I haven’t lost it. Yet.
But I’m biting my lip, and sleeping less. I’m weary, from worry. From the habit of worry.
My kids aren’t adults, but they’re getting close. More importantly, they believe they’re adults – or nearly. They’ve been living on their own – my elder for three years, and his brother, for four months. But now that they’re under my roof? The worry gene is activated again.
And I had just grown accustomed to not worrying, dammit.
My boys are required to respect my rules, and they do. Oh, nothing too tough – fundamentals like respect, civility, consideration, basic communication. What’s expected is very manageable.
Time and Timing
But the requirement to let me know their whereabouts? When (or if) they’ll be home, though spending nights with friends is a common occurrence? Not only is it a matter of courtesy, but it’s a necessity when it comes to juggling food, errands, more cooking than usual, my schedule, and a shared car.
They keep me informed, but that all-important text to do so?
It may appear after I’ve gone to bed – or attempted to go to bed.
Testing Limits vs Pushing Limits
We’ve always respected each others’ privacy in this house, and continue to do so. My sons know me to be open-minded in many respects (teenage sex at home, for example), and they’re well aware of the behaviors that concern me.
They aren’t testing limits and I know it, but they’re pushing them – and through no fault of their own. This is the natural consequence of growing up: the limits they’re pushing are mine as a parent.
My experience of my sons is largely bounded by this home and their childhood – what else could it be – and so I become the second hand recipient of their growing beyond me. The dilemma is mine, and to the extent that it spills over, theirs.
Il n’y a pas de hasard
My French friends adore the expression “il n’y a pas de hasard” which loosely translates to “it’s fate” or “it’s meant to be.”
While I sense there is truth in the feeling, I don’t buy in wholeheartedly. Wouldn’t that mean diminishing personal responsibility?
As parents, we send our children out into the world tenderly and with trepidation, whether they’re five and attending kindergarten or twenty-five and starting life in a new city. Yet leaving their welfare to “fate” is the last active approach or philosophical barometer a parent would utilize, though we may be left to pray that the fates will be kind – and our wiser voices, clearly planted in their heads.
Transitions in Parenting Style
A few days ago? I was cranky.
This? It’s something different.
I am experiencing a sort of casting adrift, not unlike the weeks after I launched my younger son. And perhaps this is another variant of transition – mine, more than theirs.
So here I sit having “survived” ten days of my boys being home, cherishing some of that time already, and as for the rest – worried and irritable.
I have continued to allow some of the comings-and-goings, nixed others, and I’m accepting my own inevitable limitations. I can ask where they’re going and with whom, but at this point, I don’t know many of the people who populate their lives.
What Happens After Empty Nest?
Apparently, Empty Nest doesn’t stay empty for very long. At least, not for some of us. Older teenagers or adults return home for a variety of reasons, and personally, I think more multi-generational communal living would be good for all of us.
Right now?
I’m taking deep breaths, biting my lip, digging for patience, and seeking the ability to put myself in my kids’ shoes. I’m anticipating that I’ll adjust to their presence right about the time they pack up to leave. And at this stage, perhaps the best I can do is to tell myself that all will go well – if it’s meant to be.
- What should we expect of the teenager returning home from college, or even the 21-year old?
- What about the 20-something adult returning to the nest to stay for a week, for a month or longer?
- What parental responsibilities are both reasonable and realistic as children become adults?
You May Also Enjoy
I remember that this happened to me when my kids came home for holidays. They spent very little time at home with me but more catching up with their friends. I learned not to plan my days dependent on them just because they were home. I did my own thing and when it worked to get together we did. I just lowered my expectations and it worked. Now they are married with their own families and I still plan my life and when they visit or come to town (one son lives away) we get together when it works for everyone. Not all about them now. I like it. It takes some changing about interdependence and letting go.
Ah, Madge, the voice of experience on this one! I daresay you are right. This is the first go-round of winter break post Empty Nest, and I was just getting used to my own independence… Letting go, yes. And on their part as well. As in my shuffling things around for them… both labor of love and, well, just labor…
My Dad and I lived together for about a year, some time after he and Mom split up. I was 19 or 20 by then and had lived away from home for several years. He had long felt repressed by Mom (fairly or un- it’s not the point) and he said to me “I won’t ask you where you are going or when you’ll be back and you can do the same for me”. Fine, I thought. Then one weekend I went away – with friends of his, actually – to Arkansas to babysit their kids while they were having a break. I think I assumed they had mentioned this to my Dad – he had initially mentioned they were interested in a babysitter – and they thought I would have, no idea why. When I came back, he was really calm and didn’t seem at all upset with me but what he said chilled me. “Well, then, good thing you weren’t dying in an alley somewhere, because I wouldn’t have known whether to look for you or not.” I was a lot better about letting him know my plans after that!
The thing is, though, I’m assuming you didn’t know where they were every night when they lived on their own, so I can see where it would be very hard to pick up this habit again of notifying you. I know that when I’m trying to set boundaries regarding other adults (and if you let them live on their own, then I think the adult / not-adult issue has been determined, whether or not they fully meet the definition) I can only set them in terms of what I will or won’t do. (One can say ‘accept’ or ‘not accept’ but then what would you DO about it?) In Georgian England (I’m reading a book about it), households were locked up tight at 11 pm and young male lodgers who didn’t make it in by then were locked out for the night. They ended up at the watch house, whatever that is. The other option might be to turn off your phone when you go to bed and tell the young men that if their text for help or other arrives after then, they’ll have to get by on their own wits until morning – or if it’s really important, call you on your landline. Are you willing to cook for them or just to stock food that they can cook for themselves? Will you be doing their laundry or will they be responsible for that themselves? I don’t think young people move home to spend more time with Mom and/or Dad; they move home to have their needs met (basic or other) while they get on with their other priorities.
I don’t know if you are prepared to just let them be lodgers, whether you require them to pay rent, if you provide restaurant or laundry services. Those are all your decisions to make. If they don’t tell you about meals, you could say you won’t be cooking for them anymore unless you know they’ll be home by dinner time, and you need to know that by what time of day. I can see where food purchasing could be pretty complicated unless you just keep the pantry stocked with basics. Anyone who was unpredictable with my car simply wouldn’t have use of it again, but that’s just me. Easy for me to say, too, as I’m not a parent. I’ve step-parented a total of six children, though, and I do know they need to know what the boundaries are – your boundaries. These are, of course, only my opinions.
What I was interested to hear from Bill’s son, when he came to stay for a couple of days between visiting his Mom at Christmas and meeting up with a girlfriend for New Years, was that he found it restful to be with us. He and I sat in the room together each reading our own book, chatting occasionally, then reading some more. His mom wanted to talk to him the whole time he was with her following him all over her house until he decided to leave and get some peace. I felt sorry for his mom, who obviously misses him and wants to know all about what is going on in his life, but I was pleased he felt happy with us. I think the main difference is that I just like Simon as a person and I don’t feel entitled to know all about him.
I’ve just re-read your comments, Shelly, and there’s so much to think about here, so thank you again. And having just been asked by one of my kids about heading out of town for two days this week (about two hours out of town, to stay with friends), I thought of your remarks and your story – how would I know if you’re lying in a ditch somewhere if I don’t have a clue where you are – and the fact that most of the time, I don’t have a clue where they are, when they’re at school!
But here’s the gist: someone has a clue – a friend, a roommate. So my asking, when they are based here, is as much for practical purposes though I hadn’t thought of it in that light. (And I told my son it was fine, as long as I knew who he was staying with and had a number) – because after all – were he at school and did the same, someone (not his parent) would know that information.
Oh so tricky stuff – especially when trying not to undermine their independence.
@Shelly. Great input! All good points and questions, very much worth contemplating. As for my kids, they’re on their own and in another part of the country, but at university. So, not entirely ‘on their own’ and both in need of a break. Unfortunately, still ‘dependents’ financially though one works part-time to cover a number of expenses. Were they ‘out and working’ or not in school? My expectations would change – dramatically.
At university – I see your point about their in-between-ness.
Maybe there should be a “tween” category for kids at more stages than puberty. Surely the first two university years have some of the same characteristics.
This is a difficult transition time for parents…and children. When mine were home from college on breaks etc, they obviously didn’t have a curfew anymore. I only asked that they lock the garage door when they came in, and if they weren’t coming home to call/text me where they would be so I didn’t wonder if they were lying in a ditch somewhere! Most of the time they were pretty good. Only had one time when The Floridian came home and forgot to lock the door. About 5am I was texting and calling her phone because the door was still unlocked and I hadn’t heard from her. Then I looked in the garage and her car was there! I almost woke her up just so I could kill her. 😉
I just checked the kitchen table for the car keys that were taken last night… and they’re there. So I hear you, Lisa…
Take this as the best compliment.
You sound exactly like my mother and exactly like me.
Happy New Year BLW..
xoxo
Thank you, Cathy!
Wow that’s tough. I was hardly ever home from age 16 and up. I left home at age 19 and moved 200 miles away. When home during the holidays, I was still NOT home. God bless parents of teenagers…
I worry about my kid, nine, when he’s in another part of the house.