Yesterday’s musing on change generated some interesting comments, and a flow of additional thoughts on this topic that warrant further exploration.
Perhaps it’s the time of year. What better season to undertake changes in ourselves than Spring, as renewal and regrowth in nature remind us that change is possible?
Among the comments that intrigued me was the issue of gender differences. Are women more willing to attempt change than men? Changing themselves, or changing others? Are those changes likely to be skin deep, or part of the emotional and behavioral terrain?
And my own questions continue.
Is it easier to change when we’re younger, or is that a simplistic myth?
Should we be more actively modeling change for our children – possibly using a different vocabulary, and one that is more specific? For example, we might speak of encouraging flexibility, resourcefulness, open-mindedness – and make very sure we’re acting on those traits in a case of “do as I do” rather than “do as I say.”
Are we more likely to change when we’re in a relationship – and a supportive one at that? A relationship that anchors us in some fashion, so change is less daunting?
One comment that truly captured my interest came from Alain, as he mentioned “an anchor to help the other partner welcome the change.”
Is that the key to positive change that does not fracture a relationship? Is it key to sustaining change that is desirable and positive? Without support of some sort, are we less likely to change, or more easily undermined in the process of change – by ourselves or others?
What about anchors with chains that are so long and heavy that they threaten to tangle us up and ultimately sink us?
Self-Sabotage
The concept of self-sabotage isn’t new to me. I doubt it’s new to most of us. We start off in a new relationship full of chipper determination to “do better” than we have in the past, and we fall back into old routines that bring the romance crashing down. We begin a project, a set of resolutions, a diet – and we undermine our own progress by giving in to temptation or, simply out of habit.
I think of self-sabotage as a resistance to change in ourselves – out of discomfort, fear of the unknown, lack of awareness or denial of our own destructive patterns.
My own experience with self-sabotage dates to childhood, as I watched my stunning but obese mother fail at losing weight, time and time again. She would lose twenty pounds then regain thirty; lose forty and regain fifty. Once, in her forties, in a program that required a year of her life and extraordinary courage, she succeeded. She lost more than 100 pounds, and for awhile, she kept it off.
She struggled to recognize the woman in the mirror. Her relationships weren’t suddenly “fixed” after losing what she viewed as The Obstacle to All Things Good. Instead, she found herself with no more excuses for why the world wasn’t going her way. Without addressing the real issues, a year later she was back to where she began – obese, and more defeated than ever.
She had shed the weight, but not her unhappiness, not her destructive habits, and not her cruelty.
Sabotage by Supposedly Supportive Friends
What if we aren’t resistant to change, or we accustom ourselves to it, taking the time we need to process the change?
We may be adjusting to positive changes physically, emotionally, financially, or professionally. But what if those closest to us – family and friends, even co-workers – feel threatened by the changes we are undergoing?
Who hasn’t observed (or experienced) the long-time pal who loses a great deal of weight – and suddenly garners all kinds of attention not to mention, a growing confidence? What about relatives who say they liked you better the way you were before? Or those who put temptation in your path – a cigarette if you’re trying to kick the habit, a drink if you’re going off alcohol, a piece of chocolate when you’re paying attention to your eating habits?
Is it a matter of competition, or fear that the nature of the relationship will change? Is it the usual – we’re more comfortable with whatever is familiar or, it’s difficult to see someone else achieve success if we, ourselves, haven’t found a way to do so?
Does it boil down to envy? Does it differ in every case?
Anchors Aweigh?
When Alain offered his comment that we need an anchor in relationship, and a welcoming one at that, the image I saw in my mind’s eye was of small boats, colorful, able to float but not drift too far. I imagined boats anchored sufficiently so as not to be at risk, but allowed to move with the ebb and flow of the tides and currents.
When we face illness, loss, divorce, unemployment, periods of inner struggle, battles against addiction – even the years when teenagers try every ounce of patience we have – where do we find our anchors? How do we keep the world recognizable as changes beyond our control must be confronted, as well as those we choose to undertake?
When we initiate personal change, whatever the impetus, how do we find the means to reassure those people in our lives who act as anchors to ground us? How do we keep them in our corner? And what about those changes that require us to pull up anchor – and go?
So many great thoughts here, BLW. I’ve been thinking a lot about change myself lately and I think you put your finger on something really important here: embarking on a change without understanding why you want it and what the ramifications might be (both for yourself and the people you love and who love you) is often a fool’s errand. I am the queen of making big resolutions, but the ones that stick are the ones that I’ve done the hard emotional legwork on.
The hard emotional legwork, yes. I hear you, Kristen.
Change seems to disrupt any and all in my life… and more than likely because people seem to expect me to be a certain way. I’m not the same and therefore, our relationships aren’t either.
All that I can do is honor myself and be my own anchor.
We do need to be our own anchors, don’t we. You’re so right, T.
But not everyone is strong enough to be their own anchor – at least – not strong enough at certain points. Imagine if we could be our own anchors and have the genuine support of those who say they’re there for us.
I look back on the 35 years of my adult life and realize all the changes I have made for the better are rarely ones I deliberately sought out. My husband has been my anchor. Financially, he has (usually) been the one to maintain a job that provides healthcare, so that I could have more freedom and creativity in my career choices. Emotionally, he has been my biggest fan, the one to say, yes, you CAN do it. I have learned that I am a good teacher, public speaker, actor/singer/dancer in community theater, and an array of other things that I would have been terrified of doing 30 years ago, because of his belief in me. Together, we have been able to travel in wild or scary places we would never have ventured to alone.
Life experience and experiences, too, have caused change. The encounters in my work allow me to become more compassionate, to open my heart. Traveling reveals other cultures, religions, traditions and ways of being, and has helped me be a citizen of the world. Having a child made me grow in more ways than I can name, and gave me a confidence I had never know before. Encountering and accepting the physical limitations of ageing has humbled me.
Of course, being OPEN to change, wanting to entertain possibilities and options results is positive change. And rolling with the changes and understanding that change happens, whether we want it or not, like it or not, changes us, for the better.
Wow. So much clarity, Lunaboogie. Fantastic, the way a good relationship to encourage us to continue discovering.
Would you share this comment with your husband? Is he aware of how much you appreciate the way he’s been there for you? I can only imagine that you have been there for him as well.
As for the physical limitations of aging – we don’t seem to want to speak of them in our culture, as if it’s weakness, as if the denial will somehow help maintain a perky surface. But limitations are inevitable, aren’t they? Shouldn’t we speak of them, as well as how they humble us (as you say) – but may also free us in other ways?
I say again – wow – to both of you.
While anchors are essential, building the boat itself seems a central task—something that can rise and fall with the ever changing tides. I’m inclined to believe that we can make our greatest changes, inner and outer, when we are anchored by love (in whatever form it arrives, but marked by authentic understanding and empathy; it is anchoring to be truly known, an anchoring that frees us more than limits us).
Change…seems like NOTHING BUT these days. I have welcomed a first grand-daughter, while moving my mother into assisted living. When I can soothe the whirlwind inside me I realize that while this is overwhelming, it is a time of the most significant change. I see the word anchor, and I realize that I am facing life on the planet without the one anchor I have counted on my entire life. when my mother is gone, every thing will be different…and yet I am more anchored then I new could be possible by the presence of this baby girl. She has already come to know my face and my voice. She lites up when I walk in…not unlike my mother every time she sees me. Opening to the possibilities that come with change and trying to not be afraid!
Being the Sandwich Generation is a strange sort of middling ground isn’t it, Kristine? When both my parents were gone, I was extremely disoriented for a period of time. Getting used to being the “oldest generation left” – and to me, too soon – was very odd.
We have to find other anchors. And as some have already said, be our own anchors.
Becoming a grandparent must come with an extraordinary set of mixed feelings. But overwhelmingly, I can feel your joy. 🙂
My sister and I muse on this often, finding it amazing that we’re now “in charge,” that people look to us to be the anchors. We plan the family get-togethers, we make sure to stay in touch – but how did this happen? When was the baton passed to us? And who in the world thought we’d be able to handle the responsibility?
Yes, yes, and yes! Really good things you raised here. It’s so interesting that change is the hardest thing to do, yet it’s one of the things that life is guaranteed to bring you. I saw long ago (career-wise) that the people who were open and able to change were the most successful. I’d say that is true for our relationships and other parts of our lives, too. Sadly, I think we spend too much time trying to change other people!
Thanks for visiting, Suzanne! (I wonder how it is that change is easier when we’re kids… or is it?)
Yesterday you asked me why I thought gender made a difference…and I honestly don’t know if I have an answer! In my experience, it seems that women are more willing to morph into what they think they need to be (for themselves or someone else) than men. Call it survival instinct? I don’t know. I do think people tend to resist change because of fear of the unknown. And if a person is not grounded with some sort of anchor, that fear can cause them to become reclusive…never willing to venture out and try anything new. My anchor? I think you know it’s my faith. While love and support of friends and family have gotten me through some really rough times, my faith is what ultimately settled my soul that everything was going to be okay…regardless of the change in front of me. Great stuff! Thanks for your thoughts today…and always.