It was only at the end of a friend’s visit last month that I realized: Neither of us had pulled out a phone to snap a picture. We were sharing our moments rather than documenting them.
What followed?
Several days later, I said no to all my devices.
No to the laptop (shut down for 36 hours), no to the tablet (put away with a stack of books), and no to the smartphone — initially left by accident when I went out on errands — and on returning home, I placed it on a table in a different room so I wouldn’t be tempted to pick it up.
Disconnect From Distress
Normally, I love being tuned in to links and discussions of interest, yet as I think about how I spent my disconnection time, I come to understand how stressful it is to interrupt oneself and others in order to comment, respond, or initiate contact.
And we do so throughout the day and into the night, don’t we?
Shouldn’t it be a no brainer that regular detaching from devices is a must?
But wait. Not so fast! It’s not so easy when your work involves interacting on social media, when your family and friends are geographically scattered, and for most of us — when you take pleasure in your online communities.
But… Are we overindulging in our digital darlings and exaggerating the necessity of an immediate response? Are we too willing to split our attention between a partner, a date, or a child — and a vibrating smartphone?
Are we trading fully engaging in our lives for endless documenting?
Are You Paying Attention to Your Partner?
The issue of paying attention to a spouse, a lover, a partner of any sort seems paramount in evaluating the nature of our most vital connections. As I consider the issue of achieving quality couple time, looking back over recent years, I suspect I may have compromised couple communication by remaining too attached to the myriad sources of online input and feedback I was accustomed to.
And I am reminded of what ingredients are required for a tasty and textured relationship:
… quality time for couples is about listening to one another in addition to enjoying activities together if you possibly can, with the former more critical than the latter. That requires stepping away from kids, grand-kids and elder parents; setting limits with employers, clients and co-workers; saying “no” to the “everything” we take on that isn’t essential; and disconnecting from our smartphones and other devices.
Bingo.
Ah Yes. Boundaries.
Naturally, I had reasons to stay connected and I deemed them “good.” I considered some of those reasons to be critical to making my living, and others essential to my daily routine. Sure, there were self-determined writing goals and tasks, which I understand can seem excessive. But far more time-consuming and important, or so I thought, was my near 24/7 availability to a global client.
I now recognize I would have done better to have explicitly defined boundaries around my workday and lifestyle constraints.
With that come another reminders. For example, learning to say no, recognizing what is urgent versus what is important, and understanding that accommodation should be a two-street — in relationships of all sorts.
I recall a 2014 article in The New York Times written by Alex Williams in which he explores the extent to which we are documenting our lives rather than feeling present in them. In Is Just Being There Enough?, he writes:
To live the moment or record the moment? It’s becoming a defining dilemma of the iPhone age.
Guilty as charged, though increasingly — and as a matter of discipline — less so.
The Benefits of Disconnecting
Among the pleasures of my recent disconnection?
I trekked into the heart of the city where I rarely wander, only to ask myself why I didn’t venture into these interesting corners of town more often. I strolled in the rain and was surprisingly unconcerned to be drenched! After the weather cleared and I made my way home, I enjoyed the hush of an evening walk in my neighborhood, keenly appreciative of the glistening, budding azaleas.
I was “in the moment” in ways I typically am not, and not only found my multi-channel thought processes slowing down (and a few blissfully backing off), but I allowed myself to “just be” without documenting where I was, without jotting myself notes on my phone, and without shooting a picture of the sky, the trees, or the flowers… no matter how lovely.
I disconnected in order to still my thoughts, and more so, to heighten my awareness of the passersby and nature around me.
And the feelings of calm persisted for days. I felt more human. I felt more relaxed. I felt recharged.
- Do you disconnect from your devices periodically?
- Any “rules” in your household that limit or constrain checking of phones for emails, texts, Facebook posts and responses?
- Have you become so accustomed to documenting your life that you feel you aren’t quite “in it” as much as you once were?
- How important is staying in touch with your online communities?
- When is the last time you REALLY disconnected?
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This is SUCH an important topic as so many of us our reliant on our phones, tablets and computers.
Now that I’m working several jobs including as a realtor, I often have things that need to be dealt with right away and that requires not being far from these devices.
However, I make an effort to put my phone out of sight when I’m meeting with someone for coffee or lunch- when face to face I don’t want to be interrupted and owe that focus to whom I’m meeting with as well.
This is such a timely article for me, but probably in different ways than most. But it still needs my attention and discipline.
I gave up FaceBook years ago. I still have an account and maybe check it twice a month. For 30 seconds.
I’m not on any other Social Media. I have never Tweeted. Not on Instagram, Pinterest, or any of the others out there that I am probably not even aware exist.
I’m not attached to my Smartphone which my son bought for me. I only use it for texting and for the rare phone call. Never check E-Mails or use any of the apps on it.
Half the time I leave the house without it and even the very room it is in. I don’t like the feeling of being a “slave” to a device.
My time is MY time and I do not like interlopers. It is very rarely I will answer a call, unless it’s from my children and I never immediately respond to texts. Again, unless it’s from my children, it may take me days to respond.
So, where, therein, lies the problem, you ask? I am an Introvert. I LOVE to learn, research, and I read voraciously. I spend too much time on the Internet reading, learning, researching. Discovering new topics and revisiting old that I never had access to information on until the Internet.
I’ve just discovered the world of Blogging. I, myself, do not blog, but I come across others’ Blogs that I totally relate to and of which I can’t get enough.
It wasn’t a problem at first, but now I’m spending way too much time just reading. I try to tell myself that it is no different than when I’m reading a book, of which I have an entire library of thousands, but I know that is not true.
Thank you for hitting on an issue that I’m sure touches everyone. Even if it’s not in the same way. I know changes have to be made when I’m only caught up in reading and not DOING. Thank you.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment, Keira. So glad you stopped by (even if you are curtailing your blog reading!).
🙂
Somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 years ago, give or take a year, I was visiting one of my Sons (i have 3) and we were all together for one of our semi-annual Father/Sons Golf Outings. In addition, my Grand-Son (14 at the time) was also in attendance. Sitting in a restaurant, I painfully observed all 4 of them pecking away on their iPhones, not engaging in conversation, or touching their food. I remember sadly thinking; my Sons have lost the good manners that their mother and I taught them. (I gave the Grand-Son a pass because of his age) Then, for my birthday that year, my Sons bought me an iPhone.
Well, it was not long before I had a lot of egg on my face! Now, the first thing that I do each morning when I wake up and turn on that damn iPhone is:…………….Try to remember and review the good manners that were taught to me by my parents! “There, but for the Grace of God……….etc., etc.
Great Post D.
THIS IS A GREAT POST!
I have started NOT to look at email on the weekends……….
I never take my PHONE TO BED.
The Bell that goes off on INSTAGRAM is driving me NUTS as they all said we had to do………. cant even remember WHAT and there has been NO CHANGE ON INSTAGRAM that I have noticed! BUT the DING DING is driving me NUTS! That before was for a TEXT MESSAGE who in my LIFE would be from a FAMILY MEMBER…….. so I would LOOK! NOW I ignore the phone!!
MY ITALIAN Husband reminded me the other night…. DO YOU EVER TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF?
NO!! WAS MY ANSWER…………….
It’s time to go out into the garden, call FRIENDS and chat and just CLEAN UP around the house.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!
XX
Oh boy I am sure this post has hit a nerve with almost everyone for one reason or another. I do not tweet, I do instagram, blog, and post my blog on facebook. That being said it still takes up a lot of quality time. I absolutely do not take my phone to bed and I do not pay much attention to it on weekends. I think we all need a break from social media in order to remain sane.