is a direction and not a state of the soul. If one is unaware of this, one falls to despair at the first onslaught of affliction.”