When I was a child, distant cousins on my mother’s side served as my earliest example of a married couple living apart. He made his residence in the north; she lived in the south; they led separate lives.
Some might consider this an untenable relationship limbo, whereas others find it an agreeable solution, given their circumstances.
My reaction at age 20?
I found it curious, but basically shrug-worthy. My world view centered on college life at the time. As for the rest, adults were single or married, and whatever else people wanted to do was their business.
Living Arrangements Vary
At 30, on the sidelines of my parents’ midlife breakup, listening to a barrage of belittling remarks about my father, I would’ve preferred my parents had found some alternative to a bitter divorce. Whatever it was that they were going through — I wanted no part of it. Nonetheless, as yet unmarried, my spectrum of relationship categories had evolved to include separated, divorced, and widowed.
Given the animosity that persisted following my parents’ divorce, no doubt part of my decision to remain single for years, the unconventional arrangement of my mother’s cousins sounded pretty damn good. She had her life and he had his. There was no family drama or financial devastation. And, to the best of my recollection, they reconfigured their living situation after their kids were raised.
By the time I was 40, I was married with two very young children, caught in the blur of mothering and working full-time. Little did I know that I would be facing my own marital challenges (and breakup) in a few short years.
Nor could I have imagined that as a last resort, I would propose precisely the sort of arrangement of remaining married but living apart that my cousins had settled on. I was desperate to hang on to my marriage (hoping someday for repair), willing to accept my spouse’s ability to do as he pleased and live where he pleased, and an indefinite separation seemed preferable to the finality of terminating the marriage.
Relationship Options
In a recent relationship discussion in which I participated, this variation on marriage came up. In defense of my position that such an arrangement has advantages, I offer this article, courtesy of The New York Times: Why Divorce? Just Stay Separated.
Featuring several examples — among them, financier Warren Buffett and artist Willem de Kooning — the upside of long-term separation includes the inherent social acceptance of remaining Mr. and Mrs., insurance benefits, shared history, less money hassle, and more.
Additionally, the article points out that we accept vile behaviors in long, drawn-out divorces, and yet:
… couples who stubbornly remain separated, sometimes for years? That leaves us dumbfounded.
Moreover,
Divorce lawyers and marriage therapists say that for most couples, the motivation to remain married is financial.
That sounds like a pretty good reason to me – especially if children are grown, and no one is in a relationship in which they feel compelled to remarry.
What Is Legal Separation?
About.com’s article on legal separation versus divorce provides helpful and substantive detail on what separation involves. Critical to the discussion, we are reminded that state law governs marital status as well as a variety of our rights and obligations.
For example:
a legal separation does not put an end to the marriage, it enables you to live separately but remain married. During the time you are living apart, you have a court order that outlines the rights and responsibilities of each spouse.
That court order may outline spousal support, child support, and other financial matters. (Note that if you’re considering separation, this is an excellent resource.)
Note too that legal separation may not be an option in your state.
What Is Relationship Limbo?
The notion of relationship limbo can be applied in several contexts. For example, one or both individuals involved feels vaguely dissatisfied with their current status. Maybe he feels like he loves more and expresses it openly, and he would like his partner to be more committed and more demonstrative.
Maybe she wishes to cohabit, but he thinks it’s time they marry. He may be ready for what society considers a full-fledged commitment — a matter of his personal beliefs, family pressures, or even the advantages of the male marriage premium in the workplace.
Perhaps the couple is entertaining a scenario I describe as an indefinite engagement — he slips a ring on her finger with a promise to wed, but no date is set, and both are content to leave it at that.
Yet one more option might be the indefinite separation that I have described — two people living their lives apart, but retaining the advantages of legal marriage. And in the case of either the indefinite engagement or indefinite separation, this may suit the individuals themselves, though friends and family may voice their discomfort. Or, as The Times article notes, find themselves “dumbfounded.”
The Same Relationship Page at the Same Time
Relationships are complicated enough on their own, and relationship status is fraught with social, political, economic, religious and of course, psychological weight. I wish we could alleviate at least some of these burdens.
The key may be to find oneself on the same page at the same time as the person in your life — certainly not a given. Age, experience, family and cultural background will impact our partner choices and subsequent living arrangements, and external circumstances will play their role as well. We want what we are raised to want — marriage for most of us — though as the years pass, we may ask ourselves: why must we marry?
Likewise, shouldn’t we be able to say: why must we divorce?
We may be happy to love one another while living apart and single, happy to cohabit with no desire to legally tie the knot, happy to get engaged with no need to wed in the near future, delighted to marry purely for ourselves or for social, professional, and financial advantages, or we may be satisfied with the arrangement of a long-term separation.
What Makes Sense?
Divorce, of course, can be dramatic — and traumatic — for both the children and the adults involved. Too often only one party wishes the marriage to end, yet ultimately the other has little say in the matter. Or, divorce may truly be the best and even the only solution; we get through it and move forward. My caveat: It is critical that we consider children in the mix; I believe that our responsibility as parents is to honor their needs to the best of our ability.
We could debate these issues from many angles, all the while knowing that limbo is part of life in a hundred different ways. The more we feel whole as individuals, and carry that sense of self into any partnership, perhaps then we will stand up for where we are and what suits us — without needing to push, withdraw, or apologize.
As for my distant cousins, I understand now that they did what made sense for their family. What many may view as relationship no man’s land — not quite single, not quite married — must have offered exactly the advantages they desired.
To my mind, the most advantageous of all would be to cease judging others by the presence or absence of a ring, and to stop designating marriage or remarriage as the most significant measure of a life worth living.
You May Also Enjoy
My parents lived separately for the last 15 years of my Dad’s life. I don’t know what actual agreement they reached but there were advantages for both. My dad paid what he could, a small allowance to Mom to live on. She stayed in their house which was paid for. He moved into a number of apartments with various girlfriends but finally ended up moving in with me in his parents house (also paid off) and he died there. When he was forced into early retirement and could barely make ends meet, I supported Mom until he collected social security; he paid me back in full. When he died, aged 70, Mom collected on his social security and had more money than she knew what to do with (she didn’t run a car, rarely went out, had inexpensive hobbies, wasn’t interested in clothes – or men either) for the 18 months until her death (71).
When my Dad’s emphysema took a bad turn, she offered to take him back in and to care for him, though she was already caring for her elderly mother (who outlived her by two months). My Dad declined. I figured my mom had a kind of financial security (between my Dad and me) and he had ‘insurance’ against getting married again – he was already married. It suited me fine as I didn’t have to worry about a step-parent getting involved; as an only child I inherited both houses. They were both 55 when they separated. He died on what would have been their 44th wedding anniversary, Mom died the day after my 34th birthday. It was the second marriage for both of them after very short first marriages (about a year I think).
I think they each regretted the failure of the marriage but took some solace in the fact that it still existed. It’s a strange compromise, but at 58 given the same option I might go for it.
Thank you for sharing your parents’ story, Shelley. It may not be conventional, but it sounds respectful, calm, and with advantages on both sides. I see the wisdom in it, rather than undertaking what could have been far greater logistical and financial disruption by legally terminating the marriage.
“To my mind, the most advantageous of all would be to cease judging others by the presence or absence of a ring, and to stop designating marriage or remarriage as the most significant measure of a life worth living.”
Couldn’t agree more, DA! Why can’t we simply respect and honor the many ways in which people can maintain healthy relationships, and embrace Choice… Sometimes couples make better friends than housemates, and find that their association thrives in an entirely different, yet measurable and rewarding way… Hope you’re warm and well! 🙂
I have been hanging on to your article about sacrifice and read it again and again because it would simply not leave me alone. A living arrangement as you described would suit me just fine as I will never marry again. I agree that the children’s needs do take precedence over everything, but once they are on their own, one ought to be entitled to a bit of happiness.
I understand on all points, Cornelia. Nice to hear from you.
This article made me think about my current situation. I was divorced last year after 31 years of marriage. About 10 of those were happy years. I was raised as a Christian; with beliefs like “wait until marriage to have sex” and “until death do you part” and all that. Never in a million years would I have imagined I’d find myself in this place in life at my age.
What I mean by that is this; In the 30 years since my wedding day, my views have changed quite dramatically. Part of that is just life experience. The other part is being the cliche’ “last to know” where my ex’s affair was concerned. For all intents and purposes, I’ve been living separated from him for nearly two years. Since then, I’ve found myself more and more comfortable with the thought of never dating, never searching, and never wanting to. That’s shocking to me.
It’s not so shocking that I don’t want to seek a relationship – it’s that I don’t want to, want to. I hope that makes sense. I can’t say I’m totally happy being alone, and that’s what makes it even more intriguing to me. I’m a writer and yet, I can’t seem to put words to it. I just want to be where I am. I don’t want to define it and I certainly don’t want anyone else to define it. To use “limbo” implies that some day I’ll celebrate not being in limbo anymore. That’s not what this is. This is just where I am. It may change. It may remain the same. I don’t know.
What I do know is this is what I want, not in an “I’m happy with things the way they are” way. And not even in a “content” way. I guess it just feels right to be where I am and the more I live it, the more I create in it (in my “new”house, my garden, my social life), the more right it feels. So, that’s where I am. Clear as mud? LOL