Sometimes they were hunky – my type as defined in my twenties and thirties. A real man. A good man. Maybe, a future “boyfriend.”
Not handsome, but expressive. Not tall, but Crazy Tall.
That, I confess, was to compensate for my excessive tininess.
Dark hair was a must. Dark eyes, delicious. A twinkle in those eyes, regardless of color?
Bingo! That could be the all-important sign of a playful sense of humor – as critical to my vision of the Classic Man as his intelligence, mischief-making, and touch of edge.
Naturally, along with the occasional smoldering gaze, he would be affectionate, kind, giving, and non-judgmental.
Everything to do with appearance? Frankly, negotiable. Readily nudged aside for wit, smarts, and what I perceived as a “heart in the right place.”
As for the adage that it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one, I’ve found that to be untrue. I prefer not to make sweeping statements – (oh dear, have I already done so?) – but for me it’s easier to fall in love with a man who shares my values and understands my conflicts.
That is less likely in the case of a rich man, though certainly not impossible.
Man Friends
Of course, I’m a little more “mature” now. I can look back and say (with relish) that my man friends have consisted of a fantastic array of personalities: a bouquet of poking, prodding, winsome, wily, mysterious and marvelous creatures. Yes, there have been a few creeps. Apparently, into every life a little Creepdom must fall – especially if it’s raining men – and older men at that!
Strangest and most wondrous of all is the evolution of a friend into something more.
A man who becomes a confidante, a lover, a resident of the partitioned and expansive heart. A man friend who becomes a boyfriend.
But here’s the rub. Don’t women bemoan the fact that men regress in relationships? They become boys as they take us for granted? We then resent the “boyish charm” and nights out with the guys? (Note to self: Explore further. Fact or fiction? Do we cease to treat them as men, thus encouraging behavior as boys?)
More sweeping statements? Why use language that reduces men to boys as they take up the role of committed partner? Is “girlfriend” as petulant a puzzle? And as we hit middle age, have we no alternatives?
How on earth do we say “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” with a straight face? Couldn’t we devise more appropriate terms for the stalwart fellows in our beds and our heads, and the wonderful women in our lives – not wives?
Unmarried Couples, Couples Nonetheless
This weekend’s New York Times offers a few contrasting terms in an article that is all about the committed cohabiting who choose not to legally marry. In “Unmarried Spouses Have a Way With Words,” Elizabeth Weil discusses the definitional dilemmas for those who live together, share children, and eschew the traditional stroll down the aisle.
Our culture is increasingly comfortable with the fact of these families – or perhaps I’m kidding myself and marital status remains as defining as ever. Yet we lack labels for cohabiting couples, and apparently the relationship partners themselves tiptoe through terms (of endearment?) to use for one another.
According to the Times, it seems there was a phrase devised by the U.S. Census Bureau in the 1980s:
“person of opposite sex sharing living quarters,” abbreviated to POSSLQ and pronounced “possle cue.”
POSSLQ. Go figure!
Other terminology mentioned in the article – and, I might add, described as comic or cold – fusband (for fake husband), consort, paramour, baby daddy (this last, best offered in a sarcastic tone).
Padding phrases are also useful – I’ve relied on a few of these myself along the lines of “the person I’m in a relationship with” – (dreadful for the dangling preposition alone) or “the man I’m seeing” which rolls off the tongue with greater ease. Still, it’s simultaneously inexact and amorously ambiguous.
Sex and the City: Boyfriend to Man Friend?
As I can’t seem to bring myself to say “boyfriend” at this stage in my life, I fall back on a scene from Sex and the City (The Movie), with Carrie and Big. She’s in her forties, and he’s in his fifties. They’re in the process of purchasing an apartment together. She refers to him as her boyfriend, to which he responds “Aren’t I a little old to be your boyfriend?” and her reply is something to the effect of “Alright then – Man Friend.”
As for Yours Truly, for now I’ll take Man Friend and consider it good fortune, adequate etiquette, and in French, a reasonable “etiquette” or label.
Significant Other?
Too sterile.
The Man in my Life?
Not bad, though I rather like the simplicity of “My Man,” and find no objections in My Man’s referral to me as “My Woman.”
But I ask you, as I ask myself: Why do we struggle so with language at times, even as it reflects our cultural contradictions? If you’re “involved” and not married, what do you call the Object of Your Desire, or the Companion at Your Breakfast Table? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Faux Spouse About the House?
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I don’t know – this is a tough one. I have something else to add to the complexity – what exactly does “boyfriend” mean? When do you go from dating to boyfriend/girlfriend and where is the distinction? And what do you do if one is okay with the label where the other is not – not for lack of commitment but for being label-adverse? I abhor this whole dating thing. There’s so much unknown with status and labels and it’s a tough conversation (for me anyway). Being married was so much easier – I knew my title and status.
Great questions, Cathy… I wish we didn’t have to label at all.
Maybe I’m just a perrenial adolescent, but i don’t mind the term boyfriend.
Funny, Pauline… I don’t mind being called “girlfriend” so much (makes me feel girly)… but saying “boyfriend” just seems extraordinarily odd to me. I wonder if it’s because we still use woman and girl somewhat interchangeably. But boys and men?
I like possle cue myself 🙂
Excellent! (Perhaps it will grow on us?)
I like “boy toy” as it makes me feel like I have abs again!
All for toys, Curtis! 😉
I always loved the British term ‘partner’. I lived with Bill for 14 years before marrying and he was far more of a partner than either of my previous husbands (the boss and the baby) were. Now I fall into ‘husband’ but sometimes still say ‘partner’ – or often just ‘Bill’ and let people figure it out / guess for themselves. After all, the relationship is between me and Bill and not really a lot of anyone else’s business.
Shelley’s post best captures it for me. Until seeing “partner” suggested, my choice would have been just “friend”. As the main post suggests, friend relationships can have all manner of descriptions (if we actually had the words). There are so many dimensions and complexities to relationships, and they are always changing, so I really don’t see the point or adequacy of having any one word except for the most general.
With that said, there is an issue which remains begging to be addressed that friend doesn’t quite cover, but partner probably does. But as Shelley says, other people shouldn’t be concerning themselves with that. Friends can become lovers, lovers can become friends. Friends can become spouses, spouses can become enemies. For all but the closest friends, I don’t go into that kind of detail. The closest friends don’t need a label – for themselves, or others. The other friends are distant enough that they don’t need or want to know
I like the point that Shelley makes about the relationship being between the partners. I found it very challenging in the beginning to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend as they didn’t seem to lend to the maturity of our relationship, but that is what most people in our culture can best understand. I often use the term My Man, and he calls me his girlfriend. I like the term partner because it implies a greater investment and commitment. Most of the time, I just say Keith or even My Keith.
I’ve been around the world on this one. I had a 3 year live-together relationship and I referred to him as my partner. We were partners in every sense of the word…until we weren’t.
I have used boyfriend for a man I was in relationship with. It is challenging and like Missy June, I like just called him by name. There may never be a Husband again in my life but I am hopeful to find a Partner.
My not-husband is my partner in every sense of the word as we have a family together and share everything, but calling him a boyfriend makes me feel like a teenager. It also cheapens the relationship because that sounds so fleeting, so juvenile, and what we have is so much more. I don’t want to have to justify our relationship to everyone we meet, but using “partner” makes people wonder if I meant a gay partner and using “my girls’ daddy” makes people wonder if we’re no longer together, and that’s why I’m not referring to him by a title.
I know we shouldn’t care about what others think, and for the most part, I don’t, but I like that the NYT article mentions that we, as a society, have not yet come up with a good, acceptable term for this type of relationship because we just don’t feel comfortable with it yet. And it’s sad, really.
I’m in a very diverse neighborhood where our unmarried status is not a big deal, but I was in a company last year that made people uncomfortable not knowing how to refer to my partner when they try to mention him in our conversations so they just default to husband. And that makes me cringe too because, well, he isn’t my husband. It’s just what people say to help them process our relationship.
I do wish we can come up with a better term.
France offers a “partnership” status, Justine, that seems to recognize what we don’t here. Ironically, they don’t seem to have any better a term (best I can tell) – and also default to the equivalent of husband and wife at times.
The word for wife is even more confusing, as it is both “woman” and “wife” in the same term (femme).
Would love if some of my French-residing readers would chime in on this. Perhaps they use “conjoint” or some other term I’m not aware of. (Heather, where are you?)
As far as I’m concerned, Justine, it seems to me that “happy family” fits the four of you. And that’s a huge win in this society.
When my man friend refers to me as his girlfriend, it gives me a good feeling … cherished and more than a friend or acquaintance. It doesn’t imply exclusivity for him … or for me, for that matter. Just that what we share includes intimacy both in sharing our day to day lives and sexually. I rather like the term manfriend (which shows up as a typo, btw), so let’s just say man friend … letting people read between the lines, if they choose. We do often say “A woman friend of mine was telling me about …” so although man friend feels a little awkward at the moment, perhaps in time it will be common and feel perfectly normal as a reference for this type of relationship. Partner confuses me, and I always wonder if it’s a business relationship, even if the two are gay.
What you said about appearance being “readily nudged aside for wit, smarts, and what I perceived as a “heart in the right place” really resonates for me. So true. For me, it’s also “easier to fall in love with a man who shares my values and understands my conflicts,” and it’s something that grows over time and is based in a profound sympathy (same feeling) and world view and on character, rather than being a flash of “love at first sight.” Just another wonderful blog post that I will undoubtedly reread.
Thank you, Bronte. That this resonates for you is truly lovely to hear. So many men seem to think that women today are only looking for a certain package – and not substance. I’m unconvinced that’s the case. And so, it seems, are you.
My husband read the Times article about naming long-time, live-in loves and suggested ‘beaus without knots’. Great, huh?
Julie, Thanks so much for stopping by to read and comment! (And I love love love your husband’s phrase! Fabulous!)
In France referring to someone “ma femme” or “mon homme” definitely gets the point across that he/she is your one and only, married or not. “L’homme de ma vie “ or “Femme de ma vie” (man/woman of my life) is also stated when one is feeling particularly loving or “attached”. I find the French use particularly charming as it expresses more admiration than just “wife,” and whether or not she is 🙂 And if someone doesn’t understand the expression, let him/her look it up. Afterall, “rendez vous” is now a part of the English language 🙂
As the New York Times article pointed out, 40 years ago we didn’t have “Ms.” as a salutation for a woman – instead of Miss or Mrs. and that, at least in many circles, is now one of the acceptable “options.”
Remember the issue of France removing “Mademoiselle” from its official forms? Not that long ago, actually. But to change everyday usage can take a generation or more. I do wonder if we’ll eventually come up with options more of us feel comfortable with. Um, other than POSSLQ, which is beginning to grow on me. 😉
Funny, I went through the same thing when I was dating the man who is now my husband. I was in my early 30s, and he was near 40. I didn’t know why at the time but when it came time to tell my friends about him, I felt odd calling him my “boyfriend.” I felt ashamed of myself for perhaps considering him “old,” but feeling validated by your post I now realize it is because the expression “boyfriend” just didn’t suit him or do him justice…this man, divorced, who had already lived a whole life time before creating a new life with me.
The whole notion of terms and labels is very interesting but I’ll take the western expressions over the Asian ones. In Japan where I met my husband, the word for wife is literally “the one deep within,” referring to women’s station – literal and figural – in life. In Chinese, when my mother referred to my father in polite company, the term she used was “my master.” It’s the same word used to refer to masters, teachers, and doctors. (For the record though, she was anything but subservient 😉 But these expressions are so pervasive that people use them without really realizing what they are saying.)
I have been slow to catch up since the holidays but I have been thinking of you!
This is fascinating, Cecilia, the way in which language captures deeper cultural nuance in attitudes and behaviors. Justine uses “My Guy.” I like that a lot! For a long time, for boyfriend / girlfriend, the French used “petit ami” or “petite amie” and some of my (40+) friends went to ami / amie without the “little” before it. But friend still doesn’t quite work… though it’s better than master!
And a happy 2013 to you and your family, Cecilia!
POSSLQ sounds like an expression I like because of the word play, but never use because it would be demeaning – My Significant Otter (not a typo).
So much to cover here! Do we cease to treat them as men, thus encouraging behavior as boys? is a very interesting concept and I do hope you explore this in more depth sometime in the future. It may explain a lot about why perceptions and actions tend to change in a marriage over time. As for the labels, if I had to choose, I don’t know which I would prefer. Would the equivalent of My Guy be My Girl, My Gal, My Woman? I’ve used My Guy and My Man before and think they’re a safe alternative.
A friend introduced me to her mother as her boy, long pause friend. It was kind of a funny to me as I didn’t understand why she had to include my gender, but I didn’t really care either.
Labels are labels.
At work, where many people knew about the man I was living with (and later married), I used to refer to him as ‘my honey’. Years ago, I was involved with a man who called me his ladyfriend. It made me laugh because it sounded so old-fashioned, not to mention elderly. When I was young and a hippie, I called that love ‘my old man’.
Many of the black women I know use the word “friend” with a sort of meaningful emphasis I have tried and failed to duplicate. There is no mistaking what they mean when they say it.
Delighted you joined the discussion, Barbara. (Some of these expressions are charming.) Odd, isn’t it? That we haven’t more precise options? Or maybe – that’s just as well?
Amazing post. I love the French expressions as they seem to fit perfectly. I can’t imagine using them in my everyday English conversation!
I use several terms interchangeably but never ‘boyfriend’ as I think this would be the worst label of all. I can’t stand labelling him even to appease others (he is not food after all!) but I do it because it makes other people comfortable.