Are you the breadwinner in your household? Do you choose your dates (or did you choose your spouse) with his or her earning power in mind?
I have known women who would never consider dating a man below a certain income level. I have known women who narrow their candidate pool by profession, which is an issue of status as well as presumed financial security. I have known women who pursue their careers, make their own money, always have and always will; nevertheless, this doesn’t necessarily preclude the same sort of filtering process when it comes to men, though the reasons may differ.
Naturally, we are all subject to the whims of the economy and the evolution of our skills and interests, which may require both sexes to retool and reinvent as the executive becomes the consultant, the consultant becomes the motivational speaker, and the marketer becomes a teacher. Or, you may reconsider who you’re dating – and why – as a means to survive.
An interjection, if you will allow: I’ve known many men who only date a woman of a certain height, weight, hair color, and age. If sexuality and appearance are female bargaining chips, they surely have a shorter shelf life than money, position, or power.
Women and Money
An intriguing column at 3Plus International, by leadership psychologist Anne Perschel, explores the uneasy relationship between women and money, as well as women and power. In particular, statistics offer food for thought when it comes to sources of marital problems (money), financial fears (the result of financial dependence?), and a continuing reluctance to get down and dirty when it comes to money matters.
According to the article:
- For women, the security and freedom money brings is 15-20 times more important than the status and respect it affords
- Money is almost 20 times more likely than sex to be the biggest source of marriage conflict
- One in five women report having a “secret stash” of savings their husbands don’t know about
Think about those statistics. And do read the article which elaborates on the complex and contradictory relationship that women tend to have when it comes to money.
We see it as security – perhaps more so if we’re raising children.
We live its power struggles in marriage; every married or divorced friend I have has had disagreements over allocating dollars, especially when it comes to children.
We recognize that we’re generally more vulnerable financially, especially as we grow older. (Don’t think that’s the case? Care to check out age-related earnings data, and think about the repercussions?)
Dating Wealthy Men
The land of online dating? I dare say, it makes a mockery of the way we search for dates and mates. Rather a damning statement, I know. And not always the case, I realize.
But how many women look at income ranges on a profile before they even glance at the photographs? (Oh Foolish Woman, if you actually believe a checked box on a form…)
How many look at job titles – hoping for doctor, lawyer, or CEO – before digging into what’s written on a profile? (How gullible we can be… You know that profile writers can be hired, right?)
How many women disregard – or discard – the possibility of getting to know a musician, a teacher, a sales person?
Is that because there is an assumption of earnings that doesn’t meet with the ideal, which is a man who makes more money than the woman?
Dating Powerful Men
One might assume that the adage “money is power” is always true. Personally, I think money helps, money is necessary to survival for most of us, but power is not necessarily a function of being wealthy. Power is exercised when influence is attained, and that influence may be the result of money, or it may, in fact, increase the stockpile of Big Bucks in the Offshore Bank.
Many women I’ve known are attracted to the trappings of power, which may derive from money or the charisma, the confidence, and the influence that is associated with power.
I’ve seen strong women gravitate toward strong (powerful) men because they want the excitement, the challenge, and the potential of a mind match in seeking someone who feels like an equal.
Do these women find it? Do these bright, powerful men seek equally bright powerful women?
Not necessarily.
Your Dating Decisions?
As I look at my own dating history before marriage and after divorce, my priorities have never been about earning power or job status. They were and are about intelligence and education, humor and values.
And chemistry, of course.
Still, it wasn’t until I’d lived through layoff and divorce hitting around the same time that I came to understand some key mistakes in judgment. Finding myself with children to support and no income, I fully understood my own lack of attentiveness to financial matters even though I was an equal breadwinner throughout my marriage, responsible for roughly half the household expenses.
I learned the hard way (like too many women?) and paid the price for not paying attention. The result? I’m very aware that relationships must exist in the real world and that means facing and discussing financial practicalities. It’s hard to drum up a romantic evening when you’re worried about paying the mortgage or the rent.
Real World Money Matters
Let’s be honest, shall we? Women earn less than men. Women typically give more when it comes to domestic responsibilities. Over the years, these factors add up.
Even if we remain fully employed throughout our lives, if we have families, some amount of time is likely cutting into our earnings. Couple this with the depletion of energy over 20 or more years of caring for others while we’re trying to also work (for pay) to capacity, and there is a cumulative effect as the decades roll along. Our “nest eggs” and future retirement funds are impacted. For that matter, so are our bodies!
What else? Raising kids costs a small fortune. Unexpected medical bills can kick a family’s financial plan to the curb. A “stash” – secret or otherwise – offers a small measure of fear reduction, should a marriage end or should a job be lost, so it doesn’t surprise me that 3Plus International reports on those stash statistics. (I only wish I had been so well prepared.)
And the numbers speak for themselves when it comes to a woman’s comparative earning power.
- Is income a factor in your dating decisions?
- Do you only date “professionals” – doctors, lawyers, senior executives?
- Has your attitude toward finances evolved over the years – as career or family status has changed?
- If you’re in a post-marital stage (widowed or divorced), are financial considerations in dating more important now?
- Are you attracted to money, to power, or to both?
- Do you expressly seek a partner in a less competitive or time-consuming field?
You May Also Enjoy
Curtis says
Interesting. While I did not have any criteria when I was younger, i can advise I have been attracted to a certain type of woman: very attractive, vivacious, edgy, outgoing, intelligent, sporty and at least one deep/serious flaw. When I was younger I did not consider profession, money, education, etc.
After a divorce my intellectual criteria has changed but it is a fight with my emotional attraction and what I attract.
I can tell you that when someone asks what I do, what I drive, what I make or where I live early in a conversation or even when my first meet someone my spidey sense kicks in and I may be quick to write off. Immediately a trust issue arises.
As for me, I think kindness and empathy in today’s world are highly underrated. How one treats friends, family, children, animals, and strangers is a good indicator. After that core values and beliefs are essential and should be close or spot on. Respect is something that also underpins a relationship and is essential. Humor and semi adventurous are important to me. Financial and emotional independence, not wealthy, and reliability are also important. I am in a high stress and often time consuming career, hence there has to be some understanding about this.
I am on the fence about education and intelligence. Any input is appreciated.
BigLittleWolf says
You seem very aware relative to what attracts you, Curtis. Interesting that you also give thought to what / whom you attract. (Many of us don’t think about that, and adjust accordingly if it isn’t good for us.)
On the fence about intelligence and education?
Curious why that is. In other words, not something you look for explicitly? Something that would show through in that empathy and shared semi-adventurous spirit? Or not that important to you, in general?
The issue of being the better ($$$) provider, as a male? Is that something you feel a need for?
paul says
My situation has been interesting because my occupation has considerable recognition by some standards, but also not much money by some standards. I’ve dated some women with much more by way of financial resources and financial expectations than I have. It has always been a factor, because expectations have always accompanied resources. One notable instance — the lady who sold Manhattan real estate. Gorgeous, perfect, vegan. When she came for dinner with my extended family at the family cottage in Connecticut, some family members just about fell off their chairs. (Perhaps, in part, my reason for my inviting her. I was newly divorced and this was a wake up call to them. 🙂 ) Anyhow, we later cut to the quick. If our relations were to continue, I should quit my academic job and join her real estate operation. She said I would immediately be earning twice my current annual salary, and after a few years would likely earn (?? w.c.) ten times my current annual salary. Fascinating lady in some ways, and one of two opportunities in my life to become rich. I declined, for more reasons than just this one — can you imagine me with investments in the Hamptons?
But she was gorgeous.
BigLittleWolf says
Wow, Paul. You just made the point in spades! And you open up entire other areas of discussion – the way expectations change with resources, for one; how status and money do not necessarily go hand in hand; surely, how we do not remunerate for “true value” (my subjective opinion and using educators as the example).
And you also illustrate the power of beauty to persuade (whether you ultimately went for it or not). Clearly, bringing a gorgeous woman to your family gathering was a way to “up” your status in their eyes. (Haven’t we all done that at one time or another?)
paul says
Of course, there was the young lady who said “I am rich, you are poor. I will pay for everything.” That seemed to work for what we both agreed was not a forever relationship, although it was hardly what I had expected. She came to our wedding — an interesting lady.
Fran had never given any serious thought to accumulating savings until shortly before we met – she lives in mental and physical community with others. She’s really hoping that we’ll be able to get much of our food from the community garden this coming year. She’ll increase her efforts on canning and preserving for winter usage. So who needs money? Here’s one of Fran’s favorites http://www.moneylessmanifesto.org/ So glad I didn’t retire to the Hamptons 🙂 )
batticus says
Funny how the men are chiming in on this one 🙂 For online dating, I just worry that the woman can support herself and her children. Other than that, normal attraction applies. As for listing my income, I don’t do it out of principle since it shouldn’t matter. With support payments also, what income would I use? Before or after support is paid? I’m not sure if I’ve lost out because of perceived income level but if I have, they weren’t for me anyway.
BigLittleWolf says
It is interesting, batticus…
Excellent point, relative to support, etc. (I never completed those sections either. Silly, if you ask me. One can say anything really, can’t they?)
lisa says
I didn’t assess my now-estranged husband’s financial responsibility when I married. I WILL the second time, if I ever remarry. I don’t need a sugar daddy, nor do I need a high earning doctor or lawyer. I just want to mutually agree on a suitable standard of living, to set financial goals and divide responsibilities. Then, I want us both to mutually commit to those, each upholding our end of the bargain.
BigLittleWolf says
Marriage once around does tend to teach a few lessons, doesn’t it Lisa. All kinds of lessons, for all of us.
Curtis says
Well let me explain why and what I am on the fence about in relation to intelligence and education. I have met people who went to excellent schools but parrot information without critical thinking and completely lacking intellectual curiosity. I think there is a baseline/floor of intelligence, but I don’t need to have someone at the same level. I also have eclectic and varied interests, which have been described as both Renaissance and whacked. Yes I am looking at Flacco’s QB rating for the Superbowl and a report showing China freight which does not align with economic projections. I doubt I will have someone with the same eclectic interests and tastes. As to empathy you are correct there has to be a certain level of understanding but fools can seek adventure. In essence intelligence is important in that there is a floor but I am not sure of the benefit or desirability or like or greater intelligence. That is what I struggle with.
As for being a greater money earner, I could easily be a kept man! (smile) I had my opportunity but married for LUV. I am truly cursed with the idealistic and romantic viruses. I hope I can get a shot for that.
teamgloria says
Gosh.
We are still longing for the days of royal (but somewhere interesting like Vienna or Denmark) patronage so we can be a rousing troubadour and travel and tell stories and be feted and loved.
Thank goodness for the Interweb.
Tis a fine way to find financial security and interesting (if largely virtual) companionship.
*wavingfromlosangeles*
BigLittleWolf says
Patronage. tg, you make me smile…
Cecilia says
Well, BLW, you and I come from the same alma mater so we know this topic well, don’t we…I was brainwashed for a few years by the social culture of marrying power and status. (A Boston College friend of mine nearly fell out of her chair when she saw that our alumnae magazines boasted the alma matres of husbands in the updates.) The last serious relationship I had before my husband was with a Wall St. banker. I cannot speak for all Wall St. bankers of course, but this particular one drove home the point that power/money do not equal fulfillment for me. We were so incompatible but I had gone after the resume. It was a bad relationship (scars galore) but I needed the wind knocked out of me to wise up.
BigLittleWolf says
Oh Cecilia, you make me laugh! I had forgotten about that! The alumnae magazine flaunting the degrees of our grooms in the marriage announcements!
It’s interesting how important it is / was (still is for some?) to go for the resume and the trappings, only to forget that the substance is what matters. “Wising up,” as you say. Better late than never?
Cecilia says
ha ha – I wonder if they have dropped that nonsense by now…I will have to check in the next edition 😉
Better late than never!
Wolf Pascoe says
For whatever reason, I noticed that the prom queen who wouldn’t give me a second look when we were in high school was much more interested when we had our 25th reunion. It made me think I’m an acquired taste.