When I had a question about my hosting service recently, I picked up the phone and called the Help Line. Ten minutes later, I had my response, and knew exactly how to accomplish my goal.
But when it comes to asking for help in life, that’s harder.
I was raised to offer help and to give it, but I wasn’t raised to ask for it, much less to take it.
In fact, many of the women I know experience a similar reluctance. They respond to requests for assistance constantly, but struggle with asking for help themselves.
Incidentally, I’m not speaking of the people pleaser personality, but noting the tendency to judge ourselves by a Superwoman standard that is impossible to fulfill – without help.
High Achieving Women, Individual Stories
How is it that our own expectations as women are so out of whack? Why do we believe we can accommodate an unlimited number of challenges on our own – the epitome of “having it all and doing it all” – as if anything else is a sign of weakness?
Is this the misconception of high achieving women? Those of us whose self-esteem is wrapped around an excessively complex definition of success?
Is this an issue of individual stories? Competitive family dynamics or inadequate models of women working together?
My own mother – a brilliant woman – relied on manipulation to get what she wanted. She asked for help too often and with the narcissist’s air of entitlement. I was so intent on never indulging in that sort of behavior that I may have swung to the other extreme.
Friends to Count On
The gift of a genuine friendship is not to be taken lightly. I might add that for single mothers in particular, it’s the key to survival.
I have one woman in my life with whom I share confidences – everything from the delights of a favorite television show (yes, Mad Men) – to some of the most wrenching issues a parent can face.
We trust each other. We are not in competition. Occasionally, we ask one another for help. If she asks, I give. If I ask, she gives.
To have all my eggs in this one griendship basket is concerning. And yet, I’m grateful for the relationship and for the reciprocity that exists. We speak to each other plainly, we thank each other sincerely, and we don’t take each other for granted. The ability to ask for help without discomfort or fear of judgment remains unique for both of us.
The Value of Teams
In my corporate and consulting life, I’ve frequently worked on teams. The path to excellence includes responsibility for one’s piece of the pie, but also to the project as a whole. If one team member sees another struggle, it’s usual to jump in and help. If additional resources are required, asking (or justifying) in a professional context is rarely a problem.
Yet we don’t carry this ease into our personal lives as women. Instead, we buy into notions of perfect performance that are not only unrealistic, but potentially detrimental. In contrast, the men I know are focused on results.
I’m not saying that men don’t take on too much as well. But generally, I believe they assess more clinically and enlist an assist – voluntary or paid – to accomplish what they cannot reasonably do alone.
Superwoman, Supermom, Serious Consequences
I was reminded of my tendency to play Superwoman earlier this week, when in my (all too typical) rushing through an overloaded day, it took shattered glass to stop me in my tracks. And thankfully, it did, before anything more dramatic happened.
There are plenty of stories of accidents resulting from not paying attention – we’re frazzled, we’re tired, we’re distracted – and the consequences may involve injury, not just a loss of time or a checklist left languishing.
Self-sufficiency is one thing, but stubborn independence is another. Not only is it an ineffective model for contemporary life, but it’s a poor example for our children.
The Superwoman Myth is just that – myth – for single mothers, married mothers, women in general who continue to carry heavier burdens on the domestic front, even though we’re bringing home the bacon.
Sure, prioritizing makes a difference. But it isn’t enough. We need to manage our own expectations, and learn to ask for help from each other.
- Are you able to ask for help?
- Do you have friends or family you turn to for a hand?
- Do you bite off more than you can chew and hesitate to admit it?
- How can women learn to ask each other for assistance, and perceive it as strength – not weakness?
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Our culture reveres the individual, independence and self-sufficiency. We are very success driven. We take pride in these things. Sometimes, asking for help can feel like we are admitting some personal weakness, defeat – and – well, we might be a little needy. I really do believe it is partly a consequence of living in our American culture – keeping up with the Joneses, youth-oriented, designer-labeled, superficial culture.
Then, there is the whole ‘women are nurturers’ – doing for others, taking care of others – sometimes to the neglect of ourselves. I think this is partly why we take on too much. Good intentions.
For me, it is definitely difficult to ask for help. But, I will. If I have to. I am fortunate to have good family support if I need it. And I have a great best friend, who has helped me weather some storms.
I no longer take on more than I can handle. About five years ago, I was so overwhelmed by the amount of volunteer work I took on, I gave it all up for a while. I have learned to say no. It makes me feel a little guilty – but only a little.
You are so fortunate to have such a very good friend! I was reading a post today from a SAHM who doesn’t know one other SAHM, and she is hoping to find a best friend. I felt so sad for her. The support of true friendship is invaluable.
Another thought provoking post 🙂
You raise excellent points, Robin. As to my best friend, I feel very fortunate indeed. Finding any sort of support is not so simple these days, regardless of the roles we’re juggling or the multiple hats we’re wearing. Perhaps that part of the power of our online communities.
You are so lucky with that friend. I had the tiny new buds of that kind of relationship before we moved three years ago.
I remember once offering a ‘friend’ to watch her then 18 month old so she could go to prenatal yoga (where we met 20+ months before). She said, oh that’s sweet, but then you’d expect me to watch your daughter… I was honest, yes, I would hope you would help me out too. She never took me up in the offer.
I have to tell you, Kate… I’ve seen my share of that behavior you just described as well. And yes, I consider myself very lucky to have this friend.
In the days my mother was a SAHM while also attending college, there were many other moms around, and parents were also less involved in the scheduling and chauffeuring that we see today. Mothers got together more, shared watching the kids more, were able to spell each other a bit. And also, families were less dispersed.
The thing about asking for help is – you have to be prepared for people to say no. That’s hard. But you have to be willing to keep asking, or you never have the opportunity of a yes.
These days? If women don’t help each other out, it’s pretty sad. And I’d like to think more women would give generously – just as they do in online communities – paying it forward if you will, because it’s always valuable to do so.
I am fortunate because I have one friend that is the same to me. The tit-for-tat runs generously and the word “no” is hardly ever heard because we both know how hard it is to ask for help in the first place. Then again I’ve known this woman for 32 years. She is like a sister and I’m blessed.
However, I don’t often ask others for help. I feel almost “helpless” when I have to ask. I do know how to slow down so I don’t have to ask for help.
I am horrible about asking for help. Why do I find it so shameful?
And you are right–this SuperWoman myth needs to be flushed. It just makes all women feel incompetent/guilty.
Exactly, TKW.
I never ask for permission, but I always ask for help.
I was raised in the midwest, where we are extra deficient in the ability to ask for help.
I have been playing the role of Super Woman for the past two weeks as I try to prepare for a big product launch at work and accompanying business trip, care for my husband who had major shoulder reconstructive surgery, and single-handedly take care of family business. It’s been hard and stressful and exhausting. Of course I didn’t ask for help, and when one friend heard of my situation and offered help in the form of dinners, I didn’t take her up on it. Why? Because in the dozen years I’ve known her she’s helped me often but never ever allowed me to help her. I’m not comfortable with the imbalance. (Perhaps your next post can be on how to accept help when it’s offered. For my friend, not me!)
I love this line: “Not only is it [stubborn independence] an ineffective model for contemporary life, but it’s a poor example for our children.” We always have to stop and think what we’re really modeling, don’t we?
I can understand not being comfortable with the imbalance.
A post on how to accept help when it’s offered. It’s an excellent suggestion, thank you, ASuburbanLife. I’m going to have to ponder that one. I am, myself, still learning how. Asking is one thing, accepting – whether as a result of that or simply because someone has offered – it’s something else again. Yes, we do have to stop and think about what we’re modeling.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I hope things lighten for you, that your husband heals quickly, and that your launch goes well.
Yes yes, I have this too… and in fact came down earlier this week with what felt like the flu because I’d taken on too much. I rarely ask friends for help because they’re usually even busier than me. But I have my husband who works from home with me, and when it comes to certain things I am a bit passive aggressive; for example, I won’t ask for help because I hate to have to *ask* for it. And then at other times I simply believe that I’ll do it better…
I recently babysat for a friend who really has her hands full. I told her my schedule was free and that she can take her time. But she rushed back in 90 minutes apologizing profusely, and then took me out to lunch to thank me. I do also love it when girlfriends can finally cross that line of discomfort and simply ask for help without worrying about “owing” something. But it is hard… I love offering help but I also find it difficult to burden someone else. What a wonderful relationship you have with your friend!
I have lifelong friends yet only a rare few of them would I ask for help. I know most would give it willingly but I am not one to ask. I like to solve my own problems and I am not as apt to ask when I am feeling out of sorts. My friends are all so different and serve different purposes in my life. My best friend of 42 years died in 1998 and I miss the idea that I could tell her anything and she would listen mostly and give some advice but mostly let me vent. I miss her every day.