Maybe you’ve been going out for awhile. A few months. Things are good.
But you don’t know where you stand, and you’re not quite ready to ask how he’s feeling.
So you pull out all the stops – his favorite red lipstick, the silky gloves, the oo-la-la lingerie he picked up for you at the holidays. It’s a night he’ll never forget and one you’ve loved orchestrating. But it doesn’t yield the desired result – three little words.
Your gut tells you he isn’t there.
Maybe he never will be.
So what do you? You feel it. He doesn’t.
Maybe there’s no need for special theatrics in the bedroom. Maybe you know how he feels; you’re certain of it, in part because the roles are reversed. You know he loves you, but something is holding you back.
Or, once it was there, and now, you realize that your feelings have changed. What do you do if you want it back – whatever the “it” is that we struggle to define?
Dating Versus Relationship
In a recent discussion on boyfriends, girlfriends, man friends, committed partners, and the ambiguities of unmarried status, one reader asked about how to recognize the distinctions. For her, “married” made everything easier.
But these aren’t questions that are simple to answer, unless the answer is “it depends.”
So when does dating become a relationship? Why is it so clear at times and so murky at others? Can feelings crystallize at the same pace, and if not, will one eventually catch up? Do we ever know if and when to cut and run?
And while we’re in this treacherous territory, what about that notion that one always loves more? Is it a problem, or is that another “it depends” that requires discussion?
When Not to Say “I Love You”
I’ve been in relationships where things were good and I was perfectly content with the status quo. I could almost sense when a man was ready to say he loved me – not that it happened daily, mind you – but in one instance, I hoped he wouldn’t say the words.
Because I didn’t feel it, and I knew he did.
I felt affection, attraction, respect. Our values meshed. We had fun. But that spark that remains so rare and inexplicable? That powerful set of sensations that catapult us beyond limerence to a state that sustains us that we tend to label as love?
It wasn’t there. As long as he didn’t feel it or speak of it, we could’ve continued enjoying each other. But as soon as he uttered the words (and he did), the relationship was doomed. I was uncomfortable. He was uncomfortable. What we had that was good and that worked? It fizzled out shortly thereafter.
When to Say “I Love You.” Maybe.
In another example, a divorced friend was involved with a wonderful man. From the beginning, their dating felt like a relationship. She confided that he was something special, but the feelings were overwhelming and too much, too fast.
She didn’t want to misread the signs. She didn’t fully trust her judgment. She believed he was experiencing something similar, but she couldn’t – and wouldn’t – say the words.
She felt love. He felt love.
They waited to say it, and it was the right decision.
Timing is Everything
If we’re happy to be in a relationship without saying the words, why can’t we live by “if ain’t broke, don’t fix it?”
What if you find yourself in a situation where all the elements are in place – admiration, attraction, shared interests, shared values – and yet circumstances or habits prevent you from anticipating more?
How much is a matter of timing?
What if he or she feels it – and you don’t? Then is ending it an honorable act? A necessary act? At least, if you’re not in a marriage or a committed union that includes children?
Wising Up, Slowing Down
For me, one of the greatest lessons in wising up about love is this: slowing down. Whatever the feelings, not speaking prematurely protects them – and protects us. Allowing time to pass helps solidify a growing relationship, encourages getting to know the other person in a variety of situations, and allows two people to build history – together.
We move beyond the rose-colored glasses, and after all, isn’t it better that we see each other clearly?
So what about allowing the other person time to catch up – if you feel it, and he or she doesn’t? Is it smart? Stupid? Is it a matter of your goals, your age, your personal circumstances? What about your ability to rely on observation, honesty, patience, and intuition? What about your propensity for risk?
Relationships Without Love?
Can good relationships exist without love? Is it a matter of how we define the term?
As I’ve grown older, I’ve grown more vulnerable. I’ve also grown more resolute, more focused, more comfortable with myself and surely more comfortable by myself.
I’ve known relationships that don’t involve romantic love but rather fondness, fun, and great sex. You might refer to that as friends with benefits. I might think of it as a wonderful relationship – as is – with no need of a label. Still, theoretically, one or the other could fall for someone and then be gone.
Maybe so. But isn’t that always true? And in the meantime?
Choosing Love, Choosing Good
There is also the elegant equation that includes a meeting of the minds, a merging of values, intimacy, chemistry, devotion, and delight. It’s the “something” we typically label love – for lack of a more precise description. I don’t consider it the fairy tale version. I consider it for adults only – allowing each partner to be a Self – imperfect, evolving, and very much cherished.
For some of us – at the right time – love may be the brass ring, with or without the words or the paper.
For some of us – at other times – it’s not where we are, and it’s not what we want.
Do we choose love? I’m uncertain. Do we choose “good?” The good relationship?
I’m convinced that one’s a yes.
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We live in a culture that values Love and Marriage. It makes life difficult if we feel like we can’t fit into those guidelines. I often think I’d like to find a man to love and one who loved me…but I’d be very happy with the situation you describe–one where we have mutual interests, we enjoy each other’s company, have great sex and spend quality time together. Maybe love follows, maybe it doesn’t. We need to let relationships grow rather than rush in to proclaim Love….of course, this wasn’t something I understood 10 years ago!
You hit two key points, Walker – our cultural propensity for slotting everyone into neat boxes, and the experience that teaches us how rich life can be when we simply let relationships unfold.
Of course, we’re past the biological clock-ticking. I suspect that plays a role.
I spent a lot of time trying every variation of relationship – too fast, too slow, friends with benefits and in the end, made the decision that the only thing I would settle for was a serious committed, love relationship. It took a long period of singledom and blind dating, but that is the kind of relationship I now find myself in. I decided I’d rather be single and on my own than to be in another iffy relationship. I made the decision to take the slow road (with the help of my boyfriend) when it came to how the relationship progressed. Maybe it was a matter of making a concrete decision about what I really wanted and sticking to it that made the difference, I’m not sure. Probably had a lot to do with timing and luck as well.
Abby, Lovely to hear from you. I’m delighted to hear that you’re in such a wonderful, committed relationship. We do seem to grow into what works for us. Sometimes we need to explore before we know what that is. And I agree – luck is certainly a factor.
You asked a lot of questions! The main thing that I feel I can comment on here is the three little words question. Are they necessary?
When I started dating my hunny bunny nearly 8 years ago, we seemed to be moving in the direction of being an exclusive couple. I wasn’t in a hurry to see this happen, because I am not really into having a relationship. I LOVE LOVE LOVE living alone. But I really liked him and he seemed to like me. Still, he never said so. Never did the “wooing” things I was used to. I’ll admit, it confused me. I was 44 years old and confused about a man. This was new ground for me. My twenty-year-old daughter was my advisor. She said, “Mom. Relax.” I gave it time. I began to realize that this guy was really head over heels in love with me. But his personality is not the type to “say” it. At all. But he showed it in so many ways that it was undeniable. I pondered this. I looked back on all the men in my life who had made great efforts to say they loved me. With words, with flowers, with gifts. Not one of them was ever there for me when it counted though. This man was. Every time. I realized that I preferred his way.
These many years later, we have finally found opportunities to say the L-word. (No, not lesbian or lesbianssss.) This one was a text conversation, within the past six months:
Me: You know I’m in love with you, right?
Him: Weren’t you before?
Me: Yeah, but I just thought I would say it.
Him: Good. I always hoped so.
(long pause)
Me: Well, I hope you’re in love with me, too.
Him: I am.
That’s it. Sweetest and most devoted man alive. 🙂
Here’s another L-word, Catty Gramma Teri. Lovely.
(So nice to hear from you. It’s been awhile. And yes, I love to ask questions. It keeps me thinking and learning from all of you…)
By the way, I get the “just relax” from my 19-year old, though he and his brother often say “chillax.” They’re usually right to say it, too.
Hee. Yeah, they are always right when telling us to relax. The L-Word thing was kind of a reference to the movie, “Scott Pilgrim VS The World.” I love it. His friend says, “Maybe you need to use the L-word with her.” He says, “Lesbian?” The friend says, “The other L-word.” He says, “Lesbianssss?”
🙂 Love it!
*confusedlooktocamera* relationships?
hmmm.
no. comment.
but we love to read your words, always illuminating and thoughtful and poignant and helpful.
waving from sunny CALIFORNIA!!
(still coughing every 10 mins but Much Better – hope the ferocious Flu didn’t capture you in its spiky dangerous claws)
_tg xx
Oh tg – You need more tea! Surely the California sun will help as well?
D, you are amazing. I wish that I had something more specific to say but if I wait to find that just right thing this time, I will wait to tomorrow, at least, then forget to come back to tell you! So just, encore une fois, merci. I wish I could chillax a little more about Love issues…trying…
TG’s comment made me smile too.
tg always makes me smile, too, Heather.
Merci, comme toujours, for the lovely words.
I do want to add one more thing here. The idea of me feeling it but he doesn’t is not something I’ve experienced. The reason for this is that one reason I feel it is because he does! What I mean to say is, I am not attracted to someone who is not attracted to me. I’ve never understood chasing a guy or trying to get a guy to have interest in me again because as soon as he loses interest, so do I. Does that make sense?
*shylysmilingthroughtheinterweb*
happy to make people smile.
*giggle*
just sent a Tweet-ness.
simply ADORED your comment on stacy’s blog post “Pretty Happy About Not Always Being Happy.”
not made for the glassy surface.
brilliant.
#sigh
I Love You. We say it pretty often, with lots of hugs and touches. The other day we were with some folks and I think we were embarrassing them (no, we hadn’t crawled under the table, just being affectionate but definitely no heavy breathing). People ask “How long have you been married?” Of course, we get fed up with one another occasionally — should we have three little words for that also (I’m fed up), but recover wonderfully. Often it’s because we’ve been too much in one another’s business.
I’ve spoken here already about my dear lady that I could not say “I love you” to, and I still wonder about that (a very complex story). Like Catty, I think/hope it was understood. But it is nice to say the words anyhow, and not take anything for granted.
I’m ordinarily a romantic (believe it or not) — much more than Fran. Well, maybe living in the moment defines the ultimate romantic, while keeping track of birthdays and anniversaries is the sign of a drudge and not the romantic marker that we may think it is. I remind her, and she responds wonderfully.
Like Catty’s comments.
p.s. Don’t think I’ve ever been in relationship where I loved hopelessly and she didn’t. Why should I?
I say when you least expect it LOVE finds you…and not vice-versa. So there is no point worrying about it. Just live your life and honor yourself. I promise love will find you.