Help out a friend? Give generously to a loved one in a committed relationship?
We take those as a given, though we may not realize we’re fortunate if we can. But how do you effectively ask for help without becoming mired in obligations? If you’re giving help, how do you know where to draw the line between an assist and taking over, or trying to “fix” what isn’t your responsibility?
We live in a culture where women are presumed to be the “helpers,” and men are often in the position of “fixers.” Helping isn’t necessarily fixing; accepting help may mean compromise, but it shouldn’t result in giving away control.
When you love someone and they’re struggling, you want to help. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, you have a vested interest.
Your life is impacted, too.
Can You “Fix” in Moderation?
Still, fixing isn’t always the answer. It may be enabling. It may be inappropriate. Then again, providing solutions isn’t always bad, if they are agreeable to all parties concerned, and applied in focused and respectful moderation. But fixing doesn’t mean forcing a solution that may not fit. It doesn’t mean heavy-handed interference where decisions are not yours to make.
Is this a fine line?
You bet it is.
But a mature and mutual pact of assistance involves comfort on both ends. It requires discussion, compromise, and understanding of any constraints as well as risks in the arrangement. Otherwise, you may find yourself conceding to the one providing a fix via bucks, and thereby kissing your decision-making power goodbye, or worse, the relationship.
The Narcissist “Fixer”
I lived in a marriage in which control was a factor, and that, despite earning my own money. (Note how easy it is to be malleable, depending on your psychological makeup, and the others you are dealing with.) My spouse was a fixer in the traditional sense – handy around the house, always ready with an opinion on how I should do something. But thinking back, we were so independent of each other even during marriage, my “problems” were my problems. It was up to me to find a fix.
That doesn’t mean there weren’t issues of control; there were. But they weren’t so easily categorized.
In my dating life after divorce, I didn’t want to exchange one set of control issues for another, though being drawn to strong personalities, problems would arise. From time to time, men who wished to “rescue” me would appear on the scene. Some may have been “helpers,” and others were “fixers.” One in particular was a Narcissist Fixer In Extremis. Everything was basically “my way or the highway,” though it didn’t begin in that fashion as is often the case.
Eventually, things came to a head, and being unwilling to buy into his “fix” for everything (changing myself, my lifestyle, my interests, the way I raised my kids), he took the low road of his particular highway. I have never regretted my decision to say “no” to his growing interference in the guise of “helping.”
How to Accept Help
Turn down help when you need it? That’s not a smart move. But it’s difficult for some of us to accept that hand. We have to get over our unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We must battle back the child’s lack of power, if that is part of our personal story.
Ask for help – but not excessively? It’s also something we should learn to do appropriately. In this Psychology Today article on How to Ask for Help, we’re reminded that we all have moments when we need to do so, we should recognize sincere offers to assist, our requests should be specific, and the responsibility for follow up rests on our shoulders – not the giver’s.
I confess I’ve spent years talking myself away from a prideful ledge. During illness, especially as a single mom, I had to learn to ask for help. In other circumstances of hard times, the same holds true. I still struggle with asking for help from small issues to those of more significance. I also struggle to accept it when it’s given.
Helping and Receiving: Eyes Wide Open
But I try to ask – or accept – with clarity and communication. I scrutinize before doing either, anticipating hidden strings, unwanted intent, and identifying realistic and reasonable boundaries. I seek reciprocity in mutually helpful arrangements to the extent it’s possible, and I also am committed to practicing “pay it forward.” I am leery of any man who would swoop in with a solution (on his terms), and I only wish I’d known to be this cautious when I was younger.
Is the “fixer” the Narcissist in sheep’s clothing, or worse?
Does that change the dynamics when asking for help or receiving it?
Why do so many cross the boundary from helping to insisting to strong-arming, ultimately damaging the relationship? Are we still conditioning our men to be “fixers” and our women to acquiesce?
Surely, it can’t be that simple: individual temperament, childhood conditioning, experience and physical constraints – these must play a role. Still, how do we develop our antennae? How do we distinguish the man (or woman) who offers a helpful suggestion or aid, from the die-hard fixer, the covert manipulator, the Pygmalion who would refashion us suit his purpose?
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I think many men unconsciously try to “fix”–not necessarily out of narcissism, though. Women tend to listen/relate to problems and men just naturally want to problem solve?
I hear you, Kitch. But I wonder if it’s cultural conditioning? Or even, to some degree, a perpetuated myth? I’m not saying it is, but I am posing the question. I tend to gravitate toward strong men, and yes, they tend to be problem-solvers. Then again, I’m also a problem-solver. (Parenting solo brings that out, and I’ve thought about that as well, not to mention the years in business when my livelihood was all about solving problems, ie, being the “fixer.”)
Funny thing is, I’ve known men where you can say – “I just need you to listen and be here” and they totally get it, and respond as we would like. Others? No matter what you do, ain’t gonna happen. They’re born fixers…
Are there differences between the genders? Do men see a problem and just want to fix it? Do women see a problem and want to discuss it to work through the solution? I can see that both methods have their merits. If the problem is two plus two, we all know the solution. What’s to discuss? But if the problem is something more nebulous or abstract (the economy, social mores), do we need more talk, not necessarily to find the solution, but to get everybody on board?
A long time ago, I learned that it is very, very important to work through a problem with others. Why? If I guide them to finding the solution themselves, they will believe in the solution and follow it. If I tell them the solution, they have a tendency to not believe me or just go do something else out of spite. Nobody is going to tell me what to do. Ha ha. Okay, jump out of an airplane without wearing a parachute. See if I care.
So, fix or talk: it depends on the problem. As the old saying goes:
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Food for thought. I have a terrible time asking for help. I am currently, temporally, not able to do a number of things by myself due to shoulder surgery, and notably one thing FOR myself and that is driving. This week I was in a position where I had to ask for help to get to a place that would have caused me 3 bus transfers each way. I asked a new friend, one who has been so supportive to me through this, and is retired, and had told me call her, anytime. So I did, beginning with “This is really hard for me to do, but I need to ask your help.”
She was glad to help me. But even though I took her out to lunch afterwards, I still feel – indebted.
When in family or out, when people tell me their troubles, I have to be very careful to not jump in and offer solutions. I have learned that that’s not what people always want. Getting very bossy in the kitchen with my husband, (because of course, I know best), has gotten me in trouble more than a few times. So now, if people don’t ask for help, I ask them what they want: is this a situation where you want some suggestions? Or do you just want me to listen. Skyping with my daughter this week, talking over her Summer job possibilities and what to do, I had to pull myself back and remember to ask her this. It is so easy to jump in and be the hellicopter mama, so much harder to restrain myself and tell her ” You’re a smart girl, I’m sure you”ll figure this one out” as I was finally able to do.
My last serious relationship was with a man who had control issues. I let him lend me money without really understanding the issue behind his offer. It got a little sticky. He overcompensated for his insecurity by trying to be ‘better’ than me. OY. Lessons learned!
Those are some very good comments especially by William and Kitchwitch. I think there are a few things we need to think about when we look at this issue: 1) what type of human relationship are we discussing (work, friends, family, children, partner) and second 2) differences between people based on individuals, gender, role, culture, etc. As far as gender differences are concerned I think it depends on the type of relationship and issues. Further I see it as a continuum and some women are more linear thinkers, for example in business, than some men. Further many women are like men when it comes to some issues and roles, such as in business and quite linear thinkers. The difference I think that comes into play, and this is a gross generalization, is that men think in a more linear manner in all relationships and women approach non business issues in a global and interconnected manner. Surprisingly enough often men and women come to the same solution by different routes. Since men are usually linear thinkers they often are fixers for whatever reason (nature, nurture, culture, etc.).
I know that this is one of my strengths and weaknesses. What is worse is that I am in a profession where I am a fixer and I am seen in the industry as a master fixer. Is that derogatory or a compliment? I am not sure. Combine that with a need to be and a history of being a “high achiever” and you have a person that wants to jump in for loved ones and make it all better. Fortunately I have the intelligence and experience to know now that I cannot fix everything, people don’t want things fixed sometimes, and it may be irritating to people when you do fix something, especially if you do so easily or effectively.
On a personal level I have learned to sit back, bit my tongue and sit on my need to fix everything, except sometimes when it comes to my children or someone I care about in serious trouble. When asked for help I try to work through the solutions as William suggests and often take a Socratic approach to have the person believe they have come to solution or to “buy in.” I like strong women so I have to control my fixer self.
As far as asking for help, I have never had a problem since I am goal oriented and want the best outcome, not my version of the best outcome. In business I always include at least women in problems or on my team as I want a varied approach and the best outcome.
Fixers may be on occasion, but should not be equated to, control freaks or narcissists. If not all men would be control freaks an narcissists.
Finally stay away from fixers who try to control everything, because they are not fixers, they are ego maniacs, control freaks or worse.
I want to set a man on fire, WQB gave me the idea. I am a problem solver by profession too and have seen through my divorce that I have a terrible time asking for help. I have always hated a man (anyone really) to see me as weak, which I guess is why blogging through this time has been so good for me because I have put my insecurities out with strangers and gone about my steel toed business. I have in my life prior to my marriage dated people that I thought I could ‘fix’ if I just loved them hard enough. NO! Badness. I do recognize now when I have the need to ‘fix’ someone and can set a boundary with myself. I’ve certainly felt the need to ‘fix’ lessen since I became a mom because I have people to ‘fix’ all the time. I think we all feel the need to be ‘needed’ in our relationships. People who aren’t narcissists want to bring some value to relationships, right? In my current relationship he sometimes needs my help physically, not to rescue (and there is no fixing) but he helps me with his emotional support every day. I need ‘fixing’ right now with about 20K!
Boundaries. That’s a major component in this picture, Cuckoo Momma. Excellent point.
This post resonates a lot with me, D. Like you too I’ve had a lot of trouble asking for help. So much so that when I didn’t have a car to pick my son up from camp last year (husband was out of town), instead of asking a friend to help, I took my husband’s bike (I have never been comfortable on a bike), flew off of it in a freak accident, and broke my leg. Going through surgery, being bedridden for 2 months — I learned how to ask for and accept help. Finally. And you know what? It actually helped my marriage and friendship. Accepting help made my husband and girlfriend feel needed.
The thing about not wanting to ask for help also colored my ability to offer help. I’m very conscious of boundaries, because an early life experience wired my brain to believe that people who want to help have strings attached – they want to buy you with endless offers to be there, using guilt as collateral – and I continued on in life always suspicious. I offered and accepted help in cautious doses but I’m changing now. I think we risk being disconnected when we keep insisting we’re okay being independent. It’s indeed hard to know who is the sheep in wolf’s clothing. Hopefully as we get older our antennae become sharper and we can find the right balance of caution and letting go.
oops, I meant wolf in sheep’s clothing 😉
i just want to share my testimony here.. i was married for 12 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the life of my husband.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned me and my 3 kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster called ashra so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he cast the spell, after 3 days that he told me, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy.