It may have been the second or third time I saw the show that I realized: communal living – family, friends, once-upon-a-time strangers – maybe this is the answer.
The answer to keeping excitement in a household. The answer to empty nest. The infusion of energy and array of attitudes to fight the urge to close up shop or grow more stuck in my ways. The answer to believing in the possibility of a fulfilling future.
What was I watching?
Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best.
Yes, you heard me.
It’s a television show that offers scenes of Joan Rivers moving in with her daughter Melissa, bringing with her a very particular brand of managed chaos. And it’s impressive stuff – this never-say-die (and sometimes overbearing) comedic talent, 77 years old and going strong. Frankly, she puts my levels of activity to shame – not to mention my ability to deal with change, and take a chance on something new.
What else came to mind as the realization crystallized?
This intermixing of generations is exactly what I experienced – and have continued to experience – when I am in Europe visiting friends. Not only do the generations not abandon each other, but these extended families – as in Melissa’s household – result in rich, caring, and yes, complicated living arrangements.
Aging Gracefully
But isn’t living alone complicated? Isn’t it especially challenging as we age? Isn’t it difficult for some even in our thirties or forties, when we long for company and conversation, not to mention a helping hand with the caulking around the tub, or holding the ladder steady as we repair a light fixture?
Living in a communal fashion, in what I believe to be a healthy fashion, might make an excellent model for the future. Economically, logistically, and emotionally. While I need my alone time, I also recognize that when I am engaged with others, I feel more alive. I feel more beautiful. I feel valuable.
It isn’t just on reality TV that I imagine this connective model for the future – even the near future. I am a fan of a writer by the name of Barbara Hannah Grufferman – a woman in her 50s who simply refused to accept that she couldn’t do more and be more as she was hitting the half century mark. And so she went about gathering the best of the best, the finest advice that experts could offer on aging well, and she wrote her book – The Best of Everything After 50.
But if you read her most recent article on the Huffington Post, dealing with the angst that women face in their mirrors – inevitable as we come to grips with certain aspects of aging – you are likely to find lessons that make sense for all of us. Lessons to do with regular attentiveness to physical health – and the benefits of connection.
Connecting Keeps Us Healthy
We all know that connecting through technology is easier than ever. And while I have my concerns (as do we all?) that sometimes we sacrifice important tasks to our (addictive) virtual pastimes, overall, I believe that these communities serve us well. They provide channels that teach us, console us, make us laugh; we consider views we might not otherwise encounter, and exchange ideas with those who are both older and younger.
This virtual cocktail recalls the stuff of family and friends who once socialized in mixed groups – men and women, children and teenagers, elders telling their stories with a rapt audience of all ages – while still allowing for our specialized get-togethers with those of like age and interests. These are my memories of gatherings at my grandparents’ homes – and as I already mentioned – more recent experiences in Europe.
I am reminded that when we are engaged with life, we’re less likely to sweat the small stuff, less likely to be utterly self-absorbed, and more likely to be attentive and respectful to the face that gazes back in the mirror, without obsessing.
And if we can reach out to each other online, can’t we do it in person?
If for some reason we cannot, then shouldn’t we avail ourselves of the pleasures of participating in connective communities?
Facing the Mirror and the Future, With Energy
Returning to Grufferman’s words, and where she found herself at 50:
I looked in the mirror and thought, “Okay, this is it. This is what being middle aged is all about, and I’d better just accept it.” Then, I mentally tucked myself under the proverbial blanket and was getting ready to stay there — until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, declaring, “Giving up is not an option.”
Inspiring at any age – isn’t it?
As for Joan and Melissa, while I realize the television cameras are rolling and showing us only what some savvy director thinks we want to see, what I love about the arrangement is what we can take from its message. A valid message, even if we aren’t living in the privileged world that these women inhabit. And that message is one of opening our doors to those who may need us – to give them a hand and room – in our spaces as well as our hearts – if we don’t give up on trusting.
Trusting our ability to continue evolving. Trusting others – judiciously. Trusting that we have the guts not only to survive, but to flourish.
I encourage you to stop over and read the article on Huffington Post. Be sure to watch the clip from the Today Show. I also encourage you to let go of preconceived notions of “conventional” living – something I’m trying to visualize for my own life.
If you have space in your home to share, wouldn’t sharing make sense? If you have knowledge and skills to contribute, why wouldn’t you? If you have love still to give, why give up? Doesn’t connection offer purpose, enhance engagement, and remind us all that we need each other, that we thrive on interaction, and that we remain valuable – no matter what our age?
Dear DA . . .
Thank you for including me in this lovely, inspirational post (and how fun for me that I was grouped with the mother/daughter dynamos–Joan and Melissa!!).
One of the best things about being on my new (ish) journey of being a woman over 50 . . . is getting connected to women like you. I truly believe the studies I’ve seen recently about how important it is to stay connected as we get older . . . and I intend to continue to make that a priority.
All the best,
Barbara
Thank you, Barbara. And I think women of all ages would do well to read you. (Not to exclude the men, either!)
great article….three years ago my husband and I did open our home to my 92 year old mother…it does get stressful at times, I will admit….it also was the best decision we could have made. I can see to her day to day care and do my best to make memories during her final chapter. I have a blogradio show as a hobby because as much as I love my mother I did not want that to be want defines me. I did stop working to spend more time with my mother but I still have so many talents and love to share with both her and anyone that would like to listen to the story…..this really was a good article….it may not be the choice for everyone….In 2005 I also opened my home to my aunt for five months…she was dyiing of leukemia…that was also a sad time in my life however it was also a gift….she also had a wonderful last chapter despite the horror of the illness and I have the gift of holding her last days with just she and I in my heart….http://t.co/k0at4k5
I would love for anyone to give the show a listen….Im really an amateur but it sure is a nice little “job” I give myself during the real one of my mom…
Thanks so much for joining the conversation, Donna – and welcome. I hope to catch your show!
I really like sharing our space with family but only for limited amounts of time. I have visited communal sites like http://sharingwood.org/, one of the largest intentional community in the US. I felt a lack of a certain amount of control that means more work in the long run. Even planting a tree had to be run by a committee! I did love the clothing-optional aspect of everyday living there though.
At one time I expressed interest in pursuing a communal life style and my significant other nixed it. Did I mention she is wicked smart? Still, it is interesting to think about sometimes, when one get some of that rare spare moment time. And it’s not like I have enough time to do all the things I enjoy doing as it is.
Interesting site, Gandalfe. But what if we made the “communal living” our homes? For example – if we have room to house three people besides ourselves, perhaps share space with graduate students who need housing for two years?
A fantastic post. You summed up how I feel (better than I could) here: “While I need my alone time, I also recognize that when I am engaged with others, I feel more alive. I feel more beautiful. I feel valuable.”
I think extended family living can solve a lot of problems. I think it could actually take some stress off of marriages too. In our isolated houses and fenced neighbourhoods, I think many people tend to rely on their spouse for everything: listening, compassion, assistance, time.
Thanks for making me think.
When I had a young family (new baby at the age of 25) a friend was unexpectedly displaced with nowhere to go so we took her in until she could figure out what to do. She ended up staying for five years and it was terrific. It was division of labor by three and really helped me understand about how it takes a village to raise a child. One extra person isn’t a village but that extra pair of hands when needed sure did help.
What a generous thing to do, Cathy. And it sounds like it worked out for all concerned. (Where is she now?) When I think back to college days and that sort of communal living arrangement, the extraordinary friendships made, the way we cared for each other and went through ups and downs and at times, real crises, I again realize that “family” is a matter of who you take into your life. And our families can be more expansive and varied than we realize.
She ended up meeting a man and moving out to be with him. They are the godparents of our middle boy and our youngest and their son are 6 mos. apart and best friends. We have no biological family near us so all our “family” here are those we choose. How can that not be great? Breaks the expression, you can pick you friends but not your relatives – I beg to differ.
You said it, Cathy! How great that she’s “in your family” – still.
While the hows of community have yet to fully unfold for us, this resonates for me as I increasingly suspect that our fuller identities (at least once we reach maturity) are to be found in relationships, the group, the spaces between rather than within ourselves.
Generations before us used to live like this all the time. Parents moved in with adult children when they could no longer take care of themselves. Farm families lived in very close proximity to each other in order to help each other. In many ways, it’s sad that families go their separate ways now. For the almost two years we had Army Wife/Guy/Peanut under our roof, I was amazed we all got along so well. Entrepreneur loves his empty nest now, but we really had a greater sense of *family* when they were here.