Why oh why do you think that you must “tell all?” Every little corner of the self revealed?
Whether confiding in a significant other or writing in a social media forum, do you know when enough is enough? Would I, personally, present my every thought, my every tale and detail for public or private consumption?
Don’t think so.
Would you?
What You Know and What You Don’t
Do you know yourself? Do you believe there is a “single truth” that captures you? That your viewpoint is uninfluenced by age, experience, mood, the moment, the company you keep, not to mention your reasons for disclosure of a humorous or serious tidbit?
The story is not the person. And that’s true whether we’re talking about celebrities in the news, your neighbor next door, or you. Or me.
No one’s life is neatly packaged and presented with a bow. At least no one I’ve ever known, and no one I would want to.
Family Secrets? Family Lore?
Whatever we know of our parents, siblings, best friends, spouse, colleagues – our understanding is a version, a variation, blended and shaped into something more or less cohesive. It is an experience of that person, enriched by a bit of hearsay, writing, photographs, and information pieced together over time.
Our views are also contained by boundaries appropriate to the relationship. There are offerings flavored by memory, and filtered by interpretation. Your interpretation, which may differ from mine.
The closest we come to knowing another, for many of us, is the parent-child relationship, though that’s not always the case or it may only last for a time. Puberty tends to explode onto the scene with its color-outside-the-lines behaviors and necessary rebellion, leaving us (the parents) behind. As it should be. Still, with some children, the bond may be renewed in adulthood, with proper spaces carved out for privacy on both sides of the parent-child divide.
Confidence and Confidences
So where does that leave us, when we recognize that perception is lit from many angles, and changes over time?
- Are we more kindly disposed to interpret our own actions and thoughts?
- More patient in the pursuit of our relationships, or more skeptical?
- Must we have a single “truth” we can trust, for friends and loved ones?
So which is it? Are you a believer in the gently built bridges to intimacy (that I call confidences), or do you feel a need to spill every detail of your life, or possibly someone else’s?
Secrecy, Privacy, and Trust
A secret is information purposely hidden, for any number of reasons including avoiding embarrassment or hurt to someone you love. Or not to be judged in a judgmental society. A secret to one person is a private moment to another, a confidence shared in a specific context.
Then there is trust, which is required for all connections, but to varying degrees according to the relationship. Time, common values, recognition of a kindred spirit, and elements of personality intervene, including our sense of humor, need for authenticity, and comfort with communication.
Telling All on the Internet
And our online lives? Our numerous social media platforms that encourage us to share and like and follow? Are we telling too much, bordering on telling “all” which is still a version of the self, and not necessarily an accurate one at that?
Are we remembering that our employers have access, our exes have access, our parents and children and next door neighbors may be peeking – only it isn’t peeking if we’re putting it “out there?”
Is it all just “TMI” – Too Much Information?
To Tell or Not to Tell
Must anything be “tell all?” Must lovers reveal each encounter that came before, like some great, hoarded outpouring of chapter and verse, as dump trucks piled with the details of our pasts let loose their loads?
Personally, I’m a fan of taking time with a person (and their stories), to experience, and combine what I see and hear into an ongoing process of knowing. Tell me too much, too soon and I’m likely to pull back. Expect too much from me too soon? Same result. And as for the celebrity scandals of late (you know which ones), I shake my head, disappointed with egos that cause destruction, and also disappointed at us – the public, thinking we know anything at all, even with the “everything” that we may hear, or think we hear.
- Tell all books? Don’t read them.
- “Tell all” blogs? Don’t like them.
- Juicy stories? Sure! I assume they’re partially fabricated.
How do you feel about those who know you and read you? About ideas and experiences you retell that challenge their impressions of you? How much of your life do you share online?
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Natalie says
Kristen at Motherese wrote something that has stuck with me, here’s the link: http://mothereseblog.blogspot.com/2009/11/personal-and-vulnerable.html
She talks about the difference between the vulnerable and personal – sharing what innately makes her vulnerable and affects her personally, without feeling the need to spill every detail that makes up her day.
That’s a diary, not a blog.
I try to maintain a fair balance between the absurd and the vulnerable. I don’t pretend to be the most brilliant, the most researched, the most average, the most – or worst – of anything. I am a flawed woman who laughs a lot and that’s what I try to convey in my writing.
I guess what I think about the people who read me is that I just hope they enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.
Deena Kay says
I dont think that we should share “everything”. I have things I won’t share. They are mine. I need to retain something for myself. Me and me only. Although I have shared them with my best friend and who I consider my partner and he never has judged me, as for blogging, there are just some things that should remain private. If you don’t keep something for yourself, what do you have that everyone else doesn’t also have? It helps me to retain my own sense of identity, separate from everyone else no matter how much I can relate or not relate. Yes, I will always have something that I keep to myself and only myself. Some things in life truly are sacred and aren’t, for me, meant to be shared with the world. 🙂
Kristen says
I think about this issue a lot, and lately I’ve been thinking mostly about it as it applies to audience. I have made a conscious choice to let certain people know about my blog while letting others remain in the dark. And, of course, those lines have blurred – and now I find myself enmeshed in slightly awkward conversations with friends who know about the blog and kind of want to talk about it and kind of don’t.
I think you’re spot on when you talk about the shades of what we know of others: “our understanding is a version, a variation, blended and shaped into something more or less cohesive.” I wonder if we can apply that same definition to what we know of ourselves and whether the process of explicating ourselves to others is necessarily wrapped up in explicating ourselves to, well, ourselves.
Keith Wilcox says
Scientists say that nothing really exists anyway until it’s observed by someone. Atoms, electrons — none of them exists unless they are observed. It sounds like philosophy, and I suppose it is in a way, but it’s an actual scientifically tested theory. Relationships are immaterial things, but they still only exist because they are observed. My entire life is nothing more than a conglomeration of my observations. Everybody I know is clouded by past observable events that are, in essence, their defining characteristic. By this reasoning I am many things to many different people, and they’re all correct.
It is not necessary to reveal everything to partners. Information is a need to know thing. I’m still young, but I’ve lived long enough to know that there are some things I can’t change. What people think of me is one of them.
I may have gone on a tangent there for a sec — sorry bout that 🙂
Linda says
Really a fascinating topic. My blog is not anonymous since I use it as a vehicle for my writing, so there they are, my family members and friends and the more of them who read it, my topic list gets shorter and shorter! I’ve written a bit outside of blogging and I have to say that the experience is the same – people know more about you than you’ve actually revealed to them in a conversation, but you’re not sure exactly which people so you’re not sure when to consider that they know certain things. It’s okay. I mean, I write from my head and my life, I can’t act like it’s such a surprise that people might know some of that stuff when I run into them.
The great thing is that I’ve gotten used to getting my stuff out into the world and they’ve gotten used to the fact that I’m going to write, I’m not just going to stop. The only thing I really regret is that there are so many topics I’d like to write about that are truly funny but that would hurt certain peoples’ feelings (okay, my sisters-in-law) and I just have to walk away from the post.
Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities says
I think about these questions a lot, possibly too much. What I find interesting is that it is not really possible to “tell all” insofar as we – and our stories – are in constant flux. The telling can’t possibly keep up with the actualization of who we are and what we do. That said, on a more practical level, where do we draw the line between telling enough about ourselves to forge connections and spilling so much that we have nothing left for us? I don’t really know.
Personally, I have struggled with this question in this blog world. There seems to be a premium put on the big reveal, on shock value, on splashing intimate bits of ourselves and our lives for public consumption. It makes sense of course; these things make for good stories. But I have chosen – and it seems many of us have – to hang back a bit, to proceed with caution and respect, and dole out bits and pieces of self and story that are relevant.
But it is so hard, isn’t it? It is so hard to see through motivations we carry that are often opaque in real time, to judge our own decisions while we are making them.
I am rambling now, so I will hang it up. But you are onto something here. Something big.
Elizabeth says
One rule to which I try to stick is not trashing my friends…or even celebrities or politicians…in a moment of anger.
I have to admit that I have written posts and hoped that one particular person would read them.
It becomes harder, though, when you have written commentaries or features for a long time. You can start to find yourself, if not embroidering, then fine tuning. I have a feeling that happens online a fair amount. Its just good to be aware when you are doing it, and remember what prompted the original post — something like “the truth.”
I still believe in something like the truth. One that both parties, or all parties, can agree on. Hanging on to that may make you more cautious about “telling all.”
Nicki says
I have been amazed at how I stop and think what others are going to say about my writing. I have several friends and friends/relatives of friends who read my blog, along with the guidance counselor at my son’s school – his guidance counselor. So, I have recently thought twice about some of the things I write about. I still write them. I may share them with a few close friends but do not put them out there for everyone to read.
A “tell all” is totally different than being open to sharing yourself with others. Even those close to me will say I am an open book but some of the pages are illegible or not able to be read yet.
Amy at Never-True Tales says
Yes, I agree. There’s a big difference between sharing something that’s universal enough to be relatable and real in a blog and sharing something so deeply personal that it may be a violation to the people closest to you. It’s a hard line, sometimes.
Natalie says
:coughcoughDOOCEcoughcough::