Childless.
I never considered the word itself until yesterday. It suggests an absence, a deficiency, an empty space where a child – or children – ought to be.
Whether you want them or not.
And we don’t all want them, do we? But we certainly judge those who admit as much. Women, that is.
I came across an alternate term, “childfree,” which seems contrived and yet it stands in firm opposition to the negative undercurrent inherent in “childless.” I tell myself that it takes a generation (or longer) to adjust to any refashioned labels; perhaps with practice, childfree could become part of common parlance. But is it a less offensive term?
I couldn’t say; I am a woman who loves children, a mother of two who wanted a third, a friend to women who generally have children. Whatever else we may not have in common, the experiences of mothering provide a cross-cultural bond with the potential to bridge every possible barrier – economic, religious, geographic, political.
We are sisters in our motherhood.
A Woman’s Right to Choose
And a woman’s right to choose? To choose the sort of life she wishes, including whether or not parenthood is part of the picture?
This isn’t about contraception, although indirectly, it could be. This isn’t about abortion, although indirectly, it could be. This is about women being wholly-owned human beings, and the men who understand and support their wives, their daughters, their mothers, their sisters, and their female friends – in precisely that.
Personally, I’m a fervent believer that a woman’s life is far more than the sum of her active parenting years, and nor do I believe she is entitled to wear the laurels of her offspring’s achievements beyond the usual parental pride, which is inevitable. A woman may also choose to assist her mate in fulfilling his dream; she may do so at his side or behind-the-scenes, with her involvement in his activities, or by carrying the lion’s share of domestic burdens in order to facilitate his – and thus, their – (presumably mutual) goals.
Those are choices – or should be. And I also applaud any man who chooses to support his mate’s endeavors – at her side or in the background.
But I see no reason why couples must feel compelled to procreate if that isn’t what they want. If anything, I would suggest that our collective children would be better off if more of them were planned, rather than accommodated, tolerated, or outright neglected.
Childless by Choice
Recently, I met a woman who has no children – by choice – something she mentioned partway through our conversation. I’ve been mulling it over since, the way she had to put it out there, no doubt because the big three – marital status, children, and job – are usually top of the list when you’re meeting someone, sizing them up, and getting to know them.
I asked if she had children (in passing); she said no, and then qualified her remarks by adding: “by choice, and children have never been part of the plan.”
My initial reaction was one of respect, and then regret; regret that she had to justify anything to me or anyone else, in a society that still wants its women to be married, first and foremost, and subsequently, mothers.
I have nothing against marriage. I have nothing against motherhood, clearly.
But must we be married to be perceived as valuable? Must we then be mothers, or we’re viewed with pity – or suspicion? Are we marginalizing our women who do not have children, by choice or by circumstance?
Aren’t some of us dreadful mothers? Not cut out for the job? Can we at least be honest about that?
Trends in Childless / Childfree Couples
We’ve all seen reports about falling birthrates, frequently attributed to higher education for women. In other words, educated women tend to postpone childbearing, pursue employment, and consequently defer marriage and children, which results in smaller families or more childless couples.
The Yale Global details this trend:
The modern era provided more education opportunities for women, leading to later marriage, careers, lower proportions marrying, greater use of contraception and abortion, and changes in women’s role and status. As a result, the proportions of childless women in developed countries and many developing countries are well above 3 percent.
Naturally, there are social and economic repercussions I cannot address in such cursory coverage – issues touching on global economies as well as the challenges of an aging population if there are no adult children to care for the elderly.
Then again, isn’t this model of midlife adults caring for parents already dwindling – as a function of changing values, mobile societies, and expense? Wouldn’t we be better off with more fluid, intergenerational models of community, less dependent on relations by blood?
Children and Marital Troubles
How many of us note the first signs of trouble in our marriages when children appear? Now, now. This is not an indictment of bearing our sons and daughters, but it is a recognition that kids put a strain on relationships.
Babies and children demand our time – on their schedule, not ours. The cost of raising children? Mind-boggling, certainly in the U.S. Now add fatigue and logistical constraints, and stir in a healthy dose of too little couple time and too many disagreements over discipline, gender roles, money, education and any number of other tiny decisions that accumulate.
Do our squabbles reflect core value differences? If not, do friction and fatigue simply push couples apart over the years? Does this mean having fewer kids might result in less divorce?
I’m not sure I’d go that far, but it would make for an interesting study, if the respondents offered honest feedback.
No Children By Choice
We continue to judge women by appearance, by marital status, and by parenting “success” – far more than by job or money.
We continue to judge men by money (power) and job (power), and possibly, the appearance of the woman on the man’s arm.
I’m aware that I’m generalizing, but think about it. Don’t you see this played out over and over in your social circles? If you’re part of a couple and without children, what do your friendships look like? If you’re a couple with children, with whom do you socialize?
And if you’re single, divorced, widowed?
In fact, the woman I met and her husband have interesting careers they seem to enjoy. They’ve traveled widely, and continue to do so. Best I could tell – from an initial meeting – they share a rich and meaningful life together. I would say they are “self-full” and “partner-full” – rather than child-“less.”
No children by choice ought to be as viable (and acceptable) a lifestyle as any other. Nor should we label those who make this choice as selfish, when what they are doing is living their lives, contributing in ways they choose, and exercising freedoms that many of us (raising kids) would love, even in small measure.
So where do we begin to dismantle our unspoken hierarchies? How do we stop judging those who do not marry (by circumstance or choice), and in particular, those women who do not have children?
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Parenthood is not for sissies, that’s for sure. And I respect a woman/couple for realizing if they aren’t cut out for parenthood, but I can’t help but be a little saddened. As hard as it is to have/raise children, they are a source of joy for those who truly desire to have them. Then I think of all the women who can’t have biological children and desperately want them. And how many marriages dissolved because of the stressors of children? Plus, let’s not even go into how much it costs! Successful careers and traveling to exotic places are wonderful things. But a career and a suitcase can’t throw their arms around you and say they love you! To each their own, I suppose, and we shouldn’t judge one way or the other.
I am one of those child-free women. I knew early on that I didn’t want kids. I have never had maternal feelings and don’t really enjoy being around the little ones. The more adamant “Your life is meaningless unless you have children” people I’ve encountered have defensively said that I would feel differently if the child were my own. That is not a risk I would want to take. How unfair to the child if it isn’t true and how unfair to me to be pressured into a life I don’t want.
The only time I mention that I have no children by choice is when I get that incredibly sad face from my conversation partner who thinks that I must have tried and failed.
Strangely enough, there are about a dozen of us from high school who all have chosen this same path. It is nice having like-minded friends that have known me for more than half my life.
As a child-free woman, Tammy, when you meet someone for the first time and they ask in passing if you have kids, does it bother you?
This woman I met was (is) delightful, intelligent, interesting. We have many things in common. I can certainly imagine enjoying her company and I don’t think I’m one to discuss my kids (now in college) all the time, which I can only imagine would be irritating.
Have you had to justify your choice much – with friends or family?
It doesn’t bother me at all when people ask me if I have kids. Sometimes I will say “It never appealed to me” so I don’t get the pity look. If I know their kids are older, and they know I am no longer in safe child bearing years, I will simply say no. I don’t even mind when people with kids talk about them, so long as that isn’t all they talk about.
I’ve never had to justify my search to friends or family. My family especially has been supportive of the decision from day one. They have openly said that my life options would be more limited if I had kids (I suspect because they feel that theirs were as a result).
Thank you so much for touching on this topic, which is admittedly a sensitive subject for me. I’m childless, partially by choice, but partially by circumstance. That probably doesn’t make much sense initially, but allow me to elaborate.
The CIRCUMSTANCES were such that, children didn’t happen naturally for me (and my husband of 12 years), and it was my/our CHOICE not to adopt or go the fertility specialist route, for many reasons including financial, emotional, and spiritual. I would be open to children, if I were blessed with them, but I also don’t feel that I NEED them to make my life complete.
Lisa (a favorite blogger of mine) commented: “…I respect a woman/couple for realizing if they aren’t cut out for parenthood, but I can’t help but be a little saddened.” With all due respect to Lisa, whose opinion and writing I value greatly, I have to say that from my childless perspective, it’s sentiments like these that generalize childlessness as something to pity. Also the statement implies that childless folks are childless because we’ve recognized that we are too weak and inferior (“aren’t cut out”) to handle parenthood.
I know she didn’t intend to dismiss childless people, and again I value her insight. I just hope that people who have kids will try to understand how they come across sometimes, and that we don’t want or need you to feel sorry for us because we are having a great time living our child-free lives. Pity from parents only perpetuates the stigma towards childlessness. We are definitely a marginalized segment of society and I hope that changes in the future!
And yes, BLW to answer your question posed to Tammy, I often am made to feel the need to explain my childless status based on the reaction (and sometimes outright displeasure or berating) I receive from others (i.e. moms) in social situations. In fact, I even wrote a post about one particularly upsetting encounter (of course!) — http://noparentsnoproblem.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/not-my-mothers-40th-birthday-embracing-the-f-word/ …. That way I can just refer people to the link instead of explaining my life choices to them over cocktails 😉 Thanks again for the great post BLW and to all for the great, thought-provoking discussion.
Thank you for your words, Andrea S. We could all do with more awareness and sensitivity, myself included. It’s so easy to make assumptions based on our own experience.
What Tammy wrote could be word for word from me. And Andrea is spot on: “It’s sentiments like these that generalize childlessness as something to pity.” I have no reason to think less of people who have and love children – why do they judge me for NOT?
I cannot envision a time when being childfree by choice will be viewed as anything less than selfish.
@Gwen, I hear you. I can only imagine what it must feel like, recalling the sensation of being shut out when I was the only single over 30 among marrieds I worked with, then the only single mother (many years later). Not quite the same, I realize, but that sense of being “outside” and lesser.
@Lisa, I do understand that when you love children deeply, it’s hard to conceive of a scenario in which others wouldn’t feel the same.
@Robert, You remind us that every pairing is not a given, certainly not conducive to parenthood. But the assumption of selfishness must be galling.
We never had any drive to do that, and could not imagine taking it on in the absence. I never missed it until I heard a female friend describe her family, when I thought what a beautiful experience it must have been for all of them. But I realized at the same time that the elements which made her situation work had not been present in my own, so while I was wistful I was also very grateful.
We never had to deal directly with judgment, although a family member did comment off-handedly about how people who did not have children were “selfish”. I thought it was ironic that there was a presumption that something existed which, through our choices, had come to be withheld, when what she didn’t understand, but we did, was that in fact, it had not ever existed.
I think on an almost-daily basis that I am not cut out for this mothering job. It’s too late now, of course, and I’m usually grateful that I can’t turn back, even knowing what I know now. But, damn, it’s hard. Hard on me. Hard on my husband. Hard on the dreams I once had for my own life. This isn’t a pity party; I realize my blessings. It’s just an honest assessment, which is somehow easier to do on a keyboard than in real life.
It is hard, Stacia. Really hard. I wish we could all shout it to the sky. Knowing how hard it is doesn’t mean you don’t love your children. But it’s a recognition of your reality, and the reality of many who don’t feel comfortable saying as much.
I’ve always used the term childfree unthinkingly because that’s how I’ve felt. The woman who yearns for a child she can’t have is childless, a woman who knows she’d be a miserable parent (in both senses) and chooses not to reproduce is childfree.
I’m an American expatriate in Mexico and although I love kids and relish being The Cool Aunt, when I mention I don’t have kids and don’t especially want any, people look at me as if I have lobsters growing out of my head, and then assure me that once I get pregnant I’ll change my mind.
My fella’s adorable Guatamalan pixie of a mother (who gave birth to one of her children totally alone in an empty house on New Year’s Day) has been lobbying hard for grandchildren to the point where we had to not-technically-lie to her and say I couldn’t have kids because a medication I’m on would mean any potential offspring would probably have flippers and antlers and who know what else.
Yes, it’s sad, but I think it’s all too common for people to assume a woman is somehow incomplete without a child, or that she doesn’t really know what she wants when she says she’s made the choice not to have children.
Thanks for writing this. I’m new to your blog but I’ve bookmarked it and look forward to reading more.
Rhiannon, Lovely to have you here, and thank you for your comment. How dreadful to be forced to lie, with the pressure from family that intense.
What does it say about society that demands women have children or they are pitied or looked down upon?
There are a multitude of reasons that a woman may not have a child. What right do others have to judge and what good does judging do? Given the number of children raised by X-Box, grandma, cable TV, the internet and number of children in family services care perhaps more people should have thought about children before they acted. Consider what is the effect on society and children 1) of not having children that not wanted, versus 2) having children that are somewhat or not wanted. Levitt’s book Freakonomics shed some disturbing facts an trends in relation to this.
Yet society values such an absent and neglectful parent, or chastises her less and has less pity for her than the childless woman. Why? Why is society like this?
Such dichotomies in society are a mystery to me and defy logic.
And yet we do judge, Curtis. All the time. I hate to say this – and it’s only my impression – but women are often the worst offenders in my experience, when it comes to judging other women.
Children are gifts. They are the future and they are hope. When there are no children on this earth, there is no future or hope for humankind. It is much easier to be selfish, only thinking of what is good for me and myself, it is much harder to think and do what is best for others. Choice or not, that is the reality, period.
Thank you for joining the conversation, Lyn. I agree that children are gifts. But they aren’t necessarily gifts to everyone. Why should someone who does not want to be a parent feel forced into it? How could that possibly be good for a child?
I grew up hearing that I should clean my plate because there were people starving in the world. Which made me think two things -1) let them have my food, and 2) if we can’t feed the ones that already exist, it would irresponsible of me to produce a child just for my ego, or for my genes to propagate.
If anything, we were going to adopt. I always thought we were being the utmost in socially responsible, so I had to laugh and realize the values clash and difference in size of perpsective when someone labeled that selfish.
I know a couple of women who desperately wanted children, but married men to did not. So they didn’t have children. I’m rather amazed by this choice, but it’s what they did. Later, one found out her husband was having an affair with her best friend. They divorced, she found a ‘toy boy’ and had a son with him. I happened to be in the office (I’d moved on) one day when she brought her infant in. She mentioned what ‘a different life’ it was. I guess she made the right decision, but I’m not sure.
Intersting topic. I think that although France is quite supportive of motherhood (creche, schools, excellent school lunches, maternity leave, etc) there does not seem to be the same stigma attached to child free mothers/couples. A good relationship is important and it is considered to be better to be alone than “mal accompaner “ There seems to be more respect for the differences here, in terms of beauty, lifestyle, job success, etc. Artists and art in all its forms are valued. Success seems to be defined more in terms of what makes one happy and the ability it took to recognize “the road” one must take in order to get there.
Thank you for your observations, La Bergère. I recognize my own experience in what you say; simplistically, I would tie it back to more of an appreciation of quality, not to mention more respect for privacy and individual decisions.
The ability to recognize the road. I like the way you expressed that. Seems fitting.
Enjoyed your thoughtful piece….Re the term “childfree” I agree it is not the best term but better than “childLess” IMHO so I use the former until I can find a better term….
Re “where do we begin to dismantle our unspoken hierarchies?” The answer is in The Baby Matrix: Why Freeing Our Minds From Outmoded Thinking About Parenthood & Reproduction Will Create a Better World… “An eye-opener is an understatement.” Check it out! ~Laura
Wow! This is an interesting topic, and I am a day late here, but children are not for everyone. My very best friend, who I have known since my teens, chose not to have children or marry. She did eventually marry because her health benefits were better than her partner’s, so they went to City Hall one day and made their relationship official. She doesn’t wear a wedding ring. She didn’t change her name. Her true passion in life is traveling, something she does as often as she can. Children might have prevented her from living the life she desired. She and her husband have one of the best relationships I know.
Great post!
It strikes me as odd, Robin, that we are a culture that loves to hold up the Happiness Flag as the Be All, End All. And yet… if a couple finds happiness without children, we find fault.
I don’t think there’s a single formula, and it sounds like your friends found what works for them. How wonderful is that?
I’m reading your posts backwards, and it’s interesting to read and think about # of children first and then about childlessness/child-freedom (freeness??). My husband and I debated for a few years over whether or not to have children. I freaked my mother out when I told her we may not have kids at all, and my doubts and reservations were very real. But then, as you know, I did end up becoming a mother and to sound like so many mothers, it’s the best thing I ever did. And reading this post has just given me the courage to say, having one child is the best thing I ever did. It is hard to admit that I may not be cut out for this mother thing, or that maybe I would love being a mother to one child but not to any more…having one was my compromise. I wish I were the kind of person who could thrive in a large family. But I’ve realized I’m not. I’m a good mother to one, and on many days I am barely even that. Do I feel selfish? All the time. But reading your post about women who choose not to have children at all gives me some validation, because I can see myself in them too.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful article! You get it! I am 41 and have always known that I did not want children. I won’t go into all of the reasons bc there are too many. I am happily married and enjoy being a rock star aunt to my nephew :). We all have unique skills, life experiences, desires, dreams, etc. And I am consistently amazed that people think parenting is for everyone. People take tests to determine which career they are best suited for and I think a similar analysis should be done when making a life altering decision such as starting a family. Nothing about me translates to successful parenting, but I am successful at many things that I enjoy. I think it’s important to do what makes you happy. And that’s a personal choice that no one else can make for you.
I went to a high-powered Ivy school (all-male at the time). I remember attending my 25th reunion being struck by how many men (who had fabulous careers) said that the most rewarding thing in their lives was being a father. None or few of these men were stay-at-home-dads. I think the conversation would have been very different at an equivalent reunion of an all-female school.