Men. Women. The way we compete or get along. Are we still stuck on why we need each other, or if we do at all?
I love men. I gave birth to two of them (lucky me!) and I couldn’t be more delighted. I’m also happy to have male friends, and a good man in my life.
Yet it is my female friendships that have sustained me – women who have proved to be uplifting, pragmatic, and reliable – my source of support for as long as I can remember.
I trust women, I believe in women, and without a strong female friend I feel as though I’m missing out.
As for men?
For me, I would say men are a want – and also a need, though not a need in the traditional sense of the word.
Need Men?
A recent New York Times op-ed column caught my fancy – and, I confess, made me laugh. I assumed the article was tongue-in-cheek, but it clearly raised the ire of numerous readers.
Professor Greg Hampikian writes:
Women aren’t just becoming men’s equals. It’s increasingly clear that “mankind” itself is a gross misnomer: an uninterrupted, intimate and essential maternal connection defines our species…
He goes on to point out the growing number of women who are reproducing without a man, solely availing themselves of his sperm:
With expanding reproductive choices, we can expect to see more women choose to reproduce without men entirely…
Your life as an egg actually started in your mother’s developing ovary, before she was born; you were wrapped in your mother’s fetal body as it developed within your grandmother.
Tongue-in-Cheek or Offensive Gender Bashing?
The comments, however, reflect that a great many individuals do not find Professor Hampikian entertaining. Taking exception to the purpose of the article, one reader finds little value in suggesting that 49% of the planet’s population is irrelevant. He writes:
As a male raised in a single-female household, I’m well aware that the man wasn’t “required”. We have millions of examples of women raising children without men, and many of those children, like me, do great. But those families may have had an easier time of it if the woman had a loving support right by her side.
And I quite agree – as one of those females who hasn’t had the advantages of a partner at my side through most of my parenting years.
Another remark of interest:
… until the best men the world over face off against their brethren and put an end to the rampant misogynistic and violence against women, women will continue to gain strength in banding together.
Humor, Political Correctness
One comment in particular was irresistible:
… few of the women I have known could find their way around without a GPS, knew instinctively which way to screw a screw, refused to believe that some noise under the hood had any significance, could not judge distance, and all become almost mentally incompetent as soon as they entered a shoe store.
I admit to falling into the category of the directionally challenged and shoe shopping obsessed.
And thus we come to the issue of male bashing, female bashing, and even gender generalizing of any sort – whether talking about women needing men, men needing women, or a variety of assumptions that have little to do with individuals as they relate to each other – and everything to do with being a smart-ass, or possibly, clueless.
I’m not in favor of overdoing “political correctness,” but… relative to male bashing, are the men being super-sensitive? Are the women being insensitive?
What if the roles were reversed in this theoretically humorous piece?
Returning to the question at hand: Do women need men?
Biology is One Thing, “Real Life” is Another
I suppose the arguments presented in the article hold water, but we’re more than biology, more than eggs and sperm, and most of us enjoy our male-female interactions. We learn from each other. We observe and absorb behaviors that may be more “male” or “female,” learned or otherwise, and I personally think we’re the better for it.
I cannot imagine my life without men in it – gay or straight – and “need” versus “want” seems like a game of semantics.
- How do you feel about the necessity of the opposite sex in your life?
- What do you think the point of this article was?
- How do you feel about bashing either gender, or taking a tender ribbing when stereotypical traits hold true?
You May Also Enjoy
Interesting, as always. I think it was a book about the male brain that said that stable relationships with women predicted happiness for men. Our brains are different, women are wired for connection. Our lives (especially with young kids) require some support. And, I think, our power comes from our connections. While men have ladder hierarchies, we often have webs. All that connecting forces us to be better at the subtle art of nonverbal communication and better at building bridges to each other.
As for needing each other, well, of course we do.
Ladder hierarchies versus webs. Love that, Kate.
I think everyone needs someone (or some people). After all, it really does take a village when there are kids involved. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Too bad people get so worked up over this. As for that comment “… few of the women I have known could find their way around without a GPS, knew instinctively which way to screw a screw, refused to believe that some noise under the hood had any significance, could not judge distance, and all become almost mentally incompetent as soon as they entered a shoe store.”, I say f* off to that dude. For every negative, stereotypical “flaw” he can find for women, I can find two for men. But why get into mudslinging like that?
Was totally stereotypical, Cathy. I agree. (But I laughed out loud!) In context, the man’s full comment was very positive toward women, but he mentioned his examples which I personally found humorous.
If I had to get along without a man, I expect I could. I wouldn’t like it much and I might pay some experts to deal with issues I didn’t feel up to tackling.
While I appreciate that there are lesbian woman – and perhaps for their own particular reasons, a few heterosexual women – choosing to have babies without a man legally or emotionally involved, I still have the impression that most women raising children without a man involved aren’t really doing this by choice. I’m thinking it’s generally more about the man’s choice.
The purpose of the article? I just scanned through it, but – being a real cynic here – I decided it was aimed at amusing readers and a) selling newspapers/advertising; b) making money for the author.
Do women need men? I would generalise by saying yes, most women do, at some point and for a while and hopefully for a long time if it works out well. I would hope men needed women in generally the same way.
As a woman, I have a lot of stereotypically male traits. As a child, I was in the 99th percentile in spatial ability, and I have no problem reading maps. I’m not a nurturer like most women, nor am I particularly social with a web of connections.
My husband and I are opposites, but we each bring the qualities that the other lacks. He’s the social one with lots of friends. He loves to cook, but I load the dishwasher because I can see how to make things fit. So we complement each other nicely, despite our uncharacteristic gender roles.
I think people need people. There are things that can be done best by women, and things that can be done best by men, but truly anyone can do anything they set their minds to. Life is fulfilled, I believe, by close relationships, with sexes of the parties being relatively unimportant.
Yes, and vice versa. At least for most folks.
I want men, and I NEED them! My own father is my greatest cheerleader and there are the two men I have birthed. I love girlfriend getaways and have endured a horrible marriage to a ‘less than’ man – but sometimes I just love the burst of testerone and unique perspective of a great man.
I hear you, Missy June… on all counts!
I’m pissed off at mine right now, so I’d love to believe I don’t need him. Grrrrr. But if I think about it, I don’t really “need” him, but he (mostly) does make my parenting life easier and more gratifying.
My answer is that we need you and you need us. Can we survive without each other? Sure, that is not hard but it is not the same. There are things that we get and give that can’t be acquired any other way.
Need? Want? Once I’ve made my deposit at the bank, what good am I? (FYI: I ain’t talkin’ about money.) After all, I know that technically I am not irreplaceable. Rabbit? Canard? For me, it just comes down to two words: blow up.
But putting aside the technical, there is the emotional component to it all. Yes I’m not Eveready and it’s difficult to recharge me however I can make pasta and my admiring glance can sometimes do wonders for the female ego. Okay I may not be “needed” in air quotes but I’ll settle for being wanted. After all want as opposed to need denotes a choice and what’s better than having you choose me?
I’m reading. Occasionally with a chuckle but I’m reading. wb 🙂
@Jack – Mutual need. Yes, though some won’t say as much. Thank you for adding a male perspective.
@WQ – Entertaining and on point, as always. Your notion of ‘choice’ seems powerful to me, better than need. An admiring glance. A highly underrated energy source.
A GPS is not needed in a shoe store. Some things are instinctual.
I don’t totally understand why some feel the need to wage a gender war. We’re different for a reason. Not better, not worse. The genders are designed to complement each other.. Yes, it’s possible for a woman to survive and do well without a man. And sometimes that’s what is necessary. But not ideal. I also agree with you in that I need women friends in my life…for sanity!
🙂
I have been pondering this very question myself. Been married 20 years, 23 total with wife and she wants out now. All of her 45 – 55 female friends are single; divorced or never married who are independent and have given up on dating. They do not need men. They just need their BFFs. My wife is very independent with a great career and a great co-parent to our daughter, she thinks she is dependent and co-dependent on the marriage. She has never lived alone – ever – and now longs to be on her own. Her friends do not need men. Why does she? I believe she is starting to think this way too. Funny thing, middle age.
Yes, we have had our ‘ups and downs’, disappointments etc. but overall, our marriage has been great. I took care of her for a year recently as she fought cancer; always being by her side at doctor visits, chemo and surgery. I have a successful career and ‘held the fort’ while she fought her illness. Still, the pull from the media, culture, Facebook, ‘Sex in the City’ etc. is strong. It is all about women having it all and the reality is they can nowadays. Dunno. My point is that women think they want it all and many believe they do not need a man; especially those 45+.
I love my wife dearly and yes, we are in counseling. Who knows what will happen. One thing I do know is that life is a heck of a lot more fun when you share it with someone who you ‘dig’ in a major way.