How many failures does it take to achieve success? How many can you, yourself, find the determination to deal with? And how to muscle through a series of setbacks in order to hit the jackpot you’re working so hard for?
I’ve been thinking about success and risk-taking. I’ve been thinking about success in light of failure – more specifically, a string of failures. As for risk-taking, I believe that some of us are more innately inclined to take risk, while others can learn to take risk as we accumulate successes.
But what happens if all we seem to accumulate are failures, or if you prefer, defeats and disappointments? Even if we can divine the lessons in those failures, what if they are failures all the same? Does that change our willingness to take risks? What else does that change?
Incidentally, I don’t mean to put risk propensity into a binary or absolute context. On the contrary. I believe, as in many things, there is a spectrum between any two polar tendencies or belief systems, where many if not most of us actually sit.
As I face yet another relocation (with far more unknowns than the last time I moved), thoughts of a better outcome — “success” — are much on my mind. My need to relocate is the result of nearly all my intentions (and hopes) for my 2016 “restart” having fallen flat. So, I am reflecting on what went wrong, where my planning was flawed, where my judgments were off, and how my approach this next time should change.
In particular, I am giving Murphy’s Law a wider berth to cover more of those events that are entirely out of our control.
And, I’m focused on what is required for success in starting over in a new place in light of dwindling traditional resources.
What do I mean by traditional resources?
First and foremost, money. Moving is expensive. Second, contacts or connections that are essential, for practical and emotional reasons. Third, physical stamina and emotional resilience. And I realize that both of those elements, stamina and resilience, are subjective measures and subject to changing circumstances.
Looking back on the past few weeks, nearly the only words that I have written here have to do with small wins and thus, a sense of renewed motivation. This leaves me wondering if I have been working toward generating a groundswell of motivation to get me through researching, planning, and executing another move. These upcoming weeks and months will see me once again starting over in a place I have never lived, without explicit work waiting to pay the bills, and only with the most tangential or short-lived contacts upon which to hopefully build a lasting and functional framework.
But this brings me to my jeans. My favorite size six cobalt blue jeans — one of those small wins — that I can now happily (deliriously!) fit into.
Having failed at dieting for the past two years — over and over (and over and over) — I did it! Success! And I succeeded by doing something different. (Let’s not forget that some say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)
As I think about those jeans, I am also struck by the power of a number on the scale that I haven’t seen in three years. More importantly, what has enabled me to reach these personal — and some might say superficial — goals is their link to boosting confidence. What sort of confidence?
Less about appearance than you would think; primarily about not giving up, persisting through repeated failures, and attaining a goal.
That I have arrived at this point after more than 20 months of pain from injuries that nudged me into a terrible, isolated, red zone of a place, I can look at several key factors in feeling better. Certainly, my determination to improve has been essential, but at least as important — a phenomenal young physical therapist. And happening upon him (in a locale where I knew virtually no one) was just a matter of luck of the draw.
That same luck of the draw has sat at the source of many of the challenges I have had to deal with in the past 10+ years; no luck at all, a bit of self-starting luck, as well as moments of serendipitous encounters. And I would be remiss if I didn’t shine a spotlight on the number of wonderful, remarkable people, most often strangers, who have lifted me emotionally, or provided a critical service.
Sure, with regard to some of these people, they were “just doing their jobs.“ On the other hand, for a physical therapist to help a patient manage a very limited number of visits covered by insurance, and multiple injuries wherein exercises to assist with one problem are likely to exacerbate another, it has to be said that it takes creativity, good nature, and a real devotion to the art and science of helping people achieve a better quality of life.
As I think of the many good days I’ve experienced in recent weeks, able to briskly walk a mile or two on most with only mild discomfort — success! — I am heartened. And so many good days tamp down those when pain still knocks out my smile. Clearly, I am able to gain positive momentum because of the successes — those low-discomfort, up-and-at-‘em mobile days. And the more of those I rack up, the more they provide motivation to push on — to get through the times that feel like failure.
On a related note, as I prepare to move again, I continue to go through boxes and boxes of legal paperwork dating back to my divorce, now more than a dozen years old. I am shredding very nearly everything before disposing of it, and selectively skimming certain documents. This has both a cathartic and destructive impact; reliving emotional (and legal) warfare hurts. But I think of my sons, now young men, and I cannot view the marriage that brought them into the world — though the marriage ended badly — as a failure.
Would I have done some things differently? Of course. We all learn from missteps, mistakes, and the perspective that comes with time. But I see the good years as a win, and my sons as a gift.
I can also look back on jobs where I did the best I could with what I had at the time, and though I may not have achieved what I hoped for, hindsight enables me to see what I did achieve, and reflect on how my actions might be different today.
Naturally, some “failures” aren’t of our making — mass layoffs, medical issues, other life events beyond our control.
And indeed, how we get back up after a fall, or a series of falls, or a decade of falls, says much about us, but also says a great deal about good fortune, and good people we encounter along the way.
Those size six jeans?
Motivating.
Do they compensate for the narrowing resources?
No, but they keep me feeling strong — strong enough to work around resource issues, creatively.
Less physical pain?
Super motivating.
The skill and professionalism of my smiling physical therapist?
A reminder that amazing people are everywhere. What’s more motivating — and inspiring — than that?
What helps you stay motivated through a series of defeats and disappointments? Once you’re back on your feet, do you pay it forward? If you’re facing challenges with few critical resources, what gives you strength? How do you devise creative alternatives?
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When I’m in a difficult zone I become incredibly efficient with emotional fuel. Just a little bit of an encouraging shift in conditions – maybe only a reply to a job email as opposed to an ignore – and I can keep going on the main task for days more. But I do need something coming in… I just wish you could bank all the fuel from the good times. So much we take for granted. Seriously best wishes with the move. Would be interested to know how you ended up factoring the sons’ places of residence. I am so in 2 minds about this. Maree
Good points and questions, Maree. And my sons are still quite young so not really settled, so it’s a bit of a crapshoot on that score.
Hi D.A.!
I’m left wondering if your new adventure in change of life is taking you to where your youngest son lives or perhaps to France?
I too have been on the relocation challenge! I took many of your thoughts, questions and your readers input into my own notebook of possibilities that might be a head for me.
For me, my motivation isn’t about the skinny jeans, but about my skinny $ resources. As resources become lower in number, the costs to live where I have been for a decade are rising.
Also as my age increases, my interests and needs have changed. My desire to care for my dogs and live a simpler lifestyle is my other motivation to make a relocation.
The month of July I traveled by car twice from Corpus Christi, TX to Roswell, NM. First with my dogs and the second without, leaving the dogs with a dog house sitter who was genuinely happy to stay overnight with them and their special needs.
It is challenging! One friend here cheering of how brave. Truth I say is that I’m terrified!!
Taking each day, with a baby step, (okay, I got that step accomplished… so what’s the next step?) with the wisdom that I will make a few decisions that will not be beneficial assisting me with building my self esteem and courage to take that next step. Keep it simple.
Instead of thinking “failure”, I think “I am trying and making, keep it simple steps, until I succeed with my own particular goals to take care of myself and my two teammates, my dogs who depend on me, my wisdom and a heck of a lot of courage.”
It is indeed an adventure!
I would love to hear your new direction and your particular reasons as to why?
Life changes.
Yes, life changes. And brava to you for your baby steps. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t (necessarily) get easier.
My reasons? Isolation where I am, and money. Money, first and foremost. And isolation is unhelpful to the way I make my living, as well as being very impractical and emotionally challenging.
Honestly, I think $$ is the deciding factor for most of us, isn’t it?
Sigh.
Yes. It certainly is about $s for some of us. I am also finding that people I chat with when I ask them why they live where the live is most often answered because it’s where family lives.
I just read this on a comment in my research today. “The best part about looking at the best place to retire is the “looking”.
It made me chuckle. But true reality is that it is expensive to travel to determine if it’s a good fit.
I suppose people assume incorrectly that most American retirees are $$$ wealthy.
I agree – on all points!
D.A., I’m now having an enormous amount of doubt about Roswell and that new adventure would be overextending my real financial capabilities. It would be a financial disaster mistake.
I came to realize this as I was taking another baby step to travel there again and I couldn’t get excited about another trip there. That’s when I knew it wasn’t a good idea for me.
I would like to add that I still don’t feel like a failure. I see it as the success “of trying” something new. It takes a lot of courage!
The trying does take courage, TD. And it’s definitely something to feel good about.
Hi D.A., Another possibility came up. So, I’m trying again!
How is your relocation going?
D.A., Just following up with you. I tried again in Roswell and it was a no go. Oh well. I give myself credit for trying again. I’m going to give myself a break for the fall. My new goal will be in January to try a different approach and a different area instead of Roswell. It was a great learning experience, rebuilding my self esteem and courage! Rest, relax and refocus on a different direction. I hope you are doing alright. I miss reading your current muse of the week! ?