It was one of those quick, spontaneous conversations between women. I was running errands, we began to chat, and she commented on the absence of a wedding band on my ring finger. Then she asked if I was divorced, I said yes, and she replied “Me, too.”
We shared a few words on how long and if there were kids. She was impeccably dressed — pas moi — and I put her in the late forties.
As the conversation continued, she asked if I was seeing anyone and if I expected to remarry. When I said there was someone in my life these past few years, she jumped on the Assumption Bandwagon, and the comments went from there.
The assumptions ran the gamut from financial assistance to always having a companion when you wanted one to an idealized view of romance, growing old together, and couplehood as the brass ring — with or without the diamond ring. When I attempted to dispel her illusions — life is rarely so simple — she said: “At least you have a guy.”
I was struck by the decisiveness of the remark, not to mention its ignorance, as if there exists some dry and desolate No Man’s Land that is too dreadful to contemplate. If we find ourselves wandering that particular desert, we should settle for whatever we can get — so as to avoid life without a man.
Long live the persistent tinge of a slightly higher social status if… “you have a guy.” Likewise, with or without marriage, the pretty picture of fictionalized couplehood wherein the woman has fewer responsibilities, more assets at her disposal, more time spent going out, and of course, a steamy sex life.
Here’s what I find myself thinking:
Aren’t I “me” without a “guy?” In some respects, aren’t I a better me, at least in so far as I have more time to pursue what makes me… me?
Loving someone and being loved in return is delicious, to be sure. It’s also complicated, time consuming, and not static. Moreover, the thought that we should “have a guy” just to, well… have a guy… seems especially absurd as fully adult women in our forties, fifties or older.
It’s difficult enough convincing our younger women that they should not define themselves by the men with whom they keep company. After raising children and going through marriage and divorce, must we really still view life à deux, regardless of the quality of the relationship, as a “must?”
Perhaps I am being judgmental in my statements, and making assumptions that I shouldn’t make. I am a person who needs a certain amount of space, I need my quiet time (though I love to socialize when I’m in the mood), and I’ve been on my own for so many years that it’s my “normal.”
As for this woman — she was pleasant and quite sweet. Clearly, to her, the significance of a ring is enormous. That level of commitment equates to security, comfort, acceptance and greater social currency.
Incidentally, she has been divorced about the same number of years as I have, but she doesn’t have children and she does have a traditional job. These are two significant (and potentially related) factors, especially if you’re talking about life after divorce.
In reflecting on this chance encounter, I find myself both wistful and distressed. Once upon a time, my “world of women” was essentially without judgment. Perhaps I had an exceptional experience, but it was the foundation of my respect for, belief in, and abiding faith in the strong and compassionate community that women so frequently extend.
Ironically, as soon as I was in the “suburban” universe of motherhood (both stay-at-home and work-for-pay), this began to shift. And certainly, I see a horrific level of backstabbing and judgment in select online communities. Has our power so weakened in 20 years that we have resorted to warring on each other in petty and presumptive ways?
Would that we were less inclined to make assumptions about any other woman’s life (or man’s life for that matter) — whatever marital status, parenting status, financial status or otherwise.
True, I also did precisely that to a degree, judging her based on her employment and parenting status. From both, rightly or wrongly, I made assumptions: Without the logistical complexity of managing kids on one’s own for a dozen years (not to mention visitation and co-parenting hassles), without the expense of managing kids, and with the consistency of a salary and benefits, life looks very different.
I welcome your thoughts.
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I believe you are wrong about your ‘world of women’. You judge each other all of the time by what you wear, your hair style and even zip code. You – women, in general – also try so hard not to be defined by your husband, role, job etc. that you miss the point. It is not about you, your identity and being okay without a man. She has a job, pays bills and has responsibilities like most working adults. She probably thinks she has everything she needs except a man; she wants a guy and thought you did too…and why not?
My wife, and me to some degree, has a dozen or so divorced or never-married women friends in their mid-40’s up. They love to do lunch, brunch, dinner and go out all of the time. You would think they do not need men at all. However, when you sit and talk with them, they complain about not ‘having a guy’…any guy! No dates, no prospects; nothing. They are lonely people who have jobs, cars, houses, 401k’s, teenagers or grown kids and lots of pictures of themselves on Facebook. They do not worry about being defined by ‘men with whom they keep company’. They long for a man to share their life with instead of being by themselves. It makes me sad when I hear how long they have gone without sex, let alone having been kissed or even touched by a man.
Women are so concerned about ‘being me’ and the ability to stand on your own two feet as a ‘independent, strong woman’ etc. Well, it is not that big of a deal. I personally think that love, emotional connection and relationships – especially with the opposite sex – feed us and give us strength to stand on our own.
You make good points, RobG. Perhaps she does indeed have all those other areas of life “covered” but just “any” man is never enough (for most of us), like just “any woman” isn’t enough — if what you want is a real partner.
And yes, women judge each other all the time. (Was my experience up until age 30 unusual? I don’t know, but I’m glad I experienced it.) I agree with you that to go years without knowing intimacy, physical and emotional, is a loss for most of us. For others, perhaps not so much. Nevertheless, the ignorance in her assumptions reflects her situation and (lack of broader divorce) experience.
(I’m always happy when you stop by and comment. You add a great deal to the conversation.)
During the 7 years since my divorce was final, I’ve tried to meet suitable men through online dating sites, meet-up groups and even used a pricey local matchmaking service. Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to meet a guy who has done their own ME work and has the basic attributes I am looking for in someone who I would enjoy as a long-term partner.
Since I’m self employed as a divorce coach and a realtor, plus work a PT admin job without benefits, I often find myself working 6-7 days a week which I realize would be problematic if I DID get into a relationship. However, due to financial necessity, I have no other option at this point to work less.
I understand your perspective completely, Nancy Kay, and have lived it. This is precisely why the assumptions of the woman I encountered bothered me so completely. Even if you do manage a relationship of some sort, the requirement to work six and sometimes seven days a week is, obviously, a constant issue. There are only so many hours a day and only so much sleep you can sacrifice. The priorities of survival and taking care of children top the list.
This is a difficult thing for any potential partner to comprehend and accept, which is understandable. Likewise, the many years that the situation may continue. Money problems will wear on even the best relationship. And relationships require care and feeding, which requires time we simply may not have.
Clearly, the picture changes at least somewhat once children are launched. That, too, as I imagine you know, is a matter of each individual’s circumstances.
Well, this is definitely a complex issue. I married a divorced man with two children at the age of 22; he was five years older. We were married for 28 years before getting divorced. During our marriage, I had my own job, friends that were mine, and friendly acquaintances that came with my husband’s friends. During my married tenure, I witnessed just about anything that can happen in relationships: extramarital affairs, difficulties with ex-wives and stepchildren, working women, working mothers, stay at home moms, and men who used money to control their wives. The one thing that remained constant in all of these female relationships was a kind of sisterhood where we all cared about and protected each other; until, that is, one changed their status through divorce or widowhood.
Suddenly, this now single woman became a threat to the comfort and security of the sisterhood. Invitations to events, chatty phone calls, and the occasional “girls night out” disappeared. Except for family and a few confident, long standing friendships, this now single woman was on a new journey, because the dynamic among the women of this “sisterhood” had changed.
And now, a new circle of friendships is formed: that of single women. This is a very diverse group. There are those who savor their independence and “freedom”, others who immediately begin seeking another man through visits to bars, single clubs and online networks, and those who remain perpetually depressed. For me, divorce was a blessing, the release of a burden that was weighing me down. I have always been an independent person. I share a full life with family and good friends, and never feel incomplete. Marriage never defined me, or meant owning or controlling another person. It did mean a meaningful sharing of two independent lives, respectfully and with care. I enjoy my space (always have), and like my solitude as much as I enjoy being with others. I don’t seek male companionship, nor do I rule it out either; but, it would have to be with a man who enhances my life, who is confident and respects independence, his own, as well as mine.
Thank you for this thoughtful and thorough response, Angela. You are able to touch on so many issues that come into play, by virtue of your own experience. Indeed, when the “sisterhood” breaks, it can be hurtful, disappointing, and isolating. Rebuilding it from a new place is key to moving forward for many of us.
You are so right to point out the diversity not only of situations, but of responses to those situations, and feelings about one’s new status and lifestyle.
Have you heard of the book…Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own by Kate Bollick? I read an article about it in Vogue where Kate Bollick talks about how many of us have all the qualities of a “spinster” despite being in a long term relationship: independence, need for alone time, ability to be alone etc etc. In her book, Bollick explores the idea of spinsterhood and how she has built her own life, alone. It’s on my list to read…when I get to it.
Such an old fashioned word…spinster. And it seems as if old fashioned ideas still abound when it comes to our view of single-hood. Maybe we should all read more Barbara Pym:)