The weekend is coming and again, you have no plans. You’re moping. You’re pacing. You’re feeling sorry for yourself – and worse. The weight of depression, even despair, is descending in an all too familiar and seemingly physical press.
And you can’t talk about it. It’s all you can do to admit the reality to yourself.
You’re lonely.
Hey! You’ve got good reason! It’s been years since your last relationship, or you’re increasingly isolated in a sexless marriage. You’re grappling with Empty Nest. You’re struggling in a new job or a new city. You can’t seem to find an “in.”
The stigma of admitting to loneliness keeps you from opening up. Then again – you’re alone, so who would you talk to?
Besides. Lonely shmonely! What’s the big deal?
Everyone gets lonely, right? So you pour yourself a bourbon, or scrounge for the chocolate in the back of the fridge. You fill your time browsing the web. You tell yourself to snap out of it.
Loneliness Compromises Health
Alleviating loneliness is easier said than done of course. Even the Jezebel summary where I first saw the latest article tying loneliness to compromised health makes light of the problem, if you ask me.
More substantive in nature is the Life Science article which is cited:
… people who are lonely experience more reactivation of latent viruses in their systems than the well-connected. Lonely people also are more likely than others to produce inflammatory compounds in response to stress, a factor implicated in heart disease and other chronic disorders.
But is this news – really? Or are we easing the “L” word out of the closet and legitimizing its impacts by looking at the physical consequences of social isolation, namely – stress?
And this doesn’t even take into account the potentially unhealthy behaviors that may develop as we keep ourselves (or find ourselves) cut off from others, from physical touch, from sexual and emotional relationships that most of us need to feel whole and human.
The Pleasures of Solitude
Some of us who choose alone time (and, I might go so far as to say, crave it) do not see hours or even days on our own as challenging. On the contrary; they are welcome – a respite from countless expectations (perhaps after years of carrying the parenting ball on our shoulders?), time to pursue more solitary but enjoyable activities (running? reading?) – without guilt or need to justify (much less negotiate).
If you dwell on the opposite end of the People Who Need People spectrum, you may find yourself restless and hungry for conversation under exactly the same circumstances.
One scenario is not superior to the other; these are examples of personality differences that exist and, when not taken to an extreme, form our versions of “normal interaction,” don’t they?
Loneliness in Our Aging Population
The issue of loneliness and isolation for our older citizens is addressed with somewhat less stigma, the negative health impacts outlined – and not only recently.
This comprehensive scholarly abstract dating to 2005 looks at a broad range of sources and a wide sample including both the US and Canada, and studies data from 1970 through 2002, concluding that:
Nine of the 10 effective interventions were group activities with an educational or support input… The review suggests that educational and social activity group interventions that target specific groups can alleviate social isolation and loneliness among older people.
If we can recognize and attempt to address the need for (group) social interaction among older people, why can’t we address these same painful sources of isolation among those of us who are younger?
And do something about it?
Loneliness Hurts, Stress Kills
Ultimately, these articles tell us what we know as a culture and have yet to resolve: isolation and worry make us sick.
Don’t we also know that loneliness has no age limit, and nor does it preclude the inclusion of children, adolescents, and young adults?
The good news?
If stress comes in a variety of flavors – over relationships, money, kids, jobs, health issues – and also, loneliness – we’re positioned to do something about the loneliness.
Now more than ever, we have options to alleviate its sting, and perhaps we ought to seriously consider what we learn looking at older people: there is value in group interactions and ongoing education.
What about learning something new that is recreational and involves a group? What about online communities that also offer opportunities to stretch our minds, enjoy some laughter, and get to know a variety of people without having to leave the house?
Can’t our online communities facilitate real world friendships and meetings?
Many of us have found that to be true – haven’t we? But isn’t there more we can and should be looking at in terms of our culture, and the way we discard people and responsibilities if it suits us? Can we remove the stigma from loneliness, once and for all?
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We are created for relationships. What those look like to each of us will differ. But I believe we need social interaction to make life worthwhile. Girlfriends, guyfriends, spouses, children, pets…all necessary in different ways in making us complete, healthy, whole beings. As much as alone time is sometimes necessary, we just aren’t built for total isolation.
@Lisa, @Ellen, @Sharon – Circumstances do seem significant in terms of when, where, and how loneliness might impact us. I agree, Lisa – we’re social animals – some of us more than others (back to personality types), and perhaps more so at certain times (when we need comfort).
And yes – solitude feels great to some of us! Perhaps it’s a matter of degree as well?
“Man is a social animal”… But sometimes solitude just feels… good :>)
I spent a lot of time feeling lonely when I was growing up, because we moved a lot and I changed schools each time. There’s nothing more depressing than feeling lonely. Now, though, I crave solitude, and I can’t remember the last time I felt lonely. I attribute this to a good marriage and friends and family I can call when I’m feeling on the verge.
Improving our relationships can happen. One way to begin the discussion is by using books. I do not mean to be self serving, rather to let you know that the questions at the end of Each chapter of Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to foster Rewarding relationships with Your Adult Children and Don’t Roll Your Eyes: Making In Laws into Family can begin great discussions either with family members or with strangers. Check them out on amazon.
As you deal with these sometimes tricky relationships of young adults and their parents, Ruth, any suggestions for a good place to start in re-establishing relationships with adult children returning home – the loneliness they might feel (and defeat at having to return home)?
I think the key thing is whether we FEEL alone or lonely. Personally, I spend a lot of time physically alone – connected to co workers and friends with telecommuting, and only a very small amount of real time with people since I’m not into partying or bar hopping – but it’s fine. I’ve always been the lone soul and I get a little resentful when people imply there’s something wrong with me because of that, or that there WILL be – that I will have health problems due to stress due to being alone.
Seriously – it was more annoying to me, with the last guy I dated, that I couldn’t enjoy a quiet walk in the woods with him – he couldn’t shut up. Which is healthier – to go with him and be stressed with his yakking, or go by myself and enjoy the songs of nature, nod silently to other hikers, and just feel the bliss of peace and quiet?
Once again, methinks the introvert factor is being ignored by science. I agree with Sharon – I cannot recall the last time I felt lonely.
I hear you on the introvert factor, Gwen. The dilemma as I see it is the way in which our culture can be isolating, and how easy it can be to slip into isolationist ways – and then find it hard to “get back out there” again.
I know I’ve been in that situation myself. Loneliness and being overly busy aren’t mutually exclusive. We sometimes use our busy-ness to hide loneliness from ourselves. Or to numb it.
It’s one of the reasons, I think, among many, that I enjoy my on-line friends so much. They’re like minded. They enjoy time alone. They love the written word. I feel, “What? You too?” and have found like minded souls.
I come from a family of extroverts, marketing types, realtors, etc., so being a writer and introspective was an oddity. Not so with friends I choose.
Those with real face time and those in cyber-space.
I have become more introverted as I’ve gotten older, or maybe it’s that I understand myself better. I’m happy being with my husband and my kids when they’re around, but I really treasure alone time. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel that way if I were truly alone.
I remember Hawkeye Pierce (Alan Alda) on M*A*S*H once said, in talking about his widowed father, that loneliness was all it’s cracked up to be. That stuck with me because as life changes, so do our friendships and our circumstances. Children grow up and have their own lives. The connection between you and your neighbors change as there’s no bus stop clique anymore. It can be isolating, frustrating, tense and depressing. Unless you live in a community where there are scheduled activities or live in a big city offering lots of cultural activities, it’s extremely difficult to meet new people. Working at home makes it all the more difficult. I appreciate your article (as it’s an excellent one!) but wish we could find a way to bring back the humanity in people. Where is the honesty and truthfulness between people you meet along the way? I don’t know.. I once wrote about cultivating your friendships. I always long for a Lucy/Ethel or Mary/Rhoda kind of thing. But, alas, that is fictional and rarely happens in real life. Thoughts?
Wonderful references, Cathy – Hawkeye, Mary and Rhoda, Lucy and Ethel before them. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to establish those broad and deep friendships with someone, maintained across distance and supplemented by phone or online. It’s a gift.
But what happens when you live alone and you’re sick and there’s no neighbor to so much as pick up the phone an say – hey, I can’t grab my mail today because I’ve got the flu. Could you help me out? What about the older person who’s alone, and left alone inside her apartment or house – days on end?
I’ve often though cities are easier in a way, as you say, because there is movement and also proximity, which can (potentially) encourage meeting more easily (and every relationship needn’t be “deep”), not to mention, ease of getting out, experiencing a feeling of being part of the world.
We do seem to have lost aspects of community. Pockets exist (in the real world); I suspect stage of life is a significant impact (as you suggest). I think at midlife we’re entering those vulnerable years – and yes, especially if we work from home, with other elements like physical constraints, financial constraints, “singleness” potentially elements that complicate matters. And those are only logistics!
These don’t lead to loneliness per se, but to your question, I think they lead to isolation which is problematic on many levels.
Yes.
We felt very lonely walking into the still new still empty apartment and then started to cook and listen to a bbc podcast and check in with you.
Voila.
Solitude (like you, a craving at times).
Delicious solitude.
No longer lonely.
Thank you. tgxxx
Wolf
I think you are speaking to being alone in a way the respondents are not in tune with. What I am picking out of your writing is the theme of vulnerability, which is not directly related to how many friends you have.
I have many friends, many of whom I can call at a moments notice, and several of whom I can talk with intimately. But with regard to vulnerability, none of them are committed to my welfare, or to a relationship with me. Although none of us would ever say this, if times really got tough, I would be on my own. My mother is one of those people who lives alone. Although she has people she can call on, she is almost blind and her true “backstops” are my brother, who lives relatively local to her, and me, two hundred miles away. Although she is financially self-sufficient, if the worst came my brother and I would be her lines of resort. I sympathize because I have no backstops at all. That is being alone.
Vulnerability is a cousin to loneliness, isn’t it, Robert. Something our isolating society seems to exacerbate.
A new article has been released by German researchers that say Facebook is a cause of loneliness, and much more. Actually I never really thought about Facebook creating the emotions they say it does.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/50549322/ns/business-us_business/t/facebook-envy-making-you-miserable/#.UP_1_SfAexV
As for loneliness there are many types and degrees. Like most human emotions it is good to experience and understand it. That said like all emotions, too much is a bad thing. The concept of isolation and social connectedness is related but separate. For example you could be quite social, work in a big office as part of a team and say do the cocktail party circuit in D.C. and still be lonely.
I’m not surprised by this seeming contradiction, Curtis. What is unfortunate is the extent to which we may feel more isolated (and badly about our lives) by comparing to the select (glowing) ways in which others present theirs. Naturally, we can present what we choose and spin it as we choose. It’s all too easy to forget that everyone has issues to face, despite pictures of beautiful families on happy vacations.
BigLittleWolf I agree but it is concerning in that people seem to not be grounded. That is and as you say, no ones life is perfect, or it is but it is a fantasy/delusion. I think different people experience different difficulties at different points in their life. Up until a few years ago, apparently, some of my friends thought I had the perfect life and they were wondering when something bad would happen or I could not obtain or achieve whatever I wanted. Now not one of them would trade places with me. I think it is just a matter of time before one hits bumps. The only questions are how many bumps, how big and how do we handle the bumps.
For me it’s all about balance. I need to be with my family and friends, and sometimes I really just need to be alone, otherwise it’s overwhelming.
Our suburban housing patterns set up adults for loneliness as soon as the family patterns are broken. Senior communities are planned as a profit-making response to this need for companionship. Fran and I are in the process of developing our own intentional community — google Transition Town Media.
Time and circumstances change. I remember the loneliness that I experienced at one point when I was young. Later, married to a disturbed wife and feeling responsible for the children, being alone (not the same as loneliness) at times was a wonderful thing. I’m certainly not lonely now, but sympathize with those who are. It can be hard as we age. But we also become more resilient in some ways. I don’t think that our computers are the answer, although they can be a first step in the process (after all, that’s how I first learned of Fran). I have a close friend whom I trust totally, but I also understand that this person does not need anyone, even when they would do the world for a close friend. Interesting.
I feel that I now have a pretty good balance between couple-hood (with Fran) and community (with friends) and solitude (solitary hiking and backpacking). Of course, there’s never enough time for everything.
Our modern social, ecological and economic systems seem to have reached their design limitations, and the cumulative effects are landing squarely on seniors. I have watched this unfold, and thought about alternatives. I think the problem with our existing systems is they are now so large and complex that they have no effective feedback mechanisms. Although you can see the unintended consequences with painful clarity, you have no way of knowing the exact origins in the amorphous whole.
It seems logical that we need to try some smaller-scale socio-economic models, closely coupled internally so that the systems can regulate themselves. Naturally, the most obvious model that comes to mind is the commune. The way this becomes relevant to seniors is through the concept of intergenerational communities. It turns out that seniors, children and adults have mutually reciprocal needs and abilities, so when they live in closely knit communities, everyone benefits. This also seems to be an arrangement in which, at least to some extent, seniors could pay their ways forward for a secure retirement.
I did some research on this last year and there are at least two places in the U.S. along these lines- The Fellowship Community in RockLand County, NY, and the Hope Meadows community in Rantoul, IL. Although neither community is designed to deal with the most insolvable health and economic vulnerability issues of aging, the models are inspiring and seem to provide at least a skeletal framework for how we should be thinking about building more tightly knit communities in general.
If I when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,—
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
“I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!”
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,—
Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?
–William Carlos Williams