When my young adult son asked me about loneliness a few months ago, I was taken aback. His question was very direct: When I was in my twenties and just starting out, did I feel alone?
What he didn’t ask, and I was grateful that he didn’t, was whether or not I found myself in a similar position at this stage in life, decades later.
The issue of loneliness is one the media addresses from time to time, and one I’ve written about over the years. And in answer to my son’s question — yes, I was extremely lonely in my twenties — my early twenties especially.
I had taken my first job hundreds of miles away from home. I was living in a first apartment in the middle of nowhere, overlooking a highway. I was new to the type of work I was doing and put in long hours with a group of people I felt uneasy with. (Nice enough, but many were former military and 20 years my senior.)
I kept my head down and stayed busy at the job, but I remember feeling very alone for some time. And I was equally lonely in the next few years, though once I changed jobs, I felt more comfortable with my co-workers. Still, making friends was a problem; many of my fellow employees were married (I was single), and our lifestyles were dramatically different.
When my son was asking about my personal experience, he was employed in his first post-college full-time position. He had relocated hundreds of miles. He found himself in the middle of nowhere. (Sound familiar?) He didn’t have a roommate, he was renting a room (not an apartment he could make his own), and he — like me, all those years before — felt isolated.
I understood his isolation and the dissonance with his surroundings. I understood the challenges of being unable to do something as simple as spontaneously getting out with friends. I understood that his loneliness was inevitable.
He has since changed his situation, and things are looking up.
I happened upon a Christian Science Monitor article that is timely for me, not only in light of observing how quickly my son’s life has improved but for any of us who pass in and out of lonely times for various reasons. “Understanding Loneliness” reminds us that the ache to connect to others often hits a sort of tipping point. If we’re fortunate, that tipping point nudges us out of our comfort zone — even the shy or introverted among us.
Our discomfort eventually encourages us to get out, to socialize, and to find a way to relate to others. In other words, loneliness forces us to make changes.
There is also an evolutionary aspect to the negative impacts of loneliness. If we didn’t suffer from being alone, the article also points out, how would we ever mate, reproduce, and build communities?
Citing Cambridge, Massachusetts psychiatrist, Richard Schwartz, we are alerted to the fine line we walk when loneliness strikes. Yes, it can eventually encourage us to “get back out there,” but it can also produce damaging effects.
“To the extent that loneliness, like pain, triggers us to do something to set it right, it is very adaptive,” says Dr. Schwartz. “But there is this other quality about loneliness that seems to become circular and lead to more and more withdrawal, and that is extremely maladaptive.”
The article also notes the potential dangers of an excess of American “self-sufficiency,” and demographic changes that are leading to what is referred to as a loneliness “epidemic.”
… Research has shown that chronic loneliness is rising in the United States… The Health and Retirement Study, a longitudinal project sponsored by the National Institute on Aging, suggests that more than a quarter of Americans are lonely, a percentage that has increased by three to seven points over the past two decades. In 2015, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy characterized loneliness and social isolation as an “epidemic.”
Point taken. Isn’t this why so many of us “post-Empty Nest” and “post-marriage” are seeking alternative ways to live together? Alternative ways to create community? But as we age, is it — will it be — enough?
When I’m busy with purposeful activity (and when my mind is occupied), whether or not I’m socializing is less important. For that matter, whether or not I’m comfortable in my surroundings is also less of a concern. And I don’t experience what others might as isolation — certainly not as easily — which isn’t to say that I don’t periodically suffer from both isolation and loneliness, as do we all.
I recognize that if we are starting out on our own, as was my son, loneliness is part of the picture. If we are starting over on our own, depending on circumstances, loneliness is again part of the picture. We can — and do — adapt.
Of course, we may find ourselves in the company of others and still feel painfully lonely. If you’ve ever stayed too long in a failing relationship, or spent years in an empty marriage — a marriage in which there’s no emotional intimacy, no physical affection, and little more than small talk — you certainly know what I mean.
I welcome your thoughts.
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Thank you for sharing this. My mother and I were discussing yesterday seasons of loneliness, cultures of independence and isolation and the difficulty connecting in real life…even when effort it made (which is highly discouraging). I don’t know the answers and wonder how others experience it or IF they do so. Sometimes even in loneliness, I feel alone in the experience.
There is so much wisdom in what you say, Missy. But you aren’t alone in the loneliness. If only we didn’t carry so much shame for feeling such a common human emotion.
Seasons of loneliness. What a good way to put it.
Wow! I just happened to click on this and yes starting over after a failed marriage is my experience of lonely. I was lonely in the marriage and now terribly lonely without it. You lose your spouse’s family even though everyone vows that things won’t change. I moved out, so as long as I’m busy with work and activities, I’m fine. But I find that my energy level is really down and it’s the sadness. I do make the effort to reach out to friends and that helps but ultimately, you have to deal with the new feelings.
I wonder how many of us can relate to what you are describing, Jean. It is not only the sadness when marriage ends, and knowing what you have to face, but when you lose your spouse’s family as well, and often shared friends, the loneliness feels devastating.
I considered my spouse’s family to be my family. When they cut me off after divorce, it added to the grief.
With time, you do make peace with the losses. And you do find ways to start over, believe me.
(Do you have divorced friends around to talk to, who get it?)
As you pointed out, there are so many ways loneliness sneaks into our lives. The remedy rests within each of us. However, I think it is important to recognize it in others, and when we see it, extend ourselves in meaningful ways. And, just perhaps, we soothe ourselves in the process.
I found it interesting how you structured this post. My experiencing what you describe in your first paragraph, and an overreaction to it, probably led directly to experiencing what you describe in the last one.
And in between I learned how difficult it is to find people with whom I’m truly comfortable. I wish I had learned that earlier, and not the hard way.
Thank you for sharing! It is hard. I have been alone much of my life in one way or another. My mother was not caring at all and my parents divorced when I was young, and I spent a lot of time alone. My marriage was not very warm and had its issues, however, I threw myself into parenting my kids which helped. But before they were born, my ex-husband worked and went to school at night leaving me alone all the time. I struggled after the divorce with loneliness from time to time, and more so when I became an empty-nester last year. However, since I moved a month ago to a town on the north shore of MA that is busy and vibrant, I find myself a lot less lonely. I can walk to everything and days when I feel lonely it is easy to find a spot where I can be around people. It helps that I am very social and will pretty much talk to anyone! I also was thinking the other day about how I have been alone much of my life and maybe I am just used to it. I can either be sad, or just make the most of these years that are left and have fun! I am now looking into solo travel. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your experience, Laura. (Traveling solo can be terrific, by the way.) I think your experience of being in an area where you can get out and be around people, even on your own, is one many of us — myself included — would find really comforting post-divorce and post-empty nest.
I too am looking into solo travel. Not my first choice but I figure since I am alone I may as well do what I want to do. Wish I had a partner to share the times with but I don’t so must make the best of it.
Yesterday while I was waiting for my car inspection and maintenance to be done, I asked the dealership to drive me to the mall during my wait. So I had a few hours.
I thought about your essay while I was sitting for about an hour in the middle of the mall by the decorative water fountain. There were the typical mall shoppers buzzing around me.
But I also noticed men and women, mostly alone while a few were coupled, in the over 50+ age, walking the perimeter of the mall. Definitely these people were not shopping. They were indeed mall walkers for exercise at whatever pace was comfortable. I wondered if they chose the mall to do their walks to be around people to uplift themselves from the “alone” or “loneliness” emotions that we all face in our lives.
And I thought, yes, it probably did give some relief from feeling less alone and perhaps some comfort to be moving among other people of all ages in their daily lives, even while for themselves it also provided exercise in air conditioning with no costs. I thought it was a good idea!
I think that a lot of people struggle with emotions of loneliness and being alone at various times of life and especially more so as we age, including myself at times. I remind myself that these emotions will pass.
I thrive on being ALONE!
BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR SAYING HERE……….I AM LUCKY and have a SPOUSE and loads of people stopping by……………
WE entertain too on the weekends so DOWN TIME is NEEDED FOR ME!
XX
Another good one!!