• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Relationships / Emotional Hot Buttons

Emotional Hot Buttons

February 6, 2016 by D. A. Wolf 1 Comment

Erratic moods. Off-the-wall responses. Flare-ups that spiral out of control, fast. Emotional hot buttons can seem like the undoing of a relationship when they set off arguments and misunderstandings.

Beautiful Frowning Mixed Ethnic WomanOver time, we get to know the emotional hot buttons that trigger our husbands and wives, that irk our boyfriends and girlfriends, and that may eventually cause distance that undermines the intimacy that close relationships require, not to mention, everyday peace and quiet.

And beyond a word, a look or a habit, don’t we also know how certain dates, music, and aromas may trigger emotional memories? Can we anticipate this happening? Can we cut ourselves some slack?

Can we do the same for those we say we love?

So what about the topic of conversation that drops you into despair? What happens when an innocent remark catches you by surprise and ignites a firestorm? What if the person closest to you pushes your buttons, whether knowingly or not?

Haunted by Hot Buttons

Recently, when I bumped into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in some time, we exchanged the usual hellos. A few seconds later, in asking a simple question, he inadvertently pushed one of my buttons. And a painful one, at that.

I suddenly felt anxious, agitated, antsy. I needed to back away from the emotional ledge where I was teetering on the verge of falling into misplaced anger. I had to “self-talk” myself back to calm, using inner dialog to reset my emotional temperature.

But what exactly had just happened? How could I have come so close to losing my cool?

Psychology Today explains the links between emotion and decision-making:

When an emotion is triggered in your brain, your nervous systems responds by creating feelings in your body (what many people refer to as a “gut feeling”) and certain thoughts in your mind…

The article goes on to explain how examining your reaction can be revealing.

Does the other person remind your emotional brain of someone in the past who took advantage of you? Is this person doing the same thing or is it just a particular mannerism he has that triggered your anxious response? Is your anxious response a reaction to the other person or to yourself…

In the example of my encounter, my response had everything to do with something in my past and nothing whatsoever to do with this person or the present.

Negative Triggers

Everyone has their issues to deal with — the legacy of trying times and less than ideal circumstances. As for me, I know what sets me off and why. Some of my triggers trace back to childhood. Others have to do with the complexities of post-divorce life. Fear and profound hurt lie at the heart of many of these hot buttons, which we may define as emotional vulnerabilities that are easily activated.

Anger often masks both fear and hurt. Irritation that spikes quickly into anger can be particularly troublesome, as was the case for me when I ran into my casual acquaintance. I wasn’t reacting to his actions or presence; rather, what he said triggered an intense response, and I was caught off-guard.

In some instances, I successfully navigate around potential hot buttons — if I see them coming, that is. For example, I can glance at a calendar and anticipate an anniversary; I can offset feelings of loss by focusing on a positive memory or taking myself for walk. If I need to revisit a location that holds bittersweet recollections, again I try to “cushion” myself as best I can.

Sometimes there’s nothing to do but fully embrace our emotions in order to eventually lessen their grip.

Relationship Hot Buttons: Pushing Each Other Away

Daily Plate of Crazy Couple after ArgumentWe may be most likely to recognize our buttons being pushed in an intimate relationship. She gets her “digs” in; you respond in kind. Or, he innocently suggests a new weekend activity that touches a nerve he “ought” to know about, and you withdraw in a funk.

Naturally, many more variations exist. But in the first example, she knowingly pushes his buttons. In the second example, perhaps he does so unknowingly, through genuine ignorance. Or, he’s being obtuse.

Of course, some use knowledge of their partner’s emotional hot buttons to manipulate them. Can you spell dysfunction? Guilt trip, anyone?

Clearly, in these scenarios, the dynamic is unhealthy. Wouldn’t we be better served to explore vulnerabilities through discussion and disclosure, in order to achieve greater understanding?

All too often, we simply react — getting into an argument, withholding affection, and sitting on growing resentment. When our buttons are pushed repeatedly, or for that matter, when we are doing the pushing, the relationship is damaged.

The Nature of Intimacy

In an intimate relationship or close friendship, we come to know each other’s vulnerabilities. That is the very nature of intimacy — sharing and trusting our hurts as well as our strengths to another person.

Consider this Medical Xpress post on emotional hot buttons in relationships. It offers useful insight.

… People in intimate relationships often struggle to understand why their partner is feeling a certain way because they are interpreting them based on their own emotions. Thus we can get: ‘I don’t understand why you’re angry, get over it, just move on’.

The other person, in turn, becomes defensive… This leads to conflict and unhappiness…

Defensiveness. Conflict. Unhappiness. This sounds like a familiar refrain for many. It plays out in my past relationships, though I like to think that I improved my ability to identify and articulate what was actually wrong, or to encourage my partner to do so.

Hardly batting a thousand on either score, I nonetheless like to think that I moved beyond men who simply said “get over it.” But communication is never so easy when our emotions are involved. Especially when we aren’t sure of the origin of our hot buttons, or if our partners are lacking in empathy, mocking our feelings, or dismissing our experience.

The Inner Critic

We all have noise in our heads -– the inner critic with her negative self-talk, among the most persistent. That critic may be the legacy of the scolding, diminishing voices of parents, and likewise of teachers, bosses, spouses, co-workers. Some days it seems as though we carry a chorus of naysayers singing their tune in surround sound.

With a bit of luck, we’re aware of what sets us off and we can confront it, or at least plainly state what hurts to those we live with — so they stop pushing our buttons.

But what if something remains fuzzy to us? What if we haven’t fully “reflected” on it, as the source above specifies? What if we have, but we’re still easily manipulated when poked or provoked? And aren’t we all more susceptible to let our emotions run away with us when we’re tired, in pain, worried or stressed? Can we learn to counter the inner critic with positive voices and corresponding positive self-talk? Can we do so by telling ourselves to think before we overreact? To quite literally change the conversation? At the very least, to stop and take a breath?

Depressed Young Woman With AlcoholLet’s remember too that emotional hot buttons don’t always result in a display of anger. When triggered, we may turn to our lesser angels and addictions. We may turn to alcohol. We may overreat. We may withdraw our usual degree of affection.

When Everything Is a Trigger

It’s certainly worth looking at this picture from the other side.

What if you’re in a relationship where everything becomes an emotional hot button? Where anger is never far from flaring up? Are you dealing with a medical (Rx) situation, sleep deprivation or hormones? Or have negative emotions held the reins for so long that they seem to have altered the chemistry of your interactions?

If anger, moodiness or volatility is the so-called normal state of affairs, you might want to rethink what you’re doing there. Are you attracted to stormy relationships? Are you a fixer, seeking to undertake an “emotional rescue?”

Is something being triggered in you, as you’re drawn to repeat unhealthy patterns that are part of your past?

When Emotions Are Triggered by Circumstance

What if things were fine for years, then sudden changes are letting loose an array of intense and difficult emotions?

In this scenario, you have some decisions to make depending upon your level of commitment, and the extent to which you can participate in a truly supportive relationship. If things were previously smooth sailing, are there circumstances that demand your attention? Have one or more life events contributed to the emergence of negative triggers? Has something in you changed that has ratcheted up the level of irritation or detachment?

Can you see that your partner is grieving or depressed? Are there obvious signs that he or she needs professional counsel?

Are you exacerbating the situation by ignoring what’s going on? Are you able to talk to each other — and listen — so you can understand what’s happening? Is your relationship important enough — and strong enough — to address the underlying issues together?

You may be called upon to push yourself to a deeper level of empathy as well as more careful communication. You may also be required to consider your actions and words, and their role in the health of the relationship dynamic.

 

You May Also Enjoy

  • Psychological Manipulation: Withholding
  • When Negative Thoughts Change Us
  • Is Anger a Barrier to Love?
  • The Critical Voice

 

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: anger management, communication, conflict, depression, emotional withholding, fear, intimacy, life skills, Love, psychology, Relationships

Comments

  1. THE VINTAGE CONTESSA says

    March 5, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    YES! I can RELATE To ALL of this…………..
    Food for thought! HOW I REACT!
    XX

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT