The dilemma with lying is its aftermath: once caught in its deception, you’ve undermined trust.
Then again, a lie will eat away at your conscience whether you’ve been found out or not – at least, for those of us who have a conscience.
The little white lie? No, not that. We find ways to justify ourselves – in everything from “Yes, I love the new hair cut!” to the excuse given to the boss when that Mental Health Day becomes the only way to keep going.
Moral relativism, some will say.
You may respond… A matter of survival.
Do You Lie About Your Age?
With each year that passes, the hypothetical issue of lying about my age is more real and less hypothetical. I first confronted it when I began online dating as some friends advised that I subtract as much as 10 years. Given that I was 40+ at the time and I had no interest in dating men who weren’t in their 40s, I dismissed the idea as silly and went with my own age.
For a few years, it was fine. Suddenly, it wasn’t. At 49? All the options began to drop away, and those who contacted me were rarely in my age range (five years younger to five years older), but instead, 10 to 20 years older – to my surprise.
Cue the admission that I would need to “fudge,” though my fudging was never by more than two or three years.
Lying About Age to Compete in the Job Market
Worse was the situation in the job market. Dating? That seemed important, but earning a living is critical – especially if you’re earning the bread for a family.
No longer part of the traditional corporate world (that is, no longer having an employment relationship), I found it advisable and necessary to be vague on age. What was important were my skills and qualifications – and getting a prospective client to actually meet me. A face-to-face meeting would reveal my energy; I would no longer be a set of line items on a resume – of any particular age.
I will add – I do not condone lying about qualifications. I know it’s done all the time, and those lies will certainly out.
As for age – in my professional life and private life – generally speaking, it has proven irrelevant.
Dating Younger, Dating Older, Dating Liars
I’ve dated younger, I’ve dated older. I’ve chosen not to date a man 20 years my junior, though I knew he didn’t know my age and I simply felt the gap was too extreme.
I will say that I went out twice with a man who was my age, met via online dating. He was discussing the importance of honesty on Date Number Two, at which time I admitted I was two years older than on my profile. (I showed him my driver’s license to prove it.)
He stood me up on Date Number Three, and I never heard from him again. May I add that he had lied about his height (by five or six inches), and forgot to mention a second ex-wife?
Age Issues at Work
I’ve worked with and in organizations where most of the team was 10 or 20 years younger, and others where they were my own age or older. I have also known age discrimination – specific instances – in which I am certain I was passed over for consideration because of my chronological age.
So we may lie to stay in the game. Or we may take steps – whitened teeth, painted hair, working out – to project an image that is energetic and youthful.
Why this subject – today?
The Truth Will Out
A comment from a reader prompted these thoughts. She lied about her age and now finds herself in the difficult position of needing to clear the air. She’s in a relationship where the age difference is significant, though it wouldn’t be (of course), were she the man.
She isn’t sure how to proceed, and she’s understandably worried.
I posed a few questions in my response to her. But I feel ill-equipped to offer any counsel, and I’m curious about how others would solve this problem – not to mention what you would advise this woman.
When you’ve been caught in a lie, how do you ever set things straight?
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Age, or other lies? Some topics can be delicate. Decline to answer (in an appropriate way).
Age…never lied about it. Never had age requirements for another “Any age, as long as you can keep up with me.” A few women lopped off a year or two. Not Fran. If a woman will hike with me, who cares about her age. If she’s a runner, she’s probably decades younger and why would I want to be holding her back.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
You are not – by any means – the “average man,” Paul. And consider the hypocrisy of the man who lied about how many times he was married, who gave himself an extra 5″ (not one, not two – FIVE)… and was then offended that I’d cut off two years, for purposes of online search?
And meanwhile, what does this woman do? How can she approach this subject with any hope of not breaking the friendship?
We have all lied about something at one time or another. If you say otherwise, chances are good you are smack dab in the middle of a lie. I don’t condone it but I see the necessity sometimes. I avoid lies when it comes to important things, like my experience, my age, my finances. But I have to confess that I’ve complimented a dinner that was barely edible, applauded when I thought the performance was way below par and sometimes have made up an imaginary excuse to get out of something. All what I affectionately and conveniently call ‘white lies’. I can’t lie about the important stuff not because I’m a good person but because I never remember my lies and it always has come back to bite me in the end. Thanks, but no thanks. The truth really is just easier!
I agree, Tammy. For the important things (not those compliments as you mention), the truth is indeed easier!
That said, there is an art of omission that can be useful (and necessary) at times, but it, too, can be a double-edge sword if we aren’t careful.
BLW. You were fortunate with the lying guy in question — anything as obvious as FIVE inches shorter — way too dumb for you.
The photos used in online profiles where men (and women) are 10+ years younger were pretty interesting, too, Paul…
There are so many variables to consider BLW. What is the number of years difference between real and advised age? Are the people closer to 20 or 60, as the older you are the lesser the gap seems to matter. Does the lady look the advised age? Can the lady keep up with the man physically in activities he would do with a like aged woman. How important is age difference to the man. What country? Urban or rural area? If age were known how well would he and she fit in with the others friends, families and colleagues. What experiences, education and job each has. How old is the relationship and where does it seem to be going? And so on……
Ya know….women care more for themselves than men and live 5-6 years longer.
All great questions / considerations, Curtis. (I hope the commenter checks back and reads!)
Of course, as we get older, we understand how rare it is to find a relationship that “fits.” Priorities change with experience. Our old ideas on what we should (or shouldn’t) find in another may seem so unimportant.
When it comes to a woman’s age on a dating site, I think the best idea for a woman is to knock 2-5 years off the searchable age and within the text document the real age. I see this all the time and it is no big deal, it shows they are pragmatic (i.e., they know men) yet honest. Ditto for some extra weight (not obese), set Average for searches but include recent photos so there is no surprise. For men and their height, the correct height is important since it is obvious to a woman when she meets you. I don’t lie on my profile since I don’t want the hassle of remembering what I posted, it’s simpler to tell the truth.
Lovely to hear from you batticus! (It’s been too long. How the heck are you?)
It’s interesting to hear the way you address these issues as a man – and what you consider acceptable for a woman. Very practical approach.
I will say something about the weight item. I used to check “average” and when I would meet someone they would sometimes let me know they were surprised that I wasn’t heavy, because average means pudgy and thin means average, or some such thing.
Go figure.
I don’t think this woman should reveal her true age just yet in the relationship. Maybe it won’t be an issue. Maybe the relationship will run its course before ever needing to be revealed. If not, and they become closer and know each other better and revel in what they have – it will come up organically at a certain point. I think she’ll know when the time is right. If they’re compatible and grow to love each other, why would age matter at that point?
Barb, the nature of the relationship is still a little unclear (at least to me). A great deal depends on her expectations – and his. I hate that age matters at all in the romantic arena especially, but it does – at various life stages more than others.
Then again, Alec Baldwin’s new wife is pregnant. (Did you read that?) Hardly seems fair, does it. But that’s biology (and Hollywood) for you. And a few other things to boot.
Ooh, I love the points made, especially Curtis’ questions and Barb’s as well. It sounds like your reader has some negotiating to do in front of her, the sooner the better. I wish her luck as it was not a horrific lie!
Your point that it’s not a horrific lie, Heather, reminds me that the reasons we tell a lie are important. Perhaps if this reader can express how she was feeling clearly enough, the core friendship will not be broken. She intended no malice (best I can tell).
I’ve been telling my kids I’m 11 since they were little. At some point I think they’ll catch on but for now its fun. Probably wrong, but fun.
This is why I love high school reunions.
Well who knew? The lady I have been seeing is apparently 3 years older when I thought she was one year older. Honestly I am not sure I would have given her a chance since I would typically be interested in someone 1 or maybe 2 years older to five years younger. Quite frankly it really does not matter to me at this point, but there are some other concerns as my children are a decade younger than hers and we differ on various opinions but share core beliefs. Advice?