Over the past week, I have been cranky, self-critical, and unkind to myself. Although I am kind to others, I am frequently not kind to myself. So why is this? And why has it been worse lately?
The reasons: a spate of sleep-deprived nights due in part to a schedule that felt out of control, saying yes when I should have said no, and unhealthy eating habits just to keep going.
The result (besides crankiness): I have been dragging through the days and nights feeling slowed, sluggish, and snappish.
Here is what I know but seem to need to remind myself periodically: Self-care matters. It matters to our physical health. It matters to our emotional health. Its absence is detrimental to our judgment, our behavior, our relationships.
The subject of being kind to yourself poked at me when I read this Washington Post article that touches on exactly what that means, why it’s important, and how we may find ourselves caught in the sticky grip of wanting, needing, and aching for what sounds to some like little more than self-indulgence.
But it isn’t. And some of us — yes, me — have to remind ourselves of that!
Self-Compassion
The Post article defines and addresses “self-compassion” as comprising:
• Mindfulness, which is being aware of negative thoughts, feelings and experiences without judging them or dwelling on them.
• Common humanity, or recognizing that we are all imperfect and that we all suffer.
• Self-kindness, which is showing yourself care and understanding when you experience those all-too-human imperfections.
The writer goes on to cite associations between self-compassion and our physical health, including ties to stress levels, eating habits, and disease… as I find myself nodding, and nodding, and nodding in agreement.
The article is a worthy read, and I recommend it.
Why Are We Unkind to Ourselves?
Clearly, there are psychological reasons that some of us are more critical of ourselves; we seem less able to cut ourselves slack and extend empathy we readily accord to others.
Some of this is a matter of upbringing and subsequent conditioning, which may involve people pleasing.
Some of this is reinforced by environment in various ways, including the roles we play in our daily lives, especially when we are caretakers.
Some of this is a matter of expectations, often unrealistic, that we maintain for ourselves.
Some of this is habit. Bad habit. And bad habits, we must remember, can be changed.
Caregivers Need Care Too!
The Post article points out this familiar theme:
People who are caregivers — by nature or circumstance — often find it difficult to offer themselves the compassion they freely give to others.
Bingo.
And that situation is, for some of us, a matter of all of the above — upbringing and conditioning, societal reinforcement (hello, Multitasking Mothers?), and routines we become wed to especially as women, in caring for spouses and parents and children and bosses.
We wind up overdoing what we deem issues of competence and responsibility — certainly the case for many women of my generation — and if we let up, too often, we worry or feel guilty.
Practical Reasons for Yes, Practical Reasons for No
I also believe there are practical considerations in this mix — tangible reasons that we disregard the need for self-care — it may be difficult logistically to give ourselves the time for mindfulness, to be accepting of our own missteps and flaws, and to show ourselves a bit of ordinary kindness.
If you ask me, this is because we are fighting for survival in a competitive world, and the stakes are extraordinarily high if we mess up. That is to say, we risk losing sources of income, critical connections for maintaining that income, with the possibility of recovery, particularly as we grow older, elusive.
We don’t dare take a foot off the accelerator. So we do not.
There are practical reasons for saying yes, and practical reasons for saying no. I certainly struggle with the latter, both personally and professionally, sometimes to my own detriment.
Knowing When to Say No
Suppose a friend calls and she needs you. What do you do? As for me… I drop everything and do what I can if I possibly can. But there are definitely times that I should be saying no, and instead, I’m saying yes.
What if one of your children or grandchildren needs you, or an aging parent or in-law? When it comes to my children, now young adults, forget that metaphor about the oxygen mask! My answer is virtually always yes. That said, they never “cry wolf,” so if they need me, I know the reason is significant.
Suppose a client calls last minute and says he needs just two or three more hours… I may be worn down or have other commitments, but I push them aside to make room, and those unexpected hours that shift my timeline then steal my sleep. I should be saying no and instead, I’m saying yes.
In the case of the friend, that is a matter of how I am wired, period. In the case of my children, I am like every other mother I know. In the case of the client? That, pure and simple, is a matter of the years with too little work, and the reality that money is an absolute necessity for survival in the U.S.
Of course, there is another reason, and it has to do with that perfectionism issue. I pride myself on delivering the best possible result to any client and living up to a reputation for excellence.
My Tried-and-True Self-Care Tricks
Unfortunately, where all of this sometimes leaves me is low woman on my own totem pole. (I suspect many of you are familiar with this. Otherwise, why would we need articles on self-care?) And so it is that we circle back to the necessity of being kind to yourself, and making that a priority, especially if your life is filled with stress.
Naturally, I have some self-care tricks that are tried-and-true, and I am attempting to give them priority once again. Some of these are very “basic” having to do with healthy eating, sleep, and exercise, whereas others are more about whatever soothes and diverts.
For me, self-care is not complicated. It is as simple as giving myself two hours of quiet to read a book, even if only twice a week. It is as simple as 20 minutes of walking outside while listening to a favorite podcast, three or four times a week. It is as simple as a little constructive distraction, which may mean classic Bette Davis on TCM or flipping through the pages of a decorating magazine.
It most certainly requires taking the time one or two evenings a week to cook up a wildly healthy meal that will enable me to get through the week with planned leftovers.
Being kind to myself, specifically, is also about my inner voice. A voice that doesn’t chide or discourage or criticize if I fall off the healthy-eating wagon or do a poor job of setting limits with a client. And that voice would encourage me to say no to a short-term fix, no to nagging criticism, and yes to being attentive each day to practicing appropriately self-compassionate behaviors.
And tonight?
No matter what, a healthy dinner and reading!
What about you? Have you mastered self-compassion? Is self-compassion a luxury? Do you lose the habit of self-care so basic as to affect your health? Is this a generational issue, particularly for women trying to juggle too much?
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The pressure to do it all seems even greater today with social media, and photos of people doing everything so perfectly–perfect home, perfect meals, perfect body. There seems to have been a period, maybe around the ’90s, when women could say, I’m working, that’s enough, and I’m not interested in being a chef and housekeeper on top of it.
That said, for me, the first thing to go is housekeeping–cleaning is so Sisyphean after all. The second is cooking. I still cook, but things get very simple. It helps to have meals in the freezer that can be thawed and reheated. I might cut back on exercise–half an hour instead of an hour or every other day instead of every day–but I don’t budge on bedtime. Always the same time, almost to the minute.
I GOT THE SELF CARE THING DOWN YEARS AGO before it was a FASHION!
Maybe because I did not feel well and was out of breath ALL the TIME but I manage to ALWAYS MAKE ME TIME! Last night I sat in the GARDEN and just watched the birds and the new growth with OPERA Blaring outside…. it was MAGICAL!
Gave me the POWER to GO inside and start the Lengthy process of dinner!
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