We’re entering the giving season, that time of year when we exchange tokens of our affection and friendship. It’s also the time of year that nonprofits begin soliciting for their causes. We are asked to donate. To make a difference.
I am a fan of giving. Who doesn’t enjoy making a friend or loved one smile? And don’t we all feel good when we write a check or type out a credit card number to help fund medical research or swell the coffers of our alma mater?
The issues around giving are fascinating. Not only is this because generosity (especially when we least expect it) can be an incredible psychological boost to both giver and receiver, but because the mix of motivations is so varied.
We give our time and skills to those we believe won’t abuse them, and better yet, who will appreciate them. If we give away too much, we grow resentful. This is true of money and also, our time, our knowledge, our efforts, and our trust.
What happens when the generous spirit is overtaxed or under-appreciated? What if friends, family members, employers, and even the public push their taking too far? Don’t we find we need to set some boundaries? Do some of us stop our giving altogether?
When Friends (and Lovers) Take Too Much
I recall a charismatic friend who could charm anyone, male or female. She was brimming with the “it” factor – sparkling personality, radiant face, body language that was warm and sexy at the same time. When she asked for something, it was nearly impossible to say no.
She worked hard, she was raising kids as a single mother, and she seemed to be on an upward trajectory professionally which, in itself, was a positive influence on others. She exuded an attitude of “we can do it no matter what,” and when she requested assistance (as she did often), she was used to getting an unequivocal yes.
As the years went on, being her friend became more draining. The taking – however beautifully framed – was rarely reciprocated. Eventually I wised up and with difficulty, began saying no. The friendship evaporated quickly. That in itself told me a great deal.
I’ve had similar situations with romantic relationships, and for that matter, my marriage. As a people pleaser, my tendency was to over-give, and consequently, set myself up to be taken.
Charitable Giving?
I don’t care for the word “charity.” It conjures a sort of hierarchical structure that seems medieval in which the giver feels superior (and potentially safely detached), while the receiver is left feeling “lesser” as a result of the kindness of others.
We could also debate whether “the kindness of others” is an accurate phrase. Social conscience may be dictating that we donate; tax deductions may be the prevailing factor; peer pressure (in certain circles) may be at the origin of our actions.
Frankly, I like the words “helping out.” Isn’t helping the very foundation of Judeo-Christian values? Then again, many of us are comfortable helping out with a few checks this time of year, but living it is more of a struggle.
Giving What You Can
Years ago, when my corporate included a regular salary and benefits (health care, disability, paid days off, life insurance – my, how we take those things for granted) – I routinely wrote checks to several organizations, as well as to my college. It wasn’t so much an act of feeling good about myself as it living by the principles I was raised to act on.
It was about helping and paying it forward.
I attended an expensive college on scholarships as well as loans. Those scholarships were essential, so putting funds back into the bucket that was vital to me as a student seemed only logical. A thank you, and paying it forward.
In the past years, like millions of others with a far less secure financial position, I can no longer write a check quite so freely during the giving season. But that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped writing checks at all.
Giving is the Best Cure for Not Having
Recently, I received a phone call from a student fundraiser at my son’s university. Not long before, I received a phone call from my own undergraduate institution. Clearly, the “giving season” is well underway.
Even during the hardest years I managed a small donation to my college. I could ill afford it, but writing that check made me feel hopeful, and reminded me what it was like to be 18 or 20 and grateful for scholarship dollars. I was also reminded that I had my health and my sons and a roof over our heads. That’s much to be grateful for.
Like last year, I pledged a modest amount to my son’s university, half of which will go into the very pot that enables him and others to attend school. I’m paying it forward. I’m saying thank you. In this case, a personal connection is a tangible element of my motivation.
The Psychology of Giving
Healthland had an interesting article not too long ago on “The Selfish Reasons Behind Why We Give.” Citing research on our periodic acts of generosity:
… researchers found that people are more likely to give when they think it will make them feel better. They donate, for example, when they feel hope about putting smiles on those expectant and suffering faces. And that hope, or similar feel-good sensations, are driven by the brain’s reward systems.
The study relied on 22 individuals, which is hardly a representative sample. But the premise is an interesting one, and will likely ring true for many of us.
We feel good when we give. We may also feel guilty about our own good fortune – especially when presented with any form of suffering – and so we give to relieve that discomfort. We may also experience a dose of “it could happen to me,” which seems sensible in a volatile world where little is a “given.”
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Very thought provoking. Lately, I have been struck with how much need there is around me. I would love to give to help so many people I know are in need. One day, I stood in the grocery line behind a wounded warrior and his family…I so wished I could have leaned over and paid for all of their groceries. But, I also have family members in need, so for now, I have decided to make sure I assist with the family needs. It becomes really hard to say no and turn away. That has been the most difficult part for me just lately. I agree that personal joy also comes from giving and sharing with others.
Our finances are tight right now, especially as I am still trying to pay off surgery bills from last year and our healthcare premiums have tripled for 2014. I’ve given in the past to my (our) college as well, for the same reasons you cited. I also try to give back to my high school, which is virtually all immigrant and working class kids hoping to have a shot at college. But in times like these I am filtering everything out and just giving to my son’s school, at the moment, and even there I am being selective about which of their dozens of fundraisers per year to give to. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the solicitations from non-profits to alma matres to Boy and Girl Scouts in the neighborhood. It is always hard for me to say no to the kids who come by but I need to draw the line somewhere.
Holiday gifts are even harder because they’re so much more loaded. The two people I don’t skimp on no matter what are my parents. God knows they’ve given me so much, so I find a way. But I have an old friend who sends gifts instead of being available emotionally. She is so generous to my son each and every year, but when it comes to needing someone to talk to, she isn’t really very responsive. “How’s the weather?” type conversations – fine, but not the grittier life stuff. This has been hurtful, because we were so, so close for so many years. She’s busy with her own family and that’s consuming her and I get that, and I’m willing to step back and give her her space. But I just feel uncomfortable reciprocating with gifts because to me it feels like buying friendship.
(Sorry to have been out of touch!)
Or, maybe not “buying friendship” but taking the lazy way out of being a friend…so much easier to order something on-line to keep a friendship alive than to make time in your schedule to listen. I don’t know, am I expecting too much? Should I be grateful she is trying to keep me in her life despite how busy she is?
How I appreciate all of these words. Especially about the “users” of others.
Happy weekend, precious friend…
And a wonderful weekend to you, too, Marsha! 🙂
The holidays always bring this concept to the forefront of our attention. We each need to assess what we can give (financially, physically and emotionally) and understand there will always be people in need of assistance….year round. Perhaps this is the year we will truly understand that need does not know a particular season…or dollar amount. And whether the motivation is selfless or selfish, it’ll ultimately be between us and our Maker. Excellent reminder going into the holiday hoopla season.
A gentle, wise reminder, BLW. I love what you wrote about the word and concept of “charity.” I have never thought of it as denoting a hierarchy – but you’re right. It is. Paying it forward is a better moniker – as I also believe and have lived through the knowing that we never know when we will need to be on the receiving end – and to be able to receive with dignity is so much kinder.