Coffee dating, first impressions, body language.
How much store do we put in those early minutes or hours of subtle signs?
How do we interpret a smile, a gesture, leaning in, leaning away, and that all-important eye contact?
Sometimes nerves derail our usual demeanor, and even a coffee shop, which we hope will help us be ourselves, can feel artificial. We might try to “normalize” the experience a bit if we can — by strolling through an adjacent bookstore or simply taking a walk.
A recent first date had me doing just that — unplanned. There was a market that was a walkable distance, I had a few staples I needed to buy, so we wound up cruising the aisles and chatting. Surrounded by naval oranges and Tuscan kale, the conversation took a different turn, and likewise, our body language, which seemed more relaxed.
There was more eye contact from him, more smiling, and everything felt “better.”
Do You Mirror Body Language?
Generally, meeting someone in a social context, I like to think I exude warmth. I smile, I nod, I make and maintain eye contact. But if I don’t feel this reciprocated, I begin to mirror the other person’s more detached style.
Specifically, when I am in the company of a man, I recognize how my body language changes. If there is sexual energy between us, my non-verbal communication shifts, which is surely reflected in proximity and voice. I am responsive. Subtle messaging is exchanged through expressions and movement. Eye contact is steady.
And occasionally, I touch.
That touch is only slight — something like laying my hand on an arm if we’re both laughing at a shared viewpoint. Otherwise, while I thoroughly enjoy the gentlemanly flourishes like a man taking my elbow lightly if we’re walking together, navigating a narrow sidewalk for example, it is through eye contact, voice, gesture, and yes — a smile — that I am reading the nature of any spark of connection.
Touch, in Context
I am of course aware that cultural norms and upbringing strongly impact body language. For example, our ideas of appropriate personal space — how closely to stand or sit next to someone you are speaking to — can vary significantly.
Respecting personal space is a must. If someone is edging away… Pay attention and back off!
And naturally, some of us are more shy (or reserved), which is not a reflection on the company, while others have been raised never to indulge in any sort of PDA.
One another note: Let’s not forget that the sense of smell is a subtle welcome or deterrent to pursuing… what shall I call it… “further acquaintance.” More precisely, it is part of an attraction or its absence that may quickly be established. And attraction here is key. We desire touch with some, and clearly don’t with others.
Touch Is Essential and Healthy
Body language on a first meeting aside, we live in a digital society that is increasingly isolating. Without other people in our lives, we may be missing a key ingredient for both physical and emotional health. As this Psychology Today article on reasons we need touch points out:
… From a warm handshake or sympathetic hug to a congratulatory pat on the back, we have developed complex languages, cultures, and emotional expression through physical contact. But in a tech-saturated world, non-sexual human touch is in danger of becoming rare, if not obsolete. Despite the benefits of digital advancement, it is vital to preserve human touch in order for us truly to thrive.
Greater trust, a stronger immune system, and quality emotional intimacy are among many reasons explained as to why touch is more vital than ever.
Body Language Is Indeed a Language
Body language is indeed a language. It is non-verbal communication of a very powerful sort. But as with any other language, we may speak it more or less well. We may each speak it differently.
Moreover, as with any other communication, there is the message itself, the intent of the sender, and the interpretation of the recipient — all to be taken into account. We may think we are communicating well, and likewise, decoding the signals as intended. But some are better at the art of reading people than others, and like any other “read,” we may be wrong.
Incidentally, I had interpreted minimal eye contact as disinterest. However, being wildly out of practice at meeting new people — (practice makes perfect, as they say) — a male friend offered a different view, or at least one that was broader. Some of us are comfortable with eye contact, while others, regardless of the situation, are not.
Taking Each Day as It Comes
My take?
I’m reserving judgment. I’m staying open. I’m paying attention.
With anyone I encounter, I find I’m also keenly tuned in to hearing what I’m being told. I believe that people tell us who they are, and we really need to listen.
I’m also trying to enjoy the process of broadening my world, taking each day as it comes, and if I can, with a smile. And I find new people fascinating. This encounter was no exception.
With a second outing in the offing, as the French might say, on verra…
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Phone call between 2 girlfriends: “So, how did the 1st date go?”
“Great.” I think we have a lot in common.”
“What makes you think so?”
“Well for starters, we both use 2% milk and buy the same toilet paper!”
“You Go Girl.”
It’s wonderful that you are enjoying the process, keeping an open perspective and engaging in the truth of what people tell us about themselves. Like you, I am certain that we need to believe what others tell us, not what we hope, wish or project onto them.
Possibility. That’s an exciting and fun place to be!
After many months of pleasant, funny, and warm conversations via work phone calls, he nervously asked me if I’d like to join him for dinner. I said yes, and we agreed to meet at a specific restaurant. Semi-anonymous, witty phone conversations disappeared when we actually met at the restaurant. He seemed very nervous, unable to make steady eye contact, sneaking glances until I met his gaze. Dinner was pleasant enough…he talked a lot about himself and his deceased wife. It was obvious he still missed her dearly. I mostly listened, but it became clear to me that while we enjoyed light-hearted banter over the phone, we had very little in common. Still, he talked and talked and talked. We had been at the restaurant for four hours when I realized he didn’t know how to end the evening. I finally suggested we should probably give up the table since most of the diners had long departed. As we walked through the parking lot to our respective cars, which were parked almost next to each other, the space between us grew wider with each step. Our body language was clear, neither one of us wanted a second date. I thanked him for dinner and the opportunity to get to know each other, and wished him well. He nodded in agreement. We got into our cars and departed the parking lot in opposite directions.
Good for you for going, Angela. And good for you for recognizing that gap. Dating takes patience. It’s also work. But work that may eventually bring us, at the very least, agreeable company or a friend.
At that time, and to this day, that evening reminded me of a Woody Allen/Diane Keaton movie, “Annie Hall”. At the beginning of the movie, Woody and Diane were meeting for a first date. They were both very nervous, Woody (always) more than Diane. He finally works up the courage to tell her that he’s extremely anxious about the end of the evening…like how to end it. Should they shake hands…should they kiss goodnight…maybe just a hug. Finally he suggested that the only way to avoid the constant distraction and anxiety was to “get it over with”…kiss now…be done with it…and get on with their date. Great movie! Greater insight!
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How wonderful to hear you talk about a first date. I had been wondering if I read too much between the lines.
I am considered to be on the reserved side, but in my home country of Germany, that would be well within the normal range. Never have gotten used to all that hugging of mere acquaintances. But it has been said more than once with surprise that I am not as aloof as I had seemed at first.
Best wishes.
It’s definitely interesting how meeting people and interacting with them differs by country. (Obviously, you know!) I agree with you about all the hugging, though the hugging bothers me less than the gratuitous kissing! May I add, hoping not to be accused of a “bad attitude,” that the process of dating is not especially fun. It is, for some of us, one of those things we feel we are “supposed to do” or we are encouraged to do. Of course, if you click with someone, that changes. And nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
This made me smile to read. I could feel the attraction and fun.