He’s grunting in response to my questions, and staring straight ahead.
Here we are again, I tell myself.
Me, at the wheel. Him, in the passenger seat. Adult annoyance meets adolescent angst, yields one part migraine, two parts morning misery. And where is my kid? The one I raised?
I shouldn’t complain. Really.
Relatively speaking, my teenagers have given me little trouble in the traditional sense. Oh you know what I mean by that – drugs, sex, and rock ‘n roll – not to mention more mundane moments to do with a smart mouth, jumbled judgment, snarling silence, and manic moods.
Wait. Allow me to reconsider my position.
Must I inhale deeply one more time, and call upon my own well-worn tips for tolerating teens? Might we start Friday lunch early – preferably with a Bloody Mary?
Man Of Many Moods, Thy Name Is Teen
Snarling silence. Check. (I’m recalling every morning this week, and several evenings.)
Poor judgment. Check. (Remember those lost keys? And more lost keys? It’s gone from bad to worse, and I’ll leave it at that.)
Manic moods? Not exactly, but bad moods persist and remain a recurring theme around here.
I am a woman raising sons with all its challenges. I’ve done the best I could with what I have, and I’ve turned to men I know for counsel, seeking the man’s man, the woman’s man, and plenty of input from the good guy – with character and values I trust. All in all, I think we’ve fared pretty well.
But what happened to all those life skills I taught my teen? Like responsibility? Accountability? Basic non-monosyllabic communication?
He’s up! He’s down! (He’s hungry through all of it… ) I’ve tried to second guess (and third guess, and fourth guess) what might be going on – including girlfriends, hormonal surges, and an assortment of adolescent interior landscapes.
And I get it. I do. There’s this seemingly interminable waiting, and certainly his (understandable and unspoken) anxiety about heading to college. What older teen doesn’t feel these things at this stage? The heady anticipation of leaving home, and the fear of what that actually means? Expectations of themselves – socially, as well as academically?
But are the moods and missteps just a little reminder of the mental and emotional challenges teenagers pose, what I’ve yet to teach or cannot be taught – even under the best of circumstances? A parting gift, to make separation easier for both of us?
Tips On Teens, Life Lessons Learned
Frankly, I’m dizzy from swinging between “just deal” and “deal swiftly.” And so, in my own attempt to self-soothe, may I offer up 10 tidy tips on (tolerating) teens. And would you recommend a few to me – if you can?
- Food. Need to broach a slippery subject? Make sure the kid isn’t hungry. Seriously. Teenagers consume and burn far more than adults. Want to contain the calamity? Encourage exchange? First, fill the belly.
- Sex. I do not ask, he does not offer; privacy is exercised all round. Nonetheless, if a teen is out of sorts, there may be a romantic entanglement at play – the flirtatious female who won’t agree to a date, the girlfriend / boyfriend who pulls a quick getaway, and the wounded warrior is left wondering. Try talk. Try listening. Vigilance (from a distance), recommended.
- Worry. We have worries. They have worries. Sometimes our worries intersect; in my experience, more often they don’t. They worry about friends. They worry about lack of friends. They worry about what was said, what wasn’t said, how to say what they mean to say. Teenagers may appear tougher than they are. Again – vigilance. Ask (gently), listen (attentively), observe (closely); rinse and repeat.
- Discipline. Two words: Proportional response. I realize it’s a phrase usually reserved for military strategy. But isn’t parenthood like warfare at times? If we overreact, we rarely make our point – effectively. We fall into the bucket of “unreasonable adults.” I will say again: proportional response, even if it means taking time to determine what that is.
- Repeat offensives. Yes, we have now entered my terrible territory this week. I have escalated my defenses (and initiatives) accordingly. And speaking of terrible, might I remind you of the Terrible Twos which I suggest you consider training for the teen years a decade in advance? Must I really specify that teens are tots with facial hair? It’s two steps forward, one step back. They do – and will – relapse. Can you spell r-e-g-r-e-s-s-i-o-n? (Breathe. Count. Think before you speak.)
- Before boobs. Sans stubble. There are days when the blossoming breasts and sprouting stubble obscure the fact that this is your child. Your lovely baby, your good-natured 8-year old, the kid who helped without asking and happily brought home strays. Teenagers are still children in some ways, and yes – adults in others. Solutions? None I’ve found. Other than patience. Eventually they’ll grow up, right?
- Confidence (and lack thereof). Over-confidence (in abundance). Teenage peer pressure. Media influences. Parental performance expectations… I’ve seen my boys put store in particular behaviors (and symbols) that have much to do with traditionally masculine displays of independence and strength, whereas their female friends (who matured earlier) seem more measured (to me). The result? Over-confidence in some areas, and none in others. Remember that experience is rarely present to back up the posturing.
- Glimpses of a child you knew. Let’s face it – even the most responsible kids will drive you batty. As we, the parents, loosen the apron strings and then cut the cord, they reel from the repercussions of freedom. It’s a bumpy ride. But glimmers of that child you adored? They’re there. Your child is there. He or she will reappear. I promise.
- Love, not praise. I’m not in favor of praising tweens or teens for any little thing they’ve done; rather, I believe in praise where it is genuinely due, including for effort (as well as accomplishment) – in context. Even dealing with my approaching-college-kid, I’m reminded that knowing how to lose is a life skill, as is accepting accountability for his actions of all sorts. And what college teenagers need – like all of us – is the knowledge that we’re there for them, but increasingly – in the background. Love over praise, tough love now more than ever. And sometimes, the more distant hand is the most helpful one.
- Teens rock. In addition to giving you ulcers, gray hair, and a mountain of debt, teenagers are exciting, energizing, and rejuvenating. They drive you crazy and then they delight you. I have my top ten reasons my teens rock, and even on the bad days, I’m able to recall them. Might you make your own list – for the days and weeks it’s easy to forget?
And then there’s that Bloody Mary.
Good thing it’s Friday.
I’m bookmarking this for 3 years from now when I realize the big kid I’m used to is suddenly a young adult.
Excellent, Kelly! (Chuckling… But I warn you, my elder started the teens early, just as he hung on to the Terrible Twos for nearly 3 years…) 😉
So. Scared. *whimper*
I wish I had practical advice, but I don’t. My teenage years with my parents was not a good one as far as supporting a good relationship with each other. They tightened, I fought back, they tightened some more, I fought harder. Not good.
We shall see what I’m able to bring to the table when we get there. Five years to get it together.
Don’t. Be. Scared.
Seriously. And more importantly – you’re building the foundation now. But isn’t it helpful to know that tying teens up in knots achieves nothing? That’s what you lived – and as you say, not good. (That lesson alone is preparation.)
Meanwhile, I’ll keep propping myself up with caffeine. And the good days still outweigh the bad… 🙂
Good stuff. Love watching the fountain of your wisdom flow…
Love not praise — seems this applies to all ages…
I think so, Belinda, on the love not praise. They certainly overlap, but they aren’t the same.
Oh sigh… I went through similar issues with my one and only son around the same age. Just prior to his joining the army. He is a quiet boy, not much in the area of shouting, but shout we did. And then he would clam up… As recently as this week, he is now 21. I have noticed a maturity with him I have not seen until now.
Hang in there. He is still growing in many ways, not just the ever empty stomach.
Thanks, NAS. Quite the roller coaster at times, isn’t it… 21, hmm? (Check back with me in a few years? :))
Aren’t all people adults in some respects, kids in others? Why should teens be any different? Other than the fact that their our kids, of course. They do grow up though, and I’m really loving my grown up kids.
I think #7 is particularly important to remember. At least with my own teenage beast. Good list!
Yeah, Kitch. That overconfidence thing can be a real challenge… So I’m not here in the trenches alone, hmm? 🙂
I’ll never forget getting dumped by my first love and the misery that accompanied it. Or should I say that I remember the numerous attempts my parents made to talk to me about it and the feeling I had that told me that they knew nothing.
I was certainly wrong about it, but at the time they were the last people that I wanted to discuss relationship issues with.
Thank you for this list! “Proportional response”: I really need to remember this every single time. My husband too. We ALWAYS over-react. Drama queen and king. I do feel sorry for our kids. There is simply no moderation in the way I feel. So thank you really for this grand reminder.
Another thing I have learned: even when they insist that they are not tired, they are. When they are twirling like they are high, they are probably tired. Nothing you say will be heard. Don’t discipline them at that moment. Pack them up, send them off to bed. Chances are when they wake up in the morning, they will come to you and apologize.
Good counsel BLW. My additional two cents on point #9: I really like, for teens and younger kids too, to go with “I hope you’re proud of yourself,” or “You should feel really good about yourself for that,” rather than “I’m proud of you” (which I also like, because it’s true). My point is that we want to emphasize their own opinion, their own lessons learned, their own competencies mastered. Subtle difference, perhaps, but the lower our kid’s spirit at any given moment, the more likely they are to think, “sure, my mom thinks I’m great, but no one else does.”
I’m also with you all the way on point ten… kids, and humans, are great at every age if we can only calm down enough and trust so that we see it. I hope you’re proud of your great and evocative and honest and assiduous and loving and helpful writing BLW.
This is such a great list – yes, yes, yes to all of them. Especially the food – low blood sugar around here brings everyone in crying.
One last tip – do an occasional check-up on the whereabouts. They want to be honest but sometimes… I know this has to do with trust – and I do trust my kids, but it doesn’t hurt to do some due diligence.
I think you’re right Cathy. I’m all for trust, but a little checking up doesn’t hurt… 😉
Okay. Three or four years until we get there. I’m saving this, and 10 reasons they ROCK.
I feel hopeful about the future.
And scared.
You’re spot on in your list and description of the terrible teen years. In raising two daughters, I can. not. tell. you. how. much. drama. can be created because of a house full of estrogen. Many of the issues occur because their bodies are capable of much more than their mind and maturity level can handle responsibly. I think all of us parents with grown children are lifting our wine glasses and toasting your efforts. xoxox