I thought she was calling to say hello, to ask about my sprained ankle, and inquire about the recent visit by one of my sons. The “she” in question is a casual acquaintance. One who has something to say… on every subject.
I imagine we’ve all known people like this. They are “fixers” to some degree — a subject that came up in conversation around here not long ago — fixers that genuinely see their offered “solutions” as help, and fixers who see everything as better with their input, commentary, and suggestions.
Others? Not fixers, exactly. But classic “know-it-all” types who can’t keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves.
People Who Talk Too Much
After this latest phone call, I gained some insight from this Psychology Today post on people who talk too much. Describing those who never seem to shut up — not exactly the same issue — therapist F. Diane Barth refers to the “give and take” in good communication, and reminds us:
… it seems that so many people who talk “at” us have difficulty learning how to be more related. This is not to say that all people who talk incessantly are not deeply connected to others. But it does seem to make it difficult for them to recognize different moods and responses in their listeners.
My personal experience confirms that those who are listening-challenged may struggle to connect. But I chalk that up to their gabby ways being off-putting enough to narrow connection opportunities.
So what do we do? Especially if we feel our irritation growing, yet we know the person is well intentioned?
Noting that people may talk talk talk to not confront their own feelings, Ms. Barth suggests we listen carefully to try to discern their motivation, and that we not feel unwilling to interrupt. Ideally, we interrupt politely if we can.
Using language to cover emotion is something I hadn’t considered with regard to the woman I was chatting with. Come to think of it, I’ve never experienced her expressing any emotion of any sort, but I don’t know her well enough to assume that she uses talk as a means to protect her emotions.
My own tendency to talk too much at times? My instructions to myself: Just stop talking! And the origin of my bouts of bountiful chatter? Generally a matter of nervousness or fatigue.
Stop! I Don’t Want Your Opinion!
Now, those I’ve known who have something to say on everything — certainly the woman I mention isn’t the only one — often offer advice and criticism where none was ever requested. This goes for the nosy neighbor, the fixer boyfriend, the opinionated great aunt…
Surviving a phone call packed with prescriptions for fixing this and fixing that — almost none of which I care about or need — is easy to manage when it comes from someone I’m not close to. Besides, on the phone I can scowl or roll my eyes without consequences. And occasionally, however unsolicited, I garner a useful nugget or two from what is said. Moreover, knowing this individual is well meaning, most of the time I can shrug off the impatience I feel when she goes on and on, whatever the subject.
If she were a close friend?
We would never reach that point. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the constancy of not listening. But what happens when it’s a spouse or a significant other? Don’t these “fixing with good intent” behaviors sometimes creep up on us?
I can envision a scenario whereby one spouse has more life experience than the other — maybe Hubby is a few years older than his wife — and the stream of “how-to’s” and “you should’s” may be instructive and appreciated. When you’re inexperienced. For a time.
However, once you’ve learned to navigate the logistics of your life without need of an opinion on everything you undertake… doesn’t this know-it-all behavior become intolerable?
People Who Don’t Listen
How much of this challenge is a simple need to talk, talk, and talk some more? How much can we stomach from people we run into who have an opinion on everything we do, don’t do, or say? How much is a deficit in the ability to effectively listen?
Given how many of us live in isolation — working remotely, living alone, and no longer near family — is erosion of social skills at play? Is loneliness a factor? What about neediness? What if the unyielding, unsolicited opinions or tiresome chatter comes from an aging, emotionally needy parent?
Clearly, responding to an acquaintance or coworker is different from responding to a relative. And, finding behaviors to manage unsolicited opinions isn’t necessarily the same dilemma as dealing with difficult people. Nor is it the same as trying to argue with someone who is always “right.” But it’s one of those issues that becomes a significant barrier to friendship — certainly for some of us — and a downright damaging communication style when you’re part of a couple.
Interrupting? Repeatedly calling out the behavior?
Maybe it works; maybe it falls on deaf ears.
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I have been struggling with this for years with a friend of mine. As you describe, she has something to say about everything and often presents very aggressive opinions. We only talk on the phone as we live in different cities. Being honest or authentic with her really doesn’t work. Her life is so hard, though, that I don’t want to make it any worse. So I try to listen.
The best advice I ever got about figuring out a difficult friend was to just sit back and try to observe her objectively. I did so, leaving my own feelings and opinions out of the equation. The exercise helped me see that she was really struggling and helped me to empathize with her.
And, finally, I have realized that some people are not able to change and even if they were, I can’t change them —it has to come from within. My husband always asks “what’s in it for you?” meaning, what am I getting out of the friendship? If the answer isn’t a positive one then it’s time to let go — which as you may remember from my essay of years ago, that’s not so easy to do.
I remember that column, Judith, and knowing when it’s time to let go of a friendship. A very thoughtful, beautifully written essay.
I think fixers do come from a place of wanting to help. Once in a while, they actually are helpful.
It’s hard to be zen when they are irritating, but I try to let it roll off and to reserve my aggravation for more deserving targets.
Great perspective!
Don’t we all know someone like this? Great advice on how to navigate it with care!
D. A.,
“So what do we do? Especially if we feel our irritation growing, yet we know the person is well intentioned?”
For me, if I feel my own irritation growing, I put the phone on speaker and allow the person to “talk it out.” I do not ask any questions as that will continue the length of the person talking.
Sometimes it helps others to have someone that they feel comfortable with sharing. Consider yourself fortunate to have someone who thinks of you as more than a causal acquaintance.
Within the process the caller usually comes to their own answer to their own issue or perhaps they want to release a stressful moment. And I continue with whatever I was doing with them on speaker; while they talk it out. And I don’t ask any questions or give advice. (Unless they ask a specific question.)
I allow 5-10 minutes, then I tell the caller that I was in the middle of a task or work project. This raps it up.
And you never know, the acquaintance may lead to a two way friendship. And someone that you can call on too. You don’t know unless you are willing to give some grace and empathy.
If I am to the point that I no longer wish to pursue a friendship for any reason, and the senerio continues as irritating, then I use the “block” phone and text for that acquaintance’s phone number. I never know if they call so don’t feel guilty about not returning a voice mail. It has to get to a high level of me knowing that I no longer want to be pursued by this casual acquaintance.
Ten days ago I did block someone. And I feel relief and less drained. I will not unblock the person, I know for certain.
Think through that carefully. You could even block for a few days or a week without them knowing, just to give yourself breathing space. Then when you feel up to talking with them, you could initiate the call to say hello. A friend will pick up with where you left off understanding we all have busy lives with responsibilities to prioritize.
I’m not sure if you were really asking “that question”, or just writing an essay on the topic, or talking it out. ?
I am chuckling at your last remark, TD. I think I was doing all three. And your suggestion to block someone on the phone (if all else fails) seems reasonable, but in the example of the person I was speaking of, that wouldn’t be in my own best interest as, just as you say, sometimes there is value in what is said.
I guess that leaves me utilizing your other suggestion – putting the phone on speaker and to a degree, going about my business until the flow of the words eventually wanes.
Unless I have something I was in the middle of, which means no matter what I will continue to interject in order to interrupt.
Yes, sometimes there is value in what is said or a benefit of maintaining the relationship. When your interjection or interruption doesn’t work there is the drop call or battery died syndrome. ?
PS My comment is not with intent to KiA or fix, but muse about the options with humor. ?
🙂
In my experience Know-it-Alls and Fixers don’t overlap. Actually, I haven’t had to tolerate much in the way of K.i.A’s, with the exception of one overbearing person who became more than I could handle, but I find many people who are fixers to one degree or another. It seems rather common to not understand that no one has infinite wisdom regarding the lives of others, and even if we did, few would hear, understand or agree.
My mother is a good example of the difference between a K.i.A. and a fixer. While she is not opinionated in general, she can’t help trying to help those around her. The intent to help seems genuine (I think???). It ranges from opinions on a grandson’s college major to how he should take better care of his face and hair. My brother and I chafe at the borderline intrusion of these suggestions. On the other hand, they don’t feel much different from her offering me a banana or a drink when I leave, or when I already have what she’s offering, something to carry them in. The intent to influence could be interpreted as a desire to connect, stay relevant, help or some combination.
Re the downright danger of “fixing” in the context of a couple: This is a fine line to walk sometimes. It can be mismanaged both by saying things that don’t need to be said, or refusing to listen to things that are important. In either case, when one person comes to control the long term course of the narrative, with no free back and forth, they essentially control the relationship.
I like the linked reference to those who talk “at” us, as opposed to “to” us. I always wonder what they get out of the “conversation”. I agree with the suggestion that we not feel shy about interrupting. Over time I’ve realized that I’m holding myself hostage by my own standards of politeness, but they are only my standards. If the other person held them as well, there wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.
Held hostage by your own standards of politeness. What a great way to put that, Robert.
It’s funny, I actually know several people who talk at others, and are also fixers. And yes, the intent on the former may be a mixed bag (and a certain obtuseness), but the intent on the latter, I believe, is to help. But we all know that unsolicited “help” is very irritating.
The example of your mother is an interesting one. I wonder how many adult children could say the same of their mothers? Not necessarily to the same degree, but to an extent, it’s part of the job description that becomes a hard habit to kick once the kids are no longer kids.
The issue of having and expressing an opinion on everything and anything is a little bit different. Again, your example was a good one. That’s tougher as issues go. I still struggle with the best way to deal with it, other than to steer clear when you just can’t stomach it if it’s a relationship that isn’t ‘disposable.’