This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to imagine my ideal living arrangement, but as life changes, so do our opinions on what works for us – and doesn’t.
A few days back, the New York Times dished up a discussion on the advantages and disadvantages of living alone – and how we’re reconfiguring our communities as a result.
May I suggest that what we view as the ideal living arrangement is largely based on stage in life?
Oh – and money?
Sure, some of us are more emotionally needy than others and can’t stand to live alone. But generally, our requirements for sustaining a healthy outlook and positive living situation at 25 differ from those at 50 and of course, at 75.
Not convinced? Think about it.
Living Together
In our twenties we’re young, healthy, strong, curious, and ready to take on the world. We’re not jaded – yet. At least, I know I wasn’t. We also don’t need big bucks to make it through the day.
And if we’re in love or even in lust? The extent of togetherness time is a matter of choice.
When I was in my twenties, some of my friends tried daily interaction – come to think of it, so did I – opting for cohabitation or marriage, convinced we’d found the right person or possibly because it was expected.
Either way, typically, hard-core responsibilities don’t require another adult – at least – not until there are children.
Married Life, Real Life, After Life
Once you add kids to the mix, with or without marriage, it’s all hands on deck – and likely, all dollars as well.
Long-distance relationship or traveling parent while child-rearing? It’s only a matter of time before there’s trouble in paradise, and that’s typically a bit too much space, at least for the partner on home turf.
Then there are those other pesky stones thrown at our glass houses – the challenges that drag on due to injury or illness, family issues that may lift us out of the workforce for periods of time, and subsequent difficulties climbing back into the workforce. And what about fatigue that accumulates as a natural consequence of the years – especially if the family unit crumbles?
Doesn’t the “ideal” living arrangement shift, not as a matter of personal preference so much as practicality? The need for extra hands? The financial squeeze?
Couples Living Together
Author and psychologist Bella DePaulo writes of those who are “single at heart,” exploring the many ways that individuals are opting out of traditional couplehood at various stages in life.
Many of us like the idea of being part of a couple, but the expectation of living together – day in and day out – may seem less than ideal. Does that make us “single at heart” by anyone’s definition? Must we even have such a definition?
Some of us may prefer aspects of single life, though I bristle at the “single at heart” designation, which strikes me as dated and slightly judgmental. Personally, my ideal living situation at this stage is living together partially – sharing space with a man four days (and nights) a week, dividing domestic tasks as well as the pleasures of intimacy and trust, while allowing for the solitude I need.
Yet aging comes with practical issues that make living alone more problematic. This is where communal living of some sort offers advantages.
Marital Status Bias
The problem I have with the notion of “single at heart” is this: It implies (to me) that believing in one’s “other half” or a “soul mate” remains the pinnacle, the promised land, the fictitious destination in which we sacrifice our wholeness of self on the altar of romantic love.
The hierarchy of marital status is alive and well, and “married” remains at the top of the heap.
I don’t consider that viewing oneself as half of anything is healthy. And isn’t it time we got over marital or romantic status as a measure of self-worth, or one status superior to another?
Seeking Space
Dr. DePaulo explains her perspective:
A study of married couples at two different points in time showed that even living together under the same roof is not what it used to be. In 2000, the couples were less likely to eat together or work on projects together than they were in 1980. They also had fewer friends in common.
Are we all just crying out for more solitude and separation?
I think not. What we are really seeking is the optimum balance of time alone and time together.
I can’t help but think that the growing need for space with or without marriage is a response to a culture that puts pressure on individuals at every turn.
We’re pressed and stressed, worried about jobs, fretting over children, anxious over paying bills. We hustle through the days and nights, harried and overcommitted, and reminding ourselves to breathe. If we aren’t sitting around the table eating dinner together it isn’t so much a choice as a consequence – of conflicting priorities, single parent burnout, impossible schedules – all of which sits in a larger cultural context that pits Fairy Tale Families against Harsh Social Reality.
Living Arrangements Lose Luster
At 25, single, and working – though I made little money at the time – the last thing I wanted was to live with someone – anyone. I was learning about myself and the world. I was exploring. I was thrilled to no longer have roommates, coming and going as I saw fit, meeting friends who also lived alone – most of us frugally, in our tiny, sparsely furnished apartments.
At 50, divorced, cobbling together a living, and raising kids solo, would anyone deny that options are more limited? The ideal has less to do with romance, sex, or companionship than any means to get a break from the barrage of emotional, logistical, and financial headaches.
Of course there is an emotional component as well. Who wouldn’t want a supportive, loving adult at their side?
Retirement – What Retirement?
As for the future, for millions of Americans, “retirement” is the lost dream, the hazy repose of our parents’ or grandparents’ generation.
Ours is a Brave New World: We’ve put in our 30 years, our 40 years, our 50 years working at something; we’re still scrambling to cover the basics, and wondering how in the hell we got here.
If we’re lucky, we have love or at least companionship – maybe it’s the second time around or the third; maybe it’s via an unconventional set of partners or friendships.
Or, we’re staring into the future on our own.
Dr. DePaulo writes:
Adults approaching the end of their working years are opting out of “retirement homes” and instead creating their own communities.
And I would ask – might this be a matter of money, life after divorce, or a shaky economy – rather than preference?
Ideals and Ideology
“Ideal” is always intriguing to contemplate, and offers us the benefits of slowly shaping our paths toward something better. But I can’t help but believe that pragmatism for individuals and expediency for institutions ultimately trump ideology.
Where that leaves marriage, cohabitation, and communal living, I’m not sure. But I’d be curious to peek in on American society 50 years from now and see what has changed if anything. I wonder if traditional models will have ceded to something more fluid and more humane for every stage, or if we’ll still be fighting the same battles.
You May Also Enjoy
I enjoy having my own space, certainly. And I enjoy sharing the responsibility for a home and all that comes with it. And many (but not all) of my hours. My desires for living space have shifted with time, but there is one constant. I want a community. More so now, and I expect more as time goes by.
I would love to have dear friends or family next door and down the street. People of various ages and stages who can all support each other in the little ways community does. Sharing meals – especially at holidays when it’s easy to be lonely. Keeping eyes on each other, knowing routines and patterns and helping when things are not quite right. Giving children the extra care that a grandparent or aunt might (by blood or choice). Playing games together – sports, board games, cards, whatever suits your fancy.
My grandma moved to a retirement home when my grandpa was quite ill, and soon after he died. But, she found great joy in that home. There was a garden that she helped manage, tutoring programs at nearby schools, classes on Shakespeare and the opportunity to share so much. She called it her finishing school. Very much tongue in cheek.
Your grandmother sounds like a spirited woman, still engaged – and that is certainly part of what community does for us, Kate, I agree.
You mention other aspects of community which are so important. Not only the help and social interaction, but watching out for each other.
This is – or was – what we used to have in families and neighborhoods, but which seems to be disappearing and for some of us, long gone. I think it’s a loss for all of us, but I don’t know how we get back there or rather, move ahead to a contemporary version that would work. Virtual communities are helpful in many ways, but not when we need touch, when we need help picking up a child at school when the other is home sick, when we ourselves are worn down and need a hand.
I sometimes joke with my husband that I’d like two connected small houses, a la Frieda Kahlo and Diego R. He smiles. He needs his space even more than I need mine. Thankfully, our house has two stories and we make it work well.
Some think of Woody and Mia, others of Carrie and Big. I love that you thought of Frieda and Diego, Leanne!
We really do need that “room of one’s own” don’t we – some of us more than others.
At this point of my 46 year old life with two divorces under my belt, I can honestly say that I cannot concieve of sharing my space on a permanent basis. Sure there’s the bitter and jaded thing but I like that my new house feels like me. Just me. I will have one birdie out of the nest in a year so I may be singing a different tune since I will only have one little birdie in my nest half the time.
I do see communities created by location and by social or religious backgrounds as I do home health nursing. It’s been uplifting to see how those social structures form for my patients living outside of retirement communities.
Thanks so much for commenting, Laura. I imagine you’re chomping at the bit (on some level) to see those birdies fly – and there’s no predicting how we’ll react. At least, at found that to be true for myself.
I hear you on the distinct pleasure of a place that is “just yours.” It can feel like a deep breath at times. And I know what you mean about life after divorce and raising kids, and wondering if sharing a space on a daily basis is something you can ever tackle again…
(I hope you’ll keep us posted on how you manage your emptying nest. I find I’m still figuring it out as I go, and I’m certainly not there yet, wherever “there” may be.)
A new commenter, a relatively new (and most appreciative) reader. How you manage to nail what I’m pondering these days in your posts is rather astonishing. I’m trying to find balance and struggling: wanting to maintain hard-earned independence, comfort with being alone, with regret that I spend more time alone than with others; integrating togetherness with someone where we love each other deeply, yet cannot be together for several more years because of children (and court ordered rules), travel, work. How much is too much togetherness/separation, now and then? Is it okay to need someone who cannot be there, physically as the long distance precludes it? When you each are the other’s emotional support, must you actually reside together to maintain the closeness, or will constant proximity dull the experience? It’s refreshing to see someone who writes so well grappling with these issues, and makes me feel like I am not so strange, wanting my cake and eating it, too.
Gretchen, welcome. Thank you so much for your kind comments and for jumping into the conversation.
Boy, do I get where you are – trying to figure out how to manage kids, unable to move, not quite able – ever – to embark on a “new life” and uncertain what that might look like. And I don’t think you’re strange at all (I’m smiling at that) – at least – no stranger than most of us who’ve been around the marriage-mobile once, and are trying to learn from what worked and didn’t. Besides, we’re older (hopefully wiser), life is complicated (emotional and financial investments have trickier consequences), and we’re trying to hedge our bets to protect ourselves because we’ve learned that we must.
As for the long distance, having been there done that, sometimes I think it can work and does; it really depends on those involved and how well you “work” as a couple, doesn’t it?
I hope you’ll comment again. It helps me feel less alone out here – putting what goes through my mind into this public venue.
Not wanting to be half of anything….I like that perspective. We all need to be whole individuals for our own sanity and the sake of any type of relationships we may have. I’m a huge proponent of living together before marriage. Because marriage isn’t just about being soul mates…believe in them or not. It’s about learning how to stand each others flaws in day to day life so you can have some assistance throughout your life…especially raising children. I liked your section on being apart, too. I don’t know how military spouses with children do it. Mad respect for them.
So glad you stopped by and commented, FemmeFrugality. Couldn’t agree more about military spouses. Incredible sacrifice, daily.
For the economic and mental framework we’re in, our current married relationship is the best possible. But I wouldn’t push it on others, and don’t know that you can call it any sort of the pinnacle (see http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/18/us/for-women-under-30-most-births-occur-outside-marriage.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha2
The stability/resources and varied experiences for the family with children is a concern for me, however. Single makes it more challenging.
I like Rilke’s definition of love as “two solitudes.” I also look for community whenever I can find it.