Are you pondering the secret to a long life? Are you envisioning a ripe old age? Do you see yourself agile and involved, surrounded by friends and family?
I ask out of curiosity. I ask because a healthy and vibrant old age is one thing, and significant loss of capacity – physical or mental – quite another.
Naturally, we would all like to imagine ourselves living a long and healthy life, which may seem very challenging as we’re increasingly bombarded by health advice that feels more like scare tactics from Big Pharma than anything else. Still, don’t we all wonder about the secret to reaching a ripe old age?
Even if our crystal balls are hazy at best, we do what we can to increase the odds that we’ll age gracefully and well. As for my questions, they aren’t purely rhetorical.
Yesterday, I came across this: Georgia Woman Besse Cooper Celebrates 116.
Think about it. 116 years old. Or should we say – 116 years young?
Focused on Living a Long Life or a Good One?
In reading the article, I quickly noted that it was all about the numbers, the dates, the comparisons. Its focus was on content for the Guinness Book of Records, and whether or not Ms. Cooper might make it to the ultimate old age, documented at 122.
I understand the positioning, but if I were part of Ms. Cooper’s family or circle of friends, I would be more than irritated at not celebrating the meaning and moments of her life to date, but rather life expectancy, (implicitly) wondering how much longer she may hang in.
And that leads me to my contemplation – vague though it is – relative to age, youth, as well as statistics and endurance – over moments and quality.
Quality over Quantity, Anyone?
Don’t get me wrong. I’d like to live a long and healthy life as much as the next person! My secrets to remaining strong and engaged have little to do with age-defying externals, and far more to do with good habits (to the extent that’s possible), and constantly challenging my brain so it won’t get dusty.
But aren’t we a culture that is obsessed with quantity over quality?
- We take this approach in our work lives, or used to: the gold watch at retirement after 40 years.
- We take this approach in our personal lives, or used to: a 50th wedding anniversary, regardless of the “inside view” of the marriage.
- Don’t we talk about the length of the books we’ve read (or number), rather than their content or impact? Or how many activities our children are enrolled in, rather than what they’re learning or enjoying?
We look to last longer, move faster, accomplish more (at least, on paper) – all with stats that document that we are here, and that we are special.
But what about the quality of a quiet afternoon spent talking with a child? A day like any other, except for that, which renders it extraordinary?
What about the confidences shared with a new friend, speaking of something painful, or enchanting?
The Secret to Long Life? Mind Your Own Business!
While the article does give a nod to Ms. Cooper’s response when asked the secret to her long life – “I mind my own business, and I don’t eat junk food,” – we pass over articles with a smile (or a giggle), dismiss the remarkable experiences that anyone who has lived a long life could share, and I believe we’re missing out.
And this leads me back to my questions – which I’m posing to myself, as I am well aware of the mix-master of midlife challenges and changes. And I fight in my own way on the Battlefield of Youth versus Age, critical especially for women as we demonize or trivialize the natural process of growing older.
How old is too old to love, to have a voice, to contribute?
My answer – never – which may not exactly comply with Ms. Besse’s “Mind your own business” advice.
Reaching a Ripe Old Age
I love the idea of living to a ripe old age, a vivacious old age – if it doesn’t mean I lose my faculties or must live in constant pain. I don’t wish to outlive family and friends; I do wish to be part of a thriving community of livers and lovers – if you’ll excuse the oddity of that expression.
That community, in my best of all worlds, crosses many generations.
As for Ms. Besse Cooper, I wish the article in question had offered the readers more of the woman and her stories. I am still of the “old-fashioned” belief that our elders deserve respect, and I delight in those who are older than I, as I do, young children.
And I will say flat out: It bothers me immeasurably that we consider the elderly invisible, insignificant, or a curiosity.
- How do you feel about growing older?
- How do you approach and treat your elders?
- What do you think keeps you energized and vivacious?
- If you could ask Ms. Besse anything, what might that be?
Great post, great questions! Up until recently I really started to fear getting old (am in my early 40s). I grew up with parents who spent half their adulthood dreading the inevitable and I think that thinking rubbed off on me. My husband, who is 6 years older on the other hand, never frets! People constantly believe he is 15 years younger than he really is. He’s just a doer. He doesn’t live inside his head, and he’s constantly active. I began really watching him and trying to learn from him. I figure, the future is going to come whether I worry about it or not, but I’ll never get the present back, so I can choose to sit here and come up with all sorts of disaster scenarios, or I could simply live.
Exercising makes me feel young and less vulnerable, too, I have learned.
I recently broke my leg as you know, and being slowed down and immobile has really made me think. I feel what I imagine many elderly feel, what my mother must feel. She calls once a week, having no problem talking at length about (what to me are) insignificant details, while I am multitasking on the phone line and itching to get to the next thing on my list. I feel I am constantly too busy for her, and now with a broken leg I feel that I am on the other end, that friends are too busy for me. Messages of sympathy are short and superficial. Few actually will offer to stop, listen or offer help. There is that sense that everyone needs to move on with their lives with work, young children, social obligations, etc., as they should. I understand it, and I was (past tense maybe?) one of those very people, but now I also know how lonely it can feel to be the one who is unable to keep up with that speed of life.
You make some excellent points here, D.A.
I saw a headline and a photo of the world’s oldest woman. I didn’t read the article but wondered, in passing, how she was feeling/doing at that age.
Once I made outreach to a 104 year old woman. She was still sharp mentally (amazingly so!) and physically she didn’t have many capabilities left. She said she prayed every night for God to take her.
I’m not really interested in living to be 100+. It seems rare for the quality of life to be good at that point. But, who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind as I get closer to the triple digits.
Aging doesn’t bother me. I love where I am in life–a deep sense of peace and contentment, appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned in life and the deepening wisdom that comes with age. My parents were young when cancer took them–my dad was only 60 and my mom was 62. It scared the unhealthy living out of me, that’s for sure! My husband’s parents were older–his dad lived to be 96 but was a bitter old man. His wife (husband’s mom) was 19 years younger and died of cancer at at 71, 3 years before him. He was pissed about that, too. The older people I know are in two very different categories….elderly people I know through church and elderly street people I know through our Community Feeding team effort. To me, nothing is more beautiful and fascinating than a person who has lived life fully, endured and triumphed, aged gracefully, and stands ready to meet their Maker. And nothing breaks my heart more than an older person who is lost, struggling to have a little dignity, unable to get a break.
What keeps me energized and vibrant is my faith. Seriously. I pray specifically, every day, to have a sensitive spirit, to see beauty in everything…in the faces of the poor, in nature, in my family…I make a very conscious effort every day to be grateful. I know that God alone knows how many days I’ll grace this earth.
She sounds sassy! I think that is what is keeping her young.
Genetics doesn’t hurt, either. My dad has lots of relatives who have lived into their high nineties/low hundreds. He plans on doing the same. Even though he worships hot dogs and thinks mayonnaise is a beverage. And guess what? He’s in great shape, albeit a bit rotund.
Mama–the exerciser and the consistently healthy eater–is the one who keeps getting all kinds of affliction. Unfair, right?
I just know I’d like to go before I go dotty. Dotty isn’t good.
@Cecilia – Being immobilized for a period of time (not to mention, in pain) really gives you insight into what it must be like for someone older, whose “every day” includes a variety of physical constraints. Wonderful points about living in one’s head (or not), and how we dwell on aging versus focus on living.
@Bonnie – I hear you. I recall the way my grandfaher became in his 90s. He was frail, but otherwise pretty much okay. But two of the people he loved most in the world – his wife and his firstborn son (my father) – were already gone. I had the impression he simply had worn out, and was ready to go. I may be wrong, but it somehow – to me – makes sense.
@OldMarriedLady – I love this: … nothing is more beautiful and fascinating than a person who has lived life fully, endured and triumphed, aged gracefully, and stands ready to meet their Maker. Very wise words, at least, to me.
@TKW – Yep, genetics don’t hurt! And then there’s luck of the draw.
Sassy? I’m with you on that one!
What a great post! If i could ask Bessie anything i’d ask her to expand on her conclusion that minding her own business is one of the important factors in a long lived life. Dd she have secrets she didn’t want to share? Did she avoid gossip and is that perhaps indicative of a kind, gracious personality? Is she a bit of a misanthrope? Or is she just spunky and gave that response rather tongue in cheek to the journalist asking the ?
I’m fine with growing “old” ad long as i keep my wits about me. That, i believe, takes engagement now.
You bring up so many excellent points about aging that people just don’t ask. Reaching a number doesn’t mean much to me if it means I’m drooling on myself and sitting in my own crap.
On the front end, I can do all the things that I know will extend my health (notice I didn’t say, “extend my life.”) But I also should be realistic and be clear with my family about what “quality of life” means to me. I’d rather be singing with the choir invisible than making my family feel sad as they try to make the hard decisions I was too cowardly to make in advance.
Like you, I want to live well, not just long. Good post.
Those “decisions” as you say, Chloe. So our families aren’t left to wonder and have to deal with them. Not so easy to make, are they…
So glad I discovered your blog, by the way! (Looking forward to spending some time reading you.)
I have a lot of longevity in my family. Both my grandmothers were in their 90s when they passed. One, however, had lost all mental awareness five years beforehand. I would much rather live to say 80 and be vibrant than in a state of not knowing. I’m all about quality over quantity to a degree … I would want to spread that quality out for a while at least.
Throughout my life I have typically surrounded myself with people older than me. I have always appreciated the wisdom they brought to our conversations.
I have no desire to live a long life. Even if I am able to keep my mental faculties, it still won’t be the same as my younger self. Plus, everyone physically declines even if they are “healthy” for their age. Being a ripe old age just doesn’t sound like something to look forward to in my view.
Methuselah lived nine hundred years.
Say, but who calls that living
When no gal will give in
To no man who’s nine hundred years?
— “It ain’t necessarily so,” Porgy and Bess
122?! Mais nous parlons de Jeanne Calment d’Arles, mais bien sur…She sold Van Gogh pencils when she was a girl and thought that he was dirty and mean.
All I know is that I have had a really interesting life and so I can’t complain. And that means that I have learned a thing or two. If I go soon, I will be sad for the pain it causes others, absolutely. But I have had a good time during this particular dance and will be happy to keep shuffling as long as it is a good shuffle. I have memory problems already at 43 which concerns me but we all have our burdens to carry.
Sold pencils to Van Gogh… Imagine…
I remember my 94 year old grandmother living with us when I was younger. Her secret? Drank lots of water, worried very little and had a strong sense of God. My great-grandmother lived until 102 and was blind at the end of her life. Her laughter was contagious. She endured much, but yet kept everything in perspective.
Great post BLW. And I know you have it right. Living well. That says it all.
It sounds like your grandmother and great-grandmother had it right, Rudri! But I also suspect there were close family ties, aging with dignity, and respect all round. I think those are key elements, and for many in our society, they’ve been lost.