Confidence comes easily to some people – or so it seems to the rest of us, doesn’t it?
The television personality. The guy next door. The sister-in-law, who’s never out of her depths – whatever she’s up against.
These are individuals who “work it” — the look, the job, or the stage of life they’re experiencing. Not only do they seem to have things under control, but they manage with poise, charm, charisma and humor.
We’re drawn to those traits. We feel better about ourselves when we’re around people who put us at ease. We might envy them just a little, trying to figure out what they know (or have) that we don’t, and how a bit of it might rub off.
Wouldn’t we do better to understand how they develop their self-confidence and then spread it around?
Last night, shortly before bed, I was flitting about on the web to entertain myself. I wandered over to YouTube, where I came across old clips of Sex and the City — a variety of montages that were thematic in nature, and that I hadn’t seen before. It was just what I needed to amuse me, and to take my mind off my little world and my little problems.
I was intrigued and more interested than I thought I would be, stumbling into James Lipton interviewing Sarah Jessica Parker on the Actor’s Studio, and for the first of several times.
I would guess (by her hair) that it was Season 5, or roughly 11 years ago. Given that she would have been 36 or 37 at the time – and what woman doesn’t rock it at that age? – I was struck by her down-to-earth quality, an apparent appreciation of where she was in life, and her confidence – without cockiness or falsity.
She was “working it,” without seeming to do so.
How to Develop Confidence
How to get that sort of confidence?
I have no magic formula, though I certainly believe that experience helps. And the broader our set of experiences from which to take our life lessons, the better. I also believe that confidence comes from trying — and failing — and most importantly, getting up and trying again.
That all important self-examination, without dipping into self-flagellation?
I believe that’s an essential ingredient, too.
Good looks?
That one could go either way, don’t you think? Beauty can create a bubble around a woman (especially), and isn’t always an asset unless she learns to use it to her advantage. Besides, many who are not conventionally attractive are highly charismatic, and incredibly successful. While that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re confident, we can nonetheless sense when we’re around someone who is. And many I’ve known who possess no particular exterior beauty exude a warmth and appeal that must come from an inner place of self-knowing.
As for the old clip I watched – the first of several visits to James Lipton’s show – Sarah Jessica Parker spoke of her upbringing, which was not by most standards idyllic. Yet she related the facts without pretending they didn’t exist, beamed as she expressed her parents’ openness and the “small joys” that characterized her childhood, and overall she struck a chord that came across as genuine.
Genuinely sweet at moments; genuinely earnest at others.
She’s an actor, you may say. An actor is all about presenting whatever they need to, especially in front of an audience. I agree.
Yet the way in which she worked it – the interview, the engagement with students at the end of the show – felt balanced, unforced.
Confidence – Your Examples?
I could offer other examples, but they’re largely men and women I’ve known in my life at various times. They aren’t famous. They aren’t super-achievers. But they’re comfortable in their skin – “bien dans sa peau” as the French would say – even if they still struggle with issues in life, as we all do. Whether or not the confidence to be themselves has been a hard-won battle I can’t say; I suspect it’s a combination of something indefinable in the person himself, and a set of experiences that offer their lessons.
Somewhere along that journey, that “something” is developed – the “je ne sais quoi” – the ability to master a job, a situation, a conversation, many conversations – requiring a sort of wholeness. Self-knowing. Maybe a touch of fearlessness, at least in certain areas, which doesn’t preclude fearfulness in other ways.
This isn’t about success really, though I can imagine the security that comes from financial success would be helpful, and the security that comes from success in your field might be grounding and reinforce confidence.
But how many people are never secure in their success? Don’t you know plenty of people for whom nothing is ever enough to stifle their demons or allow them to enjoy what they’ve accomplished? Can confidence coexist with restless or unrelenting ambition? How do confidence, ambition, and definitions of success interrelate?
Incidentally, I loved the mention of “small joys,” which seems like a very tangible and healthy view of the good moments in our lives, and savoring them as the treasures they are.
I also like the expression – “working it” – as it conjures so many things including saucy self-assurance that needn’t overflow into swagger; it suggests digging in and learning one’s craft or profession, putting in the time and hours; it honors a sense of process which isn’t necessarily ever finished – much as we, looking to feel good about what we’re discovering and doing and becoming – are never finished, ourselves.
Isn’t that lovely?
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Click Still of Sarah Jessica Parker to access YouTube video.
Yes.
It *is* lovely.
And you’re right. There’s an inestimable quality to some people that shows they fit their skin.
Or as they say in California: “they’ve done the work” 😉
Which is entirely different to they’ve had work done. Of course.
Inner work.
That sort of quality which many women achieve only after a great deal of sitting-down-and-facing-oneself.
Ah, tg… “Sitting down and facing oneself.”
Yes.
I love this. I know that charisma, that comfort-in-the-skin of which you speak, that “working it” without effort or artifice. What I don’t know is how to do it!! xox
Lovely to hear from you, Lindsey. I think some people just “have it,” and others pick it up along the way, bit by bit, as they grow into themselves. Perhaps some environments are more conducive to that as well? Having lived in Europe yourself, don’t you think geography and culture are factors?
Wow, you totally read my mind! I was thinking your first paragraph here almost verbatim when I watched Beyonce sing (or lip synch, whatever) at the Inauguration. Obviously, she’s gorgeous and has amazing pipes so what wouldn’t she have to feel good about, but still, such poise at such an event? I was duly impressed.
I have certainly had moments of feeling like I was working it…but they’re almost always stopped short by me tripping over my own feet. And I do mean that literally.
I have a lot of confidence and your post made me sit here and wonder why….
Maybe because I decided in 8th grade what I loved and would major in college…I never questioned it or changed my mind. I have persevered through many difficult circumstances to excel and I am the first to laugh at myself! I think I just have stubborn determination and I stayed teachable through the falls. I honestly believe we all have been created to do great things!!
Comfortable in their skin:
Diane Keaton – epitome of confidence that emits such joy – allowing the person watching to just enjoy her without becoming obsessed with parts of her.
Oh yes probably Barbra Streisand too in a whole different way, strength, wisdom and talent.
Sadly I don’t really know anyone who comes to mind who is comfortable in their skin – sad isn’t it?
I have a lot of ‘pleasers’ around me and I love to hear someone stand up and be counted even if it’s not the popular idea.
I would love to have more examples of these people you speak of around me.
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Yes, Vicki Lee. Love your examples. Why aren’t more of us “comfortable in our skin?” How have we allowed so many influences to undermine our confidence?
Back in the ‘old’ days there seemed to be far more characters, outgoing people, interesting personalities.
These days the focus on popular, attractive, etc – seems people tend to keep to themselves more and just want to be ‘ liked’. Why? Because people can be nasty about knocking people down who stand up and be themselves.
However deep down I think that tends to lead to a loss of identity and a sense of self – maybe the reason depression is so prevalent these days.
The word “master” in your post really struck me – that is a major factor, I believe. I can trace the evolution of confidence in myself, and for me it was definitely the very gradual mastery of skills and abilities I didn’t realize I had. Amazingly, I always did well in school and yet I never felt confident, not until I started working and began *doing* things that were contributing to others.
I was a quiet, timid child growing up who sort of just bathed in negative words. Praise was withheld – it is not the cultural norm for my family – and I was the sensitive type, so the combination almost quite literally wrecked me as a person. I felt like a shell of a person well into my 20s. I really believed I was nothing.
I’m in a different place now, 20+ years later. Still trying to work *on* it as it is a life project in progress, but I do know that it was mastery (accomplishments at work and in volunteering, moving overseas on my own, etc.) and the shutting off of negative, unconstructive criticism that helped. I am just bewildered at how confident my own child is – I mean, I can’t believe he came out of me! But we make sure we balance the praise with constructive criticism, and give him plenty of opportunities to try different things, to set goals to accomplish something. He literally thinks he is is awesome and when I expressed (pleasant) surprise at such a bold statement, he responded, “But *shouldn’t* everyone think they are awesome?” Indeed, we all should.
Your family is a wonderful example of “being” a family in a way that works for you – mixing things up in a way that will seem natural to your son. And what a gift that is, Cecilia!
I sometimes think when we are raised in ways that leave us feeling not quite whole, if we’re acutely aware of that and wanting something different for our own children, we do a good job (somehow!) of reinforcing their sense of self in constructive ways.
I wouldn’t underestimate the positive impacts to your son’s self-esteem that come from two parents, both involved, both home, sharing a variety of roles. That has to be wonderful for a child! I also wonder if confidence comes slightly more easily to boys. That’s a generalization only based on observing my sons and their friends, many of whom have been girls. We start to chip away at something in our girls, and fairly young.
I realize your cultural upbringing is very different than mine, but then again, one in which boys might have received more freedom and positive messages, perhaps?