It’s a simple concept, really. Something many of us pick up along the way, dismiss as life gets complicated, and if fortunate, refashion into the habit of a lifetime. We ask: How may I help?
Years ago I attended a professional seminar touting a different approach to traditional networking. Rather than blatant self-interest – the typical meet-and-greet, and delivery of the 60-second elevator speech – the focus was on genuine exchange of services.
On being of assistance.
Called NetWeaving, this shift in networking style was positioned as a win-win – a sort of individual + collective benefit. The premise: when you’re sincerely open to helping the other guy, you help him and yourself.
Idealistic?
Sure. And it works. Doesn’t a bit of the Golden Rule help us all? Don’t we feel good when we help someone else, or when we step out of our own concerns for awhile? When a customer senses that you’re invested in his success, won’t he be more likely to avail himself of what you have to offer?
As for the inevitable “takers” – they won’t disappear. But most of us remember when someone has acted in kindness, provided assistance without strings, or delivered on their promises. We pay it forward when it’s personal. We go back for more (and serve as references) when it’s business.
Helping, as part of organizational or social fabric
As a teen, I used to stop by my mother’s office occasionally. She worked as an administrator at a large university. Her standard response when she picked up the phone?
She spoke her name, followed by “How may I help you?” – which struck me at the time, and has always stayed with me.
Perhaps the phrase was startling because my mother was often abrasive with me. Perhaps it was the surprising warmth in her voice, and the fact that she connected readily with strangers. Whatever our relationship, when it came to her professional life, she derived enormous satisfaction from helping solve problems, and doing so in a gracious manner.
That leads me to reminisce however vaguely about “then” and “now,” the sense that Americans once prided themselves on service – service to family, to various communities, to customers. Service to country, and to humanity in general. This concept of giving was woven throughout my mid-century upbringing, by a complicated woman who nonetheless believed in “how may I help.”
Teaching kids about service
For many reasons, I find myself examining the way in which I approach challenges. Only days ago, while working with a small business owner to define his competitive advantages, I offered my own by way of example. I summed up my skills and experience in a tidy three sentences, followed by
… and I’m not happy until my client is happy.
In other words, my commitment to excellence (in everything) is part of what sets me apart in the business world. My insistence on exceeding expectations is wrapped up in a belief in service. I will add that knowing myself as a people pleaser, I have to be careful with this tendency. Yet I am proud of the fact that I feel good when I help others to feel good. When I make a difference, it is tremendously satisfying.
As a parent, this is no less the case. I’ve been dealing with my younger son’s roller coaster moods since school began in August. His schedule is jammed, his sleep is compromised, and he’s cranky all too often. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me; I’m having to draw from deep wells of patience and perspective, daily.
I also spend several hours each day in service to my son – not as a parent per se, but as his partner in taking him closer to his dreams: I research, I make phone calls, I shuffle his schedule and my own.
He knows it. He sees it. He acknowledges it.
This is not the only example of service; both my sons have witnessed acts of kindness, donating time and skills, and have been sharply reprimanded when they’re thoughtless. Likewise, they’ve been praised when they think beyond their own needs, as I try to teach that self-interest and helping others are interrelated.
“How may I help?”
Presumably, my mother’s polished professional line lodged itself in my psyche. She may have failed to practice the same approach at home, but she implemented the art of service in other ways, and in her own way.
As for me, I ask my teenager “What can I do to help?” several times each week. It diffuses frustration. It bonds us in a common goal. It encourages him to speak more freely, knowing there will be no judgment, only a search for solutions – together.
Healthy self-interest is a must; women often slip to the bottom of their own priority lists. I’m not suggesting we perpetuate that behavior, only that we seek to frame our words and our outlook differently, recognizing the strength of a tightly woven fabric, balance, reciprocity, and interdependence. Service, that benefits us all.
You May Also Enjoy
Service – something that seems to be disappearing in this country. You are to be commended.
I think far more of us live this way than we realize. But I agree that it seems to have lost any focus in a tangible way. It’s funny how some high schools require “community service” in order for students to receive their diplomas. Sadly, the kids are so pressed with other matters, what constitutes community service is debatable at best, and comes (perhaps?) too late and disjointed in their upbringing to make a difference, at worst.
I ask my daughter the same question – How can I help – and find myself asking others that more often. I was raised to give to the community to help when possible but not over extend. It feels good to be able to help; to give. It was odd to read this just now as I have been in the café of my building attempting to recruit mentors for an elementary school with little or not takers. People are too busy, live too far away… or just don’t want to help. I live in an area where people are often happy to give money but are less willing to give of their time. I am not sure they realize that they received twice as much as they give?
That said, I also live amidst a number of people with enough money and no thought of giving in any way to their community or to charities or to their country. The idea of service is something that is lacking in many areas and in many families.
It is an interesting world.
Of course there are so many other ways to be of service – volunteering in so many arenas, teaching, counseling, entering local politics, and more. Sometimes the “service” I think we ignore are those small things that we can do – in our own homes, with our own children, or reaching out as we do here – online – listening and supporting.
You mention those you encounter with money enough to give – who don’t. I’ve seen that as well. Perhaps those who have struggled are more likely to recognize it in others, and be proactive without assumptions? An interesting world, as you say.
I do find I’m grateful for the generosity of spirits found through this medium.
Interesting post, BLW. I think about this issue often, especially as it relates to the ubiquity of technology. It seems to me that opportunities for simple acts of kindness and service – whether from professionals, students performing required community service, or random passersby on the street – are often overlooked because our culture increasingly has a phone to its ear or a key beneath its finger. I’m no Luddite, but I do lament the way in which our need to be connected all the time compromises our focus on being connected to the people around us.
Yes – simple acts of kindness.
“Healthy self-interest is a must; women often slip to the bottom of their own priority lists. I’m not suggesting we perpetuate that behavior, only that we seek to frame our words and our outlook differently, recognizing the strength of a tightly woven fabric, balance, reciprocity, and interdependence.”
Amen.
I spent yesterday afternoon looking for a new internist — starting from square one, calling each of the offices of recommended folks to get a feel (as best I could) for each doctor’s style and expertise through conversations with the receptionists. Better than scheduling appointments with each (for many reasons). Let’s just say some of those receptionists weren’t service-oriented!
I know what you mean, CT! And I wish you luck in your search. I know how frustrating it can be.
Love the idea of helping other helps us. Good karma, paying it forward, however you want to phrase it, the more positive energy out there the better. Somehow it comes back to us!