I look in the mirror and blink. I stare at the face staring back. Who is she?
No wide-eyed adolescent, that’s for sure. Nor is she a young woman, though I might like to pretend otherwise. These days, I hardly recognize myself.
Yes, it’s fatigue. But something more is going on. Something we think will never happen to us. We dread it. We don’t talk about it. Especially if we’re women.
Aging.
Facing it
I used to have a favorite mug. I put it away years ago, but this morning, I dug it out from the back of the cupboard, washed it lovingly, brewed my Italian Roast as usual, poured it into the mug, and sipped.
Bliss.
I don’t know that I can articulate how good I felt – feel – and all because of a festively painted, slightly stained, gently crackled mug. It fits just so, between my palms. It holds the heat better than any cup I’ve ever had. It’s vividly colored, and boldly patterned with stripes, dots, and leaves. It is handmade, imperfect, and beautiful.
Why this morning?
With another crazy, busy week ahead, I seem to need a bridge from a simpler life and a younger self to this one. Connecting a time before marriage, before children, before divorce – to here and now. To the reality of my aging mug.
Women and aging
Last week I came across a piece in The Huffington Post that touched a nerve, an article by Barbara Hannah Grufferman, addressing alternatives to plastic surgery for women over 50.
I’ve expressed my views on cosmetic surgery several times, and to be frank – I’m conflicted. After all, it’s easy to be against something when it’s not an option, or it simply doesn’t concern you. Yet.
Sure, the Heidi Montag example is extreme, and those Beverly Hills Housewives? Though my Bravo-in-the-background policy is still in effect, I’m averting my eyes, then zapping to another channel in their case. The fact is, I find it painful to look at these women. Is a wrinkled brow such an affront to society? Is surgical intervention the only option for the maturing woman who wishes to compete? For jobs? For men?
Aging in a competitive culture
Returning to the Grufferman article, I realize that I’m troubled by women who say “it’s no one’s business but the person involved.” I don’t believe that’s true. While we each own our bodies (and ought to be allowed to make these choices), cosmetic procedures alter our expectations, and worse – subtly shift what we find “normal.” Those of us who do not indulge in surgery – or cannot – find ourselves at a competitive disadvantage.
And Ms. Grufferman hits the nail on the head when she writes:
The problem is when a woman feels that she must look younger to compete for a man, a job, a place in the world without feeling invisible; it’s then that she does things that she may not want to do, like plastic surgery.
She goes on to refer to a lecture she attended, and says:
The lecturer acknowledged that women in their 50s (and over) are in a “beauty bind.” In the past, women (like our grandmothers) aged together. The playing field was level. Very few of them had the option to have any kind of plastic surgery (that was the domain of Hollywood movie stars), so they all aged together.
A level playing field. Exactly.
Mirror, Mirror: Self-esteem
And then there’s my mug. The one in the mirror. The one in my hands. Both are familiar – worn but functional, faded but colorful.
As for the coffee mug, I recall the years it was part of my morning ritual – good years, in my single life and when I first married. I know this to be a touchstone. A link to more innocent times. A reminder that what is used well is not necessarily used up.
We know that self-esteem comes and goes, taking a hit when we lose a job, a lover, or when we divorce. Illness or accident can take its toll, and self-esteem takes another dive. But for a woman, looks remain the initial currency of exchange. Not our value – but our currency for entry into the game. With age, it dwindles.
And if we find ourselves alone?
Will I opt for a tweak at some point in the future? Never say never. For the moment, I’ll take my reflection, refill my cup, and get on with the day knowing I’m a little worse for wear, but still useful. And in my own way, still vibrant.
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Wonderful post.
I wonder when it stops? Technology continues to improve; the pressure continues to build; and the train seems to be moving forward at such a pace. At what point do we, at 30, decide that our bodies have aged to a point that we can’t compete? Or do teen aged girls look to alternative means to “improve” upon their looks? Beauty is within – and I wonder if the key is to define beauty differently understanding that the option to artificially “change” our appearances is not going away?
My other question is – do we do this for other women (and for ourselves) or do men truly find the artificial changes more attractive and desirable than the woman who is naturally herself with the wrinkles of laughter and life?
You ask great questions, TE. Honestly – I’d love to hear from men, and know whether they find these cosmetic changes attractive or not, truly. Especially some of the more mask-like facial modifications. No crinkles, no wrinkles. (All those shared smiles!)
I used to think we did this for others, but I am beginning to understand that on some level, it is for ourselves. In part because our contemporary culture is so stuck on looks (more than ever). But equally, in order to compete, as there are far more of us out “here” in the post-divorce dating pool. And then there is the reality of the employment marketplace. Why hire older when you can get younger cheaper?
And last, it is an odd thing to look in the mirror and see changes that remind us we are not immortal after all…
Anne Lamott has an essay in Plan B Further Thoughts of Faith that speaks to her experience with age. Her take is insightful as she compares herself to thirty and forty year olds in a room, as a fifty year old and this is what she says “I smiled with a secret smile of pleasure in being older, fifty plus change, which can no longer be considered extremely late youth, or even early middle age. But I would not give back a year of life that I’ve lived. Age has given me what I was looking for my entire life – it has given me me.”
Your post reminded me of her words. Insightful post as always BLW.
Another great post, BLW. Your writing is top-notch! I love your comparison of your mug in the mirror with the mug in your hand – how perfect!
And those “Real” Housewives? Repulsive. I mean seriously – a botox party? Crazy. And it looks ridiculous. Yet I can’t.stop.watching. them! 🙂
I love how you use your bliss mug as a symbolic bridge between then and now.
This post made me think of a woman sitting by the window with her date at a restaurant in the wine country at brunch recently. The room was not huge but it was packed. Still, this woman, maybe 55 or so, stood out with her beautiful eyes and radiant smile. She may not have been the most attractive person in the room, but she looked so happy and so alive that I couldn’t help but look and smile at her. She was so comfortable in her skin with wrinkles and all, and she warmed that room with her presence on a chilly fall day.
Interesting. I find that my young appearance actually inhibits my ability in the workplace. People see me as a young girl, recently out of college instead of the well-seasoned professional that I am. They automatically discount my suggestions, opinions and offerings because they assume I am young, with no relevant experience. So there must be a line somewhere – not too young, not too old – to be “competitive” in the workplace.
We are a funny culture, aren’t we? Judging by appearance, rather than competence.
Allow me to join the chorus applauding the mug/mug parallel. Perfect.
At 33, I haven’t given any real thought to plastic surgery. But these age spots that have already started to show up on my pale face? Could I honestly say that I wouldn’t want them gone if the time, money, and opportunity were available?
It seems like a slippery slope, doesn’t it? You might start with a chemical peel or a little Botox, just for a small touch up at your trouble spots. And then you get your teeth whitened. And a friend has surgery on her varicose veins, and you think “I could do that.” And you go in for a consultation, and before you know it you’re talking about breast implants.
I wish I had known a bit more when I was younger – like how important it is to wear sunscreen!! And I wish our society would be okay with pale white skin instead of dark tanned bodies.
I have a deep fear of aging, not so much on the surface, I’ve never been overly concerned with my appearance, but because I fear what I won’t be able to do. I’m actually not very comfortable talking about it to be honest. I prefer avoidance as a strategy, but I’m starting to learn that in fact there is a beauty that comes with age. I’m certain you have it. It comes with knowing just a little bit more, from having lived a few extra steps and from the exquisiteness of wisdom.
xo
Alas, I think most of us prefer avoidance, Christine. But even with good genes, taking care of oneself, and good luck, eventually we have to face it. It may be more or less difficult for some of us, but it is certainly more problematic when you’re “on the market” – in a variety of ways.
Like you, I think my fears of aging are more to do with capacities. But I don’t mind the advantages of good genes, either… 😉
I do not like the saggy jowls, the wrinkles which, for me, are primarily around the mouth. Aggravated by smoking for so much years, I’m sure. But. I like even less the thought of Botox or plastic surgery. Faces with expression and character are the most beautiful in my mind. I love photos of old people with lines and wrinkles and still a twinkle in their eyes. I don’t love my wrinkles, but I’ve earned them and I am what I am. It really isn’t our problem, I think; it’s society with its unreasonable expectations. Why oh why should we try to look like anything other than what we are? Polish the apple, don’t turn it into a pear.
“Polish the apple. Don’t turn it into a pear.”
Lovely, Carol.
Someone quipped that those who indulge in the plastic surgery option do not actually look younger—they look perpetually surprised. I think there is some truth in that. Here’s to aging as gracefully (and together) as we can manage… perhaps even to discovering the vivacity that comes from not denying our mortality (which, after all, is what “aging” is an oft disturbing signifier of) and coming more fully into our lives.
Perhaps if we somehow manage truly to live, we will feel just a touch less ripped-off by the impermanence of any given life, even plunking unexpectedly into the eternal lurking in every fleeting moment, wrinkle, tick-tock and sun block. Namaste (the mug in me recognizes the mug in you :))
And my mug salutes you, Bruce, and the inimitable and delicious way you have of expressing things.
I believe what I want for myself is to age gracefully. Not without wrinkles or gray hair, but for myself to be content with my age and what bodily changes it brings.
That’s what I want and intend to have happen, but the pressure from the media (and especially Hollywood) is intense. I’m sure it will take me in.
Beautiful post, Wolf.
Thanks for this post, BLW, and the link to the Huffington Post article. I feel exactly like the author does: I want to look good for my age, but I don’t exactly want to BE another age! I also get to watch as people close to me have had multiple procedures, many of which have not gone well, paralyzing facial nerves, etc.
I think a very astute comment is that women probably aren’t doing this stuff for men – I mean, look at the men! Most of them aren’t running around worrying about their wrinkles, right? And most of the time women aren’t doing it for other women. They’re doing it because of something on the inside, something that’s disatisfied and unsettled and which will remain so. A little Botox isn’t going to change it.
well i am reading this in merida, yucatan. there are numerous american women who now call this town “home”. the women down here have found a freedom to be themselves and are more likely to be light hearted in their dress and manner because they are not being judged by everyone around them. this issue is an american issue – too much media again feeding us what we should want/be. people here are just accepting there isn’t any of this constant judging
i myself have 2 beautiful daughters: 19 and 22 they have the looks but i have the wisdom! and i would not trade. i look good in the mirror when i am at peace and content. i look aged when i angst, worry or judge.
that being said – and this is going to make me sound shallow – i have a natural aesthetic and i do sit and redo other women in my mind. i think “oh if she would just cut her hair or update the style” or “oh her clothes are too out dated, if she would add more color” etc. you get my drift. then there are women who just know how to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative and not with surgery. it’s just an attitude and a consciousness to be interested in the world around us – the technology, the music and culture – involvement.
i didnt mean for this to be so long and drawn out.
i want to find a “tribe” of women who have a sense of their own identity and self worth. i’m not joining any red hat club. that’s for sure.
i think caring about one’s looks is a sign of self worth. it’s easy to wake up and just throw some baggy dress on or go without make up; but what does that say to the world? it’s good to strike the balance.
May I join your tribe, pia?
Ahh…the joy of becoming an adult: bills and wrinkles.
Like you, I have mixed feelings about surgical interventions because I’m afraid how I might look after the procedure. Besides, fixing the outside, does not necessary mean it’ll fix what’s on the inside…well, maybe temporarily.
So, I learned to accept it (although, most people say “Asians” do not age, that’s a lie). I’m almost around the corner of hitting 30, and I should start the whole “anti-aging” process but I’m not. I don’t know if it’s denial, but eating right, exercising regularly, and sleeping makes me feel just right.
To be honest, I love my 85 y.o. grandmother’s skin. Underneath all the wrinkles, little baby hairs on her upper lip, and fragile skin, she’s as beautiful as an angel. I’d be glad to turn out like her. Like Carol said, all the wrinkles made her who she is, and I think that’s great.
hmm… my journey towards wrinkles and tired eyes started a few years back.. it begin with older men staring at me, something i didn’t notice before… not the greatest feeling, it did annoy me.. hough i took care of myself but still no running away from age.. i pay close attention to all … surgeries and treatment and celebrities no doubt, they look great but how young, not more than 5 to 8 yrs.
Beating the outside is easier than inside… our spouses, friends, children all under constant change, even if we feel great our side factors bring us down in one way or other.
we think looking great with all our efforts is wonderful only till we hear some sarcastic ones … so either way it’s somewhat a lost battle, our teenage and middle are most difficult phase of our lives. we spin in this whirlpool till we make peace with it one way or other… till then keep ourselves busy with our home remedies, lotions, surgeries or whatever works for us…
I used to think tweaking my personage was out of the question. But now I whiten my teeth once a year, color my hair on occasion to lessen the grey, and trim excess hair everywhere so I don’t turn into a Sasquatch. I expect this will become less and less important to me as I become one of the invisible people, aged and therefore not interesting to most young adults.
I feel for ladies who whole package is measured by youth and beauty alone. Those are fleeting and arbitrary things that men are hardwired to appreciate. But smart and interesting is much more sexy than beautiful and vapid. I’m just sayin’…
Glad to hear you “just sayin'” Gandalfe.