My ex-husband said the words, I love you, but he said them mechanically as he had for years. He didn’t mean them.
I’m certain I’m not the only woman who’s survived this source of sadness.
I dated men who said the words too quickly, and I dismissed them – the men and their declarations. Feigning love to get a woman into bed is silly, and convincing yourself you’re in love after a day or a week, even more so.
But this man?
I found myself in uncharted territory.
That we loved each other was plain to see, that we allowed time to meander surely assisted, and that the beginning of our affair was inexpressibly romantic still remains a truth I hold dear. I was living the sort of courtship that I adored – his elegant words laid to paper and email, touch that was tender and sensual, exchanges that alternated between bubbly banter and confidences shared in the quiet.
And the kissing? Oh, it was heady, dizzying stuff; “head over heels” sealed with the impeccable impression of lips.
Yet we took our time, even as “amour fou” expressed what we were both feeling. I might add a few other words. Try glowing, beaming, blissful… I couldn’t have cared less if it lasted; I was in the haze, the bloom, and the relief that I could feel again.
Falling in Love After Divorce
This was a special relationship. He was the first man I loved after my divorce some five years before, and I was fragile, breakable even. Falling in love after divorce may be easier for some than others; trusting it, for me, was terribly difficult.
Yet the nature of our communications, his lack of guile, his romantic history – all of this was reassuring. And I know I was the first woman he’d loved in a decade or more. His family confided in me. They were happy to see us together. Perhaps he was fragile, too.
As things heated up between us and moved into more serious territory – discussions of the future when my boys were older, of how we would be as the years went on – I was pleased that we could talk about nearly anything. I say nearly, because there are always realms in which you sense that a person is reticent. You circle around old hurts, insecurities, deep-seated fears. You respect the distance if you sense there are walls. You broach topics gingerly, and feel your way to an understanding of how much he is willing to say.
Many months into the relationship, I grew bolder on the topic of love. He had already said to me several times, “You love me, don’t you,” to which I would nod or respond with a simple yes. He always smiled afterward, offered nothing more, and yet everything in his behavior told me he felt the same. At one point when he posed the question, I answered “yes, I love you.”
After a while, though I wanted to hear the words, I knew I didn’t need to hear them. But the fact that he couldn’t say them? I wanted to know why.
Why Men Can’t Say I Love You
One day I asked him point blank: “Do you love me?”
He nodded in the affirmative.
“Then why don’t you tell me? Why can’t you say the words?”
I tried to suss out the possible reasons, and came up with the usual suspects:
- He was badly hurt in a prior relationship
- He didn’t want to give over power or control in speaking the words
- He was afraid of what they might mean – for him
- He was afraid I might expect a commitment he didn’t want to make
- He didn’t love me after all
But here’s the strange part. If I asked “Do you love me?” then he could say yes, but he wouldn’t or couldn’t say the words themselves. In fact, he couldn’t remember ever saying the words to anyone – not his mother, whom he checked on weekly; not his siblings, also in their forties as was he; not any other woman before me, and there had only been a few.
Nor was he emotionally unavailable in any way except this.
I never did receive a satisfactory explanation to this obvious psychological block. And I didn’t insist. His actions were enough, the way he was with me and my children told me a great deal, we were happy in our present, and at the time, that was a gift.
Signs He Loves You Though He Doesn’t Say the Words
It’s easy to find articles on “7 Signs He Loves You” or “Signs You’re in Love.” They contain the usual “proof” that women look for when they want to know where they stand in a relationship. For example,
- He truly listens to what you have to say
- He observes and pays attention to what you need and want
- He treats you with caring and consideration
- You are a priority, perhaps “the” priority (unless there are children)
- You’re making love, not having sex
- You’re the only woman in his life – and you know it
- He integrates you into his life – with friends and family
I rarely look at this sort of article any longer, not only because I’m in a relationship, but because I’m of the “assume he’s not that into you” school unless he clearly demonstrates otherwise.
I was never driven by the need to be married, by the desire to be paired in a couple above all else, or by the more stereotypical assumptions regarding women and relationships. Moreover, I much preferred the slow pace of constructing connection, the certainty of my lover’s devotion by virtue of his actions, and the clarity of our mutual caring over those who drop the L word after two weeks but disappear from your life a month later.
As for the man I cherished, though I was sure of his feelings, in this one regard he remained a puzzle.
Saying Goodbye to I Love You
The man in question? I had gotten to know his siblings. One was married and the other, newly divorced, with a girlfriend he loved and to whom he said the words. I had met his mother – a warm, gracious, respectful woman. She was widowed, independent, and we got along well.
I never found out the reason that her son couldn’t say I love you, though I suspect there was something in his childhood that he couldn’t articulate or didn’t remember. Being more of the “show don’t tell” school anyway, I let it go. He treated me wonderfully. He was patient and caring with my kids. He was also capable of sharing my silence, my need for silence, and that I realize to this day is rare – and something I need.
I knew that he loved me. I accepted that he couldn’t say the words. And what eventually ended us had nothing to do with their explicit absence, but rather with other differences that we couldn’t resolve.
Although I remember him – and us – with great fondness, I am relieved when I am in a relationship in which there is no such obstacle, and no hesitation in expressing affection, commitment, trust, respect, desire, delight, admiration and That Thing Called Love.
With or without “I love you,” it’s glorious to know you’re in a partnership in which the breadth of feelings that connect us profoundly exist. Perhaps we should listen for and observe those sentiments, and put less store in those catch-all three little words.
You May Also Enjoy
My dating after divorce experiences with men often included these reasons you shared with us:
*He was afraid of what they might mean – for him
*He was afraid I might expect a commitment he didn’t want to make
After experiencing several 4-6 month relationships that didn’t lead to a more meaningful commitment, I’ve decided to take a long break from dating to allow myself time to focus on other parts of my life and avoid being emotionally hurt and disappointed.
I think those breaks from dating are really important, Nancy Kay. They keep us sane, and in a way, they “cleanse the palate” for someone new we might meet. During those periods of time, we can get better acquainted with ourselves, too. And that’s helpful in every aspect of life, don’t you think?
I like your bullets and I think your approach makes a lot of sense.
She had cancer; I was married. Being close was enough. But I sometimes wonder about it.
I put little announcements into the obit section of the newspaper, most recently March 26 Lynchburg News & Advance Pat, Fifteen Years, I love you, Paul
Those are the only times. What it was, was enough (or the most we could handle). I don’t think her children even remember what day she died.
I tell Fran I love her, all the time. She says the same to me. It’s good. Doesn’t mean life is always easy for us, but that love is always.
So lovely to hear from you, Paul. I hope you and Fran are welcoming the new year in good health and happiness.
This article is amazing. This is what I’m experiencing in my current relationship. Thank you for making me not feel alone. He says “Yes” when I say “I love you”.
May I ask you if things are still the same for you now?
No, things are not the same. I met someone when I least expected it who has no problem saying the words. More importantly, he has no issues with living them in very tangible, seemingly “ordinary” ways. He is entirely himself with me, and allows me to be myself with him. It isn’t perfect, we have our issues, we clash on certain things — like all couples. But I am also not about conventional arrangements or “futures” at this stage. What I care about is someone real, not an idealized version of him, myself, or some shined-up-for-others unit we call “us.”
I googled an article on how to be with a man that doesn’t know how to say the words I love you. After having been married for 25 years at age 17 and divorcing in 2006, this is the first man I have felt deep love for. He has been single for 25 years and raised one daughter on his own. I know that he loves me and he has even initiated saying I love you on a couple of occasions. But recently he told me he does it because he feels obligated to say it or that I make him feel guilty when I say I love you to him and he feels like he has to respond.
This absolutely breaks my heart. Explain to me – he does not even say I love you to his own daughter, he does not say it to his parents. It’s just not part of his vocabulary yet he has said it to me.
I feel myself pulling away from him because my very spirit and soul have the need to hear the words I love you. My mind is battling with walking away from this relationship over these three words. We see each other only on extended weekend and when we are together I have no doubt that we love each other. I just need more. Any advice???
Such a big topic, Debbie. Your needs and his needs are colliding on this one. I had a husband who said the words, but I’m certain he hadn’t meant them in many many years; they were an automatic response mechanism to keep everything pleasant between us. (I’m guessing none of us would choose “I love you” on auto-pilot.)
I’m guessing we’re also around the same age; I get how hard it is to be vulnerable after marriage and divorce, and the need for love is much more complex than affection, admiration, friendship, attraction (already a lot, don’t you think?)… It is for validation of our worth as people and as women, more pronounced in some circumstances depending upon the nature of the divorce, how we felt about ourselves in the marriage, our self-esteem in general, and so on.
Obviously, Debbie, I don’t know you, and I’m not a counselor. But are you pulling away over those three words, really? Or the something “more” you need that you aren’t getting, some need in you that you haven’t yet thought through, or sensing some walls in him that ultimately pose some challenges?
As for the man I was with who couldn’t say the words, I loved him deeply and I didn’t doubt his feelings for me. What I saw was some impenetrable wall that didn’t have to do with me or us, but I did fear for what it might mean down the line. I wanted to hear the words, but I didn’t need to hear them. I think it is entirely possible to love someone deeply and not say “I love you,” but to rely on that to build a future, I know I would want to let a good amount of time go by. I would want to share at least three or four years together of ups and downs before committing myself again.
But that’s me.
And while the lack of “I love you” from the man who couldn’t say it was a factor in my ending the relationship, it wasn’t the deciding factor. Other issues were far more important and loomed as challenges I didn’t think we could overcome.
A few of these posts hit close to home. I’m in a relationship of 3 years now, not once has the gentlemen I’ve been seeing verbally said he loves me, although he has unprompted to text “I love you”, this was only when he was on business trips.
The text was able to satisfy the need of wanting to hear I love you for a few months, but now the satisfaction is gone. I know he has a hard time verbally expressing how he feels. This is a reoccurring theme long before me.
We get along great, have common interests and I’ve even grown to enjoy some of the “guy” things he enjoys. The thing is, I thought I knew he loved me, but as of late I have doubts. I’m not sure if it’s because he can’t verbally express himself, or if it’s something else. I guess you could say I’m sort of stuck in the middle of the road here. We live together and these past few days I’ve found myself looking for an apartment.
It sounds stupid and almost childish, but I need to hear and not for just confirmation but because everything inside of me craves those three little words… I Love You.
I am struggling with the similar situation. I divorced my husband 4 years ago after 10 years of marriage and realized I have never been on my own so didn’t see myself in a long term relationship for awhile. However right after my divorce I met a guy (much younger then me) and we started to hang out with each other but both of us were seeing other people. A 1 yr 1/2 into that I started to feel a lot more from him and when I told him I wanted more he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship and ended things.
After 6 months we ran back into each other and started hanging out again and after a few month of hanging out we decided to try the dating thing. He finally met my 2 children and I met his family, we have taken several family trips with both sides of our families. He has only been in one other serious relationship (high school) and he told me that he would never tell me he loves me as his ex cheated, his father left him when he was young, and he was hurt by his brother, so needless to say everyone that he has loved has hurt him in one way or another.
We have now been officially dating for 1 1/2 years (been on and off for 4 1/2 years) and he still won’t tell me he loves me. When a friend asked if he loved me his responses was “I can’t answer that”. He tells me he cares for me and hasn’t been this close to anyone but I still don’t know if he actually loves me and just can’t say the words, or if he truly doesn’t love me.
He is leaving in a few months for a vagabonding trip to “find himself” to Chile. I would never hold him back from doing something he has always wanted to do but have so many mixed feelings about where we stand in our relationship and where we go from here.