You’re dating a nice man and he whispers “I care for you.” Now you’re convinced that it’s love. But he hasn’t said love.
It’s early in the relationship and you’re about to tumble into bed. He says “You’re special, you’re sexy, you may be the one,” and you’re certain monogamy is part of the package. He’s certain to hear the “yes” that he wants in the moment.
You’re living with a wonderful guy, or engaged to one, or married to one. He tells you he doesn’t want children.
You tell yourself he’ll change his mind and your friends agree and advise “Just give him time.” It’s “he says, she says,” and it’s so much more.
In my experience, men express what they think and women hear what they want. Men are also trained (or conditioned) to speak and act in the ways that women respond to, or in ways that serve their purpose.
But that training – when it comes to long term relationships?
Not helpful.
It negates one of the most critical aspects of a solid relationship – genuine communication.
Wishful Thinking, Hopeless Hearing?
I’m not saying that men are the only ones to speak their minds when it serves them, to find persuasive strategies in the moment, or that women are alone in hearing what they choose to hear.
I’m not saying that adult relationships involving love and sex are the only ones in which this phenomenon occurs. We all engage in wishful thinking and selective hearing, in a variety of scenarios. Who doesn’t want to believe the best of their child, their sibling, their co-workers, their community – as well as the man or woman they desire?
Aren’t we all urged to see the best in others as well as ourselves, to give trust and respect until we are proven wrong, to envision the world in a positive framework and somehow “the universe” will grant our vision?
Listening to Men
It’s a few years after divorce and I meet an interesting man through online dating. I’m new to this and I like him.
He tells me he enjoys children but doesn’t want any. I am in my forties; he is in his fifties. His wife passed away, and he spent years at the hard work of raising her son by a former marriage.
At the time, my boys are barely in middle school. I realize now that he could see what I could not – the tough (and expensive) years that lay ahead.
We date, he meets my sons, he likes my sons, and we begin to grow closer. He loves spending time with me (he says), yet he tells me again that he doesn’t want children.
Unfortunately, his mixed message prolongs the relationship as I find myself dropped suddenly a few months later, with words to the effect of “This isn’t right for me and I have to end it.”
I should have listened. I should have heard.
Marry Me… Not
Fast forward a few years to a hot relationship in which the gentleman I’m seeing is a full-time single dad with two children, and his kids are some 10 years younger than mine.
He speaks of commitment and marriage, as I try to imagine taking on his little ones in the midst of my own two entering adolescence. As for marriage, everything in me is screaming no.
Never say never, I tell myself – because I’m capable of change.
Never say never, I tell myself – because so much of life is beyond our control.
But that particular man? Those particular circumstances?
No. And no is the right decision.
Communication, Behavior, and Choosing Change
Mixed messages are difficult to decipher. We need to balance words and behaviors. We also would be wise to take our time in getting to know another person. Must everything be a race to the marriage vows? Or to the altar of love, for that matter?
As for preferences like not wanting kids? Don’t assume you can change someone’s mind.
Preferences like marriage versus living together? Don’t think someone will “come around.”
I personally believe we change when we choose to change. If forced into the straightjacket of another person’s way of living – even if it’s someone we love – resentments build, fissures form, and foundations are threatened.
Speak your mind, and do so carefully. Just as important? Listen.
Open your eyes to the motivations of others. Don’t see what you want; observe what is present. Pay attention when people tell you who they are.
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Need to always hear what they are saying. They are not changing and they usually give away their cards right from the beginning. I have continued to believe maybe I heard wrong. NOT!!!
I’m with you, Madge. And I wonder if there is a way to teach us to be more attentive. Or to teach the next generation of women to be more attentive. I believe men are far more “up front” about who they are and what they want than (many) women give them credit for. We simply don’t hear what they’re saying. Or we misinterpret in the way that suits us.
The kid issue? Total deal breaker. People hardly ever change their minds about it, and anyone who thinks they can change someone in that regard is most likely due for a disappointment.
That said, I swore that I would never, not ever, marry a man with “baggage”–eg: a man with an ex-wife and kid/s–and I did exactly that. I wanted kids of my own, so I guess it wasn’t such a big stretch to add his into the mix.
ahhh Mars and Venus. I have learned to listen to exactly what they say, and to be completely open and honest about my wants and my feelings. The only way.
However, I am alone… haha
You have no idea how close to home this is hitting right now.
I don’t know why, Lisa. But if it’s a helpful reminder (hopefully?), then great. If not… then, well.. sorry about that. (I am surprised at how many times I slam into this reality, and see women (especially) making the same mistakes over and over, simply by not listening to what is being said, loud and clear.)
I admit, it took me plenty of time to learn this lesson. The hard way, naturally, like most of us. 😉
Well, people DO change their minds about kids. Before we met, my husband was clear and vocal about never wanting to have kids. I did not even want to meet him (through a mutual friend) because I was tired of getting involved with men who did not want kids. After hearing about me for 6 months (from our friend) he let her know (and me) he was seriously reconsidering. He and I agreed to one (I had wanted more) and he says it is the best decision he ever made.
My previous relationship was with a carrot dangler. Rather than communicating up front about what he was not willing to do, he made vague statements such as “I always knew if I met the right woman I would want to have children” and “I saw a house for sale today that I know you would love” but could never seriously talk about even living together. He finally told me, after 2 years, that he could not think about having children AT THAT TIME because his career was his baby. He needed more time. Another carrot. I finally ended it. He never did have kids.
I’m glad things worked out for you, lunaboogie, and happy to have you participate in the discussion.
“Carrot dangler.” Great term.
I remember learning about the “repeating back technique” also know “here’s what I heard” if you want to rephrase the response. Here’s what I heard, “You like me and the times we have together but you are not interested in having two more kids to help take care of?” It can be a real eye opener for both sides.
Still, maybe the couple just want to live the lie just a little bit longer. It’s her smile, his touch, the laughter–if only we could make this work!
Good technique, Gandalfe, (Sounds simple, doesn’t it?)
As for living the lie, some people do it for decades. Makes you wonder…
It’s taken me sooo long to learn to listen to my muse. So much heartache… too much sadness… too much wishing I hadn’t been such a fool. I don’t always remember to listen… but when I do, I’m grateful that I did! BLW, your posts always touch me.
Sometimes you listen and hear and it still doesn’t mean much. Because sometimes partners lie (my first wife) and sometimes circumstances change (Fran’s son left and then returned unpredictably). It continues to amaze me how having children has become simply a lifestyle choice nowadays, quite separate from marriage and sense of family. It was work, but absolutely worth it — could not ever imagine anything else. Three happened and was good for me.
Fran and I agreed that we saw no need to get legally married (eat the state), but I felt the rightness of making a public commitment at Quaker Meeting, which then resulted in what the state defines as legal marriage (might you call that aspect a marriage of convenience 🙂 , which it was — it helps in some practical ways), so things can change.
True enough, Paul. There are those who will lie and those who will manipulate and those who are superb at hiding what they really believe or feel in order to get what they want. I’d like to believe they are the exceptions, or at least fewer in number than those who may pull their punches, stay silent, or not confront those things that need to be said when they should be said because they don’t realize they should or they don’t know how. And all of us are wise when we really listen. Yes, things can change. But someone else can’t change them for you. Not in my opinion.
Such good advice for me. I’m a good listener to my friends but bad listener to my husband. Poor dude. Thanks for this reminder to stay in the moment and listen – and not just for what I want to hear.
Very well spoken. I think, however, that men also very often hear what they want, not necessarily what is said. Too often we try to be what we think the other person wants, and I suspect women are more prone to do this, and when that happens there’s no way we’re hearing, or seeing, realistically. When that happens, the relationship will not be healthy. Sadness follows. It took me a long long time to learn to be me, and if he can’t deal with it, to heck with him!
It goes both ways in my relationship. I try to say what I mean, but often soften it to make it more palatable. (Note to self, don’t dilute my truth.) My guy doesn’t always hear the essential part though. The same happens in reverse. And both of us are too willing to try to fit into others plans when we really should say no.
It’s not just listening, though that is essential. And the suggestion to check out what you hear is spot on. But it’s also being direct and specific, and saying what you mean and following through.
Oh, and you can’t change people. They might change, but you cannot do it for them or make them.
I rarely know what I mean. How the hell can someone else?
I try to listen to hubby, but as he has learned, I only truly listen when the learning experience comes from my own realizations. He always respects that part of me and gives me the space to “listen” on my own terms.
The great thing about truly listening is that when we mutually practice this we grow closer (not necessarily closing the gap between what we and our partner wants, but merely to each other). In the context of authentic closeness we can truly love—wanting for the other what is best for them, even if that does not mean staying together. If things don’t work perhaps they were not destined to work, however, when things really do work they can be trusted and love grow deeper over time rather than threatening to fizzle out. Romance can be fickle waters, but this same attitude of non-judgment and authentic listening can build great relationships with our kids and our friends. Maybe the stumbling block is our own fear and insecurity that makes us defensive or burdens us and our relationships with agenda (i.e. to have children).
I’ve seen many men tell themselves they’re looking for “the one,” when in fact they are unconsciously doing everything they can NOT to find any one. This inevitably hurts and confuses the women they honestly, but only half-consciously, tell they truly feel it with… then it suddenly stops working for them, often just when they are truly feeling attached. This is what scares them, allowing someone to truly matter. They end up seeming cold, but it’s masked fear that often tells the truer tale.
I have the opposite problem I think: I need to listen to myself more. In terms of marrying or not, if I had a choice to do this all over again, marriage is overrated if you ask me…
I think you just said a mouthful, subWOW. But shhhh… it’s a tiny bit subVERSIVE to some folks…