It only happened to me once that I recall — being bullied in the workplace — by a woman. It was years ago in a temporary position, and my female manager was a textbook bully — deriding and demeaning.
The behavior was persistent, unsettling, demoralizing. The woman in question was solicitous to others (men) but didn’t hesitate to raise her voice at me, shut down any questioning, and trash my abilities.
To make matters worse, it was an open work environment. There was literally no escape from her glare, her words, her actions and omissions — all of which seemed designed to put me at a disadvantage, to make me look bad, and one way or another, to push me out.
I dreaded each morning’s arrival at 7:30. I was on edge throughout the day. I frequently cried on the commute home at five. And I lived in fear that I would be fired.
I wanted desperately to quit but I couldn’t. I needed the money. So I continued doing the job, doing it diligently, and keeping my mouth shut.
Bullying Is About Preying on Weakness
For me, this was a precarious position to be in. I was struggling after divorce, not only to put food on the table, but suffering an emotional deficit after years of battling with my ex. I was tired, beaten down, easily intimidated.
All I wanted was an eight-hour day that was heads-down, nose to the grindstone, no managerial responsibility, and pumping out good work.
So why had she singled me out?
I was 10 years older, had held positions of greater responsibility (than hers) in the past, and perhaps she perceived me as a threat. Her management wanted me there (seeing my experience as a plus); she did not.
As for one other woman who was on the receiving end of the same treatment, she also needed the job but less so; she was 20 years my junior, childless, and had a working spouse. She had fewer real and perceived constraints. Outside the office, we spoke of what was taking place, and there’s no question that she tolerated the bullying better than I did.
I remember those months as abysmal. And yet my prior two decades of experience in the workplace tells me this: Women as managers are no more or less likely to bully or badger their team members than men.
Bullying Is More Prevalent Than Ever
Merriam-Webster defines bullying this way:
abuse and mistreatment of someone vulnerable by someone stronger, more powerful…
Of course, it is the power imbalance that makes bullying so effective, in the short-term, that is. Intimidation — and let’s be real, bullying is an attempt at intimidation — is all about power. A bully seeks to use a perceived adversary’s vulnerability to serve one’s own ends, and often does so in cruelest fashion.
Bullying has an especially insidious aspect; among adults, it frequently involves emotional or financial triggers — elements of appearance, status, personal history, sexuality, or livelihood to embarrass, undermine, and control.
Listen, as a society, we know that bullying is a serious problem, and not just among children and teens. We are seeing (and talking about) bullying of all types these days, and in particular online. We have only to look to Twitter and Facebook for daily examples. The current state of U.S. politics certainly comes to mind.
But women bullying each other?
Passive-Aggressive? Backstabbing? Outright Bullying?
Backstabbing? Sure, I’ve experienced it in my professional life, but far less than you might think. In fact, it has been a relatively infrequent experience for me.
Bullying? Other than the experience I just described, the closest thing I’ve had to deal with has occurred in the virtual world, which is one of the reasons that I’ve significantly reduced my social media participation in recent months.
For many years now I’ve worked as an independent, typically remotely, which means I’m only occasionally present in a client’s office. While my past corporate experience indicates that women misuse power infrequently, I acknowledge this as anecdotal, but wonder if the issue has been worsening.
On that score, this article in the Atlantic on women bullying other women in the workplace caught my eye. As I dug into the details of the article, I understood the reasoning put forward. Research, the Atlantic tells us, suggests that the paucity of women in a competitive workplace may be the cause, at least in part.
Could it be that if women seem bossier, crankier, or bitchier to other women, it’s because they are so much more stressed in the workplace? Do they feel less like they will be punished by other women for their stress showing through? Is what we might label bullying not bullying at all? Is it anger or frustration or resentment that women are more likely to exhibit with each other, less concerned at being labeled “emotional?” Even if we accept the reasoning that female-to-female bullying is due to intense competitive pressure, shouldn’t the offending behavior stop?
If women were better represented at all organizational levels, would “catty,” “backstabbing” or “bullying” behavior be less of an issue?
Given the many obstacles women in the workplace confront — consider the recent anti-diversity memo at Google on women engineers or the persistent gender pay gap — shouldn’t women be supportive of each other’s success? Even if we’re jockeying to reach or retain positions of power, must we knock other women rather than joining together? Must we always assume that everything is zero-sum?
Bullying Is Bad News
Now you might say that bullying in the workplace is easier to deal with because it’s easier to detect than say, passive-aggressive behavior. Some would say that being gaslighted is worse because you start to question your own judgment. In contrast, if you can point out bullying (and others can see it), you may think you have a greater opportunity to eliminate it.
But what if the culture of your workplace allows bullying to thrive? What if it isn’t taken to task, and it’s all about survival of the (so-called) fittest?
Do women really turn on each other? Or should I ask instead: Do some women succeed by turning on each other, or doing so when the chips are down? If we believe the “why” described by the Atlantic, shouldn’t we eventually be able to improve conditions that create this situation?
So what can we do about bullying in the workplace? Can we prove the naysayers wrong if women are not the exception but the rule?
My take?
Bullying at work is ineffective, counterproductive, and a squandering of skills, trust, and vital goodwill. While I may not have much experience of the female bullying boss, that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
I’m curious to know your take and experience.
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I have worked in an all-male workplace for more than a decade…so my personal experience is long past. There is one pointed season of intense bullying that I experienced, where I happened to be the supervisor. Said bully used her personality and presence to threaten more mild-mannered employees and eventually lead to her dismissal because too many others were unwilling to work with her. She was young and I venture she has learned to harness her creative strengths in ways that are less confrontational and more collaborative.
In more recent years, my mother (in her sixties) accepted a temporary six-week position where a female bully was vicious and insidious in her effort to exert power over my mother. She made the work difficult, left out important details that led to mistakes which could have been easily avoided had all information been shared, and threw my mother off equilibrium in an already stressful circumstance. About halfway through, others finally began to notice and greater effort was made to establish boundaries and give greater authority to the temp position. Thankfully, it was a short term assignment because the emotional toll was too great for long term viability. I was shocked to hear the tales and sorry for my mother who was in a challenging position as a known temp. More than once, I suggested she simply quit early because the difficulty wasn’t worth the toll.
These stories are chilling. Such a vital point — the impact of the bully on those around him or her.
Bullying is certainly an effective means to push someone out of an organization, but not effective in creating a productive one.
While I have never worked under a bullying female boss, I have observed too many despicable female bosses. While competitive pressure exists in many workplaces, it is not reserved solely for women, so I dismiss that as an excuse, as abusive behavior speaks to the true character of the individual. In my view, this abusive behavior was, and is, manifested in feelings of deep insecurity. It should never be allowed to exist in any corporate environment or workplace.
I once applauded the actions of one very talented female employee who had been relentlessly abused by her female superior. She thoroughly documented the daily abuse over a period of several months, complete with tape recordings, that she then took to the Department of Labor. The end result was the dismissal of the abuser. Though not every woman has the strength and tenacity for that type of response, it is an alternative.
I can certainly understand why you applauded the employee who documented the abuse. Bravo to her for all that she did, and to those like her who would do the same, however difficult.
Yes, at age 45 I experienced bullying from other women at several law firms I worked at as a paralegal.
As the new hire, the attorneys were too BUSY to train me and assigned me to the other paralegals who were 25 yrs my junior and hadn’t attended a law school paralegal program like the one I had just graduated from in 2008.
Instead they had learned on the job, resented my resume and laughed at me when I asked them for training and help with tech related issues. The attorneys themselves were quite verbally abusive as well and so this bad behavior came with applause from the top down.
Some of these bullying women even received secret bonuses from tattling on their co-workers who left without advance written permission from an attorney, they monitored our website visits, break times and personal phone calls.
After several years of enduring this abuse at a variety of small law firms I exited the legal field altogether to save what was left of my last few strands of my sanity. Good Riddance!!!
Bullying is distinguished from backstabbing by its repeated, chronic occurrences. It isn’t a one-time thing. It is done by people who feel threatened, and considering that women often feel less professional security, it isn’t surprising that women would be bullies. However, I have found that it’s men more than women who bully–they feel they should have certain respect just for being (white) men and when a woman–or a man they consider to be “lesser”–comes along who outperforms them, they react by bullying because they aren’t able to raise their performance. They’re trying full-out to keep up, and yet this woman–to them an inferior, an unworthy–comes along and outdoes them. And so they have to resort to throwing a wrench in the works. I’ve seen them do it to other men, too, but almost uniformly to guys who, shall we say, wouldn’t have made the football team, while the bullies were the epitome of “most popular” at school. It’s a pathetic attempt to retain their status in the face of losing on competence. If you look at them that way, you can defeat them.
Thankfully, I’ve not come across a situation of outright bullying by another woman in the workplace. I have little tolerance for it anyway. I have, however, worked for a female boss/owner who displayed such rude behavior to others, it was somewhat shocking she was as successful as she was. She lit into me one day for something trivial and I told her she was not to speak to me as a 5-year-old. It was like I called her bluff and from then on, she relied on me as her “second in command”! I believe some of your experience may have been that this woman was jealous or felt threatened by your experience. She may have thought you’d show her up and expose her (in)abilities to upper management. Who knows. Some people are just mean and don’t really need an excuse to behave badly. Bullying should not be tolerated in any setting, but sometimes it’s hard to discern whether making waves would make the situation better or worse.
I had to quit a job due to my BOSS who LIED ABOUT Things I DID NOT SAY! TOOK me years to get over that……… I heard she came down with cancer a few years after my ordeal with her.