I tell myself it doesn’t matter, or shouldn’t, but when an old friend tells me I look hot, I brush off the compliment and say “Thank you for being so nice,” as I immediately change the subject.
And he stops me.
“Is it the choice of words?” he says. “Are they jarring?”
It’s not like I ran into him with wacky curlers in my hair or ten-year-old ripped leggings under an oversize shirt. I looked “normal” – jean shorts, a black t-shirt – nothing I would consider embarrassing. And I’m not embarrassed by his comment.
But I dismiss it, interpreting it as a friend’s kindness to perk me up when he knows I’m stressed.
Can You Take a Compliment?
Had this man said I was looking tired since we last bumped into each other, or if I’d noted even the remotest negative tone or remark, I would have hung on to it. I would’ve allowed it to nag at me for days.
It’s also not the first time he’s made the point that my perception of myself is askew, as it is with many women. But hey, isn’t that what old friends are for? To be our mirrors in ways that we need them, when we need them?
Besides, I was convinced he was being pleasant – and funny, as “hot” isn’t a word that’s typically in his vocabulary, and his use of the term made me chuckle.
Yet he’s a true friend, a man who is not given to hyperbole, and one who’s known me through divorce dramas, through illnesses, through worries over kids and money. He’s seen me after terrible weight loss that left me haggard and frail, and weight gain that made me feel utterly unworthy.
He’s an admirable cheering section, yet he’s always been honest.
Why Women Can’t Accept Compliments
So why can’t I accept his compliment? Why now, especially? Why didn’t I simply say “thank you” and leave it at that?
According to an article in Everyday Health, the issue of women struggling to accept compliments is commonplace. Women can’t take compliments for a variety of reasons:
… Many females are taught that they should be modest and humble… They’re worried that accepting praise could make them appear arrogant…
… many women simply believe the kudos is undeserved… [Chalk this up to] “inner body bullies” — self-destructing demons that “tell us we’re not thin enough, we’re not good enough, and not worthy enough to take the compliment.”
Bingo.
False Modesty, or Real Discomfort?
“Why don’t you hear what I say?” my friend asks, unwilling to drop the subject and suddenly very serious.
I’m quiet.
“It’s a compliment. I’m not being nice. I’m expressing my response to you, to your presence, to who you are, to the energy you give off. This is about me, not you. So why can’t you appreciate my impressions and consider them valid?”
He’s a smart guy. He’s got me on that last question.
This is about him, giving credence to his feelings, his reaction.
Old habits die hard, and seem to pop up during periods of stress. My inability to take a compliment has roots in childhood during which my appearance was never good enough, reinforced by a marriage in which I never felt desired, and likely, the signs of aging are pulling at me in ways I’d rather not examine.
The discomfort – and disbelief – when a remark of this sort is extended? I’m certain it’s played out tens of thousands of times a day as women deflect or downplay a genuine compliment.
Hot is in the Eye of the Beholder?
Hot.
The word makes me smile.
I conjure Ryan Gosling, Sean Connery as 007, and a 60-something character actor whose name escapes me, but whose face and body are anything but stereotypically attractive. He’s sexy because of his talent – his performances are nuanced and magnetic.
I’m reminded that what is sexy is a package: one part looks and many parts voice, gesture, attitude, confidence, intelligence, humor, talent – along with the history, experience, preferences and perceptions of the person on the receiving side of the equation.
Thank goodness for friends who not only note our self-sabotaging tics, but reflect them back so we might do something about them.
What is Sexy?
I recently caught a rerun of an episode from Sex and the City, Season 4, in which Miranda is astounded that a good-looking guy at Crunch Fitness finds her “very sexy.” She’s been running on the treadmill, she’s drenched in sweat, and as she tells Carrie on the phone, she “had on no makeup, and was wearing her Hanes three dollar sweats.”
She cannot accept that he finds her attractive, yet when they go on a second date and she puts herself together in what she thinks is hot, he’s no longer interested.
She may feel more confident in her little black dress and eyeliner than she did in workout clothes – I thought she looked great – but he didn’t respond to her in the same way. She was no longer sexy – to him.
Who We See vs. Who We Are
I will not pretend that it isn’t a challenge to look in the mirror and note signs of age. We live in a culture in which the years are used against us, to devalue us, particularly if we’re women.
It’s impossible not to be influenced in some fashion – mobilized perhaps, or demoralized, or in between.
I like to think my mind will remain sexy, my body will retain its responsiveness, my playful side will perk up if and when the stress yields its power of place in my life. I would like to think I am capable of a balance between the feedback of friends and my own more critical assessments – finding a way to see a “whole” self – not just the face or the body.
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I have never appreciated the word “hot” from anyone except my lover. It has an implied sexual connotation that implies intimacy or thoughts thereof. I would much prefer that I look “great,” or “beautiful” or something beyond appearance such as “Your smile is radiant” or “You look like you feel fantastic.” To me, there are so many phrases more descriptive and relevant than, hot. Perhaps it’s just my issue. Would I want my son to describe me as hot? No. Would I want him to describe me as Beautiful? Radiant? Fantastic? Yes!
I understand what you’re saying, Missy June. And generally, I agree completely. In this instance though, this is a person who is practically like family, and I suspect in part he was trying to get a chuckle out of me by his use of that term rather than another like “great,” etc. But you make excellent points about the subtlety of certain words, and who we want to hear them from!
Ms. Wolf, you look hot. Seriously, you’re perspiring. You are working far too much. Why not sit back, relax, and bask in the compliments of your admirers? We do appreciate you even if you have difficulty accepting that. Now with your indulgence… click here. (Sound up but not too loud.)
You are right, Mr. Belle. I am working far too much… 😉
Love this piece, but funny me: I’ve never had a hard time taking a compliment. I think my mother — who was known to preen — showed me how to accept them, in that gracious, Southern way (which is to say “Thank you” genuinely but gently and utter not another word). I also realized over time in my life that I am one of those people who’s “attractive,” which, actually, has nothing to do with my looks. My personality is literally attractive, the way I listen, engage, pay attention, share passion, express enthusiasm. And knowing that my personality is what makes me beautiful, I think, allows me not to get too hung up in it all. I am a person whose weight goes up and down by very large amounts — much more so than is typical — and in a very skinny phase, a friend’s husband said, “You look hot!” I really appreciated it, because he was, in fact, trying to express exactly what Missy June named: That sexually charged word. But when I am heavy, as I am right now, I do know that I possess beauty. Am I one of the lucky ones? Or is it simply that I’m arrogant and have a much larger ego than most women? (Which has been argued to me in the past, by more than one person. *snort*) Very thought-provoking post. Thanks for writing!
I agree with Missy June, and think the friend of the family is subtly(?) signalling that his recognition of you is not completely platonic.
My (female) friend once told me I looked so hot. She’s straight, I’m straight. And yet, I blew it off as well. I thought she meant I looked flushed and red in the face. Being thought of as “hot=good looking” never even crossed my mind.
I started noticing that men AND women both blow off compliments. It’s like we have to level the playing field. Mine? Shoes. If you tell me my hair looks nice or my makeup looks dewy fresh, or you like my top, I immediately glance down and compliment your shoes (or something else if you’re barefoot!). It was so hard to just accept a compliment and say Thank You.
Maybe we don’t want to appear conceited. Or maybe we don’t believe it. Or maybe we feel like we’ve been backed into a corner and just having someone think highly of us is viewed as some sort of control…. I don’t know.
I’ve been working this issue for years. I learned to say thank you and accept the praise. I also learned to offer up a kind word without prompting. Things like, “you’re such a good mom”, “I always feel like you care,” and the very precious “I know I can always count on you”. Even these character compliments get brushed off, just like the physical attribute compliments.
Husband #2 had a hard time taking praise. He didn’t feel worthy. His compliment rebuttal was on his lips before I finished my nice words. In effect, he negated my praise and it seemed like he failed to hear it after a while.
It’s an interesting personal experiment. Hand out those random and sincere compliments and see how quickly they are deflected. And then grab your target person by the shoulders, look deeply into their eyes, and say, “I really mean it”.
Wow.
And, D.A., I admire the creative topics you write about on a daily basis. Your brain must be in overdrive 24/7. 🙂
A friend was telling me about his ex who could never accept a gift. It was very disconcerting for him, which is what I thought of when you mentioned #2 unable to accept a compliment. Putting oneself in the other (giving) position, it must be irritating to say the least…
As for your closing remark, Deja Vow, I will take it as a compliment and… I will simply say thank you. 🙂
Guilty as charged in the graciously taking a compliment area. And I think you bring up a lot of valid points as to why that is. I’m getting better, but it does always take me by surprise. As for your family friend….I think we need to clone the admirable cheering section!
A much younger man told me I was hot about 6 months ago. I shrugged it off and then another guy told me. And it changed my whole outlook on my body. I have started feeling more confident and my whole outlook on my body has changed. I now walk with confidence and dress with confidence. Has changed my life dramatically. Personally I don’t think guy express their opinion enough for fear that it will be taken as a sexual innuendo. I think they should say what they feel – they could be changing someone else’s life too.
Oh may I add my 2 cents too, may I, may I!?
tl;dr version: it’s probably a generation thing as well.
Extended version: my mother suffered from her (socially enhanced) modesty her whole life, and she didn’t want to pass it on to me. she was so successful at that she started questioning my ego eventually 😀 this didn’t help me either, because when you receive mixed signals as a kid, you’re bloody confused; but I managed to come to a spot where I stand in balance, knowing to tell flattery (=somebody wants something from me) from shallow small talk kudos (“darling, looking gorg!”) and real compliments from sweet little white lies by friends who pretend they don’t notice the bad hair day 😉
A few comments above make one reason clear why women struggle at accepting compliments. It’s that part of ultra-feminism that makes them take “hot” – a simple and flattering compliment – as offensive. They don’t want to be “objectified”. They are in denial about the fact that no matter what schools they went to and what jobs they got, to the healthy, heterosexual guy who is looking at them for the first time – they are sex objects first and foremost. It’s not good or bad and it’s not a sign of disrespect. It’s nature.