I was recalling a story I heard as a child about a woman who walked away from her life. She simply got up, got dressed, and left her home, her husband, and her children. Yes, “woman walking away” syndrome is a thing, sometimes referred to as the Walk-Away Wife.
This phenomenon certainly wasn’t discussed 30 or 40 years ago, just as divorce wasn’t so prevalent (or acceptable) as it is today. So when I would hear the story of “Johnny’s mother” who disappeared, it was always talked about in hushed tones.
I must have been 10, possibly younger, when this event occurred. I don’t remember the details, though I have a vague recollection of one rumor of suicide and others of her starting over in another state. Nor do I know if she was heard from again, but over the years this woman’s exit from her suburban life was mentioned from time to time.
And of course, as a child, I couldn’t conceive of any circumstances that would drive a woman — a mother — to abandon her family.
Michele Weiner-Davis describes causes of Walk-Away Wife Syndrome in this way:
… In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things… After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn’t possible. She ends up believing there’s absolutely nothing she can do because everything she’s tried hasn’t worked. That’s when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.
Clearly, most women don’t simply disappear. They discuss divorce, or they initiate it. Then there are those women who are so desperate — or perhaps so depressed — that they simply walk out, leaving devastation in their wake.
I am not suggesting that the mess left behind by a woman who abandons her family is any worse than when a man does this very same thing, though arguably, as mothers are generally the primary caregivers, it may be the case. It is undeniably more surprising to most of us. And, as a mother, personally I cannot imagine circumstances under which I would have walked away from my children. But nor can I know the desperation that a woman who walks away must feel.
Surely, this is the only way she believes she can survive. Surely, when a woman walks away from anyone once precious in her life — a parent, a sibling, a partner, a friend — she believes she must. Possibly, she believes she is walking away for the benefit of those she loves.
Looking back, I wonder if some part of my own mother dreamed of a different life, dreamed of a different marriage, dreamed of a different version of herself. I wonder if she dreamed of a different man, a different something, a different everything.
Dreamed of walking away.
I imagine she considered it. I am also certain that she derived tremendous satisfaction in being a mother, regardless of what I think of her parenting style. And I am convinced that her marital status defined her in a significant way, much as it did for women of her generation, and for that matter, mine.
Naturally, all sorts of variations and circumstances come into play when discussing any spouse or parent who appears to be abandoning responsibilities. The story I heard as a child is a far cry from the mother or father who, for example, can no longer stand the emotional emptiness of living with a spouse who may be carrying on a long-term affair, and who moves out into an apartment when children are teenagers, perhaps only a few blocks away. This may be a ploy to prove a point, a means to start over in a partial fashion, or a step toward divorce.
And yet for those who truly abandon their families, I wonder what the straw that breaks the camel’s back may be. I wonder why it takes some women (or men) 10 years and others 30. I wonder why there isn’t a way to exit more gracefully than simply disappearing. I wonder about these marriages that may seem quiet and smooth from the outside looking in, and I wonder if the quiet is cover for turmoil that is never discussed, or a growing emptiness that eventually can no longer be tolerated.
These may be harder endings to put our fingers on than a specific breech – abuse, infidelity, years of sexual incompatibility.
But to be the spouse abandoned, or worse, the child abandoned, is to carry wounds for life.
I am also considering the recent remark a wise man in my life made — it’s hard to love others if you don’t love yourself. Sometimes the one you really want to walk away from is the person you can never escape — yourself.
You look around and outward, you point the finger at everything that feels unchangeable and beyond you, but the journey inward may feel too terrifying to approach and so you avoid it at all cost.
But none of us can walk away from ourselves, though we may try. And we shouldn’t be allowed to walk away from the legacies we leave to those who were counting on us. Then again, perhaps we don’t.
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Excellent point of looking inward for change. I know that when I find myself seeking outward change (people, schedule, even wardrobe!), when I slow myself enough to truly consider my desires, those things do not satisfy in the long term. It is myself that needs to be addressed, cared for, changed. Often, the road to change is difficult and easier to mask or ignore, but it is so worth it when pursued!
Walking away seems such a desperate and lonely move. It is so very sad, almost chilling, if there is nothing in your life worth holding on to when you have young children. This is outside me realm of empathy. And I know that I apply the double standard here; men do it all the time, but a woman?
I find myself applying the same double-standard, Cornelia. I wish I didn’t; it ought to seem equally tragic, certainly when children are left behind.
I do not know what to say here. I see both sides. Beautifully written as per the norm with you.
Beautifully written. I can’t help but be annoyed at a mom who would walk away from her children. The scars that would leave on her children, would be unbearable. I believe that when a woman signs on to become a mother, that comes with responsibilities. Just cutting and running, no matter the cause is selfish.
I feel empathy for a desperately sad woman, trapped in a life that smothers her… but her children need be the priority.
Be annoyed all you want, but until you walk a mile in that mothers shoes, don’t be so quick to judge.
That kind of thinking and judgement is part of the reason why a woman might feel this way. It’s as though how she feels and what she experienced is not important at all.
You need to exchange the word empathy in your comment for sympathy. Empathetic you are not.
I TOTALLY AGREE… Women are always saying MAN UP!! So when a woman cuts and runs we have different opinions – Oh I married too young, oh I thought it was the best thing to do. Especially if its a good marriage… you stay and make it work… it requires work!!! And don’t even start with the I’m not in love speech or I need my space smh… you’re not on your honeymoon WORK IT OUT ADULTERY AND WALKING AWAY IS NO EXCUSE… if its abuse understood… but when you cut and run out of selfishness… you only keep the family curse going in cycles because the kids will do the exact same thing if they don’t decide to break it and I am a father that came from a Broken home BUT I CHOSE TO STAY… 22 years… I love your post.
Simply can’t imagine it. Even walking away from my husband when 3 of my 4 children were grown and out of the house was the most traumatic thing I’d done in my life to that point. I felt an almost unbearable weight of guilt having done everything in my power up to that point in their lives to protect them, nurture them, and encourage an environment conducive to happiness. And I knew like I knew that a divorce would be hurtful to them. But for me – selfish me I told myself – it was necessary for my survival. That’s been 11 years now and they are fine. We are all close. It’s their father who has nothing to do with any of us and this is hard for my grown children to accept – but the truth of the pudding, so to speak, surfaced on its own and they understand all those reasons I hid from them (and the outside world) for years.
I have severe unremitting depression. I have lived in an empty marriage for the past 8 years (we have been married a month short of 20 years). My son has a serious chronic physical condition, my daughter has a serious psychological condition. My children are 11 (boy) and 16 (girl) and are in the natural developmental stages of seeking independence from parents. I love my children more than anything in the world, but there have been days my children have pushed me away, my husband has been unusually difficult and it seems like everything else is going wrong. I consider killing myself, but I really don’t want to leave my children forever and a divorce seems overwhelming. That’s when I seriously consider just walking away. I could never imagine how a mother could just walk out on her children until I was in that place myself. It is heartbreaking to think no one in your family wants you. Funny thing is, I have no plans for after I would leave. Don’t know where I would go, what I would do, who I would be with. It’s not so much running TO someone as it is running away from EVERYTHING. Thank God I have a fantastic therapist and have found a good med combination, so I don’t feel that way any more.
I just wanted to share my experience from the OTHER side. Not all moms who walk away are monsters. Sometimes it is a choice between suicide and walking away.
I’m sorry your life is filled with so many challenges, and believe me, I realize how euphemistic that word is in your example. But thank you, KT, for sharing just a thumbnail sketch of the realities you’re living with. It helps the rest of us understand.
Please stop by any time. Wishing you well.
This is how I feel thank you for sharing
While many women literally ‘walk away’ many do it slowly and insidiously. They detach, drift away and look externally for happiness. I am in the middle of one such experience. My wife of 20 years had an affair 18 mos. ago and has been seeking happiness externally via her single BFFs, Facebook and then the affair. We have had a great marriage and do love each other very much; good sex, fun times and a lot of laughter. No abuse, share household duties, dual careers, a teenager about to go to college and lots of friends. We also have had our ups & downs, failed expectations, stress, lost money in a business, etc. The thing is, we are still doing great. She just beat cancer and I took care of her for 11 months. Still, she is lost and knows that wherever she goes, she has to take herself with her.
I cannot fix her. She has to look inward, something she hates to do. Call it a ‘mid-life’ crisis or whatever. It really sucks and we were ‘that couple’ that seemed to have figured it out…well, I thought we were anyways. We love being with each other and there is still so much love and so much to lose. I have forgiven her infidelity, but she needs to ‘come clean’. We are separated right now and I am afraid her fantasy of walking away may become true. However, I am not sure if reality will ever live up to her fantasy.
I am a mother about to walk away. I have been beat down for years and feel like leaving my family would be the best thing I could ever do for them. Medically I’m a mess and I am a burden. It’s just a step up from suicide I guess.
Alexa, I don’t mean to intrude. But have you been able to speak to anyone about your feelings – a professional? Your family? Is there any way that others could help?
This is such an interesting topic. If a parent isn’t nurturing themselves, the ability to extend those feelings to their offspring is reduced a lot, and little to no support (or feeling that way) will reduce their love to kids i.e. when things are too much. I know because my 17, 14 and now 2 yr old daughters have lived through my fantasies of doing exactly that.. a break or holiday stopped condition being a permanent decision. As in making that life changing action.. eat pray love with Julia Roberts I wasn’t aware she had kids with her..?? Another thing that has crossed my mind was resettling in another place with my kids.. As I write this I’m aware even resettlement is not an option for many.. which to my understanding would make it more desperate to walk away.. the writers are correct, double standards exist if a mum does this.
Hi my name is Josh. My fiancé after seven years of being together walked away for one of her coworkers. She left our daughter with me and has made very little attempts to see her. Since she has left over three months ago. She had only seen our daughter six times. I don’t know how to tell our little one is there any advice?
I am a single father going thru this right now. My wife of 16 yrs had an affair about six or seven years ago. I forgave but I believe she never did. After the affair she was always sleeping. Sometimes 14 hrs a day. Always going to doctor for some new ailment or some surgery she said was necessary. Then out of the blue a second affair. Then said she never lived on her own and told my 15 yr old son and I she was leaving. Just like that we were alone. There was no abuse and the only thing we ever fought over was that I was alone all the time. She even quit cooking and going to the store. We had taken over all the chores even though we split them already. She said she needed space to think and continued her affair even after I said I would forgive her a second time. I am a good husband, loving father and always ran home from work to be with my family.
We helped her move out, gave her the space she wanted and she still choose to leave.
I have been completely destroyed and my son says for me to quit looking out the windows. Telling me that it is just us two now. I tried to get her back and he tells me she is broken and I cannot fix it. So I’ve had to close the door and support my son’s wishes even though I want her back. She is OCD and has a drinking problem yet denied it all.
I want to protect her out there on her own and yet I know that if I do then that is only enabling her more to stay away. I fear that I’ve lost my wife, my best friend and all my dreams of growing old with her and sitting on a porch playing with our future grandchildren. I will continue to raise our young man on my own to the best of my ability. And worry about how this will affect his own life later in relationships.
Any help or answers to our situation is desperately wanted.
Roy I know exactly what you are going through trust me… mine did the same thing twice… once in 2011 stayed, gone 6 months and another time in 2015, has been gone 1 yr 6 months now… I too am a good father protector provider family oriented, we had 5 children of 1 I stepped in and raised until 18 years old, he ran away right after graduation because he didn’t want to move with the family… we didn’t know where he was and we had already sold our house… got to Atlanta the mother just up and ran away after she got her job… left at that time I was unemployed… we lost the apartment the first month we got there because she took off and did not pay any rent, once I got my job it was all downhill financially… ended up leaving to move in with my sister… kids were 9 11 13 15… they were devastated, at that time we were married 15 years… she stayed gone and wanted to come back, she came back, showed no signs of remorse, just wanted to move past it…
I told her if we don’t figure it out counseling etc… its going to happen again… sure enough 5 years 1 month from anniversary she stands up in front of me and the kids and says that she has fallen in love with a female coworker this time… kids were grown and totally aware of here we go again mode… they all fell in depression again devastated… her and the woman left, 1 month later they broke up… she jumps in a van with construction workers and left for another state… my daughter found her on facebook at a company party that she was tagged… I called where she worked at she cussed me out… we are all devastated but we have let her go…
I had to go back and remembered that any unfinished business in the childhood that is not dealt with it will revisit in the mid life crisis or rear its head in another form… some people need “choas” in order to function, a good man or a good household oftentimes is foreign to them, of course my wife her biological mother abandoned her at birth, even after adoption the trauma of abandonment was still engrained into her subconscious so to run was all she knew and it came out right around when she 35… midlife and didn’t deal with it and it happened again at 40… she says that she gave up her life for her kids which she didn’t because I taught her how to cook clean and other things as well that her adoptive parents never taught her… I’ve learned a lot through prayer and reading and researching that I was a caretaker. I loved her and still do but I had became codependent, she had everything done and handed even tho she wouldn’t put forth an effort I still made sure things were done…guess the military in me… but if you know you’ve done everything right… know that its not you and that the problem is her and its something we can’t fix… this is a journey for her to take alone… trust me I know your pain.
The kids tell me Dad move on… it definitely takes God separating your spirit from your flesh in order to think rationally… don’t text her don’t call her, leave her alone, trust me… I do not say this with ease because we are protectors and fixers… this is one thing you can’t fix… only God can do it… Wait and read proverbs for comfort and peace of mind… counseling as well… this is your wife, pray for her, be strong for your son… May the Peace of God be given to you.
Roy, your post made me incredibly sad. I’m so sorry that you and your son have to go through this. I’m writing to you as a woman who once did what your wife did to you. My circumstances were a bit different – we had no children and it was just one affair. I ultimately left my husband, who was a kind, loving, supportive man who never did a thing wrong. The thing is, it really WAS me and not him. When a woman has an affair it means that there’s something missing, and not necessarily with you, or even with your relationship. In my case, there was a lot missing in me. I came from a violent, turbulent home where people yelled to get their point across. I was taught that my job was to support others, to never have a voice or an opinion of my own. It created a kind of indignant rage in me that even I wasn’t aware of until I married. My husband came from a kind, gentle home where people believed in family togetherness and did things like have hundred person Thanksgiving dinners at country farmhouses, all wearing the same sweater. I couldn’t cope. I felt like there was no much pressure on me to socialize, conform and just be well, normal. But normal was something I just wasn’t capable of at the time.
Here is what I would suggest for you: think about what you know about your wife. Did she come from a violent home? One in which her voice was never heard? Did you? Is she an introvert while you are an extrovert, or vice versa? The way she acted after the first affair shows that she certainly had enormous guilt over what she did. What she said about never having been alone also sounds authentic. Many women are raised to believe that they’re no one if they’re not supporting a man, and after a while you start to wonder if you’re no one no matter what you’re doing. Sometimes emptiness hurts. In the end, it doesn’t really matter who was right and who was wrong. People always act to protect their own best interests. You’ve forgiven a woman twice for being dishonest and unfaithful to you and your mutual child. You did it because you love her. But it’s time to draw boundaries and use some tough love. It’s not o.k. what she did and you need to tell her that. You may reconcile, and you may not, but in the meanwhile it’s time to get on with your life. Develop a new hobby, meet some new people, visit new places that you never went with her. Talk to other woman and befriend them. Don’t start believing that all women are dishonest and undependable, because they’re not. Broken people do broken things, and unfortunately, there’s usually a lot of fallout for everyone involved. I wish you and your son every happiness in the future.
My wife walked out on my daughter and me a number of years ago. Looking back on it now, we’re both glad that she did. It turns out that she was a horrible mother and person, mainly for reasons I can’t discuss on your forum. Anyway, I can tell you that this random act of abandonment is the single-most selfish thing you can ever possibly impose on your family, and it’s completely unforgivable.
Recently, my wife has been trying to get back in touch with my daughter (who is now 21yo) and myself, stating that she wants to meet with us. I’m sure this is just to make herself feel better. Sadly, neither my daughter nor I want to see her. What would we possibly say to her, or vice versa? Too many years have passed, and neither of us feel like we even know this woman anymore… maybe we never really did?
Anyway, we’re not bitter about her abandonment at this point… we’ve just moved on with our lives. Seeing my ex would simply be too awkward and feels like an imposition, one I want to avoid if possible. My daughter apparently feels the same way.
Thank you, that even ministered to me… my wife did the same as I explained to Roy… I knew something wasn’t right and the kids felt it as well… side hugs no intimacy… no kisses until I researched and she opened up… but never seemed to want to fix it because of guilt and shame of her past… the affairs seemed to fuel her because there was no expectations no intimacy, that was what was in her subconscious how to be because after being molested and raped and rejected as a child it finally came out… she says she is happy and feels like its selfish of us to ask her to come back…but what do I expect when someone else left her for selfish reasons as a child she could only replay the same pattern to her own kids which is sad… because its like she is in a fog and can care less and happy because there is no responsibility.
I often feel bad if I try to date when I know what she is doing… I’m more commited than I think, truly the soul is still connected but it gets better… I enjoyed your post…there are a lot of men experiencing these situations but I noticed that a lot are written from a lot of women demonizing men… little is said if not at all mentioned…thank you for your transparency… more men need to here about your journey because it takes the burden of the self esteem knowing that it may be because of issues that the wife has not dealt with… we men hurt too…thank you so much… for your transparency.
I am the other side to this story. I’ve had a very good life. A 30 year marriage to my high school sweetheart, raised five beautiful kids as well as adding a 12 year old to our family several years ago. An adopted son, from the streets of a dangerous gang, his gang parents in prison for life. He’d been in juvenile prison(federal) himself, now 6 years later a proud high school graduate just beginning college and never another negative encounter. He just needed someone to be accountable to and to love him. I enjoyed a 22 year nursing career, delivering babies. We own several commercial properties and have planned for a good, solid retirement.
My adult kids have become bullies. Anytime I say “no”, to babysitting or all too often asked for financial “help” as they continue poor financial choices. They plan for their next weekend or vacation yet not for expected bills such as auto insurance and taxes. They have chosen to get together and blame mom for any of their disappointments in life. They have begun to threaten me with not seeing my grandkids ” ever again” if I don’t do this or that. Their father can do no wrong, and he is a wonderful man, but I am a wonderful woman, also. My elderly parents and only brother have somehow believed the kids’ “poor me” attitude and accuse me of not being supportive enough. I told my grown daughter, a single mom, that I would continue to pay her car insurance another six months then she needed to plan for it. The six months is up in a few weeks and because she moved into an apartment without writing a budget plan like I encouraged, I’m being accused of turning her out onto the streets. In our marriage, by mutual preference of my husband and I, the finances have been handled by myself while he manages the physical needs of the house and properties. We discuss financial decisions and are always in agreement. Yet, in their eyes, it’s just my decision. These are just a few examples. We have paid for each child to graduate with a degree from community college with the encouragement to apply for financial aid and continue their educations.
My life seems to, in their minds, exist solely to make their lives easier. I am a 50 year old woman, and I deserve a life also. A life that I can make choices and set boundaries.
This latest attack, which occur several times a year, was my last straw. Two years of family discussions have not helped. They all agree they are being unfair to mom and that mom does a lot for them. They apologize, we discuss each others feelings and in the moment things are better. Time goes on and they all slip back into the mom blame game.
I left last week. Left my phone, my things and took a few changes of clothes. My note explained that I’m sorry, I have to leave and honestly don’t have any idea when I’ll be back. That I’ve never been so sad, my husband has seen my silent tears. That I am not okay now but I will be.
It’s been a week, I still have not found anything to be hopeful about, other that I do want to feel hope again. That in itself tells me I have a glimmer of hope down deep and I must figure out how to make it grow. I’m attending a new church in a strange town I’m traveling through. I will seek out the pastor’s ear.
Where this goes from here, I have no idea. I’m not getting on any social media, haven’t spoken to my family, and don’t know when I will. I need to feel hope again, let go of my anger and feel whole again. I will go back, at the least to more formally tie up loose ends. Maybe to set boundaries and live the life I didn’t quite imagine, but with my husband. I don’t know. I ask people who haven’t walked in these shoes, or anyone’s, to not judge. We have a natural instinct to want to survive and that’s what I’m doing. My father committed suicide and I will not do that. This isn’t much kinder now, to my family, but it’s where I am right now. Please pray, or send positive vibes, to my family and to myself. I’m not an awful mother, I’m not an awful person. I’m kind, generous, hard working and level headed. I’m Sad, very, very sad.
I really feel for u, I’m so sorry that u are going though this, I too have children that do stuff like that to me, I give u a lot of credit to be able to leave to try and figure things out, u are doing what’s right for u, I really hope it all works out, and I can see from your story that u are a strong woman and u deserve to be happy. Good luck with your new life.
Dear “Mom” – Your post was a long time ago so you may never see this. I am so grateful for your post I have been suffering so much from my own deep pain, from my husband and now children’s rejection and cruelty. I have been a devoted and loving mother for the last 18 years, I have given all my heart to my husband of 28 years and now as adults he and they treat me with disrespect and neglect. Sadly people do not cherish what is precious in their life until it is gone. They think it’s funny to be sarcastic and taunt me, always saying they are joking, over and over even after telling them their actions are hurtful to me. I will leave first and struggle to create a life that is simple and kind. I just wanted you to know that I was grateful to know that you were out there, I think the people when they are deep-feelers and that they give so abundantly, perhaps co-dependent even, people can’t understand what it feels like to realize that all the love you gave was just being gobbled up by selfish people who never intended to love you back when you are down on your knees. I have spent my whole life supporting people, thinking of their needs and what would help them be happier… maybe this is just a process that we need to go with through.
I hope that your life has been beautiful and I wish that I had had a mother like you who supported me through college or at all in my life. Sending you love and prayers for peace. Xx
Dear simple heart. Yes I feel your words… I lived them. I was taunted by my once wonderful son, because his father taught him to hate me. They tried to destroy me & ran me out of my own home in 2010. The evil that my ex did will be addressed by God alone. Still, for my son’s sake, I now visit cheerfully once a week & pretend I’m fine. (I stayed away for the first 2 years after I left though, & was happier without them both). But my son’s happiness is more important than mine, so I am polite to his father &as positive as possible when I visit my son. Its worthwhile work to me.
I am a walkaway wife. (Almost 8 yrs ago it was over, but it started with an overwhelming desire to get away). It only took a year to go from dreaming about my own place…to having it. I’m sure I fit the profile of a typical walkaway wife. I felt it was hopeless & he would never hear me, because he just didn’t want to. I had only a desire to survive, to start over. It was simply too late to do anything to save my 22 yr marriage. I knew I was a joke to him. So much of me was already dead because he didn’t care. I’m glad I left, even though I’m still alone. I can breathe now.