I love having my children home. I love having my children home. I love having my children home.
I do.
Really.
I love that my sons are home from college and here for awhile. But it’s been less than a week, and the Grand Central Station Effect is wearing me down sooner than anticipated.
Contrary to popular belief (ahem), I am not a saint. I am not June Cleaver. I am not a Mythic Momma who never loses her cool. And I’m stressed. And cranky. And a little surprised to find myself in this annoying state, and apparently in record time.
Is it possible that I’ve already shed my parental proclivity for tolerating teenagers? Have the last four to five months of relative quiet really changed me, or is there some other underlying cause for capital crankiness?
Attitude of Gratitude
I have many reasons for gratitude: I’m more or less healthy, my sons are healthy, they’re doing well in school (and liking it, which is just as vital), and I’m enjoying a lovely relationship.
Then again, I’m struggling with accomplishing some things that are critically important, managing some serious issues, and likewise, slowed by challenging and competing priorities. I also know myself to be a woman who requires considerable periods of time alone, and I haven’t had enough of that commodity in the past week.
Greta Garbo, move over!
College Kids (Budget Bummer)
The addition of my sons and their pals to my mental mix – much less my inundated single parent budget?
Frankly, feeding my two for close to a month is challenge enough. When unexpected visitors arrive at meal time, naturally I want to make room around the dinner table. But in my head, I’m counting the dollars. I’m worried about the dollars.
When the partying means more hours of heat and lights, again, I’m tallying expenses.
And yes, I’m cranky.
Family Fortitude?
Sure, I’m happy to have a clue where they are, to hear their laughter, and to know they’re safe. I’m happy to see their friends and know they’re comfortable sitting back and relaxing. I’m well aware that they’ve worked hard at college and haven’t been home since August. They deserve this break. They deserve to feel at ease in their home. I want them to feel at ease in their home, and inviting their friends to join them.
I’m fine with two or three hours of noise and then I’m not so fine with it.
Two or three extra kids around? No problem. But not twelve, and not nightly.
I come to realize that parenting is more than a marathon; it’s also a tolerance for interruption and chaos, for open-ended sharing and constant care-giving, and for setting boundaries that we sometimes forget need to be reset and differently. Parenting involves tolerance that we build up with time, and then maintain with familial fortitude that becomes routine.
And when we let down?
Having (at last) reclaimed a bit more self and space for self, it’s now difficult to relinquish either.
Kids Cooking (Weird Science)
Doesn’t everyone enjoy Weird Science?
Waking early yesterday to a sink full of dishes and a stove top covered with pans was not a source of maternal contentment. At 1:45 in the afternoon when I lectured my first-born on the unacceptability of leaving cooking crap everywhere, he informed me he planned to clean up when he got up.
I pointed out that the rest of the household didn’t rise at two in the afternoon, which left us tending to his middle-of-the-night kitchen chemistry, if we wanted to actually use the kitchen, that is.
Then he was cranky.
Might I add that he was in and out all evening with my car, and friends in and out, for whom he was doing the experimental Mad Scientist Recipe from Mars?
Children Becoming Adults
Oh, I could’ve and should’ve been nicer in the way I handled that little interaction.
Coulda woulda shoulda.
But like I said, I’m cranky. And I do realize that he’s used to living on his own in a university apartment, juggling his full schedule with part-time jobs, and answering to no one.
Therein lies part of the disconnect. Shall I repeat it for emphasis?
Answering to no one.
Negotiating with Kids (Compromise All Round)
And of course, when college kids return to the nest, there’s a bit of a power struggle over house rules (or at least considerate cohabiting), a parent’s tendency to worry (as we always do), and the child who is no longer a child but who is our child wants his (usual) freedom to come and go and do as he pleases.
Cue the conflict. Activate the applause for the (theoretical?) ability to negotiate guidelines. Exit (we hope) both chronic crankiness and parental petulance.
Last evening, both boys had the good sense to do their socializing largely elsewhere; a very small gathering (by my younger son) took place in our living room, and I woke this morning to a clean kitchen and a much loved familiar face – an extra 18-year old asleep on our sofa. I covered him with a second blanket and as he stirred, I whispered for him to go back to sleep.
Are You Cranky?
Seeing one of my boy’s best friends where I haven’t seen him in over four months? That filled me with tenderness.
Cranky?
Not me.
At this moment, I couldn’t be more content.
🙂
I would have been a lot crankier if I were in the situation. I have always wished that my house would be the one that all my kids’ friends hang out in. I believe that this really is the best way to know what kind of friends he hangs out with and THAT is one of the most important things for a parent to know, even to just get peace of mind. But NOT every night. I am sorry you were stressed. I am happy for you that your kids are so awesome, despite the occasional lack of thoughtfulness. 🙂
Well Lin, I guess they wouldn’t be normal if they didn’t suffer from (typical) teen/twenty thoughtlessness, right?
My younger son just took the car. “Cranky” has been replaced by typical maternal worry… and more gray hair…
You are on the East Coast and well in to your day. When all else fails, stop and pour yourself a large goblet of wine 🙂
Joy, that’s pure genius. Though I received a rather tall bottle of vodka for making martinis when Mad Men season starts again, that glass of wine sounds just right for this day…
Headed to my corkscrew as we speak… (and as kids continue to be in and out)…
Cranky passes, but the scenes you describe seem so full of love and confidence of being loved. I hope my home is similarly invaded after the kids no longer have to come home!
And this evening, it would appear that the Mad Scientist Chef is at it again… except it’s not the middle of the night and he just might intend to feed all of us… mmmm… and some yummy seasonal (mad scientist) foods at that. Hmmm. It appears tonight is going to be a French-Mexican-Jewish mix on the menu, and around the table. (How cool is that?)
I know exactly what you mean! And thank you for saying it out loud. I caught myself today, counting down the days until both sets (grade school and college kid) go back to school. Then I kicked myself for being…..human.(Darn that Superhuman Mom cape I insist on wearing.)
Our nine-year-old never cleans up. It’s a constant battle. So I guess from reading about yours, it’s going to get worse, not better. Maybe no kid cleans up, ever. Maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be and I should just surrender and stop complaining.
I think they clean up when forced to do so because they can’t function in whatever (messy) space they’re inhabiting. I’m guessing that occurs around age… 36… 😉
Sadly, cranky has become my new mood. Noise, sounds, smells, all leaving me sick and tired. But the silly grins, laughs, and stories told by my toddlers make things semi-bearable. At least they aren’t inviting friends over at 2 am. 🙂
I don’t know, Amber. Your Emily sounds like a social animal. (Watch out for the secret sleepover invitations coming soon!)
“I come to realize that parenting is more than a marathon; it’s also a tolerance for interruption and chaos, for open-ended sharing and constant care-giving, and for setting boundaries that we sometimes forget need to be reset and differently. Parenting involves tolerance that we build up with time, and then maintain with familial fortitude that becomes routine.”
This is pure brilliance. It’s so uncomfortable when whatever freedom you’ve newly gained is taken, even for wonderful things. I’ve been cranky with the extra needs of vacationing and sick kids. Parenting is tolerance and acceptance and flexibility. And I’m pretty sure it’s good for the soul to practice those things. Even when I don’t want to.
Kate, I think we’re in the same mind space right now. I will say – when one of my sons did half the cooking last night and also did some yard work (unasked), that helped. Hmm. Newt Gingrich wants to get rid of those pesky child labor laws… I’m reconsidering my position…
BLW, you are such a great mom…even when you appear to be a Ms. Crankypants! Hope you enjoy the chaos. 😉
Cranky pants, good shoes?
As my daughter’s winter break comes to an end, I do find myself getting a little more irritated. We have literally shared our space for 2 weeks straight. I need some time to recharge and try to channel some mindful parenting. Being cranky is part of being a mom sometimes.