Is infidelity ever acceptable?
If you love your partner but there’s no sex, is getting it any way you can justified?
If you love your partner but the sex is dreadful, then what?
In remembering an old beau and our lackluster love life, I couldn’t help thinking about people I’ve known over the years, and situations I’ve found myself in. We all make choices, accept compromises, and face consequences… though they may not be what we expect.
Some of the individuals I’m recalling were single, some were married, some were divorced – and the age range is wide. Among the marrieds, most were sexually faithful with one slip and occasionally two – over a very long period of time. A few routinely went outside their marriages, and to my knowledge, were never “found out.”
Their stories are all different. As for my reactions, I’m sympathetic to some of these individuals, and less so to others. I am, like all of us, “judgmental” in my own way.
Get Real. Sustaining Sexual Interest Isn’t Easy.
Before my marriage, I was clueless as to what happens in the bedroom when it comes to long-term couples. The tedium of daily details, the fatigue of managing babies, the stresses of work pressures, the little agonies of changing body image, the slow simmer of relationship resentments – all can potentially destroy desire – for a man, a woman, or both. And we know – though we rarely admit – kids can be hard on marriage, especially if there are other issues degrading the couple’s relationship.
In a way, marriage led me to understand extracurricular activities as I never had before. I understand what it is to live the longing for touch (when it goes MIA), the ache for a renewed sense of self (when you are no longer perceived as a sexual being), and the yearning for something to break the monotony. But longing, aching, and yearning does not necessarily equate to acting on those desires.
That said, my place is not to judge anyone’s relationships except my own. So I ask again: Is infidelity ever okay?
What if you’re in a long-term marriage, you’re the breadwinner, there are kids, and you care for your spouse – but your sex life is a desert? Is it as simple as trying to change the situation, and if you can’t, you break up the family and look elsewhere?
Many would say yes to that. An unequivocal yes. Divorce is the answer and nothing less.
Must a Dead Bedroom Always Lead to Divorce?
Personally, I’m unsure.
- What if one partner tries everything he or she can to encourage the other to participate, and still it’s a no go?
- What if a medical condition makes it impossible for one partner to participate? Should the other do without a sex life indefinitely?
- What if both partners agree that the relationship is acceptable except for the sex, and they mutually decide to be open to others?
- What if the disinterested partner agrees that the one feeling deprived may look elsewhere but discreetly?
- What about sexting, online relationships, happy endings courtesy of a local establishment?
- What about everything except intercourse? Or anything that’s out of town?
- Where does the emotional affair fit in this picture? Staying inside the marriage for sex, but outside for emotional attachment?
- And again, if there are dependent children involved, is it more honorable to stay – or to go?
Naturally, I’m simplifying what are extremely individual and complex situations. My own beliefs are more “open” than many typically express, though beliefs and actions (for myself) remain two different things.
Acceptable Adultery?
I recall a Sex and the City episode in which our protagonist, Carrie, is expressing guilt over cheating on Aiden with her now married ex, Mr. Big. (Yes, television fans, I use fictitious pop culture icons when applicable.)
She was sharing her indiscretion with Samantha, who concludes that if Aiden hasn’t said “I love you,” then Carrie is a free agent.
That’s one way to look at it, but her guilt reveals her true feelings on the matter. Then again, they were not explicitly in a monogamous relationship, though it was reasonable to assume as much at the time.
This Psychology Today article on adultery concludes that it’s not acceptable… except under “extraordinary circumstances” which it then addresses from the vantage point of ethics. The author writes:
we’ll find that adultery is wrong — most of the time… But it might be justified in extraordinary circumstances, which to some people, unfortunately, might be rather ordinary.
As for reasons not to do it – ethics aside?
Infidelity hurts someone you love, and potentially rips an irreparable hole through your life, your kids’ lives, even your community. If you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, how would you feel?
But what if you’re certain your infidelity will never be discovered? Then what?
Is Monogamy Really Possible?
Are we meant to be monogamous? Is it an unnatural state for men? Is it just as unnatural for women?
If our sex lives are fresh, fulfilling, erotically charged – are we less likely to stray?
Some of us believe monogamy is a choice more than a natural state of being. Some of us grow into a greater sense of freedom as time, experience and yes – age – lightens the load of societal expectations.
Personally, I also believe it’s possible to love more than one person at a time, and that it is both enjoyable and “normal” to engage in far more variations of coupling than most of us are willing to admit to – largely because we live in a society that doesn’t condone anything but conventional monogamy. So I say again: Monogamy is a choice.
And on that score, this Atlantic article dishes out interesting data – some of it conflicting – and equally intriguing conclusions on the libidinous female, our learned monogamy, and assumptions about our desires and behavior. In “How Strong is the Female Sex Drive After All,” Emily Esfahani Smith provides perspectives that dispute the “cherished” notion of female monogamy.
She cites Salon‘s Tracy Clark-Flory:
… society’s repression of female sexuality has reshaped women’s desires and sex lives… Bergner, and the leading sex researchers he interviews, argue that women’s sexuality is… base, animalistic and ravenous, everything we’ve told ourselves about male sexuality.”
Our notions of monogamy and appetite are discussed further, including the extent to which female sexual behavior is shaped by society – an intriguing discussion, but hardly a surprise to most of us who are women.
How Couples Handle Life After Affairs
I have cited these statistics before and will again. Statistics Brain references the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (September 2012)
In 41% of marriages:
… one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional…
And –
57 percent of men… admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had…54 percent of women… admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had.
I’ve known couples that agree to turn a blind eye, and continue living together in a respectful and loving fashion. Those I know who have done this had children, a long history together, and the core relationship remained intact. I’ve also known one or two couples go through hell and back, repairing trust after the infidelity of one. Naturally, I’ve known couples where infidelity broke up the marriage.
I’ve seen relationships destroyed unnecessarily over an emotional affair – the affair, like many, a sign of intimacy problems in the couple. Perhaps they can be fixed; perhaps they cannot. My belief is that the couple ought to try – in earnest.
When there are no children involved, terminating a marriage or relationship yields more “contained” repercussions. If it’s not working, my feeling is – get out. But when kids are in the picture? When there’s no abuse? When you hold their future in your hands? My view is very different. I believe in doing everything you can to repair and reconnect. It may not work, but you do the work before you disassemble so many lives.
Lifestyle Arrangements, Individual Preferences
At this time in my life, I cannot imagine being intimate with anyone other than the man I love. How will I feel in a year? I cannot say. I hope – the same.
The thought of him being sexually involved with another woman is abhorrent to me. Oddly, it feels more horrible than that same thought during my 12-year marriage, when I was well aware of the emotional gulf that existed in our quiet home life. I’d say that speaks volumes about the degree of emotional intimacy in my marriage as compared to my current relationship.
When I was younger and unmarried?
I consider my experiences exactly that – “experiences” – and I have no regrets. I also recall what seems to me to be a “French” view of infidelity, which is, certainly in comparison to the American view, more forgiving or perhaps the better word is tolerant.
And I know what men and women allow themselves in their unseen, sometimes ordinary, sometimes extraordinary, sometimes desperate, sometimes exultant moments – moments that may not occur within the boundaries of their primary relationship, and in activities that some would consider infidelity and others would not.
In saying that, I’m proposing nothing. But I am acknowledging the reality that statistics bear out, and the very gray territory – at least to me – of loving others responsibly, of remaining true to our morals and our humanity, and equally – insisting on being masters of our own minds, and certainly, our own bodies.
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You are simply prolific!
B
Well, well, well… If that’s the other Wolff I’m thinking of, delighted that you stopped by to read! And very much hoping you are well, well, well… 😉
How wonderful it must feel to know just how much you regularly inspire your readers D A.
Mr. Wolff… Drop me a line and let me know how you are!
I learned a new word the other day.
Wikipedia: Compersion
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents’ pride in their children’s accomplishments or one’s own excitement for friends’ and others’ successes. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.
Is monogamy a social construct? Okay, is our modern view of monogamy a social construct? Is the idea that sex is the ultimate betrayal completely ignoring sex not as optional, but as more of a physical need and hence mandatory? The collective we starts with this traditional view of marriage and relationships. Anything else is a betrayal. How compersive are we? How open and honest are we both with our partners and very importantly with ourselves?
I’m not proposing we all start having sex with one another. I’m not advocating free love all around. But there is something very, very wrong here and I don’t believe that the collective we has figured it out yet.
BLW, this is so interesting. I don’t know that I have answers, well, I know I don’t. But coming up to 13 years of marriage I do have a bit more perspective now, and I see people all around me making personal decisions that may or may not make sense to those not in the situation. One thing I’m sure of is that we can never know what happens within a marriage, and every single one is different. xox
Lovely to hear from you, Lindsey. And that last statement nails it… No one should judge; marriage is very private, and little that takes place is black and white.
Lindsey you are so correct. Since separated and divorced I seem to be the local Oprah – everyone likes to talk to me. I have learned of abuse where I never suspected it. I learned of a perfect marriage of 24 years where the wife walked away and I assumed she was just off to find herself, but apparently there was no sex for 18 years. So we never know what happens behind closed doors.
Consenting and informed adults should be able to do what they want. That said the word by definition involves a violation of an agreement between partners or a relationship norm. Hence by definition it is not to be condoned. If the relationship is done move on. Affairs to keep a marriage together for the children does not consider the effect on the children of an acrimonious divorce resulting from an affair. Hence the options become fix the relationship, do not engage in infidelity or move on.
Any action can be rationalized, justified, or supported especially in the current narcissistic and self indulgent time we find ourselves. The reality is some things are not “okay” and contrary to the notion of “do no harm.”
I understand the thought that all avenues should be exhausted when children are involved, absent abuse. I think there are lots of reasons that this should not happen or necessarily happen, even when children are involved, and may depend on one’s definition of abuse:
1) alcoholism, drug abuse, etc
2) mental health issues
3) serial cheater, especially is multiple, over years, both genders, etc
4) mental or physical abuse (this is person specific)
5) infidelity with persons where it just cannot be overcome, e.g. sister/brother, etc
6) criminal acts relating thereto that may have effects on the non criminal spouse or children
7) porn books, movies, website etc by one partner that keeps the issues of infidelity alive,
8) other issues where staying is worse for the kids than to go.
Then again the refrain oft heard of “the kids will be happy if the parents are happy” should make everything alright
Gray matter. Gray material. Gray in all its shades. In marriage – amen to the fact that things aren’t always black and white – and we absolutely don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. No one outside the marriage – and sometimes not even both parties in the marriage – know the whole picture.
I think whatever works for the couple as long as it is known. Sneaking around and having an affair is not real life but living in a fantasy world if it is not known by the partner. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. I say if you are unhappy you must speak it out loud and then decide what both want to do about it if in a marriage or relationship. Cheating is leaving a lot out for the other person. Get real and tell the truth.
What we “see” is only a fraction of the truth. That is true of individuals and of marriages. No one really knows the full story of a marriage from the outside. And sometimes the marital parties are also struggling to figure out what story they want to tell.
I’ve never put into words that I have a marriage where the sex ended soon after the marriage. I’ve talked about it with my husband of course. His answer is there is no problem, but there is a problem. Because of the way I have been treated I have felt fat, old, unwanted and unloved. I have gained a bit of weight due to menopause and stopping smoking. But I am working on taking that weight off and making myself feel better, mentally and physically. And when I am at that point, I will find someone to have an affair with. At this point in time I can’t say whether I will leave the marriage or not. However, I do know I will find someone who wants and enjoys satisfying me. I may be close to 60, but my needs are the same they were when I was 30. At that age I had figured out exactly what I wanted and liked! I have been without for 12 yrs, it will not be another 12 yrs. I want and have to have those fireworks again! Thank you for your articles Ms. Wolf. You write my heart!
Infidelity was never acceptable for the couples married with love and affection – men cheat more than women due to freedom of expenses and decision. So women should keep an eye on their men’s activities esp. cell phones which are a major source of communications. And, spy application can help them – they can save their marriage and remove suspicions.
Wow. I just don’t know what to say… I personally believe that infidelity is NEVER OK. Sure, you haven’t had sex in 20 years, then for God’s sake, go find a new partner and break up with your current one. Otherwise you’re hurting yourself and the people around you. I just found out my dad is cheating on his wife. It broke my heart. And the reason was sex! I’m asexual, and I’m terrified of getting in a relationship because apparently it doesn’t matter if you had a good life together, kids, dreams, accomplishments, if there is no sex then it’s over. What the heck??
Thanks for this article, I found it very helpful and reassuring. I must admit I never recovered from the loss of my first GF who idolised me and loved every bit of me – sadly we didn’t marry for societal reasons.
I married for love a few years later and the magic wore off in 2 years – we are just different people and I don’t feel as loved or desired at all. Sex is very occasional and strictly limited in its variety. There was over time a loss of mutual respect too.
Time flew and we had 2 children and then I met my ex again. She had separated and still loved me and we had an emotional and briefly sexual affair which again ended as I went with the philosophy ‘it’s bad for the kids’.
My wife forgave me but understood my needs for a while but soon, things went back to routine..my wife thinks she is asexual too.
Now, I find myself attracted to each and every woman who makes a pass at me but unable to act on it..
My conversations with my wife about an open marriage have been shut down quickly. I do love her and adore my kids but I am perennially unsatisfied..
I am very reluctant to hurt my kids or my wife..but can’t shake the feeling of unlovedness..help!