Oh, there’s nothing like a great roll in the hay. Or on a nice mattress, if you prefer not plucking straw (or splinters) out of your hair and derrière. Mmm… images of an open field, a soft breeze, a sensual afternoon… all the more delicious if love is in the air.
Anyone have private recollections of passionate encounters that make you smile – even now?
Was it while you were married, and if so, was it with your spouse?
It’s not really such a strange question when you look at statistics on marriage and sex, not to mention divorce and infidelity.
Incidentally, according to a much cited source (Durex), in 2003 people were having sex an average of 127 times a year.
Hmm. In 2003 I was having no sex, which leaves me wondering who offset my “zero” in order for the average to settle at 127 tantalizing times.
More statistics on marriage and sex
Those statistics came from About.com’s marriage pages. You will also note that Bulgarians, Hungarians and Russians were reported as most sexually active (150 times/year). I attribute this to brutally cold temperatures and fiery vodka, combining to stimulate all manner of heat-producing activity.
Perhaps a change in continents would lead to a livelier sex life?
So, how often do married couples have sex?
That same 2003 Durex survey stated that Americans (specifically) had sex 118 times/year, which doesn’t leave me feeling any better about my less than rousing performance. As for married couples, data from 2001 offers a still enthusiastic 98 times a year, which is roughly twice a week.
I say again, hmmm.
Data, thy name is manipulation
Let us probe further, shall we? I find myself wondering about:
- the accuracy of the data
- the nature of the “representative” sample
- ages of the participants, how long married; if remarried
- if they have children, how old and how many
- income and employment levels (money worries or lack thereof, availability of domestic assistance)
Then there’s the fudge factor, a.k.a. exaggeration to avoid embarrassment. Don’t forget the European study on sexual satisfaction, and wine as the secret to a flourishing sex life… Might there be factual fabrications whenever sexuality is involved?
Call me crazy, but I can imagine twice a week during the first months of marriage. Maybe even a year. But I’d be shocked to find more than once a month by year 5 (with children), much less by year 10 – with or without kiddos around the house.
Random musings, a few factoids
Personally, I believe that most marriages start out with a bang, and dwindle to a fizzle in the carnal pleasure department. And it happens fast.
According to a detailed study on sexuality and long-term marriage, what goes on outside the bedroom has a huge influence. That makes sense (to me). Nonetheless, I give you this chilling quote from the aforementioned research:
“Using data from the National Survey of Families and Households, Call, Sprecher, and Schwartz (1995) find that sexual frequency declines precipitously during the first year of marriage with a slow but steady decline thereafter. They speculate that the dramatic decline in frequency of marital sexual intercourse over the first year of marriage reflects “a reduction in the novelty of the physical pleasure provided by sex with a particular partner and a reduction in the perceived need to maintain high levels of sexual behavior.”
Kids, work, money, fatigue, routine – the one-two (three-four?) punch for libido? Love may survive, but sexual excitement and engagement? Apparently, it’s common for all things sexy and spicy to lose their staying power.
Does that explain infidelity?
Furtive phone calls
The purposeful or “accidental” use of infidelity to spice up the boudoir is another matter.
Is infidelity in marriage inevitable? Does it always mean the end of a marriage?
As for infidelity statistics, they’re eye-opening – not only the numbers but the ways.
It’s a topic deserving of its own in-depth exploration, for another morning. But let’s just say, any furtive phone calls you can remember in your pre-divorce days? Any going on now?
While we’ve all heard our share of tales where sexting leads to divorce, the phone has long been the tie that binds lovers, and facilitates sextracurricular activities.
Marriage continues to thrive
When you look into the frequency of tying the knot, there’s no question that marriage continues to thrive despite evolving views on sexuality.
But then what? What about the quality of sex life that follows? Is it simply unrealistic to think that people who love each other can sustain an active and engaging sex life as the years go on?
Whose data do we believe, anyway?
Why this topic?
I haven’t tallied up the occurrences, but I do write about love and sex (as well as parenting and shoes). They’re big in my world. All of them. Yet I haven’t written about love and sex (particularly sex) in the context of marriage. In fact, there’s been no discussion of “married sex” – in part because there’s little to say that’s exotic or erotic, at least, in my experience and that shared by most of my friends both male and female.
That led me to ponder:
Married sex – is it an oxymoron? Is “good” married sex the real dilemma?
Getting off on a cheerier note
I have one or two friends who tell me they’ve experienced terrific married sex, for a number of years. That cheers me immeasurably!
- Are they the exception?
- Have they used extracurricular activity to hang in?
- Fruitful forays into role play?
- Other sexy secrets for battling boredom?
- New heels required to spike the marital cocktail?
- Do all marriages dissolve into loving roommates at best, or just dissolve?
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I guess the sex within a marriage depends on the people in the marriage. From my personal experience I married too young (read naive) and my husband was a dud in bed. He was plenty happy but I was bored. It definitely takes two to tango and one person can only hold it together for so long. Feeling unappreciated everywhere BUT in the bedroom certainly didn’t help.
Since I’ve been single I’ve decided to get what I want from my partner sexually (and otherwise) as well as reciprocate. If/when I marry again I would have it no other way. People do what they want to do and if having sex is what they want, they will have it regardless of other factors in life.
What I learned in my marriage is that should the day ever come where I desire a relationship again (which doesn’t look likely right now, but trying to keep an open mind), I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want monogamy to be part of it. In order to keep the sex alive!
My husband and I were not compatible sexually. He has a very big sex drive, and so did I… when we were dating. Then I had our daughter, it was an unplanned pregnancy, and our relationship trust was as low as my sex drive. Our communication went down hill – I wanted things he didn’t want to do in bed, and vice versa. We didn’t listen to one another anymore.
I don’t think it’s inevitable for marriage sex to go downhill, but I think it’s pretty common because the comfort sets in and the drive to try new things (for one or both parties) deteriorates. There tends to be imbalance over time, even if one party is still trying to keep the passion alive. Those that keep up the physical and emotional connection as well as the communication factor (and responsive) may have less issues in this area.
My husband chose to deal with our problems through an affair. And the stats are very alarming – conservative estimates state that 80% of all marriages include infidelity. Most infidelity, incidentally, is not about the sex. It’s about the issues in the marriage playing out – loneliness, inability to communicate wants and needs, and resentment built up over time. And, statistics also show, that infidelity does not necessarily lead to the end of a marriage – but couples generally limp along for years trying to recover.
For marriage sex to stay alive – both partners have to make that part of the commitment too. Not an oxymoron, but certainly a challenge!
I have been married 17 years and my husband and I have sex at least twice a week, usually three times a week, and it is varied and always orgasmic. We had one period in our lives where sex did drop off–right after our second child was born. I attribute that to me being wiped out, working with two small kids. However, it turned out also to be a huge shift in hormones. Once I stopped the birth control pills and my husband got a vasectomy, the sex bounced back with a vengeance. We are very respectful of each other, not afraid of trying new things, eager to please each other and have a lock on the bedroom door. I have to say I am quite satisfied. Maybe it runs in the family, my folks, in their 70s are still at it. My mom gives me tips on how to deal with dryness for my future :). Maybe my husband and I are lucky.
Okay, this is a “hot” topic. First, I question every so-called “study” and certainly one in which questions like how much sex are you having is being asked. Unless there were actual cameras in the bedrooms, I’d say forget these numbers.
EVERY factor you cite as reasons sex recedes in marriage (or any monogamous relationship) is true. Those that maintain that bloom of excitement are the exception, not the rule.
I know two couples that are that exception. One is my best friend, who has been married for going on 30 years and he told me they still have sex twice a week. He’s NEVER lied to me. They have 3 kids; all grown now.
Another couple hasn’t given me any numbers, but the wife has often talked about sex as a regular stress release tool of theirs. And, again, I believe her as there’s no reason for them to exaggerate and I see how they are with each other – affectionate and loving. And, like my father with my mother, both these husbands WORSHIP their wives.
So, it is possible. I just think it’s rare. For men, familiarity just makes it less exciting. I’m reminded of the time I was in a fancy gym in West L.A. during my showbiz career. A well-known actor and I were working out next to each other. We knew each other and I really liked him. He is and was very handsome and very fit.
A truly stunning, barely clothed woman walked by, in perfect “10” shape and caused me to strain my neck to catch every inch of her. I made some comment about how great she looked to this actor friend. Without even looking up her said, “Just remember, for every great looking gal (like her), there’s a guy tired of *&^%ing her.”
I think that’s the male dilemma. We want variety and it’s in our genes; our make-up, and we’re raised to view many conquests (of women) as success. We don’t act on it in marriage because of the women and because it is better for society, our children, our respective health’s, etc.
But, it ain’t easy. I do believe it is easier for women who bond differently than men and the sex act has more meaning for women, IN GENERAL, than men. Please don’t bust me for these gender realities. Yes, there are exceptions.
I’m stopping now before I get into any more trouble…
I had plenty of sex when I was married – probably 3-4 times a week. In divorce? Ugh. If I’m lucky enough to be “seeing” someone, we’ll get it on twice a week. In between times, I have gone weeks and even months without. It sucks.
I don’t think infidelity is inevitable. If you can stay in the present moment and make sex spiritual, it can be awesome whoever you’re with – even with your spouse!
I will not offer details, but I am happily married and all is good. But I more than appreciate this post because that is not always (or even usually) the case. Good for you for posting about something insanely relevant and intriguing. Love it.
Lol to the Bulgarians, Hungarians and Russians having more sex because of cold weather and vodka! That actually sounds like a lot of fun 🙂
When you’re married it is so hard to keep the fiery passion alive – I would imagine even more so when you have kids (Mr. DC and I do not… yet). It isn’t an oxymoron because it is still happening… I think a big part of the problem is once they are married both the man and woman can ‘let themselves go’ a bit. Not going to the gym, not wearing pretty underpinnings, sweats around the house (ugh). LA Frog, another blogger I love says she treats her husband like her lover and it has sustained their 11 year marriage strongly.
Great topic! I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit, but clearly not embarrassed enough, that I haven’t had “it” in forever. I feel a little like you must have felt. Where are these people coming from that seem to have it all the time. Actually, now I know. It’s all from Dadshouse.com! 🙂 I read your title and said, He’ll Yeah It’s an oxymoron! But there seem to be some commenters here who defy my expectation. Makes me a little sad actually. Then again, I’m not very outgoing. My personality is reserved and quiet most of the time. That might have something to do with it. I just don’t ask for it. Who knows. Point is that it’s probably been at least a year since I’ve had a roll in the hay. blah :-/
Really wonderful, candid (and diverse) responses.
I think Student Mama used the word “challenge” when it came to married sex – and maybe that’s what’s most applicable to most of us. It’s more of a challenge in some circumstances or at some points in life, and certainly a challenge if you’re not with a partner who is compatible sexually or in other ways.
I do wonder about the data in the study…
I happen to disagree that wanting variety is in the “male genes” (women look, too, and imagine variety; the consequences are more extreme if we act on it).
No easy answers, but another question – Why do so many people remarry, and so quickly, especially if Marriage #1 was such a problem – in the bedroom or elsewhere?
I’m certainly not an expert and a bit old school when it comes to sex in or out of marriage. For me, sex is completely a reflection of the relationship I have with my partner. If our relationship outside the bedroom is good, our relationship inside the bedroom is better. If our relationship is defunct, sex is non-existent. I’ve always had a tough time being that vulnerable with someone I barely know or am maybe attracted to but I know isn’t going to be a keeper.
I’m really not the person to talk about married sex since after being married twice where both sexual relationships eventually ended long before the marriage finally did for the same reasons: I was doing ALL the work in the relationship, emotional, financial, household, etc. I was simply too stressed, frazzled and angry most of the time to even care.
As a single person, I’m holding out for that quality relationship where the bedroom is an extension of what we do everywhere else and of the deep trust and commitment we have to each other. I do believe that two people can make a go of it and keep it fun even when married but it is a challenge. I don’t believe, at all, that men are by nature wanderers. I know several very happily married men who wouldn’t consider it, but then, looking at their wives, I guess I can see why. 😉
Reasons for getting married so soon after marital failure are as varied as the individuals involved, I think. Some just can’t be alone, others need a caretaker, others actually luck out and have a better go of it right away. Some of us, aren’t so lucky. For me, I’m tempted just to go with the next redneck guy that can fix a car or repair a broken light fixture, but, I simply couldn’t bring myself to mortgage my future, my finances, or my children’s future away for some dolt with a great toolbox that he knows how to use. On the other hand, if the dolt was attractive, literate, and into me, it would be quite another story altogether.
I know nothing about these things. John Gottman out of Seattle, however, has done a great deal of research over the last three decades about marriage (including sex and its decline generally after the children come along). Google him. It’s too late and I’m too tired to go hunting for the link. 😀
Nice post. Great comments.
Oops! I meant “defunct” not defunk although, maybe if the relationship is bad and sex is defunct, then it puts me in “defunk”? I don’t know. It’s late, I’m tired and what am I doing here instead of in bed??? LOL!
You have to remember that we all grow old, and the body changes. It happens. It’s life, which means that we need something more than sex as being the focal point of the marriage and the strength of the relationship.
Now saying that. If the relationship is strong and communication is open and both are working on a great relationship. Both will want to make it work in the bedroom. And the excitement can be maintained for both of them.
As I heard, if the relationship is non-existent, then the bedroom will be nothing. Which makes me still believe in the relationship is greater than the bedroom.
Two possible ways for me to respond to your question: First, the sober assessment: Best thing to say is that men and women vary greatly, both in and out of marriage. Second, the emotional, personal response: Are you crazy? Ever settle for once a month?
I’m in my second marriage, and what a difference. The key thing is to be matched in regard to sexual interest. New relationships are exciting, of course. But that excitement wears off. And after a while, you begin to understand the cost that comes with going for such newness. I have some wonderful memories of past loves and am happy they are behind me. But excitement still exists, of a sort that couldn’t occur for new relationships. Try making love in a tiny backpackers’ tent on the side of the mountain where you can’t let go without danger of one of you sliding to the bottom of the tent. Or making love under a dome of stars on a cloudless night. And if this sounds like it could be as much fun with a new lover (personally, I doubt it), remember that you’ve got to be able to laugh at the near-total lack of facilities for any cleaning up. How many new relationships can claim that confidence? Anyhow, we’re in our 60’s, and I’m not talking ancient history.
You sound like one of the fortunates, Paul. Certainly – the second time around!
Great read. I have no answers for the gang here, just the observation that I don’t expect anyone has the actual statistics associated with married sex, the average frequency, or the quality at year 10, year 20, year 30…
If I were to hazard a guess I’d think about things like the average person gains ten pounds for every ten years of life after twenty. Then there are the statistics about sexual dysfunction amongst men and women which is certainly more measureable than the frequency of intercourse. And the the percentage of obese people in the US keeps creeping up.
120+ times a year on average after 10, 20, or more years of marriage? Well, that number seems on the high side to me.
🙂 Glad you enjoyed. And who doesn’t like musing on sex? Married or otherwise?
I think that there are many variables to consider. How long married – when DH and I first married, we never missed a day. Then came the birth of our DD. We dropped a day or two a week. Then our son – we dropped another two days a week. Now, we have been married almost five years, have a total of five kids (three from my previous marriage) and jobs. Twice a week would be miraculous. Does it mean neither of us desire it more often? No, life just seems to wear us out and cause issues. I find that I have to be intentional about it sometimes, even if I am not in the mood. That’s how it works here. I am sure that everyone is different.
I don’t have to guess at how often (sic) I have sex. I have tracked it since 1997. This year (2011), I have had sex 21 times by actual count to date. I can expect to hit 25 times by the end of the year. That is as good as it will get for me.
RealistBC! How delightful of you to stop by here. (It’s been a busy afternoon at Huff Post.)
25 times by the end of the year? I’d say you’re doing well by American standards. (Isn’t it the Finns and Russians who have the most marital sex? Perhaps a matter of climate?)
It pains me to no end that we, as “Americans” settle for such a low quality of life! We work and work and work to achieve the “American Dream” but live quiet lives of desperation. So many seem so unwilling to do whatever it takes to “fix” their relationships. We will readily complain on blogs and forums about how terrible things are, but won’t address them with our partner. We assume they “know” what we want/need but choose not to provide. We assume they understand us, but choose to ignore us. Why not talk to your partner? Why not talk to them over and over again – even when you feel like they ignore you? Why not ask them to go with you to see a therapist? Why not make every necessary attempt possible to speak out for yourself and fight for a satisfying relationship? Now before you judge me as a troll or insensitive jerk – I have lived this life – both as a complainer and a fighter.
One issue which should be brought up, as in my situation, is that of sexual abuse. Many times this “dark history” doesn’t emerge until after marriage or a significant step of commitment. It can wreak havoc on any relationship and always affects the sex life. Often the effects of the abuse are overwhelming both to the survivor and their partner. Sex can go from great to terrible or mediocre to non-existent. For many years I was a complainer. Now I’m a fighter. I’m fighting for myself and my needs. Survivors may or may not choose to pursue wholeness, but its important each of us fight for ourselves and the wholeness and sexual satisfaction we deserve.
Thank you, Darren, for raising this critical issue that so often goes undiscussed.
“Fighting for ourselves and the wholeness and sexual satisfaction we deserve.”
Yes.
Let me note, before I begin my little 2-cents, I’m not a writer/Blogger, I just have a heart for marriages.
In my short 14 yr married-with-2-children experience, I have found that we are DEFINITELY an exception to the rule.
My husband and I met, then one month later, I was pregnant. Fast fwd 14 yrs and 2 kiddos later, we have been through a lot of “issues” (including one infidelity & MY hormones) we are stronger now than ever before! We are both 40 yrs old now (our kiddos are 14 &12) and are exploring our sexuality more then ever. We have always, since day one, been VERY sexually compatible… Did that save us? No, but I will say it kept us hanging on by a thread until our friendship and trust could finally mature.
I guess my message is, If you have one or the other, sexual compatibility or a deep friendship, don’t give up hope. If one sustains you, the other can complete you… eventually :0)
Lovely of you to stop by and comment, CindysBliss. There are lessons in your experience… Perhaps not applicable to everyone, but I might hazard a guess – applicable to more than we think, if both people are willing to fight the good fight.
Deep friendship and sexual compatibility. Sounds pretty good to me.